Me

I am afraid.

I am afraid that this is all I will ever be. This being the very reflection of them. It is how much I can take it all in, how strong I am in my outward appearance.

I am more than this, I have to remember that. I am more than academics, politics and administrator. I am an artist, I am a writer.

I am an artist. My soul IS art.

And I have to be beyond politics, beyond hidden agendas and snakes in the grass. Regardless of what happens, I have to remember my soul. And it isn't politics and hidden agendas. I wish to be a straight road and be stronger because of it.

The past few days were difficult. I was descending into understanding and I understand by immersing myself in the essence of knowledge. It consumed me though it really should be I who wielded the control. It became every waking moment I had and echoed in my dreams. I felt like that is all I am, the knowledge that took me by force.

I will have to find pockets of air to breathe or open one of my own. I worry if I switch the world off, there will be somethings I will miss. This might be a valid worry but... if I care enough, this wouldn't happen.

It will be like arguing anime where I will remain forever inspired. I must not forget the world that surrounds me because as large as the portrait I wish to paint, it is often the tiny details that touches my heart.

Fear

Sometimes i really believe i've brought all these maladies upon my own head. My desperation, my youth, my need to be someone important is worthy of being exploited. It makes me vulnerable.

I will have to be aware of my movements from now onwards because i am no longer a queen piece on the chessboard. I am nothing but a pawn and that leaves me susceptible to outside influences. Others will find it easy to manipulate me and retrieve something from me.

I will have to be careful lest i give something that can never be returned.

I am afraid. Because there is no one to guide me. There are no allies. I do not know where a kind hand is there for sincerity or have they another need of me. I am afraid because this "game" is real. It isn't the little push-and-prod manipulations i played in high school or uni. This is real because failure means i will lose my job. Then again, i will have to remember, this career is not everything i am. I am more than this as i am more than a writer, more than a cat owner, more than ME.

I will have to be strong and face this raging wind.

I am stronger than this.