Maybe I will have to think about what is important. I know this job is important. I know if i think about the cause it is important. But, is it worth being such a jerk towards my friends for? I think working in a small company, we get a really small demographic of people who surround each other every day and who know what the other is thinking. In a way, i forgot how it was like not to care - which was one of the reasons why i didn't want to care about this cause to begin with - because the propaganda i produce will be twice as effective. Now i'm too close. And it's getting quite difficult to get further away.
I think there are certain facts that we can't change. Our goal is to criminalize war. People are saying things like "Maybe there are factors that's involved. There are people whose lives depend on this warfare." but, i suppose in my thoughts, it isn't worth a life. I think i need to create a character and try to understand things from her perspective. I need a... i dunno, let's call her Jenna.
We'll put Jenna around my age now. She grew up in Ipoh, Perak (cause i want to give her a place with good food). She glances the newspaper but doesn't focus that much on world news. Her friends often call her out and she's blessed with parents who understand the need for freedom, thus they do allow her that amount of independence. She's nice, polite and growing up in Malaysia, understand the need for religious tolerance and understanding. She had unwittingly absorbed some teachings from almost every religion but has decided to live depending on the barometer of conscience.
When she gets up in the morning, the first thing she will think of is food. Then, she will normally review her activities for the day (in the shower or something). The posters of UNICEF and such that display children are commonly ignored by her. She does not know if she is ready to help. She does not feel herself capable.
I don't believe people outrightly refuse ideas or activities if they do not receive an outright gain. I believe in that 'good' in people that if you know that there are people dying in other places for absolutely no reason, we would feel like helping.
In other words, places and the injustices done to the people over seas will have to be brought home. But, i think a part of me, the *me* part of me feels quite broken that we might be introducing these issues to them. I suppose in a sense, i should be thankful for their apathy, because then, they will not care.
Then, at least they are happy. It is upsetting because for something to be done, it unfortunately involves everyone. Me saying there are people dying for no reason, should not be the only voice. I think it's like how one of the activist i met put it, "What do you care about?" and, do you understand that what this is, will come for you at the end of the day. In a way, if we ARE the remaining independent power, then too bad, we'll be fried last lah. But i suppose i should not impose my fears on them.
It is difficult because we are pointing our metaphorical guns at the very hearts of those who are responsible for making the world go round. I become afraid for those whom i love, for my family, for my friends...
But they don't need to know my fears. They just... I probably just need them to support me regardless of what i do. I suppose if I cannot have their passion, i might just have to settle for their faith. For them to trust me regardless of anything...
The problem with hiding so much information is like carrying this massive secret that's always tempting to be thrown. I must be able to swallow it, to not speak of it all the time. Maybe i should do what i usually do with information of this kind... don't tell those I care about. Because i need, need, need them to keep smiling.
I need to stop feeling so smart all the time just because I know something they don't and it's something that *gasp* will change their view of the WORLD!! Or not. But anyway, i have to gather strength to protect them, in a sense.
I just need to think about other things. Like birds, or cockroaches or anything. I should be happy listening to their stories instead of thinking "well, we might be dying by 2012 anyway...."
