My friends here are turning their back on me. Or at least the ones in Halls. Well, i can little blame them. They extended their hand of friendship but when we got too close, i became afraid. I was afraid to be a part of their family simply because i fear labels. I didn't want a definite label... Now, i find myself with no ally.
The solution is simple... Pester them till i find a place among them. But i have sacrificed much of my pride with the locals and the Caucasians. I wonder where that open and friendly me went? Yet, i do not know how to manage the open face with a high sense of pride. There has to be a balance somewhere... A way that might make both ways seem plausible. Like being open yet guarded... However, i operate in extreme binary settings. Such a compromise seems impossible especially in the current state of mind. I do not know how to reconcile...
Easier than easy, harder than hard. It is to be expected, is it not? It is not possible to tear the flesh of your back and gain wings to fly. Yet, the act itself might yield freedom. Dare you not believe?
Perhaps that faith is the only solace. I've got a simple problem. I've got a crush (common) but... he doesn't see me. I think this is the first time, my crush doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Interesting huh? I'm used to playing on a field where i call the shots and suddenly... well, obviously i'm playing this game alone. There's no one here with me.
For a moment there, i thought he knew. But i ran away. And it became obvious i ran away. And i ran into oblivion before him. I simply disappeared.
Or, it could have just been a misunderstanding from the beginning. If i take his methods as attempting to be near a certain friend of mine then, everything falls back into place. Only it alters the landscape beyond recognition. In other words, from the beginning, we never played a game of tag. I've been caught in someone else's field where he and a friend of mine were playing mary-go-round.
I suppose this might be for the best. He seems an excellent ally. If i can discard any silly ideas of hope, then i believe he will be a formidable teacher to have, if only to tutor me in my speech and such.
I hope all the best for him. He and my friend knows they will not be pursuing a relationship, i think. At least not now... but, i hope he does something nice for her anyways. Like say hi to her when he walks past or even ask her to dance in the coming party. She deserves the best and i hope he is able to give even a fraction of that to her.
I think i'm the unneeded player who will be bowing off the freaking field and well, it doesn't feel that bad. A few days couped up in my room watching anime helped rehabilitate me a lot. Let's hope i am able to handle society tomorrow. I can't seem to handle direct company for the past few days because of this matter but i hope tomorrow's okay.
Otherwise, it looks like i'm going to be a hermit who runs to her room every single time. Or i can just struck up a conversation with the locals in the common room. Haih... it seems like there's always a game to play here. Always a certain mask that has to be on. Well, i wanna say screw it! I shouldn't give a flying fuck what my freaking face looks like to all these nutty peeps!
But i can't find the anchor of acceptance yet. If i eat alone, the locals laugh at me, my own friends pity me. If i eat with others... well, for the past few days i've been feeling shitty so i've been holed up in my room good. Like i said, maybe tomorrow's better.
But you'd never know, putting on my game face might be good practice for the future. My line of work kinda needs that game face to be at the ready y'know XD But unlike at home where i have my friends to unload off when the Jekyll mask comes off, i've got no one.
No one here...
Just like MMU. How reminiscent of the fact that it's so hard to trust people. Meh!!
Well, i've stopped wanting to mother everyone. The pride gets in the way, y'know... But, like i said, hopefully tomorrow's better...
