I should do Math

I can't silence the voices in my head.

They haven't done anything dangerous (although the compulsion to take a knife and drawing it across my neck is kinda freaky if my head wasn't in such a goofy mood that it almost seemed funny).

It's just a bunch of yattermouths that refuse to quiet down. Maybe i should write something... a story or something...

I'm guessing this is coming from a sense of restlessness that can't be quelled. The erratic nature of my mind does worry me quite a bit but it isn't like the voices manifested into a compulsion to destroy... Although it has once before.

I need an outlet.

Maybe i should do math.

c x redux part II

There was once a time i use to function with a mantra consisting of four words: Hate. Fear. Anger. Misery.

Hate yourself, because you are the darkness of your soul. Anger: the only outlet i possessed. Fear -because i will forever be capable of hurting those around me. Misery: because loneliness is thy fate.

I suppose looking back, one would realize: "Boy, you've really got some issues". Such negativity and teenage angst; awfully reflective of the drama queen I can be. However, as much as most would think this stuck a permanent label of 'freako emo' on me, i grew up quite fine -no, don't ask me to define 'fine'. Hatred strangely enough, brought me closer to love and the appreciation for those around me.

But things change. I changed.

Growing past that phase has its downsides. One is me becoming a downright selfish bitch who cares little to nothing for the consequences of my actions on those around me. At least angst!me would not be so callous.

After i learned that it's 'okay' to not hate myself so much, i began accepting myself for who i am. Accepting me means knowing my limits, my boundaries. In completely technical aspects, i was able to identify my weaknesses and allow for a semblance of growth in living skills. But emotionally, i was becoming too pampered. Self-hatred keeps a meticulous account of check and balance of my actions. I would forever think twice before executing a single act; perpetually running possible scenarios in my head to ensure an outcome that satisfies both me and society.

I don't do things on a whim.

These days, i can easily say my accounts have gone out of whack. The steps of check-and-balance skips a few steps, stopping at 'if i'm okay with it' and neglecting everything else. My mind reasoned by stating that others wouldn't care anyways. In todays' society, the problems that would affect others are large-worldly types such as the quest for democracy and justice. I think me coming a little late to some party wouldn't matter.

Even if a part of me protests that it does matter, the majority of my mind says it does not affect the fabric of this world. I have become callous with my relations and really, to those who have been hurt, i can only profusely apologize. But any attempts i make at resolutions of 'never again' are like chastity vows taken by the female protagonist in any teen movie - it just never works.

It's a serious flaw i am trying o overcome. Coming late for parties, not replying e-mails only serves to show my priorities in life and how much I don't care.

I can say my priorities has shifted. Once, I would have placed others before me. Once, I would have hated myself enough to realize the company of another is God-sent. I have become different. This self-absorbed bitch is not all too nice to deal with.

In light of finding my way in this life, trying to carve an immortal mark for myself, and just understanding why the hell i just feel so god damned lost have me becoming so absorbed in my own thoughts. So lost until the world that surrounds me becomes blurry at its best definition.

I'm trying to find a reason for my growing apathy because hopefully by identifying what this darkness is blossoming in my chest, i might be able to recover from this spell.

For the moment, i am biding my time using the patience of my friends to identify this 'thing' that i'm going through. It will run out soon, i'm sure it will.

The question is probably which first? The goodwill of those around me or my problem?

ultear

I am afraid to reach my dreams. Am i the only one? How many have refused to thread the path to their ambitions if it means sacrificing the farce of life? Thinking in 'ifs' and 'maybes' that in reflection warrants longing rather than pride? Because we know that if we walk this road, it seems like there is no turning back. Like if this door slams in my face, i will never ever be able to look me in the eye and say 'it's okay'. "We'll get through this". "The next will be better".

The question is, "do I dare?"

Too late. I don't.

I do not believe in dreams anymore. Somewhere along the way, I have cast them as pointless.

Yet a part of me cries, who am i save for my dreams? What are these disenchanted voices in my head that sings different songs? Am I not one?

My soul knows I have wavered. I have lost.my.way. And i do not WANT to go back. Because i know to go back is to grasp my dream. It is to strain for my dream. Starve and suffer and die along a road that i do not know i am able to complete.

Have i the strength? Is this where my youth feels it has failed? Because i am not able to walk this road. I am not able to strive and scream for pure passion. My sword has dulled in its edge.

I am not who I was and I am afraid, the coward that I am.

God help me. God help me. God, help me.

Help me feel because this numbness cripples me. It is so complacent i feel no need for growth.

Please save me before i have nothing but a heart of stone.

untitled

Sometimes I worry I injure others more than I intend. My friendships often consist of two strangers forming ties that till the end of the day, I may know nothing of you. Of me. Of us. We are two who will hurt. I worry we will be a broken people.

I have done society a great injustice by taking a side. By choosing my opinion over the rationality of moderation. There is that middle path should i seek it. Yet the views seem to represent a child who i can barely taste in the passing wind.

I have done the world a great injustice by believing in me. I forget, how i forget the voices in my head.

I hope they return soon.

I can do this

I think it isn't easy to walk forward without looking back. Somehow you'll always end up sneaking that glance backward. A glance enough to wrench one from the present into a world that was. I have taken steps forward, that I believe is true, yet I must admit i find no solace in the fixtures around me. Reality seems so dissociated from the present that my presence flickers.

Sometimes i believe i exist for days at an end without really being here... The human mind is a wondrous thing.

I have become adept to silencing my words. For i know if they are to be uttered, my mother will comment on the sarcasm. Sarcasm is not the greatest tool in my arsenal, mother. Knowledge is. Thus, I had corrected her.

The people here think I am arrogant. So completely obnoxious but I must remain conscious to my own actions. Perhaps it is true that I am quite pompous with my claims, only because I wish to remain the center of focus. It becomes unfair if I am unable to play the push and pull tug of war that i have become so adept at.

2012

I'm really going to have to do something about this arrogant streak. I'm going to bring myself down to earth and i'm going to have to do it fast. Otherwise i'm going to lose all of my friends and that will not be pretty.

Maybe I will have to think about what is important. I know this job is important. I know if i think about the cause it is important. But, is it worth being such a jerk towards my friends for? I think working in a small company, we get a really small demographic of people who surround each other every day and who know what the other is thinking. In a way, i forgot how it was like not to care - which was one of the reasons why i didn't want to care about this cause to begin with - because the propaganda i produce will be twice as effective. Now i'm too close. And it's getting quite difficult to get further away.

I think there are certain facts that we can't change. Our goal is to criminalize war. People are saying things like "Maybe there are factors that's involved. There are people whose lives depend on this warfare." but, i suppose in my thoughts, it isn't worth a life. I think i need to create a character and try to understand things from her perspective. I need a... i dunno, let's call her Jenna.

We'll put Jenna around my age now. She grew up in Ipoh, Perak (cause i want to give her a place with good food). She glances the newspaper but doesn't focus that much on world news. Her friends often call her out and she's blessed with parents who understand the need for freedom, thus they do allow her that amount of independence. She's nice, polite and growing up in Malaysia, understand the need for religious tolerance and understanding. She had unwittingly absorbed some teachings from almost every religion but has decided to live depending on the barometer of conscience.

When she gets up in the morning, the first thing she will think of is food. Then, she will normally review her activities for the day (in the shower or something). The posters of UNICEF and such that display children are commonly ignored by her. She does not know if she is ready to help. She does not feel herself capable.

I don't believe people outrightly refuse ideas or activities if they do not receive an outright gain. I believe in that 'good' in people that if you know that there are people dying in other places for absolutely no reason, we would feel like helping.

In other words, places and the injustices done to the people over seas will have to be brought home. But, i think a part of me, the *me* part of me feels quite broken that we might be introducing these issues to them. I suppose in a sense, i should be thankful for their apathy, because then, they will not care.

Then, at least they are happy. It is upsetting because for something to be done, it unfortunately involves everyone. Me saying there are people dying for no reason, should not be the only voice. I think it's like how one of the activist i met put it, "What do you care about?" and, do you understand that what this is, will come for you at the end of the day. In a way, if we ARE the remaining independent power, then too bad, we'll be fried last lah. But i suppose i should not impose my fears on them.

It is difficult because we are pointing our metaphorical guns at the very hearts of those who are responsible for making the world go round. I become afraid for those whom i love, for my family, for my friends...

But they don't need to know my fears. They just... I probably just need them to support me regardless of what i do. I suppose if I cannot have their passion, i might just have to settle for their faith. For them to trust me regardless of anything...

The problem with hiding so much information is like carrying this massive secret that's always tempting to be thrown. I must be able to swallow it, to not speak of it all the time. Maybe i should do what i usually do with information of this kind... don't tell those I care about. Because i need, need, need them to keep smiling.

I need to stop feeling so smart all the time just because I know something they don't and it's something that *gasp* will change their view of the WORLD!! Or not. But anyway, i have to gather strength to protect them, in a sense.

I just need to think about other things. Like birds, or cockroaches or anything. I should be happy listening to their stories instead of thinking "well, we might be dying by 2012 anyway...."

Me

I am afraid.

I am afraid that this is all I will ever be. This being the very reflection of them. It is how much I can take it all in, how strong I am in my outward appearance.

I am more than this, I have to remember that. I am more than academics, politics and administrator. I am an artist, I am a writer.

I am an artist. My soul IS art.

And I have to be beyond politics, beyond hidden agendas and snakes in the grass. Regardless of what happens, I have to remember my soul. And it isn't politics and hidden agendas. I wish to be a straight road and be stronger because of it.

The past few days were difficult. I was descending into understanding and I understand by immersing myself in the essence of knowledge. It consumed me though it really should be I who wielded the control. It became every waking moment I had and echoed in my dreams. I felt like that is all I am, the knowledge that took me by force.

I will have to find pockets of air to breathe or open one of my own. I worry if I switch the world off, there will be somethings I will miss. This might be a valid worry but... if I care enough, this wouldn't happen.

It will be like arguing anime where I will remain forever inspired. I must not forget the world that surrounds me because as large as the portrait I wish to paint, it is often the tiny details that touches my heart.

Fear

Sometimes i really believe i've brought all these maladies upon my own head. My desperation, my youth, my need to be someone important is worthy of being exploited. It makes me vulnerable.

I will have to be aware of my movements from now onwards because i am no longer a queen piece on the chessboard. I am nothing but a pawn and that leaves me susceptible to outside influences. Others will find it easy to manipulate me and retrieve something from me.

I will have to be careful lest i give something that can never be returned.

I am afraid. Because there is no one to guide me. There are no allies. I do not know where a kind hand is there for sincerity or have they another need of me. I am afraid because this "game" is real. It isn't the little push-and-prod manipulations i played in high school or uni. This is real because failure means i will lose my job. Then again, i will have to remember, this career is not everything i am. I am more than this as i am more than a writer, more than a cat owner, more than ME.

I will have to be strong and face this raging wind.

I am stronger than this.

Egotism

I think people change every minute of their daily lives. The person that i was a millisecond before is definitely not the same creature i inhibit now.

My desires change, my emotions, my understanding... who i am in terms of reaction become so completely different. Yesterday, I would have ranted and raved about my boss and how the world conspires against me. But i suppose, I should be better than this.

What difference am I from him and those like him if i let the anger consume? I remember once, i could have swallowed fire. I would have ingested it into a smaller flame. Where has that patience gone?

Where has my understanding and human compassion gone?

I have written on my wall, 'what is understanding but caressing the soul with your fingertips?'

It burns.

It does burn and just like him who do not want to feel my pain, i refuse to acknowledge his.

Do i worry i burn and find no outlet for my pain? I have learned to fear the fire... Sorry, too many burns. I do not wish to receive any more.

But, every day we live it cannot be denied that we are inherently morally judged. Everything i do is a testimony of me and those around me.

I cannot be afraid of that fire.

I use to revel in pain but there are pockets in my conscious where i only wish to feel the joy and all the happiness and the egoism i can pertain and after, i feel really filthy for wanting to boost my arrogance. Mostly because i should not, and there are those who are moral conducts who say i should not. I will not deny that most of my actions are to keep people happy. It's to keep me happy too, hopefully.

Maybe if i limit the times my egotism may take charge... But then, i worry others will comment on the inconsistency... But maybe that is the risk that i have to take, probably as the girl who hates-then does not hate-then hates her boss/writings/work/world.

People change every second of the day, and I do hope we are able to understand and remember that...

Awesome! A post without a 'He'!!

Or on the other hand, nah. The bane of my soul today ladies and gentleman is still male by virtue of nature.

I wonder, how do you respect someone who does not respect you? On the other hand, what constitutes as respect? The fact that i work in an environment that treasures the hierarchy in comparison to bureaucracy means that i should worship those who are above me. Yet, I dare not.

I will bow to experience, kindness. I am bashful in the company of intelligence and brilliance. A sheer title does nothing but whisper vapour in my ears.

Perhaps this is where my upbringing and every juncture in life has failed me. I was not raised to worship those who stand above me. Rather, I see all of us as equal. Or perhaps, i am too pedestrian to mingle with such high society.

A friend of mine told me that I am not worthy of respect because i am a newcomer. I have to earn it. Then, i suppose, me being me who loves equality answer with, then he should earn it too. And i have already found his faults.

Yet, i can little rectify his wrongdoings. The only figure I am able to change, is myself and that means no more mistakes. No more wrong labels, wrong dates, wrong messages or any such communication. No doing anything wrong. Because i cannot be like him at all. I cannot slip up and I must remember to respect all those around me at all times. I will have to be attentive and focus on every task with a clarity of mind and complete each task with the determination to succeed.

I kinda know why I keep screwing up. I want to get jobs over with. They are menial small tasks that the big guns are not able to complete because they do not possess a scalpel. But perhaps i shall not act like a one trick pony. I will have to show versatility and exceed their expectations with small tasks and destroy any preconceptions they might possess.

I. must. improve. regardless of anything.

I think i cannot look at the horizon and curse at my pace reaching there. I cannot jump past steps because the road looks easy to thread.

Secure your ground. Walk carefully. Look left, look right. Not for company but for the view.

I must not make anymore mistakes because it is unacceptable to my character and i will exceed all expectations regardless of anything. I will forgo my sense of pride. They are used to others bowing before them, my head will just be another decoration.

I am stronger than this and in control of every emotion, movement, virtue and principles that i have.

I will not let him tear me down. I will not cower nor hate.

He Chronicles strikes back

Okie, time to be honest. Like brutally, absolutely and resolutely honest. It's got to be a resolution. I'd break otherwise.

Why did i take this job? Why did i bloody well take this job? Why *do* i do what i do? Is there something out there that's puppeteering my movements? No.

Fact is, no.

There is only one reason i took the job. One reason that i am so abashed by and i so completely scorn myself for because i dare degrade myself to such a degree that i would do this when i laugh at those who do... Have you guessed it? The reason? It's a boy.

I did it for a fucking boy. I did it to be closer to him. No, not in the mushy way that *you* my dear friend might be thinking. But to understand him better. (I'm really changing my blog name to the 'He' Chronicles now. It's the only thing i talk about). I think... I want to work for a cause that's close to his heart, so that he can see change done and have hope for the future. So that... he might be proud of me... Even though he doesn't know me. It might make me a presence in his world no? Albeit a shadow.

Strange huh?

I don't know if i'm pining for him. I'd like to think i'm not. But i worry this is the reason for my stagnant growth; i seem to be measuring myself against his standards and in an unconscious way, he is controlling my options, my reasons. I think loving someone who doesn't love you back is like a cage. You will never please them, nor yourself.

I can't say i don't know how to change. The answer is easy: just move on. And i will try though i cannot say i will muster all my strength and accomplish what at this moment seems close to impossible. I've deactivated facebook for now, so i don't know what he's doing when. He will be leaving and i think i should be happy of the absence of news. Maybe in a years' time, i will start another facebook account with a different name. Hopefully he is not the first thing to come through my mind when i go online, go to work, pass his neighbourhood. It's like grappling with a shadow and it's frustrating that i'm not winning.

I think there are other advantages to deactivating facebook... at least i wouldn't be thinking about how to sound cool most of the time. I rarely update because i didn't want to craft my statuses. I wanted it to be as natural as possible. But that would leave it up for scrutiny from Him, his party and everyone else whom i permitted to view on facebook. Considering i am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal, that means everyone is able to judge what i do.

I don't think i can easily take that kind of criticism. Heck, even when someone say my clothes are mismatched i get defensive and they want to attack my words? I'd be toast.

I think i should take this time to reflect what is important to me.

Even though i took this and the previous jobs for him, they turned out well. Sometimes i pray this is a ploy from God to maneuver me in the right place for the right moment to occur.

But, most importantly, what is it that i want to do? I remember once i said 'make change'. Change to fight for the freedom from conformity. Change that allows people to remain true to themselves. I'm not thinking about society and their political beliefs like whether being gay is okay or not or anything like that. I want to preach understanding. I want to point out that different side, different view, different lives from what we lead. And yet, they seem so similar to who we are. Because that's how we appreciate things and people... by connecting them to us. Everything i'm doing now is still being screened through the 'His reaction' screen but... i think if i can stay off facebook any maybe away from him, things should be alright.

I really don't know why he haunts my thoughts. Even my first crush does not seem to have a powerful hold on me. Although i think i did pine 3 months from being apart then. However, the feelings dissipated with time.

I think with this boy, as long as possibilities exist, i will consider him an option. We have a connection. But, a connection that i believe aids me better than it does him or otherwise i think. Him and his girl are perfect for each other and i can see them well into their married days. Maybe that's why i don't want to go on facebook; because i will always see their smiles.

I think it's time for me to stop thinking about the boy and start thinking about my future. What can i be?