Fear

Sometimes i really believe i've brought all these maladies upon my own head. My desperation, my youth, my need to be someone important is worthy of being exploited. It makes me vulnerable.

I will have to be aware of my movements from now onwards because i am no longer a queen piece on the chessboard. I am nothing but a pawn and that leaves me susceptible to outside influences. Others will find it easy to manipulate me and retrieve something from me.

I will have to be careful lest i give something that can never be returned.

I am afraid. Because there is no one to guide me. There are no allies. I do not know where a kind hand is there for sincerity or have they another need of me. I am afraid because this "game" is real. It isn't the little push-and-prod manipulations i played in high school or uni. This is real because failure means i will lose my job. Then again, i will have to remember, this career is not everything i am. I am more than this as i am more than a writer, more than a cat owner, more than ME.

I will have to be strong and face this raging wind.

I am stronger than this.