First day back

I'm so sorry for placing this here. Y'know, for once i wished that i did not tell anyone of this blog though close mates they might be. I pray my language here be too hard for others to decipher therefore the attempts of none shall prevail thus none would know the plight that banes my tainted soul so much.

Firstly perhaps i shall atone for my sins. I'm sorry for cursing the internet servers as they wished not to load any faster though the signal strength was 'Good'. I'm sorry to most of my col friends for being such a prick and a dysfunctional/dead prick at that. I'm an idiot. An idiot that cannot live in seclusion. How foolish.

Perhaps i should be sorry for my existence. Yet, there is not much to say for that. I used to think i arrived with a purpose but i suppose there are vessels of God made intended for chaos. Or rather it was my own decision. It seems wrong to blame God for something that was so wholly my own, somehow.

I fought with her again today. That would make it what? Everyday of the week?

It's selfish of me. Right?

I'm the kid. I'm always wrong. Asking questions is too much. Attempting to strive for intelligence through commutable knowledge is nothing but an insult to her. Because children are meant to be seen and not heard.

I'm suppose to be stupid. Right?

Heh. This whole insecurity crap. Truth is ingrained in a wall of bricks though impending it is, casting its broad darkness over my head, slathering me in its coat of black, i do not accept it.

Is that not enough of stupidity for you?

Oh, on another note. I had a pretty good time in school today. Stuff was fun. Great seeing everyone except i'm still sorry for being a dysfinctional prick. Yeah. I should move into the hostel. Life seems better that way. But of course, money grows on trees.

That's probably the only stepping stone.

The odd thing about my mom, is that my bro (the only one who she loves and gives full blessings to) would tell her what she did wrong. She'd sarcasticly apologize (actually, sarcasm isn't the intonation, it's the intention) then just forget about it. I think it's because of her philosophy that basically details her confidence.

She tried passing it on to me once but the problem with growing up alongside a daunting mother is that, sometimes, you yourself become insecure. I'm glad though that my sister is following in her footsteps.

At least that would be one of her daughters making it big. It's something you need... that confidence to succeed. I never wanting such strength because the swelling of muscles scare me.

Perhaps that is why i do not favour her ideals too much. And why we fight a lot.

I think i'm growing too big for the house. In the end, it might come to an ultimatum of either she goes, or i go.

I wouldn't want to chase her from the house. As much of the devil's spawn that i am, that's just plain mean. I should just get out of the house, the country, this life.

But i'm afraid that her influence might dawn over me. That i would still seek her approval each time. It's something that she gave us. Each of us, this shackle that only leads back to her.

Shackles can only be made with wisdom. When they tie us, they should understand the responsibility they bear.

I think she used to. There was a time in my life where i lived it in bliss. Where, there was an inkling of 'care' to be shared. It's either i was delusional back then, or disappeared now. I think it just evaporated now. Things aren't too well at home. Either that or i'm reading too deeply in words meant to be said callously yet with no heart attached.

Maybe i'm just looking for her approval. The idea of that disgusts me to hell. Ugh, as if it's not enough that i'm purging today. But, i won't cancel it just cause i hate it.

Thinking too much of it will only destroy me.

I should try to lead my life like normal. If normal is what you want to call it anyways.