Haha!! This is going to be a really short one but i couldn't resist. =P
This is the result of a quiz entitled 'What my birthday means' on facebook.
You are curious and a true follower. You can please someone so much that it seem like you are trying to charm that person. You hide your disagreement under your smiling face. This is a charming quality of yours. Your Love, You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream person is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy/gal in your heart.
Strange how accurate it seems save the last part where it says that my love life is under turbulence. Well, that's mainly cause it doesn't exist.
But charming for hiding disagreement? Hmm...
Actually, when you think about the accuracy of these tests, wouldn't you wonder how exactly alike you are with around 200 000 over people who share your birthdate?
That means, what i'm going through, is exactly what the next 21st May baby is going through.
Really weird? Or are we all just so predictably alike?
And... how can i break out of this, if i so believe that it constricts me?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
A little too personal for my taste
I have a very weird thing to say.
I think i'm craving attention. And ouch! isn't it damn hard to keep my hands to myself.
I'm not sure how deeply i want to go into details but this is to unload right? So err... i'll just. Unload.
I was in a committee in school that conducts some sort of hearing for kids who aren't doing so well. My presence is perhaps a coincidence + providence, but heck, i won't say that i was some big-wig who really deserved to be there (let me put myself down now before anyone thinks that i'm bragging). Anyway, one of the kids... well... the kid's sorta failing all the units. And the reason given was a family problem. The failure was done as a cry for help. A cry to seek attention.
And... well... i can understand something. About me that is. About how much i really want this attention thing.
I think for a moment there... no. I won't make it sound like that possibility isn't stewing in my head. But... being in the hearing made me realise that there are people who genuinely care. And... i dunno. Suddenly this idea to sort of fail my subjects, sit in the hearing and let people hear my story suddenly came about in my head. And it has a certain appeal, y'know.
Heck, it's just an idea. I mean something not to be taken seriously and such but... there's this tug in my heart that goes... what if. All i have to do is fail. Then maybe people can acknowledge that there's a problem.
I know it's a stupid thing to do. Really, i do (heck, i was lecturing myself for even *thinking* such a thing) but... i don't know why i would even want to do something like that. It isn't like i don't have great friends who listen to me when i need them to.
It isn't like i'm on this island screaming my heart out and the only reply is the silent calm of the waves.
It isn't like i need the attention.
Do i?
Is it just me becoming more self-centered and wanting people to look at me more? Heck, then why don't i just wear a bikini to school? That'd get a lot of attention for sure! Instead i want to sacrifice my studies.
Why? Cause it's easier?
I really shouldn't be super pissed at myself because of this. I know i won't consciously do it. But i worry that hidden desire inside of me might just take root and grow.
I know times isn't easy in my house. I know support is weak here especially when i need it most but... i always feel like the academic should never, ever be combined with the personal. Like, never hate your teachers. Or never let a crush get in the way of your studies. Never let a fight get in the way of your studies. Never, ever let family problems get in the way of your studies.
Maybe that's it.
After seeing a few kids who had family problems which caused their grades to suffer, my mind thinks it's alright.
I'm not the only one, it says. See all of them. See that they exist. So, it's okay to fail because of your problems.
No.
That shouldn't be the way.
It isn't okay.
I'm not some kid with weak principles. I live by my constitution and they should not be altered at a single whim.
I can't say that i'm stronger than them because, it takes greater courage to face what they had on that day.
I might have turned tail and ran.
But i can't break my code just because others conduct lives without them (hell, this is sounding like religion again isn't it? Maybe i should choose theology as a profession).
The difference between them and me is that i have an expectation of myself in these quarters.
I was in a course that i did not want to do and i was on the Dean's List (only for a sem =P) for crying out loud! I didn't allow my family problems to interfere then, so why do i find it appealing to let it now?
Probably because of the craving attention thing. Maybe i should see a guidance counselor. Anything but let my grades slip. No matter what, my grades are SACRED, man. They should be untouched by ANYTHING!!!! I guess i can always just call Lat everyday or something if this matter starts becoming really bad. We'll see how next sem starts.
So, i shall declare it now.
I think i'm craving attention. And ouch! isn't it damn hard to keep my hands to myself.
I'm not sure how deeply i want to go into details but this is to unload right? So err... i'll just. Unload.
I was in a committee in school that conducts some sort of hearing for kids who aren't doing so well. My presence is perhaps a coincidence + providence, but heck, i won't say that i was some big-wig who really deserved to be there (let me put myself down now before anyone thinks that i'm bragging). Anyway, one of the kids... well... the kid's sorta failing all the units. And the reason given was a family problem. The failure was done as a cry for help. A cry to seek attention.
And... well... i can understand something. About me that is. About how much i really want this attention thing.
I think for a moment there... no. I won't make it sound like that possibility isn't stewing in my head. But... being in the hearing made me realise that there are people who genuinely care. And... i dunno. Suddenly this idea to sort of fail my subjects, sit in the hearing and let people hear my story suddenly came about in my head. And it has a certain appeal, y'know.
Heck, it's just an idea. I mean something not to be taken seriously and such but... there's this tug in my heart that goes... what if. All i have to do is fail. Then maybe people can acknowledge that there's a problem.
I know it's a stupid thing to do. Really, i do (heck, i was lecturing myself for even *thinking* such a thing) but... i don't know why i would even want to do something like that. It isn't like i don't have great friends who listen to me when i need them to.
It isn't like i'm on this island screaming my heart out and the only reply is the silent calm of the waves.
It isn't like i need the attention.
Do i?
Is it just me becoming more self-centered and wanting people to look at me more? Heck, then why don't i just wear a bikini to school? That'd get a lot of attention for sure! Instead i want to sacrifice my studies.
Why? Cause it's easier?
I really shouldn't be super pissed at myself because of this. I know i won't consciously do it. But i worry that hidden desire inside of me might just take root and grow.
I know times isn't easy in my house. I know support is weak here especially when i need it most but... i always feel like the academic should never, ever be combined with the personal. Like, never hate your teachers. Or never let a crush get in the way of your studies. Never let a fight get in the way of your studies. Never, ever let family problems get in the way of your studies.
Maybe that's it.
After seeing a few kids who had family problems which caused their grades to suffer, my mind thinks it's alright.
I'm not the only one, it says. See all of them. See that they exist. So, it's okay to fail because of your problems.
No.
That shouldn't be the way.
It isn't okay.
I'm not some kid with weak principles. I live by my constitution and they should not be altered at a single whim.
I can't say that i'm stronger than them because, it takes greater courage to face what they had on that day.
I might have turned tail and ran.
But i can't break my code just because others conduct lives without them (hell, this is sounding like religion again isn't it? Maybe i should choose theology as a profession).
The difference between them and me is that i have an expectation of myself in these quarters.
I was in a course that i did not want to do and i was on the Dean's List (only for a sem =P) for crying out loud! I didn't allow my family problems to interfere then, so why do i find it appealing to let it now?
Probably because of the craving attention thing. Maybe i should see a guidance counselor. Anything but let my grades slip. No matter what, my grades are SACRED, man. They should be untouched by ANYTHING!!!! I guess i can always just call Lat everyday or something if this matter starts becoming really bad. We'll see how next sem starts.
So, i shall declare it now.
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