Hello!

It's been long since i've updated, ne? I realised, well, rather breifly if ever any of my recent friends do get a hold of this address, all they'd find would be my post-high school years. Not a mistake but rather sad to think that my life began after the living hell of teenager-dom. *sigh* on the other hand, maybe i should take that back. In comparison to the spitting flames in others mine was more of this small firecracker that just keeps going off at the oddest moment.

Things happened then that you think aren't so bad now. Or, in my case it was more of how strong we were. I was. Haha!! I can't be coherent on this. I think, somehow i'm living so much in the past that nohing in the present excites me anymore. Yeah, i can still be obsessed or overly happy when i see Neji but in the whole? Suddenly i'm finding it troublesome to make friends with others which is frustrating.

I enjoy their company but the sheer calculation involved before meeting them or the need to impress them becomes such a false mask and it parasites on the skin. The mask turns not into something of beauty, i can say. It is just so much politics at the beginning of the road, even before chancing upon the gate. It just feels so tiring.

It wasn't how it was before, that's for sure. Somehow evolving from not caring to caring too much... in a way it feels like somethings missing rather than something being gained. My self-confidence which just flows out the door. I say flow rather than flew as it seems more gradual than sudden.

I think i understand now, women's obsesssion with how they look. I suppose my sister is the flower and i am nothing but the stem. I would love to be the root, really rather than the flower but, i am not that either. When comparisons such as this is done, and everyone pitches in their ten cents, it not only hurts but becomes this irritating whine that you wish to destroy. Only i know why they do it. It isn't because of me. If your daughter is the size of a cow, what would you care? It's her life. Perhaps only if her sugar level's high then it becomes a cause for concern.

It's because it is also a mask that you wear. I can see how much of what we do is to impress the opposite party and i become angry, irritated, in a simpler word, pissed that this is done. Not only because it hurts me but it degrades you to hand the power over to the other. But do i not do the same? Am i not a victim of these daily politics?

We went on a short vacation for a while a few days ago. It was quite refreshing to tell you the truth. Aside from my mom getting her needed rest, i got a lot of things done. Haha! Not saving the world stuff, mind you. It was simple things like drawing and writing. Completed a chapter at least of two of my fics though i think they need to be refined further. I tend to forget the description of rooms and movements and such when a conversation is going on but i should place it in anyways. It needs to be saturated with such.

I'm gonna talk a little about my art course now. I don't regret taking it. As a matter of fact, i don't see myself doing anything else besides this. The art course is harder. Much harder than IT had been or at least to me it is. I could have easily chosen pharmacy to go into but anything other than this would have been... futile. I don't place any money on destiny but, this road feels right.

But a problem keeps on coming in the form of decisions. What if i don't want to save the world? Would anyone understand that? What if all i want is to make people happy? Because that is my goal isn't it? By writing so that you can appreciate that there is a certain morbid beauty about this world and that even if you struggle so hard to make the next move, move you will. When you get out of your sofa or couch or chair or even bed in the morning or even think, it is a miracle because, in a way, you haven't given up on hope.

Am i just speaking nonsense?

Haha! Back from lala land. I just hope that i can retain my ties with my friends. Without feeling it to be something so strained, a single whiff of wind would cause it to snap...