Egotism

I think people change every minute of their daily lives. The person that i was a millisecond before is definitely not the same creature i inhibit now.

My desires change, my emotions, my understanding... who i am in terms of reaction become so completely different. Yesterday, I would have ranted and raved about my boss and how the world conspires against me. But i suppose, I should be better than this.

What difference am I from him and those like him if i let the anger consume? I remember once, i could have swallowed fire. I would have ingested it into a smaller flame. Where has that patience gone?

Where has my understanding and human compassion gone?

I have written on my wall, 'what is understanding but caressing the soul with your fingertips?'

It burns.

It does burn and just like him who do not want to feel my pain, i refuse to acknowledge his.

Do i worry i burn and find no outlet for my pain? I have learned to fear the fire... Sorry, too many burns. I do not wish to receive any more.

But, every day we live it cannot be denied that we are inherently morally judged. Everything i do is a testimony of me and those around me.

I cannot be afraid of that fire.

I use to revel in pain but there are pockets in my conscious where i only wish to feel the joy and all the happiness and the egoism i can pertain and after, i feel really filthy for wanting to boost my arrogance. Mostly because i should not, and there are those who are moral conducts who say i should not. I will not deny that most of my actions are to keep people happy. It's to keep me happy too, hopefully.

Maybe if i limit the times my egotism may take charge... But then, i worry others will comment on the inconsistency... But maybe that is the risk that i have to take, probably as the girl who hates-then does not hate-then hates her boss/writings/work/world.

People change every second of the day, and I do hope we are able to understand and remember that...