These are just complaints lumped together. Nothing big.

Wanted to do this but internet was being a bitch. We all know that of course when i need to get my head straightened out, everything in the world just has to go awry.

Great.

Okay, maybe the internet isn't the bitch. All i'm telling you is that you're dealing with a very pissed Me at the moment so... i hope you can find it in your heart to excuse the bitterness.

It rather hurts me to ramble on aimlessly like this. I thought, firstly, i shall list the items that has been plaguing my dear, tender, little head. I am a worry wart at heart and really, procrastination does nothing to heal the situation.

1. Student Council

2. Crush

3. Friendship

4. Responsibilities

5. School

Okay, it is definitely on purpose to not name anything. I happen to use the Google Blog Search quite proficiently and goodness knows, this blog should be the last to be unearthed.

Alright. Now that that's out in the open, i shall begin the task of straightening out my worries. Find the cause and the cure where possible. Sometimes i do hate the sound of silence in my head because breathing in your own words should not be too healthy for oneself but this blog is in a way, airing all my problems simultaneously. It is a harsh testament for those who are reading as well as those whom i will speak of in a moment. Optimism often comes with a price. Such as this simple moment where i will massacre all faith placed upon me.

I believe i can no longer separate the professional life i am meant to lead and the private. All of a sudden, everything becomes a jumbled mess i can neither make head nor tail from.

The Student Council i suppose should be filed under 'responsibilities'. But really, that is in a way, in a league of their own. I'm a simple representative. But, my problem mainly lies in the doubt i have towards my leadership. I'm currently helping out the VP with a committee she has because she will be away. It's only temporary, but i've landed myself at the top of the food chain. Now, comes the task of doing what i said i would do.

Planning, well, that's my specialty. But, delegation requires willing participants. I don't think anyone is too excited to work on something for the sake of university. Or the students of university. I don't even know why i care sometimes too because everyone and everything are just so convinced that society is apathetic towards everything. I think i'm sick of this.

Why is it just because someone, somewhere, at sometime said that 'The end is near', we should all act like lifeless teenagers who never broke out of their angst stupors? What happened to the age of brilliance and imagination without the need of opium?

We've fallen into a grind convinced that just because economy is bleak, life is monotonous and that we have no control our lives that we begin living a god-less, lost, existence. We have nothing to live for anymore and i'm tired of us all believing in that.

It's to the point that society is crying for liberty because they believe that freedom has to be that greener pasture. We aren't free enough, are we?

Okay, that went way off topic.

But, that might be a problem with the committee that i was suppose to lead. I can deal with idealists because believing in something means you have something to live for. Something to work towards...

How am i suppose to plan events with people who believe that others have no interest because they themselves cannot generate the interest? How can i make peoples' heart beat? Because isn't that what a good leader does? She/He injects passion into your soul?

Honestly, i'm one who's afraid of passion. But, for their sakes, i hope i have enough for us all.

I seem to always be watching my back with the whole representative thing. Like, i expect something to creep up on me when i'm not looking or something. I should probably list down the things that i'm suppose to do, separate them from others and tackle them systematically. I shouldn't randomly panic and have bursts and spurts of epilepsy thinking about my tasks.

It goes the same with responsibilities. I worry that i might have signed myself up on too many things. But, i keep on forgetting that it's a matter of perspective.

It's quite a paradox because i love being busy but i cannot acknowledge that i'm busy lest i be crushed under the weight. I think i keep on wanting to show other people that i'm busy. That's where the problem comes in. If i just live my life, with only me in it, rather than trying to make me the center of all these other people, things would be much better.

I keep on running all around the place, hoping people would notice? No, that's too brazen. It's more like, i often complain. I complain about my kitty who's sulking, i complain about my work as representative... i complain a lot. And fact is, there are other people who are dealing with much more than me.

I should be thankful that i have something to do with my time. No, on the other hand that doesn't sound right. That's like me being thankful for being given herpes or something like that. But... well, i suppose it is something to be thankful for. I should be thankful that i was given the opportunity to do this, where others have failed. I should be thankful that with these responsibilities, it opens doors of possibilities. And it's like a one-stop training center where hopefully by graduation, i would be a stronger person. Where maybe, i would learn from my mistakes.

Most of the stress that i'm accumulating now is from my fear of doing something irreparable. I shouldn't say take the risk. Jump of the building. You'd never know if you can fly. But, i shouldn't be too paranoid. I should keep on moving forward because i have to believe that there is a forward and it's a forward worth reaching.

My last problem speaks for itself.

So i'm going to the two that i mentioned which is my private life. A new crush and the problems in political friendship. Okay, the crush is just a distraction. I think i'm so stressed that my mind thinks i need something good in my life.

Okay. Well, no biggie there. It isn't a solve-or-not-solve sort of situation. So, i'll save that for last and that is only if i feel like blogging about it.

The more important situation is in the politics of friendship.

Okay.

I have a friend.

Oh gee, girl. I am so amazed. Right. Okay, back to the issue.

You know how familiarity breeds contempt? I'm that sort. If you get too close to me in a short period of time, i would really, really, really love to push you away. I'm a bad person. But, unfortunately, and to make matters worst, i say it with no remorse. Because i suppose, simply the fear of anyone coming closer than the wanted proximity has alarm bells ringing in my head. I really am not guilty over my territorial nature.

I'm sorry to say, if you do read this that this instinct has protected me many times.

It shields my core from simply hurts. I suppose that is why i am not trying to change myself. I can only give an empty apology for my nature.

Anyway, this old friend of mine started coming closer. Not in the way that you would imagine. You know, all sneaky and slowly. No. He was right there next to me, and it seem to get worst until he noticed that i have been more surly than usual around him. Fortunately, he was perceptive enough to ask and i found that courageous.

Okay... i should delve more into details. Just to clear things up, if it seems like it's a sweet friendship waiting to turn into something more, stop the violin music. It isn't. Read on and you'll know why. I suppose i shall explain my surliness which stemmed from him clinging too much...

I knew it was from an inferiority complex. I knew it is what happens if you don't like yourself. I know he hates the thought of being alone with only him in his mind. Because so many in his past has hated him for himself. How can he find the love to accept himself after all that?

I'm going to do something really mean, right now. I'm going to reveal my analysis of him not out of spite but, for those who are reading and for my own sake, i have to clarify my understanding of this boy. But understand i will talk down on this human. Because i'm not a nice person.

And so he clings to anyone who does not kick him away. But he's used to being treated like he's inferior. He's used to being submissive. But he has a part of him that rebels in anger. I'm not too sure where it comes from. Only that i have felt it many times. Sometimes it's from denial.

Humanity always believes they are more complex than what they seem because we are a network of emotions. There are certain parts of himself that he cannot accept or cannot stand to be misunderstood.

It comes from the need to protect his beliefs. Or so i assume.

He comes from a family with many idiosyncrasies. His mother has shown much anger in his younger years but i have not met her to say that there was probably where he learned to wield his anger. Although, i do admit that i believe so.

His father was strict. So i assumed that wrote his constitution.

I don't know where his hatred comes from although... it would be easier to believe that it comes from his own. That would make it curable. Or at least not so impossible to aid.

I think all i want to do is make the anger go away. But he does not believe that he is angry and he feels no guilt for it.

Just like me and my territorial nature. These two instincts have protected us in the past. So, his psyche doesn't feel the need to discard it. Then, just to be fair, i shouldn't remove it right? Cause i don't know where i would be without my territorial nature. Gosh, so many of my principles can be compromised. Isn't it the same for him?

We're two individuals who probably should not ever be brought together. Because i'm guessing he feels hurt by my territorial nature which doesn't allow any random stranger near my being. Especially if he needs a place to rest by and i'm hurt by his anger because it burns me.

I suppose i'm the one being selfish here. Because i understand, so i should just live with it right? I should destroy this fear of strong emotions from my system because it's hurting those around me.

Sigh. But i have to admit, that that isn't the worst part. The devil of me awakens when i interact with him.

I'm trying to help him get over his inferiority complex but i can't deal with volatile emotions. When he reacts strongly -which he often does - i start getting defensive. When you're trying to breach my constitution, i consider it barging into my territory and that is extremely unwelcome. I start talking down to him, acting exactly as all those before him who bullied him. I'm not helping him get up. I push him further down. Everytime he tries to insert his opinion, i feel the brush of his emotions and it freaking scares me and i do the worst thing in the world that i can do to anyone.

Because damn it, i know his weakness. I know how to hurt a person because it's just so damn easy.

And i do it! Again, and again and again.

Because i'm scared.

Usually i can laugh it off and say, what fear? Pah! Fear isn't a word in my vocabulary.

But not when it comes to emotions. When i can feel your anger, your pain it's like breathing darkness. It's like caressing needles. It's like something in me just shirks in fear because i'm so damn afraid that it will consume me.

I have no right to do this to other people. I want to type "Because i'm stronger" but even my fingers know that that is a lie. I can't beat this easily because i'm guessing, i'm the only one who's bothered by it. I think everyone gets along fine.

I want to say that i can stop putting him down but i know, in order to go cold turkey with that, i need to get over my fear. Because my reaction so far has been out of fear. So i reply in the vehemance of the moment. It would not be an attainable goal for the moment.

What i can try to do, is control my anger when i reply. I have to remember what he's suffering from and what he's going through. I have to remember, if only for a split second that he hates himself and that i in no way should fuel that even in my tirade. I can only try control.

Because i'm not strong enough for the cure.

I think this is one of the more personal dumps i've made. Because you get to see the darker side of me who i usually try to hide or cover with whispers of sweet apologies. I'm cruel. That's just it. I can hurt people so easily. Kill them too. Or create a void where they exist.

I hate myself sometimes. But i have something that he could not gain unless he embraces himself. The acceptance of me which made me too big-headed with my abilities...