I don't cry that much.
Yeah, i guess that much is true. Or at least in public it is ^_^
I'm not one to shed tears when i'm hurt because, i think i did that too much when i was younger. Either that or i think crying over a booboo that can go away with the right medication is quite silly. It isn't something permanent, damn it.
It might also be because my father was quite loose handed when i cry earlier in my years. He raised us to quell our tears. It doesn't matter what happens. You don't fucking cry. Because we're not pansies. We'd face our problems like the Man we're meant to be.
The third is because of pride. I think a part of me would think it's cool if i cried in front of the right person or people who are really close to me rather than just bawling my tears out for others to see. Crying means you're admitting that you have a weakness. It's saying that you have committed a fault. It's rare that my tears are for another (except in fanfiction. Those tearjerker ones are *special*). I hate revealing my weakness to people because it makes my weakness more concrete and it seems like i'm proud of it.
I think i'm much more lax with this now because well... i do have this blog isn't it? As if talking about yourself and the problems you faced isn't an indicator of what's seriously wrong with you *snort*
But i think i realize what really produces my tears. I'm a selfish bastard (whoops, i think that was more of an insult to me mum than me). So it isn't one of those delicate 'i hurt you so i'm bawwing cause i really hurt you' sort of thing. I feel really really like an ass-wipe when i let myself down.
It's happened many times before. The time i fought with June and ended up crying, the time i hit my father's car, the time i saw the price of my shoes wrongly and had my aunt pay triple the amount, and now, it's cause i forgot to bring my clothes to this stupid wedding.
We're suppose to wear green. Well, i forgot to bring my green stuff cause i thought my sister packed it in for me. I came back late yesterday, so i was in a rush to pack my stuff. I just assumed it was the under-things and my tees and jeans that were missing. But it was more. A lot more.
It's easy to say that i was pissed with my sister for not including my stuff inside. I guess she packed for the rest of the family that i assumed she got mine as well. I guess i made several mistakes in these assumptions. As a matter of fact, with all the problems in the above, i realize i always made the same mistakes:
It's by assuming.
Everyone thinks i'm perfect. No, not in the straight A's, hot super duper human beings sort of perfect. It's more of this dependability that i can exert or release like toxic fumes in the air.
There is this level of strength that they expect from me and i expect from myself. That's why i keep on telling myself, "I'm perfect, damn it! So what's the problem?" (Hah! Now we know why my head's so darn big!!)
And those moments; that moment when i hurt ah bune, when i hit the car, when i cost my aunt a lot of money and this recent anger towards my sister is all based on the fact that i broke this assumption.
Hell, in those moments, i'm far from perfect. And it's like a smack in the face. Someone out there's really happy that you're not Miss Strong, Powerful character. This view of myself that i have gets extremely fractured.
I was meant to be a perfect friend but what kind of friend even does the kind of shit that i did to another person?
I'm suppose to be an accomplished driver. Granted, that was only my second week of driving but i've NEVER made a mistake in my life. Not a mistake this costly. It cost my pride because i hit my father's car. My father would never expect such a thing from me... On the other hand, most father's don't exactly plan for the children ramming into another of their cars. But i knew he loved the car more than anything else in the world. And i had to go plow into it like it was a stack of hay. If i didn't know any better, i would have thought that that was some hidden resentment or something coming from deep inside. But hell, i'm so stupid. Full stop.
The situation with my aunt was rather easy. I didn't look at the price properly. Yeaps. Stupid me. I was so engrossed with getting what i wanted. Heh. Look at where it got me. I'm such a bitch, man. Thinking that i'm good and shit when i can turn around and do this.
Then, the latest installment. This mistake. I assumed. They assumed that i've got it together. I'm suppose to be perfect, right? But the only person i let down time and time again is myself.
And that's why i cry, i think. It just devastates me to let me down.
Don't think the above are isolated cases by the way. The tapestry of my sins at this moment would cover 3/4s of the Universe. I remember almost every single mistake that i've committed against anyone. I know when i've hurt you which makes me that much worst.
It seems repetitive isn't it? This topic. But... i suppose hurt emotions don't suddenly stop hurting just because you experience it again.
I'm a bitch. And crying does. not. help.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Writing vs. Art
You know how words just simply flow in your head when you're planning the Gonna-Write(TM)? Well, i hate that. Cause that means by the time i switch the computer on, all those beautiful words would have leaked out like an unclogged pipe! Yeah, in other words, i sound half as intelligent as i do in my head. Hmm.. but switching the perspective around, i suppose the fact that i'm much too arrogant in my abilities might be the cause of that. I mean, if there's no one to tell you 'You suck!', you're be able to praise yourself all the more right? XD
Haha!!
Okay, not the point. No philosophy. Darn, i just remembered i left my book downstairs. Anyway, i've got a semi-major problem. I've always divided the outlet for my tension through three mediums. The first is writing, the second: art and the third... well, that's probably babble. I try to bottle up my emotions because if it flows too much into the third, then what'll happen to the first and the second? I suppose this isn't a fear i air that often cause it isn't something anyone can solve. How do you vanquish shadows formed by your own hands? Someone's either gonna have to cover it or push it away from the light. Let there be emptiness or something.
Alright, digressing again.
The main problem is... what if i favor one over the other? I think i'm a person who always wants what she can't have. The dress that costs 600 bucks? Damn, i bet i'd just drool over it until it's in my hands. Then, yadda! Nothing. My dreams are pretty much the same way too. I've got what i want, which is to be a writer. I'm going to be one, by hook or by crook (actually the worst case scenario is that i'll starve before anything happens). But now, i find that i express myself better in my art. Like, a world, formed by my own hands is ambiguous enough to reflect my emotions, wholly. It's different from my writing which is now used to compare the differences between Althusser and Foucault. It's like... as my written work became more transparent and straight-forward, my art takes an abstract meaning.
Like i can't stand it if my fingers write something that have to be interpreted by a third party. I'm so used to clearing matters for my lecturers and stating my points so that they follow through, that in the end, i can't write my stories as i had written them once. They lack in the richness of meaning, because i insist on dictating how the matters are to be interpreted.
This isn't my way of writing.
I believe writing to be an act of democracy and it should be reflected in my work. But it isn't working. I'm tyrannical in my stories these days. And that's just plain wrong...
Haha!!
Okay, not the point. No philosophy. Darn, i just remembered i left my book downstairs. Anyway, i've got a semi-major problem. I've always divided the outlet for my tension through three mediums. The first is writing, the second: art and the third... well, that's probably babble. I try to bottle up my emotions because if it flows too much into the third, then what'll happen to the first and the second? I suppose this isn't a fear i air that often cause it isn't something anyone can solve. How do you vanquish shadows formed by your own hands? Someone's either gonna have to cover it or push it away from the light. Let there be emptiness or something.
Alright, digressing again.
The main problem is... what if i favor one over the other? I think i'm a person who always wants what she can't have. The dress that costs 600 bucks? Damn, i bet i'd just drool over it until it's in my hands. Then, yadda! Nothing. My dreams are pretty much the same way too. I've got what i want, which is to be a writer. I'm going to be one, by hook or by crook (actually the worst case scenario is that i'll starve before anything happens). But now, i find that i express myself better in my art. Like, a world, formed by my own hands is ambiguous enough to reflect my emotions, wholly. It's different from my writing which is now used to compare the differences between Althusser and Foucault. It's like... as my written work became more transparent and straight-forward, my art takes an abstract meaning.
Like i can't stand it if my fingers write something that have to be interpreted by a third party. I'm so used to clearing matters for my lecturers and stating my points so that they follow through, that in the end, i can't write my stories as i had written them once. They lack in the richness of meaning, because i insist on dictating how the matters are to be interpreted.
This isn't my way of writing.
I believe writing to be an act of democracy and it should be reflected in my work. But it isn't working. I'm tyrannical in my stories these days. And that's just plain wrong...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Identity Crisis
Okay, maybe for once i'll try writing a post that does not pilfer my words out for the sake of sounding intelligent.
Now, i use to be one heck of a kick-ass writer (heck, really? well, i think so) at least in comparison to now. I think words just come better to me when i'm at the bottom of the food chain. Come one, last time the parentals said i sucked at writing, and guess what, well, it wasn't that i proved them wrong, but i did get better. They also said i sucked at art and again, no picasso here, but at least i can err... colour. Yes. Colour. I think my heart isn't attached to my art.
I think i need to write without worrying about the perceptions that surrounds the writing. Like, i don't think i want to write with all the higher english and stuff. I want to just write a normal story that might, in a way, reflect me. Because i'm learning that myself as a writer... well, all i want is to leave a footprint in this world. I'm not even asking for the weirdo immortality stuff.
I just want to be here.
So i write in words that i gather to be more intelligent than my own. But guess what? It doesn't flow better! How am i suppose to say that i want to write street slang in my articles? How do you explain to people that your voice broke, that's why you can't sing better? (I know this is unrelated, but if you know that i'm a girl then maybe you get the point).
Why would i want to belittle what i had, the ability that i had and replace it with this other desire that is not worth the price? It's like my capabilities fell apart but my desire to write still haven't. So i insist on forcing myself to churn out stories that are semi-intelligent.
Why shouldn't go all the way on stupid right?
Because of pride.
I told chibi during the weekends i think that writing encompasses everything. It is such a clear reflection of who you are that once you write, there's just this comfort to know that it is you who hold the pen. You can write about anything and be accepted.
Then what about this difference in my ability? This sudden need to talk in street language and be regarded as someone of lower social stature than one who is capable of mingling with the upper folks?
I dunno...
Maybe i should write a story in street slang and try it out. Gauge the reaction. But the minute i want to write something funny, something else stops me. It's like i can't bring myself to regurgitate all the funny things that i've read (reference to intertextuality here).
I'm confused... And i guess this is where identity crisis comes in ^_^;;
Now, i use to be one heck of a kick-ass writer (heck, really? well, i think so) at least in comparison to now. I think words just come better to me when i'm at the bottom of the food chain. Come one, last time the parentals said i sucked at writing, and guess what, well, it wasn't that i proved them wrong, but i did get better. They also said i sucked at art and again, no picasso here, but at least i can err... colour. Yes. Colour. I think my heart isn't attached to my art.
I think i need to write without worrying about the perceptions that surrounds the writing. Like, i don't think i want to write with all the higher english and stuff. I want to just write a normal story that might, in a way, reflect me. Because i'm learning that myself as a writer... well, all i want is to leave a footprint in this world. I'm not even asking for the weirdo immortality stuff.
I just want to be here.
So i write in words that i gather to be more intelligent than my own. But guess what? It doesn't flow better! How am i suppose to say that i want to write street slang in my articles? How do you explain to people that your voice broke, that's why you can't sing better? (I know this is unrelated, but if you know that i'm a girl then maybe you get the point).
Why would i want to belittle what i had, the ability that i had and replace it with this other desire that is not worth the price? It's like my capabilities fell apart but my desire to write still haven't. So i insist on forcing myself to churn out stories that are semi-intelligent.
Why shouldn't go all the way on stupid right?
Because of pride.
I told chibi during the weekends i think that writing encompasses everything. It is such a clear reflection of who you are that once you write, there's just this comfort to know that it is you who hold the pen. You can write about anything and be accepted.
Then what about this difference in my ability? This sudden need to talk in street language and be regarded as someone of lower social stature than one who is capable of mingling with the upper folks?
I dunno...
Maybe i should write a story in street slang and try it out. Gauge the reaction. But the minute i want to write something funny, something else stops me. It's like i can't bring myself to regurgitate all the funny things that i've read (reference to intertextuality here).
I'm confused... And i guess this is where identity crisis comes in ^_^;;
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The post lacking emo-ness
Hello!!
Well, today i'm not updating anything important. No problems here, just a need to ramble. Hehe...
Guess the past few days when i had Misa over guaranteed some company. Now that Misa's gone back, guess i'm off to prattle by myself.
You know, i think today i'm gonna write down my list of wishes. You know, sorta like... "I wish that i can eat ice cream all the time," (i had too much of this in the past that's why it's a wish now =P). Or, "I wish Lockon hadn't died in S1 Gundam 00." Or that "Yuu Shirota was the kid who lived next door" ---> I'm only making this wish because it's amusing. I don't think i'd care if he lived next door XD.
Or "I wish that i owned my own bookstore." Okay, just so that this doesn't take a sour downturn and a pity party, i'll make up a rule that i'm not allowed to make wishes to repair my own defects. Cause i know there are plenty of those and we can angst another time, ne? ^_~
Well, my first, OTP is definitely Tezuka and Fuji. No piccies included cause i teh lazy. XD Actually, they're like my ULTIMATE OTP cause when i was suppose to write some love scene for a play we did in MMU, i thought "heck, i can't come up with a single love sentence between these characters."
So i changed the names in the script-writing process and wrote the scene as a conversation between Tezuka and Fuji. And guess what? It worked. Damn, those two are so easy to write. Be it in angst or fluff, they've just got a natural chemistry and this compatible air which i simply can't refute.
Next couple: Yamato and Taichi from Digimon.
The series is pretty old but somehow, these two kept it alive for me. Actually, i see their relationship growing brutally from friendship and crossing straight into a strongly sexual relationship. (Yayness!! Fic, if there is any!! XD) Hmm... don't ask me why. It might be cause of their characters where both are rash in their own way. I always find it weird when people made either calculative. Matt or Yamato might be repressive but i don't think he second-guesses objectives that much.
Another plot that i'm quite fond of reading is i suppose the cliched 'confession'. But honestly, as a reader, i expect the writer to take me through an intense emotional journey rather than a breeze in the park. So, the ones that i'm fond of reading build-up to the confession or has the confession in the beginning only you see the inner turmoil within the characters. Ah, the life of drama. Isn't it fascinating for us *normal* human beings?
Anyways, i guess i'm fond of this couple because... i'm biased. I like Matt. He has been mah fave chara for a long time, so in order for me to keep his memory alive, i'd have to continuously read about him. Unfortunately, the only available stories are those that require a life partner. Okay, maybe not so unfortunate... The genre 'romance' takes a lot to get used to but, once you find your niche, then the fics come pouring to yea XD.
But anyways, i find the dynamic between these two characters interesting. They differ so much from the passive relationship that i see Tezuka and Fuji going through. Both are more volatile and explosive in a sense. That's why i see the transition of their relationship as something sudden and strong.
The following is probably the only het couple that i strongly support. I have some pet ones but, for those, i'm simply fond of a character, so i'd read the stories just to get them XD
It's Fuuko and Mikagami from Flame of Recca.
Another old series but i love when the writers describe their interaction with one another; snippy, witty and quick. Quite adorable and a very lively relationship, if you ask me. I am quite fond of Fuuko's character which can range from angsty to downright cheerful but it is when one borders on the other that really colours a fic for me. Mikagami is another character that show how deeply still waters seep down the cracks.
I don't have much to comment about this couple aside from the fact that i do like them. The stories i tend to read revolving these characters are quite generic because i feel like anything extreme is out of the ordinary for them although they did go through one hell of an experience in high school. Anyways, their interaction is funny... =P
The fourth is a very odd couple for me to talk about. It's Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Now, how many would expect that from me?
Not the couple, but the fandom XD Haha!! These two definitely made J.K.Rowling's series alive for me though there are times that i ask "Harry Potter who?"
XD
The side effect of reading the supporting roles too much ^_^;; But, well, she didn't delve too deeply into them that the fics i read become Out Of Character or anything. These two, in the world of fandom have a typical relationship. Black is suppose to be a womanizer while Lupin is a bookish nerd. They hang out in the same group, with Lupin being a closet-homo and Black still the womanizer when one day, Black realizes that he loves Lupin. Cliche. I realize my life is surrounded by cliches but more often than not, the cliched stories are easier to read because you know what to expect.
Anyway, i do welcome changes in their relationship though i don't seek for them.
Another is probably Hikaru and Akira from Hikaru no Go.
I should mention that these are couples that if they're written seperated from the other, my mind immediately shuts the story out. It is quite curious how this works because, the action seems rather reflexive.
I have other pet faves like NejiGaara, or Clouffie or something but, with these guys, i'm not too bothered if they end up with other people. Except for Neji. I think i like him being a single, third party just fine unless he's written well. =P
Haha!!
I guess that's another post for major crappage~
Maybe i'll talk more about fanfic next time =D
Hehe... Byes!!
I'm gonna struggle with facebook now.
Well, today i'm not updating anything important. No problems here, just a need to ramble. Hehe...
Guess the past few days when i had Misa over guaranteed some company. Now that Misa's gone back, guess i'm off to prattle by myself.
You know, i think today i'm gonna write down my list of wishes. You know, sorta like... "I wish that i can eat ice cream all the time," (i had too much of this in the past that's why it's a wish now =P). Or, "I wish Lockon hadn't died in S1 Gundam 00." Or that "Yuu Shirota was the kid who lived next door" ---> I'm only making this wish because it's amusing. I don't think i'd care if he lived next door XD.
Or "I wish that i owned my own bookstore." Okay, just so that this doesn't take a sour downturn and a pity party, i'll make up a rule that i'm not allowed to make wishes to repair my own defects. Cause i know there are plenty of those and we can angst another time, ne? ^_~
- I wish that the anime couples i support become the dominant coupling in a fandom that way more fanfiction will be produced about them.
- I wish i can write my own fanfiction so that i won't be so critical towards the writings of others. --> well, this isn't exactly a defect... just a wish... right?
- I wish my hands and my mind is connected so that i can draw exactly as my mind depicts.
- I wish that writers are more keen on writing stronger females rather than one that is dominated by the thought of guys or sugar rush/caffeine/shoes.
- I wish that writers aren't often trapped in the perception of heteronormativity. Rather, it would be a breath of fresh air to explore the diversity within cultural boundaries. Because i understand that certain matters are taboo and that that following the rules seem like something only goody-two-shoes people would do, but i'm in full support of it. Although some *would* argue the validity of those rules to begin with.
- I wish that my room has blinds.
- I wish my phone *and* my comp doesn't lag.
- I wish M'sia isn't so hot.
- I wish that drivers on the road would be more considerate.
- I wish that i have a cooler coloured bedsheet XD
- I wish i can eat cupcakes whenever i want (this wish x3)
- I wish i am telekinetic *snicker*
- I wish that people (including me?) aren't so angry all the time
- I wish that i'm not afraid of the dark
- I wish that i don't get hungry between meals =(
- I wish that Doraemon really do exist with his cool gadgets and stuff so that i can take advantage of him. Heck, i'd use him better than Nobita can.
- I wish that superheroes do exist. But then, the villains would too... Hmm... that's scary.
- I wish for a hp laptop -> heck, i'm making this wish come true even if it's a hundred years down the line XD
Well, my first, OTP is definitely Tezuka and Fuji. No piccies included cause i teh lazy. XD Actually, they're like my ULTIMATE OTP cause when i was suppose to write some love scene for a play we did in MMU, i thought "heck, i can't come up with a single love sentence between these characters."
So i changed the names in the script-writing process and wrote the scene as a conversation between Tezuka and Fuji. And guess what? It worked. Damn, those two are so easy to write. Be it in angst or fluff, they've just got a natural chemistry and this compatible air which i simply can't refute.
Next couple: Yamato and Taichi from Digimon.
The series is pretty old but somehow, these two kept it alive for me. Actually, i see their relationship growing brutally from friendship and crossing straight into a strongly sexual relationship. (Yayness!! Fic, if there is any!! XD) Hmm... don't ask me why. It might be cause of their characters where both are rash in their own way. I always find it weird when people made either calculative. Matt or Yamato might be repressive but i don't think he second-guesses objectives that much.
Another plot that i'm quite fond of reading is i suppose the cliched 'confession'. But honestly, as a reader, i expect the writer to take me through an intense emotional journey rather than a breeze in the park. So, the ones that i'm fond of reading build-up to the confession or has the confession in the beginning only you see the inner turmoil within the characters. Ah, the life of drama. Isn't it fascinating for us *normal* human beings?
Anyways, i guess i'm fond of this couple because... i'm biased. I like Matt. He has been mah fave chara for a long time, so in order for me to keep his memory alive, i'd have to continuously read about him. Unfortunately, the only available stories are those that require a life partner. Okay, maybe not so unfortunate... The genre 'romance' takes a lot to get used to but, once you find your niche, then the fics come pouring to yea XD.
But anyways, i find the dynamic between these two characters interesting. They differ so much from the passive relationship that i see Tezuka and Fuji going through. Both are more volatile and explosive in a sense. That's why i see the transition of their relationship as something sudden and strong.
The following is probably the only het couple that i strongly support. I have some pet ones but, for those, i'm simply fond of a character, so i'd read the stories just to get them XD
It's Fuuko and Mikagami from Flame of Recca.
Another old series but i love when the writers describe their interaction with one another; snippy, witty and quick. Quite adorable and a very lively relationship, if you ask me. I am quite fond of Fuuko's character which can range from angsty to downright cheerful but it is when one borders on the other that really colours a fic for me. Mikagami is another character that show how deeply still waters seep down the cracks.
I don't have much to comment about this couple aside from the fact that i do like them. The stories i tend to read revolving these characters are quite generic because i feel like anything extreme is out of the ordinary for them although they did go through one hell of an experience in high school. Anyways, their interaction is funny... =P
The fourth is a very odd couple for me to talk about. It's Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Now, how many would expect that from me?
Not the couple, but the fandom XD Haha!! These two definitely made J.K.Rowling's series alive for me though there are times that i ask "Harry Potter who?"
XD
The side effect of reading the supporting roles too much ^_^;; But, well, she didn't delve too deeply into them that the fics i read become Out Of Character or anything. These two, in the world of fandom have a typical relationship. Black is suppose to be a womanizer while Lupin is a bookish nerd. They hang out in the same group, with Lupin being a closet-homo and Black still the womanizer when one day, Black realizes that he loves Lupin. Cliche. I realize my life is surrounded by cliches but more often than not, the cliched stories are easier to read because you know what to expect.
Anyway, i do welcome changes in their relationship though i don't seek for them.
Another is probably Hikaru and Akira from Hikaru no Go.
I should mention that these are couples that if they're written seperated from the other, my mind immediately shuts the story out. It is quite curious how this works because, the action seems rather reflexive.
I have other pet faves like NejiGaara, or Clouffie or something but, with these guys, i'm not too bothered if they end up with other people. Except for Neji. I think i like him being a single, third party just fine unless he's written well. =P
Haha!!
I guess that's another post for major crappage~
Maybe i'll talk more about fanfic next time =D
Hehe... Byes!!
I'm gonna struggle with facebook now.
Friday, September 12, 2008
My Monthly Update
Yo'!!
I feel like this is the end of the road or something somehow...
I just have this deep melancholic feeling inside... like i'm mourning something. Only i'm not sure what.
I feel like something died.
It might just be the deep hatred in the air.
This wouldn't be the first time i'm saying this but... I hate politics.
Yeah, the county's in turmoil with all the racist people and stuff. The political situation is placing the people in jeopardy. I guess at the end of the day, those higher ups and the ruckus-makers will forget who's gonna suffer and i can be sure it ain't them.
Another problem that seem to seep into my current situation, is the elections in school. Actually, typing those words made me realise how ridiculous it is. Just like the situation in M'sian politics. Seems trivial doesn't it?
Well, let's just say the election's is tiring. More often than not because of this semi-passive hostility that just lingers in the air. You know, facing this opponent of hatred that you never knew existed? And their hatred is on the basis of a faux perception only because their perception is a mockery of an occurrence in the past. It is because they don't understand. Just like how i don't.
It's confusing sometimes how you can hate someone so easily and it's these workings of the human mind that i simply can't fathom. I understand envy, pain. But such deep hatred... it echoes within me. Almost as if i've felt it before but i'm protected somehow. Like... my mind does not wish to remember.
Suspicious huh?
Maybe that's why when terse situations like these arise, i hide. I become irrational and snappish and just simply very skittish around the edges. Because i'm scared.
Well, if we're talking about the school elections... I can't say that i'm too scared about it. I mean, i attempted for the post because... i needed to feel worthy.
I feel really unworthy at the moment. Of many things.
I guess i'm not allowed to post this because it speaks of the elections.
But anyways, back to the above statement, I took the post because i was thinking that while my sister was out representing the country, i'm at home struggling with my weight. What a big difference. What a horrible difference.
I guess i'm just very competitive. I don't want to feel useless. I'm suppose to be perfect, right?
Okay, another smaller problem that i'm thinking about might be the connections or the inner cleansing that i'm not exactly having. Weird right that i *need* this inner cleansing thing? I mean, like unloading baggage. Like the ones that you could do around your friends. Or with your friends.
I enjoy being around my friends, truly i do but... i can't exactly talk to them about things. I'd have all these weird problems bothering me, family problems, insecurities... all these funny things that just doesn't bother others too much? No, to be fair, it does bother them and that's obvious but... It's just that if i want to talk about my family problem... well, that's behind closed doors. The latest *development* is making things difficult and... well, i guess i should try to sort it out first. Afterall, it's just a silly problem.
I was thinking about the difference between here and MMU... I think in MMU was like being trapped in a cage but Monash... Monash is just being numb from morning till night. I don't really want to complain about my friends because it's silly. It's stupid. We're all human, so we all have our problems. So why do i feel the need to complain more?
I guess in a way i'm also mourning about the loss of my friends. Sharm moved overseas, Lat's moving overseas and everyone else is just busy with their lives. I guess i'm the only one who feels like a chicken in a sea of fish in my school. And i'm not even sure how to solve this. Like... get a new best friend?
Haha!! I need a place that i feel safe cause i don't feel safe in my own skin. Like, i feel so stale on the surface. I don't understand myself anymore.
It's easy to blame someone else but i shouldn't.
I have no one to talk to now... and i realize how pathetic that sounds ^_^;;;
I'll be fine. Because i always am.
I'm perfect, aren't i?
Inside. Inside people, not the prettiness and the remembering part or the other parts that i *know* you're thinking about.
This is the beginning of surviving on my own. In MMU i had Lat as my crutch. Now it's time to see how far i can go on my own. Because i can.
By the way, i found this which... i thought was necessary to remember.
I guess... i realise that i'm a real Islam advocate person thingie... who hasn't even perfected her hold on her faith... Who's currently questioning a lot but just like my problems concerning my problems have no one to turn to. I don't know who to ask because asking shows a weakness in faith. Asking means putting myself under fire beneath all those wise men who think that my kind are the darkness of the world (notice that i'm painting a very stereotypical picture of these wise men?) Asking is suppose to be wrong. But how can you live with doubt?
I hate not knowing where i stand. I hate not knowing the truth that's why i hate any lie lesser than the 'my dog ate my homework' sort of lie. Hmm... maybe that's where all my hatred went to? The hatred of lies?
I can't fathom many things about the human mind...
But anyways, here's the article.
I think it's insightful (for people like me). It shows that one-sided hatred is the lesser intelligent solution to things and generalizations are wholly wrong. It shows that no matter what, there's that other side that says that we can get along well together regardless of the situation.
I think we should stop Hitler from coming. We should not support any proposition for a second, or third, or fourth Holocaust. No more of killing each other.
No more of murdering one another just because you think you're right they're wrong. No more deaths because it makes you stronger.
If power comes from pushing another down then that power is not worth it.
When the future comes, it is we who have the power to change it and not in haste. But with a clarity of mind absent from those who believe they are of the knowing. They are those to fear but we must not once be immobilized by such fear.
P.S. I'm probably gonna post this anyway. It's past midnight and elections is suppose to be done. Propaganda or not, i don't give a damn. I'm sorry if i knocked anyone with the words.
Happiness all, and may my faith be kept intact.
Nights!!
I feel like this is the end of the road or something somehow...
I just have this deep melancholic feeling inside... like i'm mourning something. Only i'm not sure what.
I feel like something died.
It might just be the deep hatred in the air.
This wouldn't be the first time i'm saying this but... I hate politics.
Yeah, the county's in turmoil with all the racist people and stuff. The political situation is placing the people in jeopardy. I guess at the end of the day, those higher ups and the ruckus-makers will forget who's gonna suffer and i can be sure it ain't them.
Another problem that seem to seep into my current situation, is the elections in school. Actually, typing those words made me realise how ridiculous it is. Just like the situation in M'sian politics. Seems trivial doesn't it?
Well, let's just say the election's is tiring. More often than not because of this semi-passive hostility that just lingers in the air. You know, facing this opponent of hatred that you never knew existed? And their hatred is on the basis of a faux perception only because their perception is a mockery of an occurrence in the past. It is because they don't understand. Just like how i don't.
It's confusing sometimes how you can hate someone so easily and it's these workings of the human mind that i simply can't fathom. I understand envy, pain. But such deep hatred... it echoes within me. Almost as if i've felt it before but i'm protected somehow. Like... my mind does not wish to remember.
Suspicious huh?
Maybe that's why when terse situations like these arise, i hide. I become irrational and snappish and just simply very skittish around the edges. Because i'm scared.
Well, if we're talking about the school elections... I can't say that i'm too scared about it. I mean, i attempted for the post because... i needed to feel worthy.
I feel really unworthy at the moment. Of many things.
I guess i'm not allowed to post this because it speaks of the elections.
But anyways, back to the above statement, I took the post because i was thinking that while my sister was out representing the country, i'm at home struggling with my weight. What a big difference. What a horrible difference.
I guess i'm just very competitive. I don't want to feel useless. I'm suppose to be perfect, right?
Okay, another smaller problem that i'm thinking about might be the connections or the inner cleansing that i'm not exactly having. Weird right that i *need* this inner cleansing thing? I mean, like unloading baggage. Like the ones that you could do around your friends. Or with your friends.
I enjoy being around my friends, truly i do but... i can't exactly talk to them about things. I'd have all these weird problems bothering me, family problems, insecurities... all these funny things that just doesn't bother others too much? No, to be fair, it does bother them and that's obvious but... It's just that if i want to talk about my family problem... well, that's behind closed doors. The latest *development* is making things difficult and... well, i guess i should try to sort it out first. Afterall, it's just a silly problem.
I was thinking about the difference between here and MMU... I think in MMU was like being trapped in a cage but Monash... Monash is just being numb from morning till night. I don't really want to complain about my friends because it's silly. It's stupid. We're all human, so we all have our problems. So why do i feel the need to complain more?
I guess in a way i'm also mourning about the loss of my friends. Sharm moved overseas, Lat's moving overseas and everyone else is just busy with their lives. I guess i'm the only one who feels like a chicken in a sea of fish in my school. And i'm not even sure how to solve this. Like... get a new best friend?
Haha!! I need a place that i feel safe cause i don't feel safe in my own skin. Like, i feel so stale on the surface. I don't understand myself anymore.
It's easy to blame someone else but i shouldn't.
I have no one to talk to now... and i realize how pathetic that sounds ^_^;;;
I'll be fine. Because i always am.
I'm perfect, aren't i?
Inside. Inside people, not the prettiness and the remembering part or the other parts that i *know* you're thinking about.
This is the beginning of surviving on my own. In MMU i had Lat as my crutch. Now it's time to see how far i can go on my own. Because i can.
By the way, i found this which... i thought was necessary to remember.
I guess... i realise that i'm a real Islam advocate person thingie... who hasn't even perfected her hold on her faith... Who's currently questioning a lot but just like my problems concerning my problems have no one to turn to. I don't know who to ask because asking shows a weakness in faith. Asking means putting myself under fire beneath all those wise men who think that my kind are the darkness of the world (notice that i'm painting a very stereotypical picture of these wise men?) Asking is suppose to be wrong. But how can you live with doubt?
I hate not knowing where i stand. I hate not knowing the truth that's why i hate any lie lesser than the 'my dog ate my homework' sort of lie. Hmm... maybe that's where all my hatred went to? The hatred of lies?
I can't fathom many things about the human mind...
But anyways, here's the article.
I think it's insightful (for people like me). It shows that one-sided hatred is the lesser intelligent solution to things and generalizations are wholly wrong. It shows that no matter what, there's that other side that says that we can get along well together regardless of the situation.
I think we should stop Hitler from coming. We should not support any proposition for a second, or third, or fourth Holocaust. No more of killing each other.
No more of murdering one another just because you think you're right they're wrong. No more deaths because it makes you stronger.
If power comes from pushing another down then that power is not worth it.
When the future comes, it is we who have the power to change it and not in haste. But with a clarity of mind absent from those who believe they are of the knowing. They are those to fear but we must not once be immobilized by such fear.
P.S. I'm probably gonna post this anyway. It's past midnight and elections is suppose to be done. Propaganda or not, i don't give a damn. I'm sorry if i knocked anyone with the words.
Happiness all, and may my faith be kept intact.
Nights!!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
With one glance? (Last Friday's post)
Yo~
So, August update. Right. I realize once a month i need to rant out. Wish i could say that it's the PMS thing but, hey, considering my bodily defects, i'm not too sure =P
Okay, problem of this month or this moment?
E X P E C T A T I O Ns.
Maybe not the A kind you know. The kind that says reach for the stars and you'll land among the space dust or something like that. Nah.
I'm thinking on the two levels there are to the word or at least, for me it applies within social relations (Hmm... this might sound like it belongs to my academic blog).
Well, considering this is the unassuming 'He Chronicles' i suppose whoever said the story was to end when you don't see a person for a period of time really.... well, the fellows got it pretty much right. It's just the 'pretty much' part that spoils everything. Whoever said it probably had one hell of a social life after they each went their seperate ways or something.
Well, my life didn't change. Yeah, think of me as the sappy kid who doesn't seem to move on or something. Damn, i hate being the wuss. Pah, leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
Anyways, yes, let's get this agony over with. Me went to band concert on sat, me enjoy band concert, me went home. Then..... EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!
Okay, now, yes, yes i hear the whys and the WTF(?!!!!)s
First, the right question would be who's there at the darn concert. Yeah, he was there. Nice to see him. Strapping young chap that he was. I think he's been working out again and i was right for that part at least cause i saw him again on monday.
Had to finish some stuff with MMU so yea, trodded along and hung out with the Babu and Misa-chan. It was so cool seeing them again!! When they left for their classes, i was left in the care of Ezza who of course suggested we crash the Cyberia apartment to see who was home.
The dude who answered the door was someone that i didn't know and yea, maybe i should have made friends or something but, he wasn't looking too thrilled to be away from his computer (<-liar!! i just wasn't up to making any friends at the mo) then Adie came and joined us.
Yeah, we all talked about a bunch of stuff. Wait, let me make an announcement. OMG!!!!!! ADIE OWNS A DYNAMES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!
And on top of that, he has a small model of ALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, alin squeaked uncontrollably upon seeing said objects then quickly regains composure and previous sense of dignity. It never does anyone good to hyperventilate in the middle of the room anyways.
Alright, on with the story. I guess my discomfort for this whole week might come from certain points that was made when we were talking like how i likened techno to the sound of Incubus and stuff.
I guess i hate to be corrected whatmore when i believe i am right thus the question hung in my head for sometime. Another was an observation that i made post-Cyber trip: I relent quite easily when Adie rebukes me. I suppose i hold him to a high enough pedestal that an argument cannot be formulated on my side because, even though my mind screams at me that "No, i really don't believe your point!!" I would brush the whole argument aside without stressing my points thoroughly. I respect him too much to doubt his answer fully resulting in a half-baked answer on my part, something that given the appropriate person would NOT happen.
Yes, the woe of the non-argumentative child. I should doubt things more. It actually helps with my studies. But i believe in the "forgive and forget" road which is completely unsuitable for academic purposes. And, relenting to Adie... well, i hate preferring one person over the next unless they come with a specific title. Just because he's someone i respect, it should not make me gullible to every word he says.
I guess, this is where the double layering comes in because, it's the same with stuff i read, stuff i'm studying about and stuff that i'm thought. It's easier to *believe*. So much more easier than attempting to make sense of an argument that consists nothing of sense to begin with.
But i'm going to have to do that right? I have half a mind to call that kid and ask him for a verbal rematch. Just to prove that i *can* trounce him without scaring him off into a corner.
But yea, maybe it's because of a certain element which i will remain in denial of, there is an expectation from me to not execute the verbal match. Afterall, what if you don't really want to win?
That's bad. I should be able to keep my head on regardless of the situation. But hell, that isn't working.
Something else that changed since the Concert on Sat was recognition. I guess being the ONLY loud girl, standing in the rain with a tall boy by her side (aka my bro) distinguishes me from the next and, under the scrutiny of these people, i sink to the side. Perasan much?
I hope so.
It isn't an admiration sort of scrutiny mind you. It's more of a curious look and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, i find it amusing when i have an armor of friends around me but an update for yea, i don't usually have friends around me. I'm a moving island and as much as it's nice to be anchored, i think i treasure the travelling breeze.
But anyways, back to the second problem, i don't really know what to do with that. It makes me feel a little bit out of sorts like... i don't know what they're expecting from me. Like, want me to go up to you and say hi?
I believe the extent of our relationship is before the stage. I don't expect any acknowledgement after simply because it should not be within you to acknowledge me. Stick to the status quo damn it and make my life a simpler place.
Yeah, it's cool when you're noticed and stuff but only if you know that they're leering at you or jeering at you or something. I don't do too well with middle-grey relationships (note: see 2007 posts) because i am complacent in a world of black and white.
I guess you can say that by giving a grey relationship, there's an unspoken expectation and, i guess the possibilities just drives me crazy. Yeah, i think too much but... i hate doubting stuff like the way i look or having to be completely conscious of the way i walk. I hate thinking of the material things though circumstances drive me to do so as well as my own imagination a guilty accomplice.
When it comes down to it, that must be the reason why i feel like crap the whole week because, as much as i head to the gym, and eat carefully (yes, i calorie count, i count my carbs, or at least i estimate) my weight doesn't seem to be too keen on going down. EVERYTHING i eat ends up placing me 1kg higher than where i was before and as a result, i become a yo-yo going easily from 72-75 in a day.
And it's depressing because, yes, as much as my trainer tries to comfort me by saying that i lost 3kgs, my weight isn't exactly improving. So i wonder is it because my diet? Should i eat lesser?
The day usually unfolds with moments of depression falling in between because i regret *everything* that i put in my mouth. I won't feel it when i'm eating like today when Gaya convinced for me to buy the salad *and* the pasta. I fell for my own greedy traps and just caved without arguing.
Thank God the voice of my stomach is louder than my will. When it said it was full, hell, it was full.
But, it still doesn't stop me from coming back home and immediately stepping on the scale. Then stare as the number blurs as cogs turn to tell me the result of my 'pampering'. I always pamper myself.
I guess it's easy to see that having an unhealthy diet before is killing me now. I suppose when i stop, i would usually stop cold turkey otherwise it breaks my resolve. When i say "No sugar" it should be a permanent attachment in my daily meals to avoid as much straight sugars as possible but today was a moment of gradually building weakness. Gaya said take the two muffins and i did. I failed when i really should have struggled more.
It's just like gym class when i give up before i knew that i was approaching my limit. People break themselves to be better. I just coast and say that that's trying my best. No such shit man.
I should try harder.
I know i can't eat lesser because... the torture that it's doing to me now is on the brink of unbearable but... i can run everyday or something. Take a walk each evening.
Or maybe i should just eat lesser. Have only one meal a day or something.
You get nothing by not suffering right?
Haha!! Says the girl who's going for a banquet tomorrow!
I'll see how the days go by. I just want to lost the weight because... it'll just make me feel better.
It'll make me feel like what i worked for, at least came to fruition.
P.S. Okay, while typing this, i should really be making bill's bday prezzie. But God knows i've got so much angry chi inside of me that it ain't makin no love bearing gifts anytime soon. >.<
So, August update. Right. I realize once a month i need to rant out. Wish i could say that it's the PMS thing but, hey, considering my bodily defects, i'm not too sure =P
Okay, problem of this month or this moment?
E X P E C T A T I O Ns.
Maybe not the A kind you know. The kind that says reach for the stars and you'll land among the space dust or something like that. Nah.
I'm thinking on the two levels there are to the word or at least, for me it applies within social relations (Hmm... this might sound like it belongs to my academic blog).
Well, considering this is the unassuming 'He Chronicles' i suppose whoever said the story was to end when you don't see a person for a period of time really.... well, the fellows got it pretty much right. It's just the 'pretty much' part that spoils everything. Whoever said it probably had one hell of a social life after they each went their seperate ways or something.
Well, my life didn't change. Yeah, think of me as the sappy kid who doesn't seem to move on or something. Damn, i hate being the wuss. Pah, leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
Anyways, yes, let's get this agony over with. Me went to band concert on sat, me enjoy band concert, me went home. Then..... EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!
Okay, now, yes, yes i hear the whys and the WTF(?!!!!)s
First, the right question would be who's there at the darn concert. Yeah, he was there. Nice to see him. Strapping young chap that he was. I think he's been working out again and i was right for that part at least cause i saw him again on monday.
Had to finish some stuff with MMU so yea, trodded along and hung out with the Babu and Misa-chan. It was so cool seeing them again!! When they left for their classes, i was left in the care of Ezza who of course suggested we crash the Cyberia apartment to see who was home.
The dude who answered the door was someone that i didn't know and yea, maybe i should have made friends or something but, he wasn't looking too thrilled to be away from his computer (<-liar!! i just wasn't up to making any friends at the mo) then Adie came and joined us.
Yeah, we all talked about a bunch of stuff. Wait, let me make an announcement. OMG!!!!!! ADIE OWNS A DYNAMES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!
And on top of that, he has a small model of ALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, alin squeaked uncontrollably upon seeing said objects then quickly regains composure and previous sense of dignity. It never does anyone good to hyperventilate in the middle of the room anyways.
Alright, on with the story. I guess my discomfort for this whole week might come from certain points that was made when we were talking like how i likened techno to the sound of Incubus and stuff.
I guess i hate to be corrected whatmore when i believe i am right thus the question hung in my head for sometime. Another was an observation that i made post-Cyber trip: I relent quite easily when Adie rebukes me. I suppose i hold him to a high enough pedestal that an argument cannot be formulated on my side because, even though my mind screams at me that "No, i really don't believe your point!!" I would brush the whole argument aside without stressing my points thoroughly. I respect him too much to doubt his answer fully resulting in a half-baked answer on my part, something that given the appropriate person would NOT happen.
Yes, the woe of the non-argumentative child. I should doubt things more. It actually helps with my studies. But i believe in the "forgive and forget" road which is completely unsuitable for academic purposes. And, relenting to Adie... well, i hate preferring one person over the next unless they come with a specific title. Just because he's someone i respect, it should not make me gullible to every word he says.
I guess, this is where the double layering comes in because, it's the same with stuff i read, stuff i'm studying about and stuff that i'm thought. It's easier to *believe*. So much more easier than attempting to make sense of an argument that consists nothing of sense to begin with.
But i'm going to have to do that right? I have half a mind to call that kid and ask him for a verbal rematch. Just to prove that i *can* trounce him without scaring him off into a corner.
But yea, maybe it's because of a certain element which i will remain in denial of, there is an expectation from me to not execute the verbal match. Afterall, what if you don't really want to win?
That's bad. I should be able to keep my head on regardless of the situation. But hell, that isn't working.
Something else that changed since the Concert on Sat was recognition. I guess being the ONLY loud girl, standing in the rain with a tall boy by her side (aka my bro) distinguishes me from the next and, under the scrutiny of these people, i sink to the side. Perasan much?
I hope so.
It isn't an admiration sort of scrutiny mind you. It's more of a curious look and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, i find it amusing when i have an armor of friends around me but an update for yea, i don't usually have friends around me. I'm a moving island and as much as it's nice to be anchored, i think i treasure the travelling breeze.
But anyways, back to the second problem, i don't really know what to do with that. It makes me feel a little bit out of sorts like... i don't know what they're expecting from me. Like, want me to go up to you and say hi?
I believe the extent of our relationship is before the stage. I don't expect any acknowledgement after simply because it should not be within you to acknowledge me. Stick to the status quo damn it and make my life a simpler place.
Yeah, it's cool when you're noticed and stuff but only if you know that they're leering at you or jeering at you or something. I don't do too well with middle-grey relationships (note: see 2007 posts) because i am complacent in a world of black and white.
I guess you can say that by giving a grey relationship, there's an unspoken expectation and, i guess the possibilities just drives me crazy. Yeah, i think too much but... i hate doubting stuff like the way i look or having to be completely conscious of the way i walk. I hate thinking of the material things though circumstances drive me to do so as well as my own imagination a guilty accomplice.
When it comes down to it, that must be the reason why i feel like crap the whole week because, as much as i head to the gym, and eat carefully (yes, i calorie count, i count my carbs, or at least i estimate) my weight doesn't seem to be too keen on going down. EVERYTHING i eat ends up placing me 1kg higher than where i was before and as a result, i become a yo-yo going easily from 72-75 in a day.
And it's depressing because, yes, as much as my trainer tries to comfort me by saying that i lost 3kgs, my weight isn't exactly improving. So i wonder is it because my diet? Should i eat lesser?
The day usually unfolds with moments of depression falling in between because i regret *everything* that i put in my mouth. I won't feel it when i'm eating like today when Gaya convinced for me to buy the salad *and* the pasta. I fell for my own greedy traps and just caved without arguing.
Thank God the voice of my stomach is louder than my will. When it said it was full, hell, it was full.
But, it still doesn't stop me from coming back home and immediately stepping on the scale. Then stare as the number blurs as cogs turn to tell me the result of my 'pampering'. I always pamper myself.
I guess it's easy to see that having an unhealthy diet before is killing me now. I suppose when i stop, i would usually stop cold turkey otherwise it breaks my resolve. When i say "No sugar" it should be a permanent attachment in my daily meals to avoid as much straight sugars as possible but today was a moment of gradually building weakness. Gaya said take the two muffins and i did. I failed when i really should have struggled more.
It's just like gym class when i give up before i knew that i was approaching my limit. People break themselves to be better. I just coast and say that that's trying my best. No such shit man.
I should try harder.
I know i can't eat lesser because... the torture that it's doing to me now is on the brink of unbearable but... i can run everyday or something. Take a walk each evening.
Or maybe i should just eat lesser. Have only one meal a day or something.
You get nothing by not suffering right?
Haha!! Says the girl who's going for a banquet tomorrow!
I'll see how the days go by. I just want to lost the weight because... it'll just make me feel better.
It'll make me feel like what i worked for, at least came to fruition.
P.S. Okay, while typing this, i should really be making bill's bday prezzie. But God knows i've got so much angry chi inside of me that it ain't makin no love bearing gifts anytime soon. >.<
Friday, July 11, 2008
Life's lesson in a count to ten
Yo~
My first post for this month (not that i'm keeping track, mind you XD) I just thought i'd chip in a little. Yea. A little ^_^
Actually, this is gonna be a bit on the retrospective bit so, perhaps patience is not what i would ask for the moment as, there is nothing that be akin in need of such. =P
I wish to speak of lessons. Of things that i have learned in this age. I believe on my 20th birthday, i told my friends that with this age came a sudden awareness. An unfortunate awareness that, truth be told neither castrates nor does it veils the senses.
Brag, i pray be nothing of my words but there has always been a certain description for my perception of the world. It is no different, i am sure from yours only, well, with me it has always been an experiment to prod my senses and flex my emotional muscles thus, the way i see the world is duly noted by thyself thus, again i seek forgiveness for speaking like a pompous, self-indulging figure.
Anyway, in the years before, my sight had always been outward. Almost as if casting a net from the very eyes that i see and my mind spans to weave in between the clear lines of its fine mesh of the eyes.
I could understand, yes. And beyond understanding, i could see, comprehend, analyze. I saw the invisible threads that lay beneath the common lie and with this was a coat of pride and dignity that never fell from my being. Others mattered, yes for the heart does not seek protection. But it was from the point of view of one who stood amidst the crowd but was simultaneously observing those around. This was perhaps, the most obvious during my days in MMU.
But, my eyes have changed. I did not trade it away, for i know casting it is... not too possible, i'm quite sure ^_^;;;
Rather from an outward span of the sight, it seemed it has changed into one where my eyes see in a spherical motion. And what is the greatness of the circle? It has a center. It has a radius and a diameter though it seems, even with mathematical equations the radius matters much more than the diameter. Thus, everything is calculated with the proximity of distance in relation to the center and everything is regarded as such.
That is perhaps the greatest change that i have ever experienced in the past 20 years of my life.
I remembered in my teenage years when my eyes are clouded by a haze of black. But that did nothing to shorten my sight. The souls of others were still open for my interpretation. Now, it seems that the radius from my centre is rather fixed. To see beyond the flesh of a bethren is much too far.
I admit, i am disappointed although to see darkness is also to admit the existence of light.
This is the first that i have felt beyond the armor i place upon my being. For once, happiness (or something akin of) can truly be felt and despair, though a hundred times more potent, has never felt so real.
It is for this i am in no form of battling to redeem my earlier sight and often i wonder, is this worth it?
But as soon as the thought arises, it would be forgotten. I have chosen to forget many things, these days. Chosen, mind you. I do not forget easily. Except for birthdays. But if you believe memory to be the will of the mind, then yes, i have chosen to forget birthdays as well.
I do not know if within the future, i will retain these eyes. Or perhaps it would return to the distant coolness that understands or maybe (God forbid) it would become nothing but a mere appendage to my existence. Something there because it was meant to be there.
The foolishness of eyes that see but cannot see.
It has always been temptation to chronicle the lessons i learn in life. Because, numerous as they were, i worry i forget them because... i do not wish to remember? No, it is more of because i want myself to know that i've gone through these and i have acknowledged them. They are at once a reminder as well as a consolation.
It is also to note the changes that had taken place. I was not like this before, please understand.
There are many reasons for this list. Some of the very best intentions. Some even less so. It isn't something to mark the end. It is merely a passage.
Thus i shall begin.
My first post for this month (not that i'm keeping track, mind you XD) I just thought i'd chip in a little. Yea. A little ^_^
Actually, this is gonna be a bit on the retrospective bit so, perhaps patience is not what i would ask for the moment as, there is nothing that be akin in need of such. =P
I wish to speak of lessons. Of things that i have learned in this age. I believe on my 20th birthday, i told my friends that with this age came a sudden awareness. An unfortunate awareness that, truth be told neither castrates nor does it veils the senses.
Brag, i pray be nothing of my words but there has always been a certain description for my perception of the world. It is no different, i am sure from yours only, well, with me it has always been an experiment to prod my senses and flex my emotional muscles thus, the way i see the world is duly noted by thyself thus, again i seek forgiveness for speaking like a pompous, self-indulging figure.
Anyway, in the years before, my sight had always been outward. Almost as if casting a net from the very eyes that i see and my mind spans to weave in between the clear lines of its fine mesh of the eyes.
I could understand, yes. And beyond understanding, i could see, comprehend, analyze. I saw the invisible threads that lay beneath the common lie and with this was a coat of pride and dignity that never fell from my being. Others mattered, yes for the heart does not seek protection. But it was from the point of view of one who stood amidst the crowd but was simultaneously observing those around. This was perhaps, the most obvious during my days in MMU.
But, my eyes have changed. I did not trade it away, for i know casting it is... not too possible, i'm quite sure ^_^;;;
Rather from an outward span of the sight, it seemed it has changed into one where my eyes see in a spherical motion. And what is the greatness of the circle? It has a center. It has a radius and a diameter though it seems, even with mathematical equations the radius matters much more than the diameter. Thus, everything is calculated with the proximity of distance in relation to the center and everything is regarded as such.
That is perhaps the greatest change that i have ever experienced in the past 20 years of my life.
I remembered in my teenage years when my eyes are clouded by a haze of black. But that did nothing to shorten my sight. The souls of others were still open for my interpretation. Now, it seems that the radius from my centre is rather fixed. To see beyond the flesh of a bethren is much too far.
I admit, i am disappointed although to see darkness is also to admit the existence of light.
This is the first that i have felt beyond the armor i place upon my being. For once, happiness (or something akin of) can truly be felt and despair, though a hundred times more potent, has never felt so real.
It is for this i am in no form of battling to redeem my earlier sight and often i wonder, is this worth it?
But as soon as the thought arises, it would be forgotten. I have chosen to forget many things, these days. Chosen, mind you. I do not forget easily. Except for birthdays. But if you believe memory to be the will of the mind, then yes, i have chosen to forget birthdays as well.
I do not know if within the future, i will retain these eyes. Or perhaps it would return to the distant coolness that understands or maybe (God forbid) it would become nothing but a mere appendage to my existence. Something there because it was meant to be there.
The foolishness of eyes that see but cannot see.
It has always been temptation to chronicle the lessons i learn in life. Because, numerous as they were, i worry i forget them because... i do not wish to remember? No, it is more of because i want myself to know that i've gone through these and i have acknowledged them. They are at once a reminder as well as a consolation.
It is also to note the changes that had taken place. I was not like this before, please understand.
There are many reasons for this list. Some of the very best intentions. Some even less so. It isn't something to mark the end. It is merely a passage.
Thus i shall begin.
- I am not perfect.
- I am afraid of being hurt.
- I am easily hurt.
- I am self-centered.
- Friendship + my friends mean a lot to me.
- My friends are the greatest.
- I *heartses* ALL my friends.
- I am weaker than i thought.
- I shield my understanding of many things.
- I am short-tempered.
- I hate to be hated or misunderstood.
- Pain hurts.
- I reply pain with anger.
- I answer anger with self-indignation.
- I hold grudges.
- I like to study. A lot. To the level of nerd-dom.
- I hate being talked down to.
- I hate being snuffed.
- I hate road bullies <-- semi-random.
- My world is seperated between the believe and the make-believe.
- My imagination is limited.
- I am not a full masochist or a sadist.
- There is no drama in my life.
- My hatred is strong.
- I propagate my hatred.
- I lose control quite easily.
- I am irrational.
- If it is a subject that doesn't concern me, it is a matter of no importance.
- Right and wrong comes to me in retrospect.
- I care not for the feelings of others.
- Friendships are tools that should be used wisely.
- I love to read.
- I have not much angst anymore.
- I am guilty for everything that i've done.
- I remember everything that i have done. Especially when someone is wronged.
- I can lie.
- I am vain.
- I am desperate to be acknowledged.
- I am lazy.
- I feel the need to be well-prepared.
- I cry easily.
- I have little patience and tolerence.
- I hate kids.
- I am envious of people smarter than me.
- I am envious of people kinder than me.
- I am envious of people happier than me.
- I appreciate material objects.
- I still believe in the possibility of happiness.
- Art keeps my hands busy.
- I don't hate myself.
- I want to live.
I think that there's more actually. But, i can't seem to recall all. Maybe i'll update the list with new lessons. Or maybe i'll just post a new list. Cause i don't really want to rectify the mistakes i made in this.
The list above should be accompanied by an explanation. So that each can be taken for what they really mean. But, i thought... why not place it there in black and white. See it from the darkest point of view and not be afraid of the dark.
In other words, accept the possible negativity that would come with the perception of those who view it. I wrote it with the best of my intentions, knowing an explanation will tip the favor in my direction.
Just, try to be strong and face the consequences.
Don't be afraid, ne?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Lament for the Dead Man
WARNING: Spoilers for First Season of Gundam 00. Thread at your own risk.
Gundam 00 fulfilled those two aspects well enough.
Heh.
Anyway, war, fighting, death = not good thing?
You know, i was trying to figure out why the death of a character in Gundam 00 strike me so strongly that this is my third, quickly heading for my fourth day in mourning (if mourning means that twist in the heart everytime i see something green or suddenly having the urge to whisper 'dynames' or some nonsensical action such as that). Frankly, there is nothing special that i can speak of the characters unless what i wish to mourn is the pretty face he wore.
But knowing me, and i do know myself quite well, i wouldn't be upset like my cat just kicked the bucket or something for some pretty, charming guy person thingie who doesn't even exist (just for argument's sake, Seta-sama didn't die and neither did Neji. But i don't like them for their pretty faces onii. Hah!! XD).
That's the weirdest part.
So, i'm going to tear this apart because seriously, not knowing why this touched my heart is KILLING!!!! me.
Yes. I'm a maniac. Moving on.
There is something weird about Gundam 00. Something that, heck, i probably read too many reviews so i can't keep a completely objective view of it without hearing the echoes from the words of others.
Well, the story escalated pretty much into what i expected it to in the sense that it is typically *gundam* to have two sides, the gundams, the Opposites and then, as the story progresses, for the Opposing side to be swallowed by a third Power who will most likely battle against the gundams in the end.
The gundams themselves were, after a period of supposed stability would disappear only to reappear for a battle with the third Power.
Alright. Phase One, complete.
Gundam 00 fulfilled those two aspects well enough. In the beginning, the world was ravaged by war. A point that is made by almost each review is the fact that the director chose to place it in A.D. rather than the fictional U.C. as the basis of the timeline. Thus the battles between the Tamils and the Muslims were inside along with various other settings that is very familiar to the current terrorism-threatened world.
The power within the world stood with three blocs as it is also in this world that petroleum was depleted. They depend on a solar energy that is manipulated by the three powers. The Union covers from U.S.A to Australia (which i thought was slightly weird cause i always thought Australia was allies with Britain) then you have The Advanced Europian Union (Well, they can't call it Europian Union can they?) and then, you have the last bloc which is the human Reform League stretching from Russia, China, India to... get this, Southeast Asia!! Man, M'sia is in there as well, all red and stuff. The rest of the world which consists of Japan, Sulawesi, Africa and the Arabic countries are neutral.
Heh.
Now, we shall stress that this is fiction. Honestly, if Petroleum was to be nonexistent i don't think the powers would be divided into three. At most i *believe* it would be two (and the neutrals) but, heck, i shan't speak of politics at the moment. I can play games of what ifs later.
Okay, three powers and 24th Century and all but still mankind has yet to learn their lesson!! They keep on fighting wars and stuff and after building this elevator thingie that reached into outer space, humanity was finally ready to colonize. Or are they?
Back to the reference with the Tamils and the Muslims, other terrorist attacks were made, war in the Middle East seemed to get worst with fights stretching into vast areas, involving civilians and the body count just kept increasing (ahem. a little note here of something i thought was weird as well, cause when i think Ireland, i think IRA not Kurdish rebels @_@ but heck, artist's creative license and it *is* the 24th Century).
Anyway, war, fighting, death = not good thing? Well, the fighting made a soldier of a little boy, caused a boy to lose his mother and sister, produced an enhanced child and God knows what Tieria is but i reckon he has something with the war (either to watch it, to meddle with it or simply following instuctions, it still baffles me slightly) what came out were three torn individuals (Still dunno what Tieria is) and i suppose that made them join the Celestial Beings.
Okay, origins of Celestial Beings? They were founded by a brilliant scientist and seem to have existed a few generations before our current boys were employed as Gundam Meisters. They are dedicated for change to occur. Any sort of change that would bring lesser war because though man became tired of fighting, there is something intoxicating about the scent of the battlefield thus they pick their guns up and fight once again.
The director came up with the idea of "Beating war by force". Meaning using Gundams to eradicate wars.
Okay, shameless plugging for a mo, but, this idea was first encountered by moi in Growlanser V (an excellent!! game!) when a cannon was held to the heads of two nations for them to stop fighting. It was pretty much the same with Gundam 00.
The Celestial Beings gave the governments an ultimatum: Stop War or we Will Stop it For You. Well, it is a basic lesson that by fighting fire with fire, someone is going to get burnt.
By forcing an ultimatum on the government would cause for the government to react like a cornered dog would. They lash out attempting to scar the one responsible for placing them in the situation to begin with. It isn't a pretty sight.
Relating it to here in M'sia, it's a lot like the Bersih rally and the weeks that followed. The uneasy truce, the increase in riots (because others saw results coming from the Bersih rally) and finally the government putting their hands down on the whole thing and they said, "Don't give them an ultimatum".
It's bad when you can't coerce a person into doing what you want them to but forcing them to do it will only spark resentment. Anyway, as expected, animosity peaked against the Celestial Being. They hungered change and sure enough, after attacks here and there, the rate of war induced crimes dropped 38% (if i'm not wrong).
They balanced between being called terrorists and saints. But a problem was that they attempted to appeal to public opinion. Their strategist, Sumeragi thought it was important that the public favored Celestial Beings. I can't help thinking that this is in the basis of the old form or rather the *ideal* form of power where it is the people who have the right to decide.
But, the pilots were, in a way, only human. As they fought, they struggled to find an answer to why the world was so extremely war-torn. They battled against themselves, asking themselves questions of the whys and often, they wondered what it was they were fighting for. Or fighting against because with each step forward, mankind finds a way to revert it and take a step back.
With every resolved fight in the north is another battle that emerged in the south and vice versa.
It was complicated and the pilots and the strategist made the biggest mistake of all: they began to doubt themselves. They won, yes but at what cost?
In the series, it was mentioned that the downfall of the Meisters and the strategist was that they were too human. They erred and mistakes were committed. They might be rash, too quick, too unstable, too emotional to carry the burden of humanity on their shoulders.
The world did not change, and in a final plea for a catalyst, three gundams were dispatched. They were to cause change OR ELSE. They destroyed military facilities, buildings, people and civillians for an ideal that a world with no war is finally at peace. It was the nirvana of peace that they seek but, alas, we know all is not to be.
The first Meisters were too soft. The second were too harsh.
A leak caused the military to build their own "gundam" suits with its usage of special GN(?) particles thus the clash of suits came.
Everything began to fall downhill from there for the Meisters as they attempted to grasp the last they could of hope. But 19:4 are unimaginable odds. The world, against a small faction, even if they had threatened them in the beginning was too much.
Can you guess what happened next?
They had stated one their purposes, which was to unite the world against a common enemy then to either die or whither away as little option would be given to them.
But they didn't sit around and wait to be slaughtered. They fought for their lives. Really, they didn't behave like soldiers. They were like civilians. People who fought with their hearts. Every bit a terrorist in the terrorist handbook.
I should talk about the boys now huh? Cause the story *is* centered around them.
First, you have the kid/runt. Well, that's Setsuna or his real name is something else. He's Kurdish, living in Japan. He was a child pulled into the games of war. They said "Sacrifice youself for God." thus they used religion against the boy, pressing into his beliefs until he took the gun and shot those whom he knew and loved then made his way into an army. Well, needless to say, i think they made an atheist out of him =P
One of his saviors on the battlefield was a Gundam. A comment made by another character concerning Setsuna's fighting style was that he believed himself to be invincible. It seemed like he worshipped the physical capabilities and protection given by Gundam Exia.
You know, something weird was that he fought so hard "for" God in his childhood years that God never answered on the battlefield. The war never went away though they tried so hard to fall in God's graces by battling with His name as their war cry. But it didn't work. He asked often, "Is there a God?" and in return said just as many times, "There is no God."
He one who fights with his heart. If at any moment he felt strongly for something, he just does it. Kudos to Setsuna!! =D
Next, is my personal favourite, Allelujah Haptism. Of all of them (aside from Tieria) his is the history that has barely any ties with the current world and its workings. His is the issue of child experimentation. The experiment caused his personality to split resulting in the violent half (Hallelujah) to counter the almost demure and soft spoken Allelujah.
He spoke to no one of his problems, often seperating himself from the others. I don't know why i favor him either, only that he falls into the anime cliche of the character that i like. Except that he tends to be a dunce on the battlefield (What kind of soldier doesn't know how to fight God damn it!!!!) but that's cause he doesn't use his full powers and stuff.
He's a character who's very much wrapped up in his past. Hal cared very much for Al though they share the same body or so the rumour mill seems to spin but, from what i saw, i'd say that it's relatively true. Because Al always speaks in a tone that seem to beg Hal's compulsion to kill sadistically rather than saying it with anger. Obviously there is no hatred on either side.
He was asking the reason why he fights as well, though his doesn't go deeply like Setsuna's. Neither did Tieria's for that matter.
Well, for the moment, Tieria is my least favourite character though not because he's a stick in the mud. Rather i respected him when others broke rules by being enflamed by passion but he stuck his ground by saying that they are not fit to be Meisters. Because, a soldier who doesn't follow orders is a liability on the battlefield.
He changed his tune soon enough. He's suppose to be inhuman or summat but he began to understand his comrades better.
But then, he did one thing that i could not forgive. There was a battle where it was 19:4. When the people were doubting themselves, doubting their sources of information and trust was incomplete save to each other. The gundams were linked to a system known as Veda but, the trust for that system had deteriorated. Save Tieria's. Due to his dependence on Veda because of his inhumanity, when their systems were to be seperated and running independently to continue the fight (Cause the Veda system also controls their power sources. No Veda system, no battery for the energizer bunny).
But he couldn't sever himself from Veda. He failed to react at that moment, being a large immobile target in the middle of the battlefield and he had nothing to protect himself. He just spaced out inside the cockpit. And when the enemy approached, it was Lockon who took the burnt of the hit. Lockon sacrificed himself for his comrade who was so stupid that he doesn't realize that he's in battle!!!!
I realize that i'm being a little unfair because Allelujah had fainted before and damn i feel like slapping him too cause he's such a softie who couldn't do what it takes to bring down the opponent but thank God Hal comes on time and massacres the opponent (at times).
Okay, i really hate it when soldiers don't understand their function on the battlefield. That's my thoughts when i play my games anyway. Don't you hate it when the characters you control don't listen to you? Well, the problem on the battlefield is, you don't know what will happen if you break rank and attempt to rally on your own.
So yea, i don't mind even if he mates with Lockon for the Lockon x Tieria pairing thingie (though i suspect this is an underlying reason why i hate him XD) but it was that one act of weakness in the battlefield, that caused him to be marked lower in my book. Although, a question did just surface just now... maybe it's because i expect him to move at all cost, to react at all cost, to be able to fight at all cost that when he couldn't... my respect for him dwindled. It's the same with real life isn't it?
And the last but not least, Lockon. He reminds me a little of Krious from Growlanser V. You know, he's the thread in the Meisters. I won't exactly say in Celestial Beings cause, those who work in the operating room seem closer to Allelujah than Lockon but, he's like the brother that's always there.
He seems to be at peace with the world, willing to listen and his empathy was so thorough that he understood those around him so easily. He was my favourite to watch on the battlefield (because Allelujah's an ass on the battlefield) in the way that he just supports the other Gundam Meisters so easily. He could complete his mission and still aid those who needed him. In terms of being a soldier, he was the best of them all.
Gundam Dynames is GORGEOUS!!! And nothing short of that. He's a sharpshooter and he's quick on the trigger as well. OMG!!
Ah, i think now i know why i mourn over his death.
It is the death of an amazing soldier. Of a kind-hearted man who saw so easily through his peers. He was an excellent subordinate that he would request for orders even in moments that he probably wished to follow his heart. He wasn't like the other pilots who would rush off recklessly on their own.
He was reckless, yes, but only in the last moment. In the very last moment did he follow his heart.
And somehow, i found him a more amazing man for doing so than any other character.
I think i enjoy Allelujah because he was a gentle soul but i like Lockon for his capabilities.
He was an amazing soldier till the end though.
Okay, anyone alive?
Heh... heh....
XP
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Random
Yo. Well, this is surprise isn't it? And after i just had an entry a few days ago too... But anyways, i came here today for a simple question...
I wonder is it right that i feel guilty of my own existence...
Sometimes, i look at the world and i see other people in worst situations than me and i think, why me, not them? Or what did i do to deserve this comfortable physical state...
I mean, i know so many people who are nicer, friendlier, much more generous souls than i am and they'd be in the weirdest predicament ever. Mostly not of their own doing. It was because of others. And i'm here, in this nice house, with my lovely cats and getting birthday presents just because i'm fucking born. Isn't there something wrong with the picture?
Shouldn't i not be here because i don't *deserve* to be here?
I hate myself so much, i can die.
But i hate myself more because i cherish these comforts that i'm given and i do nothing for the unfortunate save making their lives worst.
I shouldn't be comfortable right? Because it isn't my place to be? Because it's unfair to others if i am... because, in truth, i'm a darker, more evil creature than they are...
It's just wrong.
I wonder is it right that i feel guilty of my own existence...
Sometimes, i look at the world and i see other people in worst situations than me and i think, why me, not them? Or what did i do to deserve this comfortable physical state...
I mean, i know so many people who are nicer, friendlier, much more generous souls than i am and they'd be in the weirdest predicament ever. Mostly not of their own doing. It was because of others. And i'm here, in this nice house, with my lovely cats and getting birthday presents just because i'm fucking born. Isn't there something wrong with the picture?
Shouldn't i not be here because i don't *deserve* to be here?
I hate myself so much, i can die.
But i hate myself more because i cherish these comforts that i'm given and i do nothing for the unfortunate save making their lives worst.
I shouldn't be comfortable right? Because it isn't my place to be? Because it's unfair to others if i am... because, in truth, i'm a darker, more evil creature than they are...
It's just wrong.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Story for the moment
Yo'
I just changed the look a little. I realise that i'm seriously colour-blind... Or at least, the mix of garish colours (unless it is completely apalling) doesn't faze me much. Thus my current room has green walls, wooden furniture, red bedsheets, a sofa that is *completely* out of place and random blue objects strewn throughout. Weird sense of colour? Well, at least i don't wear overgrown (probably carnivorous too) purple flowers on my shirts.
I should tell chibi that i'm so sorry for not doing the piccies and our 'celebration' of Yama Pi's bday. Hahahahahahaha!! That was a bag of laughs. Nothing like a day out with your mates to cool you off. XD Hehe!! (And i promise that i'll upload the pics with a full account. No worries i remembered my thoughts throughout. So i shall giveth the story another day =P)
I should say that this isn't a good month for me. First it starts with me losing my external hard drive. Then it all went spiralling down from there =(
I'm heart broken if you can't tell. I found out that i mailed some of the stories to Ah Bune (Yayness!!) so, the blow isn't too crippling after that. But... haih... i had my archive in there >.< And i didn't burn the stuff anywhere else. Damn it.
I pray for sweet retribution to be paid when darkness engulfs the world. For i believe that justice on earth will not suffice.
Yeah. Don't mess with my stuff. EVER!
You kow why i blog. It's when insecurity seem such a formidable wall that its collapse is the promised doom for your spirit. I wonder if you rise after the challenge?
I think i have come to a semi-conclusion concerning my dysfunctional family and my thoughts. It's important for you to be happy. For you to try to be happy.
And to see the world entirely within the boxes that they live within too. Yeah, it was something that i used to do when i was younger but, becoming older and listening to the cries of my heart, i forget that others have similar pain too.
You have to try and smile, right? =D There, that's practice. Really effective when it comes to smses. You can never tell that the person on the other side is crying their eyes out.
It's easy to fabricate things in words. I particularly like to paint my world with light and poetry. Imagine woe to be the death of a thousand suns only the emotion be not from humanity but the pain from the greens of the world as it gradually wilts to brown. The knowledge of death and doom yet such a graceful retreat for something once so alive.
Human's are brash. They're rough around the edges. None would die with such grace.
Ah, seems i have digressed again. I realise i am not easily focused. I just want to *feel* for a moment then i'd fleet away.
I realise i sound so drama huh? I'm not, really, in real life i'm the most upright thing you'd have ever met. Yea i flail and squeal sometimes but everyone has their weak moments =D
I think that my memory is fading because, partially i don't want to remember. It isn't necessary so why bother, right? It's really a problem cause i'd think about something only to forget it a second later. Much like a goldfish? I think the goldfish has better memory than me.
I missed Mythbusters when they covered the goldfish thing so i wouldn't know.
Or i can but i'm lazy?
I can't believe i can be busy and lazy at the same time. My days sometimes would be so packed but i'd still miss some stuff out and it's basically due to laziness. >.< I suck!
By the way, my results this time isn't anything to be too happy about. As a matter of fact, i should be upset and prepare myself for a due hanging. But, of course i'm too cowardly to do that. So, i'll just slog through this. I don't know if i can keep my Scholarship. I'm contemplating quitting Uni...
Silly i know. How am i going to fend for myself without a degree?
And to be labelled a drop-out... (*gasp!!*)
But, i'm suddenly wondering what all this is for.. I started this sem calm enough, watching all the happy newbies bustling back and forth all excited for finally getting this far. All ready to take the next step.
I realize how i've taken the next step... Standing upon the ascending stairwell to... destiny? And... there isn't anything in front of me. A few assignments maybe, a little light of flame here and there, trying my best to do well but... i really don't know where i'm going.
At least it isn't as crippling as the time i was lost in IT. That was a tad bit poisonous for the soul. I'm complacent here, used to my reputation as a writer in the past.
I forget that i have to rebuild myself with each new step. That the next step comes from me approaching my goal.
I forget that i'm a writer. That i can do it if i just try beyond trying. Just don't hold back. Just don't hold back...
I'm so used to leading myself by my own hand, that when i'm here, higher than when i began, both of me is stumped. We just stare at the vast space before us and see nothing. Not despair, not pain, not joy, not faith. Nothing.
There's a touch of eerie calmness to its paint but perhaps that is what disarms us. We are caught unawares.
Move, god damn it!
I'm not afraid. Just too content to move.
I just changed the look a little. I realise that i'm seriously colour-blind... Or at least, the mix of garish colours (unless it is completely apalling) doesn't faze me much. Thus my current room has green walls, wooden furniture, red bedsheets, a sofa that is *completely* out of place and random blue objects strewn throughout. Weird sense of colour? Well, at least i don't wear overgrown (probably carnivorous too) purple flowers on my shirts.
I should tell chibi that i'm so sorry for not doing the piccies and our 'celebration' of Yama Pi's bday. Hahahahahahaha!! That was a bag of laughs. Nothing like a day out with your mates to cool you off. XD Hehe!! (And i promise that i'll upload the pics with a full account. No worries i remembered my thoughts throughout. So i shall giveth the story another day =P)
I should say that this isn't a good month for me. First it starts with me losing my external hard drive. Then it all went spiralling down from there =(
I'm heart broken if you can't tell. I found out that i mailed some of the stories to Ah Bune (Yayness!!) so, the blow isn't too crippling after that. But... haih... i had my archive in there >.< And i didn't burn the stuff anywhere else. Damn it.
I pray for sweet retribution to be paid when darkness engulfs the world. For i believe that justice on earth will not suffice.
Yeah. Don't mess with my stuff. EVER!
You kow why i blog. It's when insecurity seem such a formidable wall that its collapse is the promised doom for your spirit. I wonder if you rise after the challenge?
I think i have come to a semi-conclusion concerning my dysfunctional family and my thoughts. It's important for you to be happy. For you to try to be happy.
And to see the world entirely within the boxes that they live within too. Yeah, it was something that i used to do when i was younger but, becoming older and listening to the cries of my heart, i forget that others have similar pain too.
You have to try and smile, right? =D There, that's practice. Really effective when it comes to smses. You can never tell that the person on the other side is crying their eyes out.
It's easy to fabricate things in words. I particularly like to paint my world with light and poetry. Imagine woe to be the death of a thousand suns only the emotion be not from humanity but the pain from the greens of the world as it gradually wilts to brown. The knowledge of death and doom yet such a graceful retreat for something once so alive.
Human's are brash. They're rough around the edges. None would die with such grace.
Ah, seems i have digressed again. I realise i am not easily focused. I just want to *feel* for a moment then i'd fleet away.
I realise i sound so drama huh? I'm not, really, in real life i'm the most upright thing you'd have ever met. Yea i flail and squeal sometimes but everyone has their weak moments =D
I think that my memory is fading because, partially i don't want to remember. It isn't necessary so why bother, right? It's really a problem cause i'd think about something only to forget it a second later. Much like a goldfish? I think the goldfish has better memory than me.
I missed Mythbusters when they covered the goldfish thing so i wouldn't know.
Or i can but i'm lazy?
I can't believe i can be busy and lazy at the same time. My days sometimes would be so packed but i'd still miss some stuff out and it's basically due to laziness. >.< I suck!
By the way, my results this time isn't anything to be too happy about. As a matter of fact, i should be upset and prepare myself for a due hanging. But, of course i'm too cowardly to do that. So, i'll just slog through this. I don't know if i can keep my Scholarship. I'm contemplating quitting Uni...
Silly i know. How am i going to fend for myself without a degree?
And to be labelled a drop-out... (*gasp!!*)
But, i'm suddenly wondering what all this is for.. I started this sem calm enough, watching all the happy newbies bustling back and forth all excited for finally getting this far. All ready to take the next step.
I realize how i've taken the next step... Standing upon the ascending stairwell to... destiny? And... there isn't anything in front of me. A few assignments maybe, a little light of flame here and there, trying my best to do well but... i really don't know where i'm going.
At least it isn't as crippling as the time i was lost in IT. That was a tad bit poisonous for the soul. I'm complacent here, used to my reputation as a writer in the past.
I forget that i have to rebuild myself with each new step. That the next step comes from me approaching my goal.
I forget that i'm a writer. That i can do it if i just try beyond trying. Just don't hold back. Just don't hold back...
I'm so used to leading myself by my own hand, that when i'm here, higher than when i began, both of me is stumped. We just stare at the vast space before us and see nothing. Not despair, not pain, not joy, not faith. Nothing.
There's a touch of eerie calmness to its paint but perhaps that is what disarms us. We are caught unawares.
Move, god damn it!
I'm not afraid. Just too content to move.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Read at your own risk: Elections
Hey... Um... Yea, i know it's been awhile since i graced these fine pages with beautiful ink of imprinted black.
But... i guess today i have something to say. It's something that perhaps to some, seems unreasonable or just darn stupid. Paranoia?
I might be crossposting this to other blogs as well, because, i guess it's part propaganda, part opinion and another part extremely educational for those who stay here. Well, it did educate me to a certain extent anyways.
I
t's concerning the elections. Yes, collective gasp everyone. Since when is alin interested enough in politics to *blog* about it. But, something has got me terribly spooked. Truth be told, it was last week i think when all of a sudden posters depicting various logos- most of which i know nothing of to decipher any coherent meaning from- started decorating the walkways, roads, every available breathing space there was.
It was really saying, elections are here.
It scared me because, i suppose it was and is one of my first memories of blatant propaganda. The years before i was too young. I can only recollect images of people lining up from various out of reach places flashing across the tv screen. I guess this time, when i'm an *Adult* it makes a difference.
I remember learning in history class that media is in no way meant to push the people towards a particular party. They are to remain neutral as not to swing anything in any direction. It's either my teacher was lying, i was too ignorant to see the humour or we decided to take a book out of america's free will and manipulation guide for success.
Whatever it was, ads appeared in the television as well as the newspapers. I didn't find this particularly alarming but, because i had faith in my teacher, i knew something had changed. This is the first year i think i believe the opposition has a chance to win though to say that i'm afraid of that, it still somehow misses the mark. I'm worried about the consequences.
The people are changing. It's a good thing right? We thoroughly believe in a system majoring in democracy, or at least a majority that is educated and young enough to take a risk is saying that the old need to be abolished. The new is all that matters. Times are changing. Let us prepare ourselves for the future because the old cannot be depended on to guide us through.
In the end, it is to either carry a corrupt governement, whom we know is corrupt into the future of this nation or hand Our Country to those who are young. Who carry the same dreams as we do. Who believe that this country can be brought further under the guidance of another hand. Enough of the old, they say. Let those who are pure strive to guide us through the right path. Ne?
Haha!! I want to believe the same thing. That we're all good guys in the end. But another thing has got me thinking as well. Darn thoughts that stem from the conversation of others.
A government will always be corrupt right. So i guess that doesn't matter that much (trust me, i do not think i can handle the major burden of voting anytime soon. Thank god i missed this ship) but what about this need for change?
How can we preserve the practice of the old yet change? Sometimes i wonder what's so bad. Everyone says we're an apartheid society and that there's unfairness everywhere. You can see the shadows of the suppressed as they curse our existence. Yes, i'm one of those who is ignorant enough to ask such a question. I'm one of the privileged here.
But, my mother was telling me about the riot of 69. I guess once writing it here, i can come up with no concrete proof. I apologize. It is also a biased view of things, therefore, do not expect fair criticism from me because my eyes are already tinted. Whatever i say can be held against me through every aspect.
She said, it was after an election such as this where the opposition had won. I think it was a Chinese majority. The Malays were outraged. My mum said it might be silly of them as well because the Chinese party could have only won with *their* votes. She commented that they thought they were intelligent when they did it not understanding the consequences. That was the basis of the riot. Though much good that did. All it did was kill.
She mentioned the worries of these Malays. She said, usually, if a company is of Chinese ownership, chances are, a criteria for acceptence would be your race to be Chinese. I'm unsure if i've mentioned this before. I might have but i assure it is only out of the incoherence of thought. It is concerning a University Malaya incident where the Dean had been a Chinese. Chinese lecturers eventually found themselves spots in the University. The acceptence rate for the Malays dropped because, the quota had shifted.
I'm not mentioning this as a bad thing, i have to say. I am pointing out an observation. I know there are those out there who would say, "They deserved this. Look at what they've done to us and when we turn the tables, we get blog entries such as this."
I'm not surprised actually. Are you if they say that?
I did ask my mum if it was the same anywhere else in the world. My mum answered that chances are not because not many countries are multi-racial and not at gun point with each other. I wanted to say we aren't racist and we don't hate each other, but that might just be my friends and i. Everyone else seems to have something bad to say about the others that it pains my ear to hear.
The reaction of the Chinese Dean which was to immediately preserve his race i can't say is wrong. He's just trying to help his people, can you fault that? It is just the same with the Malay Dean. Only people have more complaints about the Malay man because we have the law and thingamajigs on our side. We're wrong because of that.
I think that's the mentality here or at least, that would be the political mentality. If you're not Malay or bumiputera, you're suppressed. You grow up believing that, viewing everything with those eyes. Have you ever wondered what you see?
But, then again, i grew up with the eyes of 'the fortunate'. I can't see this hatred and suppression that you see. I'm sorry...
What i do believe, is that we need leaders who are not prone to selecting one race over the other. I know of the quota system and understand its faults. A large portion of the cake, they say goes to the bumiputera however, though this is the condition, the Chinese and Indians are still allowed on the cake too. Mean much, my words?
Hence, the fortunate eyes.
What if only one race is allowed to dominate the cake. Wouldn't that be worst?
The best is if everyone can attack the cake together. That will be the perfect system.
But what if someone is too weak to attack the cake. It's wrong isn't it to hand them crutches so that they can run.
Equality sometimes isn't displayed by numbers. It's a qualitative count that exists in the most menial of ways.
Everything in life is a double-edged sword. Sometimes, you need to win together to make things work. The fact that the government isn't helping people who are capable of making it angers others. Point, that's biased, you're gonna say. I agree. But, i'm for winning together.
At the cost of the happiness of others? How selfish.
Am i? How rich and fortunate are you suppose to be to be happy?
Honestly? I don't know how to be fair in this. Mostly because i don't know enough. I know not enough demographics to make a complete comparison neither am i clear on the delegation of economy in the country.
All i know is, we need the Goreng Pisang seller, and the Garbage collector. We need the waiter, the college counselor and the local writer. We need comic artists, the translators, the guy we can admire in the local cafe. We need everyone in society to hold up the bargain that is the ideology of nationalism.
It's retarded, it's stupid and hurts because, each word they say pack a punch of lies. We're angered because they're trying to make us believe things that aren't true.
I get angry too but i know why they do it.
It just hurts because they enjoy doing it as well. Or to me it seems so.
I'm not particularly worried about my children not getting scholarships as my mum puts it. I guess that means they just have to work extra hard to get their places. Placing the Malays in the minority might teach us a lesson to be the suppressed.
I won't say that i'm looking forward to it but, if it comes without bloodshed, i'd take it anyday.
The good thing about the Chinese people is that, when they're down, they get right back up. They push themselves. I know scholarships are often pushed to Bumiputeras (you have to know the rightplaces for these statistics. Sadly, i don't. I'm ignorant, remember?) but, they build themselves right up. I've heard of a few scholarships, mainly the newspapers that are there to support them.
In the future, if it comes to the Malaysia that is owned by the Chinese (I'm sorry other ethnic groups. You aren't in the discussion yet cause this is the situation now >.<) they do change *us* for the better. And if other places falls to any other party, whoever it is, whatever you stand for, in the end perhaps you should work for the better of *all*. It might be too much to ask based on the concept of 'what works for you not necessarily works for me' but by trying, we make lesser mistakes than when we don't, right?
I pray there be no riot of '69 over again because we've all learned history. The biggest war of our age, the Iraq war, only started a few years ago. We can't destroy one another! That's just silly.
But either way, i can feel the fear in the air.
Please do take care of youself.
Okay. Phew, that's a lot of words, eh? =P
Let's hope tomorrow is brighter than today =D
Alin
I just placed that in Lj, and i realized the entry is full of holes. I know how to attack me if anything comes and there'd be no way for me to defend any neutrality i might posses. This is why i fear speaking up sometimes because we're easily labelled and such but, bite the bullet my man.
I realize how irrational some of the thoughts are. If i was fair, i'd cross-check the threat the Malays posses from every ethnic group and vice versa. That's the only remedy to the holes. Because to say that you only have one worry in a situation is far from the truth but, i can't help it. I'm not too well versed in statistics.
The entry, if i was to analyze it, would be more of expressing worry for the coming storm while the second is expressing worry through my eyes. I'm sorry for not being academic in these entries and providing a neutral ground for argument. I just needed a place to vent my fears.
I pray this harms you not...
But... i guess today i have something to say. It's something that perhaps to some, seems unreasonable or just darn stupid. Paranoia?
I might be crossposting this to other blogs as well, because, i guess it's part propaganda, part opinion and another part extremely educational for those who stay here. Well, it did educate me to a certain extent anyways.
I
t's concerning the elections. Yes, collective gasp everyone. Since when is alin interested enough in politics to *blog* about it. But, something has got me terribly spooked. Truth be told, it was last week i think when all of a sudden posters depicting various logos- most of which i know nothing of to decipher any coherent meaning from- started decorating the walkways, roads, every available breathing space there was.
It was really saying, elections are here.
It scared me because, i suppose it was and is one of my first memories of blatant propaganda. The years before i was too young. I can only recollect images of people lining up from various out of reach places flashing across the tv screen. I guess this time, when i'm an *Adult* it makes a difference.
I remember learning in history class that media is in no way meant to push the people towards a particular party. They are to remain neutral as not to swing anything in any direction. It's either my teacher was lying, i was too ignorant to see the humour or we decided to take a book out of america's free will and manipulation guide for success.
Whatever it was, ads appeared in the television as well as the newspapers. I didn't find this particularly alarming but, because i had faith in my teacher, i knew something had changed. This is the first year i think i believe the opposition has a chance to win though to say that i'm afraid of that, it still somehow misses the mark. I'm worried about the consequences.
The people are changing. It's a good thing right? We thoroughly believe in a system majoring in democracy, or at least a majority that is educated and young enough to take a risk is saying that the old need to be abolished. The new is all that matters. Times are changing. Let us prepare ourselves for the future because the old cannot be depended on to guide us through.
In the end, it is to either carry a corrupt governement, whom we know is corrupt into the future of this nation or hand Our Country to those who are young. Who carry the same dreams as we do. Who believe that this country can be brought further under the guidance of another hand. Enough of the old, they say. Let those who are pure strive to guide us through the right path. Ne?
Haha!! I want to believe the same thing. That we're all good guys in the end. But another thing has got me thinking as well. Darn thoughts that stem from the conversation of others.
A government will always be corrupt right. So i guess that doesn't matter that much (trust me, i do not think i can handle the major burden of voting anytime soon. Thank god i missed this ship) but what about this need for change?
How can we preserve the practice of the old yet change? Sometimes i wonder what's so bad. Everyone says we're an apartheid society and that there's unfairness everywhere. You can see the shadows of the suppressed as they curse our existence. Yes, i'm one of those who is ignorant enough to ask such a question. I'm one of the privileged here.
But, my mother was telling me about the riot of 69. I guess once writing it here, i can come up with no concrete proof. I apologize. It is also a biased view of things, therefore, do not expect fair criticism from me because my eyes are already tinted. Whatever i say can be held against me through every aspect.
She said, it was after an election such as this where the opposition had won. I think it was a Chinese majority. The Malays were outraged. My mum said it might be silly of them as well because the Chinese party could have only won with *their* votes. She commented that they thought they were intelligent when they did it not understanding the consequences. That was the basis of the riot. Though much good that did. All it did was kill.
She mentioned the worries of these Malays. She said, usually, if a company is of Chinese ownership, chances are, a criteria for acceptence would be your race to be Chinese. I'm unsure if i've mentioned this before. I might have but i assure it is only out of the incoherence of thought. It is concerning a University Malaya incident where the Dean had been a Chinese. Chinese lecturers eventually found themselves spots in the University. The acceptence rate for the Malays dropped because, the quota had shifted.
I'm not mentioning this as a bad thing, i have to say. I am pointing out an observation. I know there are those out there who would say, "They deserved this. Look at what they've done to us and when we turn the tables, we get blog entries such as this."
I'm not surprised actually. Are you if they say that?
I did ask my mum if it was the same anywhere else in the world. My mum answered that chances are not because not many countries are multi-racial and not at gun point with each other. I wanted to say we aren't racist and we don't hate each other, but that might just be my friends and i. Everyone else seems to have something bad to say about the others that it pains my ear to hear.
The reaction of the Chinese Dean which was to immediately preserve his race i can't say is wrong. He's just trying to help his people, can you fault that? It is just the same with the Malay Dean. Only people have more complaints about the Malay man because we have the law and thingamajigs on our side. We're wrong because of that.
I think that's the mentality here or at least, that would be the political mentality. If you're not Malay or bumiputera, you're suppressed. You grow up believing that, viewing everything with those eyes. Have you ever wondered what you see?
But, then again, i grew up with the eyes of 'the fortunate'. I can't see this hatred and suppression that you see. I'm sorry...
What i do believe, is that we need leaders who are not prone to selecting one race over the other. I know of the quota system and understand its faults. A large portion of the cake, they say goes to the bumiputera however, though this is the condition, the Chinese and Indians are still allowed on the cake too. Mean much, my words?
Hence, the fortunate eyes.
What if only one race is allowed to dominate the cake. Wouldn't that be worst?
The best is if everyone can attack the cake together. That will be the perfect system.
But what if someone is too weak to attack the cake. It's wrong isn't it to hand them crutches so that they can run.
Equality sometimes isn't displayed by numbers. It's a qualitative count that exists in the most menial of ways.
Everything in life is a double-edged sword. Sometimes, you need to win together to make things work. The fact that the government isn't helping people who are capable of making it angers others. Point, that's biased, you're gonna say. I agree. But, i'm for winning together.
At the cost of the happiness of others? How selfish.
Am i? How rich and fortunate are you suppose to be to be happy?
Honestly? I don't know how to be fair in this. Mostly because i don't know enough. I know not enough demographics to make a complete comparison neither am i clear on the delegation of economy in the country.
All i know is, we need the Goreng Pisang seller, and the Garbage collector. We need the waiter, the college counselor and the local writer. We need comic artists, the translators, the guy we can admire in the local cafe. We need everyone in society to hold up the bargain that is the ideology of nationalism.
It's retarded, it's stupid and hurts because, each word they say pack a punch of lies. We're angered because they're trying to make us believe things that aren't true.
I get angry too but i know why they do it.
It just hurts because they enjoy doing it as well. Or to me it seems so.
I'm not particularly worried about my children not getting scholarships as my mum puts it. I guess that means they just have to work extra hard to get their places. Placing the Malays in the minority might teach us a lesson to be the suppressed.
I won't say that i'm looking forward to it but, if it comes without bloodshed, i'd take it anyday.
The good thing about the Chinese people is that, when they're down, they get right back up. They push themselves. I know scholarships are often pushed to Bumiputeras (you have to know the rightplaces for these statistics. Sadly, i don't. I'm ignorant, remember?) but, they build themselves right up. I've heard of a few scholarships, mainly the newspapers that are there to support them.
In the future, if it comes to the Malaysia that is owned by the Chinese (I'm sorry other ethnic groups. You aren't in the discussion yet cause this is the situation now >.<) they do change *us* for the better. And if other places falls to any other party, whoever it is, whatever you stand for, in the end perhaps you should work for the better of *all*. It might be too much to ask based on the concept of 'what works for you not necessarily works for me' but by trying, we make lesser mistakes than when we don't, right?
I pray there be no riot of '69 over again because we've all learned history. The biggest war of our age, the Iraq war, only started a few years ago. We can't destroy one another! That's just silly.
But either way, i can feel the fear in the air.
Please do take care of youself.
Okay. Phew, that's a lot of words, eh? =P
Let's hope tomorrow is brighter than today =D
Alin
I just placed that in Lj, and i realized the entry is full of holes. I know how to attack me if anything comes and there'd be no way for me to defend any neutrality i might posses. This is why i fear speaking up sometimes because we're easily labelled and such but, bite the bullet my man.
I realize how irrational some of the thoughts are. If i was fair, i'd cross-check the threat the Malays posses from every ethnic group and vice versa. That's the only remedy to the holes. Because to say that you only have one worry in a situation is far from the truth but, i can't help it. I'm not too well versed in statistics.
The entry, if i was to analyze it, would be more of expressing worry for the coming storm while the second is expressing worry through my eyes. I'm sorry for not being academic in these entries and providing a neutral ground for argument. I just needed a place to vent my fears.
I pray this harms you not...
Monday, February 25, 2008
First day back
I'm so sorry for placing this here. Y'know, for once i wished that i did not tell anyone of this blog though close mates they might be. I pray my language here be too hard for others to decipher therefore the attempts of none shall prevail thus none would know the plight that banes my tainted soul so much.
Firstly perhaps i shall atone for my sins. I'm sorry for cursing the internet servers as they wished not to load any faster though the signal strength was 'Good'. I'm sorry to most of my col friends for being such a prick and a dysfunctional/dead prick at that. I'm an idiot. An idiot that cannot live in seclusion. How foolish.
Perhaps i should be sorry for my existence. Yet, there is not much to say for that. I used to think i arrived with a purpose but i suppose there are vessels of God made intended for chaos. Or rather it was my own decision. It seems wrong to blame God for something that was so wholly my own, somehow.
I fought with her again today. That would make it what? Everyday of the week?
It's selfish of me. Right?
I'm the kid. I'm always wrong. Asking questions is too much. Attempting to strive for intelligence through commutable knowledge is nothing but an insult to her. Because children are meant to be seen and not heard.
I'm suppose to be stupid. Right?
Heh. This whole insecurity crap. Truth is ingrained in a wall of bricks though impending it is, casting its broad darkness over my head, slathering me in its coat of black, i do not accept it.
Is that not enough of stupidity for you?
Oh, on another note. I had a pretty good time in school today. Stuff was fun. Great seeing everyone except i'm still sorry for being a dysfinctional prick. Yeah. I should move into the hostel. Life seems better that way. But of course, money grows on trees.
That's probably the only stepping stone.
The odd thing about my mom, is that my bro (the only one who she loves and gives full blessings to) would tell her what she did wrong. She'd sarcasticly apologize (actually, sarcasm isn't the intonation, it's the intention) then just forget about it. I think it's because of her philosophy that basically details her confidence.
She tried passing it on to me once but the problem with growing up alongside a daunting mother is that, sometimes, you yourself become insecure. I'm glad though that my sister is following in her footsteps.
At least that would be one of her daughters making it big. It's something you need... that confidence to succeed. I never wanting such strength because the swelling of muscles scare me.
Perhaps that is why i do not favour her ideals too much. And why we fight a lot.
I think i'm growing too big for the house. In the end, it might come to an ultimatum of either she goes, or i go.
I wouldn't want to chase her from the house. As much of the devil's spawn that i am, that's just plain mean. I should just get out of the house, the country, this life.
But i'm afraid that her influence might dawn over me. That i would still seek her approval each time. It's something that she gave us. Each of us, this shackle that only leads back to her.
Shackles can only be made with wisdom. When they tie us, they should understand the responsibility they bear.
I think she used to. There was a time in my life where i lived it in bliss. Where, there was an inkling of 'care' to be shared. It's either i was delusional back then, or disappeared now. I think it just evaporated now. Things aren't too well at home. Either that or i'm reading too deeply in words meant to be said callously yet with no heart attached.
Maybe i'm just looking for her approval. The idea of that disgusts me to hell. Ugh, as if it's not enough that i'm purging today. But, i won't cancel it just cause i hate it.
Thinking too much of it will only destroy me.
I should try to lead my life like normal. If normal is what you want to call it anyways.
Firstly perhaps i shall atone for my sins. I'm sorry for cursing the internet servers as they wished not to load any faster though the signal strength was 'Good'. I'm sorry to most of my col friends for being such a prick and a dysfunctional/dead prick at that. I'm an idiot. An idiot that cannot live in seclusion. How foolish.
Perhaps i should be sorry for my existence. Yet, there is not much to say for that. I used to think i arrived with a purpose but i suppose there are vessels of God made intended for chaos. Or rather it was my own decision. It seems wrong to blame God for something that was so wholly my own, somehow.
I fought with her again today. That would make it what? Everyday of the week?
It's selfish of me. Right?
I'm the kid. I'm always wrong. Asking questions is too much. Attempting to strive for intelligence through commutable knowledge is nothing but an insult to her. Because children are meant to be seen and not heard.
I'm suppose to be stupid. Right?
Heh. This whole insecurity crap. Truth is ingrained in a wall of bricks though impending it is, casting its broad darkness over my head, slathering me in its coat of black, i do not accept it.
Is that not enough of stupidity for you?
Oh, on another note. I had a pretty good time in school today. Stuff was fun. Great seeing everyone except i'm still sorry for being a dysfinctional prick. Yeah. I should move into the hostel. Life seems better that way. But of course, money grows on trees.
That's probably the only stepping stone.
The odd thing about my mom, is that my bro (the only one who she loves and gives full blessings to) would tell her what she did wrong. She'd sarcasticly apologize (actually, sarcasm isn't the intonation, it's the intention) then just forget about it. I think it's because of her philosophy that basically details her confidence.
She tried passing it on to me once but the problem with growing up alongside a daunting mother is that, sometimes, you yourself become insecure. I'm glad though that my sister is following in her footsteps.
At least that would be one of her daughters making it big. It's something you need... that confidence to succeed. I never wanting such strength because the swelling of muscles scare me.
Perhaps that is why i do not favour her ideals too much. And why we fight a lot.
I think i'm growing too big for the house. In the end, it might come to an ultimatum of either she goes, or i go.
I wouldn't want to chase her from the house. As much of the devil's spawn that i am, that's just plain mean. I should just get out of the house, the country, this life.
But i'm afraid that her influence might dawn over me. That i would still seek her approval each time. It's something that she gave us. Each of us, this shackle that only leads back to her.
Shackles can only be made with wisdom. When they tie us, they should understand the responsibility they bear.
I think she used to. There was a time in my life where i lived it in bliss. Where, there was an inkling of 'care' to be shared. It's either i was delusional back then, or disappeared now. I think it just evaporated now. Things aren't too well at home. Either that or i'm reading too deeply in words meant to be said callously yet with no heart attached.
Maybe i'm just looking for her approval. The idea of that disgusts me to hell. Ugh, as if it's not enough that i'm purging today. But, i won't cancel it just cause i hate it.
Thinking too much of it will only destroy me.
I should try to lead my life like normal. If normal is what you want to call it anyways.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The reason why?
Yo.
Yeah, i know i told chibi that i was going to sleep but i thought i'd pen some words if only upon death ears or blind eyes.
I'm pretty much satisfied/embarassed.
I managed to send the bloody card that i was stalling so much for. I was afraid that people are gonna laugh at it.... or act completely nonchalant towards it when i realise, i really to tell someone why i do it.... Why i act so sentimental as to produce a card each year just to pass it around and ask for forgiveness.
I won't go into the deeper reasons why but i'd just state my most basic, cause... i know someone would ask why. And the most dignified reason that i can conjure, aside from the excuse that i'm sentimental would be that i don't want to die tomorrow and not tell everyone how much they mean to me. I don't want to die with that regret in my heart of never uttering an apology.
Yeah, i know it would be hard for me to say it in real life. But, this is the only way i know how.
It's what i do, holding on to memories and emotions.
And wanting people to be happy...
Haha!! Maybe i am sleepy.
Note to self: still have a few more cards to go!! Some of the cards bounced back. Looks like i didn't get their mail right or something =(
Haha!! Okies. Gonna go to bed now. Nights!!
Yeah, i know i told chibi that i was going to sleep but i thought i'd pen some words if only upon death ears or blind eyes.
I'm pretty much satisfied/embarassed.
I managed to send the bloody card that i was stalling so much for. I was afraid that people are gonna laugh at it.... or act completely nonchalant towards it when i realise, i really to tell someone why i do it.... Why i act so sentimental as to produce a card each year just to pass it around and ask for forgiveness.
I won't go into the deeper reasons why but i'd just state my most basic, cause... i know someone would ask why. And the most dignified reason that i can conjure, aside from the excuse that i'm sentimental would be that i don't want to die tomorrow and not tell everyone how much they mean to me. I don't want to die with that regret in my heart of never uttering an apology.
Yeah, i know it would be hard for me to say it in real life. But, this is the only way i know how.
It's what i do, holding on to memories and emotions.
And wanting people to be happy...
Haha!! Maybe i am sleepy.
Note to self: still have a few more cards to go!! Some of the cards bounced back. Looks like i didn't get their mail right or something =(
Haha!! Okies. Gonna go to bed now. Nights!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
One reason
Yo'!!
I think i've come to a decision.
Okay, now's where i mysteriously babble myself to death. Haha!! Be prepared! =P
Y'know, i remember thinking last year. Or at least, the time that i was in MMU. I was worried that my actions are conducted based on values i learned through the television. Mass-produced, commercialised values. In one simple word? Drama.
Yups!! And i might have reacted that way. Still am... or so i realised. ^_^;;
Haha!!
And i've just dedicated my life to battling commercialism. So... a cause to fight anyone?
Weird. I'd go through hell and heaven to stand up for my beliefs but... i can't even get up and get my sis's handphone for her when she asks for it.... >.< Hmm...
I think i'm going through the inferiority complex thing again. Wait. Correction. It is not an 'i think'. It's an 'I know'. Haih.... Stupid puberty thing.
Anyways, i think... going into the course (i don't think i told it here) i had my doubts after awhile. Especially cause my results didn't exactly show the prodigy that i hoped to be. Haih. Looks like i might not be one. I suck.
But i should keep this down to earth. I should remember why i want to be a writer. I was watching 'Everywomen' on Al-Jazeera just now. Yeah. Haha!! All of a sudden i felt like breaking into the news. Anyways, they were talking about Women writers on the border of Iraq or it was in the state near Iraq i'm a little unsure. I only caught the butt of it.
And... well, they really have a cause to fight for. I read two books written by Jean Sasson a few months back talking about the harshness of the system and how one-sided it can be to women in the middle east. I guess it might be an assumption to say the same apply to them (referring to the people featured in Al-Jazeera) cause i didn't research on this stuff.
That's when i realise i know what's missing from me.
A reason to write.
A cause.
My aim to be a writer was simple when i signed up for this Monash course. It was just to help people. Because i want to do something that i can assist with these hands.
That's my cause.
That's why i'm doing this.
Let me remember, that this is why i'm alive.
I think i've come to a decision.
Okay, now's where i mysteriously babble myself to death. Haha!! Be prepared! =P
Y'know, i remember thinking last year. Or at least, the time that i was in MMU. I was worried that my actions are conducted based on values i learned through the television. Mass-produced, commercialised values. In one simple word? Drama.
Yups!! And i might have reacted that way. Still am... or so i realised. ^_^;;
Haha!!
And i've just dedicated my life to battling commercialism. So... a cause to fight anyone?
Weird. I'd go through hell and heaven to stand up for my beliefs but... i can't even get up and get my sis's handphone for her when she asks for it.... >.< Hmm...
I think i'm going through the inferiority complex thing again. Wait. Correction. It is not an 'i think'. It's an 'I know'. Haih.... Stupid puberty thing.
Anyways, i think... going into the course (i don't think i told it here) i had my doubts after awhile. Especially cause my results didn't exactly show the prodigy that i hoped to be. Haih. Looks like i might not be one. I suck.
But i should keep this down to earth. I should remember why i want to be a writer. I was watching 'Everywomen' on Al-Jazeera just now. Yeah. Haha!! All of a sudden i felt like breaking into the news. Anyways, they were talking about Women writers on the border of Iraq or it was in the state near Iraq i'm a little unsure. I only caught the butt of it.
And... well, they really have a cause to fight for. I read two books written by Jean Sasson a few months back talking about the harshness of the system and how one-sided it can be to women in the middle east. I guess it might be an assumption to say the same apply to them (referring to the people featured in Al-Jazeera) cause i didn't research on this stuff.
That's when i realise i know what's missing from me.
A reason to write.
A cause.
My aim to be a writer was simple when i signed up for this Monash course. It was just to help people. Because i want to do something that i can assist with these hands.
That's my cause.
That's why i'm doing this.
Let me remember, that this is why i'm alive.
Monday, January 14, 2008
One foot
Hello.
Well, my post today indicates that i am alive.
I'm just going to start off with a nice cyptic statement.
I think i started it.
I think i'm making my family break apart. Maybe as i was looking at them, cursing them for their blindness and ignorance towards the emotion of one another, my hands had striked a hammer unto the ground, splintering the remains of this family apart.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
It is because i exist right?
It's because of me...
Haha!! I guess i did it again.
Just a little case on the update, the fam's a little rocky at the mo. I've complained enough so, i guess that statement will do. At present, my mother hates me because she believes that i in turn hate her. Such a strong word, yet any lesser of a word would do the situation no justice. My siblings are wary of me. After all, i am much like a tyrant raining hale across the land. Bringing forth devastation even as i breathe. Even as i exist. It is me. At one moment, i can be calm. My spirit a drawn horizontal line stretched across the scene. Yet the next... yes, the next is where you will see my rage. It is anger. Wrath. It is my vengeance of my own existance brought upon the lives of these innocent people.
It is my fault, really.
My father just doesn't care. Or he pretends not to. I don't know. I stopped questioning after awhile.
I remember the last time this anger had struck. It was when the division of affection had been greatest. When i was younger and love, the rancid word that it is seem scarce.
I guess that is the only moment that i feel out of sort. When i really feel displaced from society because all of a sudden, the line that contained the throng of human hearts just seem too narrow for a space that was me. I also remember how i grew out of it.
I had school. I had friends who really accepted me. I had comfort and the support and projects to complete. School to focus on. Life to lead. There was so much going on. I had to grow out of this.
I hope this baggage doesn't stay. Because, i'm older. I should be able to lead my life now.
I should be stronger, ne?
Haha!! I can't let this bother me too much, but i guess cause i have nothing much to worry about, this stuff is the easiest thing to worry about. Anyways, i'm thinking about spending a couple of nights in Cyber after this. Just taking a few days off.
Well, that's all now.
Sorry for the depressing entry. I wish i was more cheerful by nature, but.... hmm... i wonder if it's a little too late to convert myself... XD haha... I'm gonna have to think about that. =P Anyways. That it.
Ja'
Well, my post today indicates that i am alive.
I'm just going to start off with a nice cyptic statement.
I think i started it.
I think i'm making my family break apart. Maybe as i was looking at them, cursing them for their blindness and ignorance towards the emotion of one another, my hands had striked a hammer unto the ground, splintering the remains of this family apart.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
It is because i exist right?
It's because of me...
Haha!! I guess i did it again.
Just a little case on the update, the fam's a little rocky at the mo. I've complained enough so, i guess that statement will do. At present, my mother hates me because she believes that i in turn hate her. Such a strong word, yet any lesser of a word would do the situation no justice. My siblings are wary of me. After all, i am much like a tyrant raining hale across the land. Bringing forth devastation even as i breathe. Even as i exist. It is me. At one moment, i can be calm. My spirit a drawn horizontal line stretched across the scene. Yet the next... yes, the next is where you will see my rage. It is anger. Wrath. It is my vengeance of my own existance brought upon the lives of these innocent people.
It is my fault, really.
My father just doesn't care. Or he pretends not to. I don't know. I stopped questioning after awhile.
I remember the last time this anger had struck. It was when the division of affection had been greatest. When i was younger and love, the rancid word that it is seem scarce.
I guess that is the only moment that i feel out of sort. When i really feel displaced from society because all of a sudden, the line that contained the throng of human hearts just seem too narrow for a space that was me. I also remember how i grew out of it.
I had school. I had friends who really accepted me. I had comfort and the support and projects to complete. School to focus on. Life to lead. There was so much going on. I had to grow out of this.
I hope this baggage doesn't stay. Because, i'm older. I should be able to lead my life now.
I should be stronger, ne?
Haha!! I can't let this bother me too much, but i guess cause i have nothing much to worry about, this stuff is the easiest thing to worry about. Anyways, i'm thinking about spending a couple of nights in Cyber after this. Just taking a few days off.
Well, that's all now.
Sorry for the depressing entry. I wish i was more cheerful by nature, but.... hmm... i wonder if it's a little too late to convert myself... XD haha... I'm gonna have to think about that. =P Anyways. That it.
Ja'
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