The reason why?

Yo.

Yeah, i know i told chibi that i was going to sleep but i thought i'd pen some words if only upon death ears or blind eyes.

I'm pretty much satisfied/embarassed.

I managed to send the bloody card that i was stalling so much for. I was afraid that people are gonna laugh at it.... or act completely nonchalant towards it when i realise, i really to tell someone why i do it.... Why i act so sentimental as to produce a card each year just to pass it around and ask for forgiveness.

I won't go into the deeper reasons why but i'd just state my most basic, cause... i know someone would ask why. And the most dignified reason that i can conjure, aside from the excuse that i'm sentimental would be that i don't want to die tomorrow and not tell everyone how much they mean to me. I don't want to die with that regret in my heart of never uttering an apology.

Yeah, i know it would be hard for me to say it in real life. But, this is the only way i know how.

It's what i do, holding on to memories and emotions.

And wanting people to be happy...

Haha!! Maybe i am sleepy.

Note to self: still have a few more cards to go!! Some of the cards bounced back. Looks like i didn't get their mail right or something =(

Haha!! Okies. Gonna go to bed now. Nights!!

One reason

Yo'!!

I think i've come to a decision.

Okay, now's where i mysteriously babble myself to death. Haha!! Be prepared! =P

Y'know, i remember thinking last year. Or at least, the time that i was in MMU. I was worried that my actions are conducted based on values i learned through the television. Mass-produced, commercialised values. In one simple word? Drama.

Yups!! And i might have reacted that way. Still am... or so i realised. ^_^;;

Haha!!

And i've just dedicated my life to battling commercialism. So... a cause to fight anyone?

Weird. I'd go through hell and heaven to stand up for my beliefs but... i can't even get up and get my sis's handphone for her when she asks for it.... >.< Hmm...

I think i'm going through the inferiority complex thing again. Wait. Correction. It is not an 'i think'. It's an 'I know'. Haih.... Stupid puberty thing.

Anyways, i think... going into the course (i don't think i told it here) i had my doubts after awhile. Especially cause my results didn't exactly show the prodigy that i hoped to be. Haih. Looks like i might not be one. I suck.

But i should keep this down to earth. I should remember why i want to be a writer. I was watching 'Everywomen' on Al-Jazeera just now. Yeah. Haha!! All of a sudden i felt like breaking into the news. Anyways, they were talking about Women writers on the border of Iraq or it was in the state near Iraq i'm a little unsure. I only caught the butt of it.

And... well, they really have a cause to fight for. I read two books written by Jean Sasson a few months back talking about the harshness of the system and how one-sided it can be to women in the middle east. I guess it might be an assumption to say the same apply to them (referring to the people featured in Al-Jazeera) cause i didn't research on this stuff.

That's when i realise i know what's missing from me.

A reason to write.

A cause.

My aim to be a writer was simple when i signed up for this Monash course. It was just to help people. Because i want to do something that i can assist with these hands.

That's my cause.

That's why i'm doing this.

Let me remember, that this is why i'm alive.

One foot

Hello.

Well, my post today indicates that i am alive.

I'm just going to start off with a nice cyptic statement.

I think i started it.

I think i'm making my family break apart. Maybe as i was looking at them, cursing them for their blindness and ignorance towards the emotion of one another, my hands had striked a hammer unto the ground, splintering the remains of this family apart.

It was my fault, wasn't it?

It is because i exist right?

It's because of me...

Haha!! I guess i did it again.

Just a little case on the update, the fam's a little rocky at the mo. I've complained enough so, i guess that statement will do. At present, my mother hates me because she believes that i in turn hate her. Such a strong word, yet any lesser of a word would do the situation no justice. My siblings are wary of me. After all, i am much like a tyrant raining hale across the land. Bringing forth devastation even as i breathe. Even as i exist. It is me. At one moment, i can be calm. My spirit a drawn horizontal line stretched across the scene. Yet the next... yes, the next is where you will see my rage. It is anger. Wrath. It is my vengeance of my own existance brought upon the lives of these innocent people.

It is my fault, really.

My father just doesn't care. Or he pretends not to. I don't know. I stopped questioning after awhile.

I remember the last time this anger had struck. It was when the division of affection had been greatest. When i was younger and love, the rancid word that it is seem scarce.

I guess that is the only moment that i feel out of sort. When i really feel displaced from society because all of a sudden, the line that contained the throng of human hearts just seem too narrow for a space that was me. I also remember how i grew out of it.

I had school. I had friends who really accepted me. I had comfort and the support and projects to complete. School to focus on. Life to lead. There was so much going on. I had to grow out of this.

I hope this baggage doesn't stay. Because, i'm older. I should be able to lead my life now.

I should be stronger, ne?

Haha!! I can't let this bother me too much, but i guess cause i have nothing much to worry about, this stuff is the easiest thing to worry about. Anyways, i'm thinking about spending a couple of nights in Cyber after this. Just taking a few days off.

Well, that's all now.

Sorry for the depressing entry. I wish i was more cheerful by nature, but.... hmm... i wonder if it's a little too late to convert myself... XD haha... I'm gonna have to think about that. =P Anyways. That it.

Ja'