ne... ja na

Honestly, i never thought this day would come. This day where absence feels stronger and closer to my heart. It makes sense you know. Makes sense to...

disappear

And be nothingness before all. Perhaps i am ready to leave. Perhaps this is the last of my roads. This ends here. And i have to let go. Really, no other is holding on save me. I posted Glen Hansard's song on fb mostly because it captured what i was feeling. But i didn't want others to understand the meaning of the song, so i didn't link it up.

Penang is far away and i am ready to move. There will be nothing there for me. Just embers of hopes and dreams. Here seems so... empty. There is nothing here for me too.

So shall i look for a new world where i can thread on air? Where the scent in the sky is one that truly is at one with who i am. I am not needed here and it is a feeling of... the end.

I came back for unresolved issues. Unanswered questions that i thought i should pursue the truth. And well... i got them. I know now. Solved rather peacefully unlike the fireworks of revelation i expected. Thus my time here seems stale.

Like i am fading as i walk down these halls. I think... this is it.

Goodbye,
alma mater

c x?

And i find myself thinking of who i was and who i am now. Of how this track seems familiar. Familiar challenges. Familiar roads. Familiar lipids lining the inner layers of epidermis. Everything from the signboard to the patch of grass in the distance screams i have seen this before.

And i go to work every day now. Working only never knowing the meaning of what i do. I have lost my words though i can see colour ever so clearly and beautiful now. How it glimmers with a world that is not life.

I am afraid.

This is not madness. Only a restlessness that i can little control.

I am not afraid. Not afraid of tomorrow that still takes me by surprise.

I am not afraid. I am so scared.

I do not know if i have enough fight left within me. I know if push comes to shove, i will bash your face right in. And that is what people have learned.

Don't push me. I fight back.

Then, each motivation comes from me. I am meant to be an adult. Perhaps this is why potential only stops at a certain point. This point. Because now, i am to tell myself i can do this. With no basis, no support from others, i stand on air and pray i stand tall. My features shall mark no fear because i do not know the meaning of such a word.

As i grow older, i realize the fragility of what it means to be human and i become so afraid. We do not protect the old, because they are so powerful, they move the world with a touch of their fingertips. How many of those men and women are human? How many will break with a single word?

Have they rose to the occasion and i only a child? What does this mean?

And i wish to cast my heart to the wind and tear the tendrils of this tentacled monster that drips slime over my growing frame. Because i can feel it closing around my neck, constricting the very air i breathe.

Can i insist i have wings though it is so apparent that i am nothing but human?

And cry and shatter when i hit concrete but might they not be earnest tears? How brave am i to see what others cannot see? Acknowledge a world so different from theirs when maybe, just maybe i have kindled the desire to fit in.

Update!!

My friends here are turning their back on me. Or at least the ones in Halls. Well, i can little blame them. They extended their hand of friendship but when we got too close, i became afraid. I was afraid to be a part of their family simply because i fear labels. I didn't want a definite label... Now, i find myself with no ally.

The solution is simple... Pester them till i find a place among them. But i have sacrificed much of my pride with the locals and the Caucasians. I wonder where that open and friendly me went? Yet, i do not know how to manage the open face with a high sense of pride. There has to be a balance somewhere... A way that might make both ways seem plausible. Like being open yet guarded... However, i operate in extreme binary settings. Such a compromise seems impossible especially in the current state of mind. I do not know how to reconcile...

I wonder how easy it is to wave goodbye to heartbreak.

Easier than easy, harder than hard. It is to be expected, is it not? It is not possible to tear the flesh of your back and gain wings to fly. Yet, the act itself might yield freedom. Dare you not believe?

Perhaps that faith is the only solace. I've got a simple problem. I've got a crush (common) but... he doesn't see me. I think this is the first time, my crush doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Interesting huh? I'm used to playing on a field where i call the shots and suddenly... well, obviously i'm playing this game alone. There's no one here with me.

For a moment there, i thought he knew. But i ran away. And it became obvious i ran away. And i ran into oblivion before him. I simply disappeared.

Or, it could have just been a misunderstanding from the beginning. If i take his methods as attempting to be near a certain friend of mine then, everything falls back into place. Only it alters the landscape beyond recognition. In other words, from the beginning, we never played a game of tag. I've been caught in someone else's field where he and a friend of mine were playing mary-go-round.

I suppose this might be for the best. He seems an excellent ally. If i can discard any silly ideas of hope, then i believe he will be a formidable teacher to have, if only to tutor me in my speech and such.

I hope all the best for him. He and my friend knows they will not be pursuing a relationship, i think. At least not now... but, i hope he does something nice for her anyways. Like say hi to her when he walks past or even ask her to dance in the coming party. She deserves the best and i hope he is able to give even a fraction of that to her.

I think i'm the unneeded player who will be bowing off the freaking field and well, it doesn't feel that bad. A few days couped up in my room watching anime helped rehabilitate me a lot. Let's hope i am able to handle society tomorrow. I can't seem to handle direct company for the past few days because of this matter but i hope tomorrow's okay.

Otherwise, it looks like i'm going to be a hermit who runs to her room every single time. Or i can just struck up a conversation with the locals in the common room. Haih... it seems like there's always a game to play here. Always a certain mask that has to be on. Well, i wanna say screw it! I shouldn't give a flying fuck what my freaking face looks like to all these nutty peeps!

But i can't find the anchor of acceptance yet. If i eat alone, the locals laugh at me, my own friends pity me. If i eat with others... well, for the past few days i've been feeling shitty so i've been holed up in my room good. Like i said, maybe tomorrow's better.

But you'd never know, putting on my game face might be good practice for the future. My line of work kinda needs that game face to be at the ready y'know XD But unlike at home where i have my friends to unload off when the Jekyll mask comes off, i've got no one.

No one here...

Just like MMU. How reminiscent of the fact that it's so hard to trust people. Meh!!

Well, i've stopped wanting to mother everyone. The pride gets in the way, y'know... But, like i said, hopefully tomorrow's better...

A little crack in my pretty vase

Well, i did it.

I finally made myself alone, so reminiscent of my times in MMU. Okay, to cure it would be just to ask them what time they're having dinner.... but that depends very much if i want to do something of such to begin with....

Wait, i'm complaining about it then trying to solve it then complaining about the solution? Strange much? Or just so me, that it never cease to amaze me, the level of stupidity i display XD

Haha!! I think i'm used to being alone that when i'm here, i try to be alone here too...

A part of my persona that asks for no help also insists i find no one in the case that i'm alone. Reason being i'm meant to be alone. So it is justified. And any given time that i am alone, i should study the moment...

But i forget, a majority of not being alone is seeking company. Seeking comfort...

Friendship isn't a matter of pride and i should give as well as take. Therefore, if i do want my friends to remember that i exist, i should call them every once in awhile, ask them how they're doing. Right? Instead of expecting them to call me because that is plainly selfish.

I think i've been selfish all these while and being estranged... well, i should stop trying to avoid them. I forget, not every company is as forgiving as my old mates. I mean, the cohesiveness of our camaraderie is commendable to a certain extent. Or to my comfort at least, i feel it should be replicated. But it is different from the people here.

I think i do not bring the joy they expect me to bring to the table. I guess it kinda hits your self-esteem when you realize you're not good enough. But, okay, i shouldn't make this about me. I should go and ask them what time they're having dinner, make plans with them, insert myself back into their lives.

Because they're a wonderful bunch of people.

I think me missing won't do much. Maybe that's what i realized when i went with them to the Great Ocean Road. They're a cohesive bunch among themselves and i think a part of me envies that.

But i have to remember, that i have friends back at home who are still there for me. Who are capable of catching me when i fall. So, regardless of what happens here, i do have a place in the world and no one can take that away from me. I don't know how this possessive nature will help me through the problems but, somehow, that is the only reassurance i have to take the risks that i do.

I can be the unappreciated anomaly because... well, it's alright. It is alright. I will be alright.

Just to be sure, i'm going to re-check my MMU entries to see if i carry the same tone. Cause i have a feeling if i do, then it's MMU all over again.... ^_^;;;;

A peak around the corner

Coming down from a high is not always a bad things. I think there would be that one moment where you're coasting, and you feel the rush of wind against your skin. Or there is always the possibility of plunging down onto the ground. Looks like this is my first entry here... before, i didn't exactly know what i should write.

What should i tell about the world here? As these words to me echoes with the resonance of lessons that i have learned. What have i learned in the one month that i have left home?

Nothing?

Impossible. I know about the brown in me. About the pond that i lived in. But those are merely differences that i acknowledge. Nothing penetrating which strikes my soul. On the other hand, it might not be wise to ask for a drastic change. I cope no better under dire circumstances and according to my latest track record, i tend to burn rather than thrive.

So i kept my silence. When others ask of my time here, i gather things to be no different although in a way, they are. I know how it feels to be among the minority. But rather than the hostility i expected for those of my kind, these men and women react in the way they do because they do not know how to react among other different from them. It is a different sort of xenophobia one absent of violence or any sort of negativity that i pegged with the term. It's a passive condition which i find, some are not willing to rectify. Although the question too remain on my part, am i afraid of them?

I think at one point, i said yes. I think even now, the answer does not change. What is there not to fear of those who own the land you reside on? On a positive note, they are open and friendly people although coming from a different background than my own. And this falls to the matter of resentment of differences. Do you acknowledge differences to be hatred?

Personally, i think not. I think there has to be a line of division between particular hostility and fear of difference. Hostility for me means the air of vehemence associated with the particular act of threatening acts. Fear of difference just covers a few aversions to others because you do not know or cannot associate with them. Big difference in my book.

I think that was what i had to come to in the beginning. The people here do not approach anyone unless there is a reason for them to do so. Which i suppose after coming from Sunway campus and serving in the student council, i suppose i expected more. I mean, they are suppose to be a Western liberal country. Therefore there is a degree of openness which i admit i expected of each and everyone of them, probably something akin to America. But what i did not realize is that the degree of openness they display -which does exist by the way, is in fact a trade to the privacy and cold front they show any stranger they see. You would think that trusting a complete stranger is awfully dangerous, especially coming from a continent like Asia. We were taught distrust yet they are different. They are open only because they do not trust you until they have become accustomed to your presence.

We are the same, i believe only what i have modeled to be Asian is essentially me while what i view to be Western is them. Perhaps i only encounter this wall with them because they do not trust me from the beginning while with anyone of my skin tone or similar, we have a mutual understanding of one another, therefore our relationship progresses without having to chip the massive wall of security. In this case, every single minuscule exchange that occurs actually chips the wall until at one point, we finally decide we are capable of placing forth a shaky hand and thus the possibility of a first exchange is made.

Really, that's the only diplomatic solution. My friend told me not to rush it because they will be open to you in their own time but on the other hand, i only have a few months here. I suppose, the lack of time will be a positive note that i am capable of holding in the end because if i do not know them, i will not miss them surely. Although i regret the souls that i have missed in knowing. People are beautiful i find although i do not try to know them as deeply as i am capable of knowing,

I shut my eyes, did you know?

I do not see as i did and as usual, my soul cries to see beyond the physical skin because i do not know the extent of damage that i have caused with my actions but another part of me enjoys this ignorance. It allows me to be frivolous, to gain joy and happiness without fear of consequences. It is the life of complete irresponsibility that i craved and i think i led in the first few weeks here.

It is strange, when i think of no consequences, i think life becomes better in general. You live in the moment, without having fear nor knowledge of what is to come. Everyone expects me to be that way here, all of a sudden. It is strange. When i was in MMU, i find rejection because i was too rigid. Too contemplative. I was that deeper end of the pool that others do not venture in. NO ENTRY right? And because of that, i wished for my old friends. For my soulmates. It is because of the inability of these people to accept me for who i truly am.

It is occurring here too. Only they cannot fathom that i think beyond the open books and the written words and the mentioned syllables. I think too much. Far, far too much in certain instances. It isn't normal. Or so they keep on telling me. It isn't normal, or so i tell myself.

It's hard for me to balance between the two because when my physical body is drained, my mind begins to think. I tried to stall it. I didn't do my readings, i didn't do anything because i know if i start thinking, i won't stop. Because if i open my eyes i cannot deny the world i see because i will see it as how i should truly view it. And my mind will work. And it will speak, and ignite. I will not stop thinking and unless i can find a bridge between this sense of me and one viewed by others, i will settle in unrest.

However, i believe i can take a backseat in conversations now. I do not need to dominate considering we have other powerful individuals who are willing to do so. I think it's alright for me to settle in stasis although it would be more interesting if i can balance the two. More challenging and i've always walked the tougher road just to see if i can.

Looking back, i wonder if i have changed since i was younger. I remember once i told a friend of mine, for me, you're the same person as you were before because your core values never changed. I wonder if mine did?

I think an integral part of me is asking for a change. The rule where i dictated there to be none other i take as a partner. I keep on reiterating the story of JW and i inclusive of the talk i made which pushed him to confess. It's one where i tell him the idea of me and another is a joke because i am extremely self-sufficient. But what i learned in the past year is that i am not and so i toy with the idea of me and another merely for the fun of it. Only fun is something i do not do.

I might be spontaneous yes, but rarely am i without studying the various consequences and outcome that might occur. I fly, my dear friends only you do not see the safety net below. Rare do i take a leap of faith and this leap, is across a sunny, massive chasm that spans across time. Because i have always told myself that i am alone. I'm not. Not really, anyways.

Here comes the question, dare i open my heart to be toyed with? Because essentially that is what this game dictates. Perhaps i have nothing to ponder here, therefore, i force a growth that does not occur naturally. I will tell myself that this is risky. I do not know if i will listen.

I think i will watch but i do not think i will play. I think my heart will be half-open but, i do not think it is wise for me to play a game with such uncertain players. Therefore, i will withhold. Perhaps that explains my hesitance at walking forward in that arena.

I am ready, i believe, for a relationship but i do not think it is wise for me to encourage or pursue any just yet. My desire for a companion is ready, but my life is not. We will have to see how his unfolds and if my decision will change in due time.

I can only pray that this situation does not change because regardless of anything, a part of my heart still tells me no and i do not wish to engage in anything save whole-heartedly.

So my new year begins

Alright, so i sent out the cards.

Time to make amends, and get off my knees. Chin up girl, look at the sky.

I feel like the cycle is starting again, kinda like old cogwheels turning despite rust and stuff. Pain becomes bearable when you're looking ahead because in insignificance can we see the goodness that is left.

Take risks. Make change happen. You've got something to live for, so do it. I know you've got it in you somewhere, old hag. Get off those puny feet of yours and move. =P

Haha!! I think in a way i regretted a few things with the card. Writing is a little like stripping in public and gosh all those garments are on the ground now! Shyte!!! Well, i tried to un-emo-fy the words, but... i didn't feel like holding back. And... well, my words were worst last time, kay?

When i was younger, my words were like the Kame Hame Ha! But now, it's just like a punch in the gut. Or maybe a tickle. Depends on your defence system.

It was kinda hard to insert happiness when i started cause i could only think of me and wondering, why should i even bother saying sorry to a bunch of people who are going to throw my words out the window anyway? I mean, we're such an apathetic society, that if i do try to make people feel happy, they'd just spit in my face and stomp me down. Heck, even when the other side of my brain tried to cheer me up, i basically told her to take the incessant "love ALL" chatter and shove it up hers! (which was really mine, if you think of it in a lewd, totally disgusting way).

But i did it anyway. Why do something if you don't want to, you ask?

Because... who said i didn't want to?

Somewhere deep inside me, told me to do the right thing. Be a man, do the right thing, right?

It began, when i first picked up the pencil, to be because i didn't wanna be forgotten. By constantly nagging at people of my existence, i never truly leave. I think sometimes, that's why we have blogs, twitter, constant status updates on facebook. Hey, leave an imprint in written word and light a candle in the dark, right? That was the major guilt part. Because, i did not want the card to be an act of "taking". It is meant to be a sincere gift, with no strings attached, i didn't want to ask anything from anyone who got it.

But in the end, i pretty much "gave" it away although i have a feeling i did "take" a little from it. Haih, shows you really can't control your emotions.

But anyways, same as the last time when i produced the card, i've got that little nagging doubt in my head that went, "Oh shit, girl, you dunnit now! Now they really see who you are and damn, you don't have a bikini ready body!" Pah! My head goes "Sentimental old hag! Sentimental old hag!" at every other interval, i should write into a song. My theme song. How appropriate.

I think the good thing about people, is the exact reason why i never wanted to give them the card to begin with. They don't really care. So, even though i'm walking around in my skimmies, no one's looking this way.

I wanted to actually produce a Note on facebook, to write about the inspiration behind the art and stuff but... i'll tell you if you ask. I'm kinda worried that i'm harping too much on this non-issue that something's bound to blow up in my face. If it doesn't matter, then i don't want to make it matter, cause i don't think that's worth it.

This is it, probably the first day of my new year.

Happy New Year 2010, my dearest blogspot.

Conversations with Me I

How can you be so idealistic? the other part of me asked, the tinge of incredulity barely masked by sheer bafflement. I answered the first words that came through my mind, because it is easier to be. And a bright ray of light piercing through dense clouds flashed before my eyes. Hope. What if the world breaks apart? my doubt pressed. Then what use are your imaginary ideals? My mind blanked. For a moment, that little glare of sunshine crumbled to red ash. Yet, even as paradise broke before my eyes, my heart beat fervently in chest. It won't. And i know it won't.