Life's lesson in a count to ten

Yo~


My first post for this month (not that i'm keeping track, mind you XD) I just thought i'd chip in a little. Yea. A little ^_^


Actually, this is gonna be a bit on the retrospective bit so, perhaps patience is not what i would ask for the moment as, there is nothing that be akin in need of such. =P


I wish to speak of lessons. Of things that i have learned in this age. I believe on my 20th birthday, i told my friends that with this age came a sudden awareness. An unfortunate awareness that, truth be told neither castrates nor does it veils the senses.


Brag, i pray be nothing of my words but there has always been a certain description for my perception of the world. It is no different, i am sure from yours only, well, with me it has always been an experiment to prod my senses and flex my emotional muscles thus, the way i see the world is duly noted by thyself thus, again i seek forgiveness for speaking like a pompous, self-indulging figure.


Anyway, in the years before, my sight had always been outward. Almost as if casting a net from the very eyes that i see and my mind spans to weave in between the clear lines of its fine mesh of the eyes.


I could understand, yes. And beyond understanding, i could see, comprehend, analyze. I saw the invisible threads that lay beneath the common lie and with this was a coat of pride and dignity that never fell from my being. Others mattered, yes for the heart does not seek protection. But it was from the point of view of one who stood amidst the crowd but was simultaneously observing those around. This was perhaps, the most obvious during my days in MMU.


But, my eyes have changed. I did not trade it away, for i know casting it is... not too possible, i'm quite sure ^_^;;;


Rather from an outward span of the sight, it seemed it has changed into one where my eyes see in a spherical motion. And what is the greatness of the circle? It has a center. It has a radius and a diameter though it seems, even with mathematical equations the radius matters much more than the diameter. Thus, everything is calculated with the proximity of distance in relation to the center and everything is regarded as such.


That is perhaps the greatest change that i have ever experienced in the past 20 years of my life.


I remembered in my teenage years when my eyes are clouded by a haze of black. But that did nothing to shorten my sight. The souls of others were still open for my interpretation. Now, it seems that the radius from my centre is rather fixed. To see beyond the flesh of a bethren is much too far.


I admit, i am disappointed although to see darkness is also to admit the existence of light.


This is the first that i have felt beyond the armor i place upon my being. For once, happiness (or something akin of) can truly be felt and despair, though a hundred times more potent, has never felt so real.


It is for this i am in no form of battling to redeem my earlier sight and often i wonder, is this worth it?


But as soon as the thought arises, it would be forgotten. I have chosen to forget many things, these days. Chosen, mind you. I do not forget easily. Except for birthdays. But if you believe memory to be the will of the mind, then yes, i have chosen to forget birthdays as well.


I do not know if within the future, i will retain these eyes. Or perhaps it would return to the distant coolness that understands or maybe (God forbid) it would become nothing but a mere appendage to my existence. Something there because it was meant to be there.


The foolishness of eyes that see but cannot see.


It has always been temptation to chronicle the lessons i learn in life. Because, numerous as they were, i worry i forget them because... i do not wish to remember? No, it is more of because i want myself to know that i've gone through these and i have acknowledged them. They are at once a reminder as well as a consolation.


It is also to note the changes that had taken place. I was not like this before, please understand.


There are many reasons for this list. Some of the very best intentions. Some even less so. It isn't something to mark the end. It is merely a passage.


Thus i shall begin.

1. I am not perfect.
2. I am afraid of being hurt.
3. I am easily hurt.
4. I am self-centered.
5. Friendship + my friends mean a lot to me.
6. My friends are the greatest.
7. I *heartses* ALL my friends.
8. I am weaker than i thought.
9. I shield my understanding of many things.
10. I am short-tempered.
11. I hate to be hated or misunderstood.
12. Pain hurts.
13. I reply pain with anger.
14. I answer anger with self-indignation.
15. I hold grudges.
16. I like to study. A lot. To the level of nerd-dom.
17. I hate being talked down to.
18. I hate being snuffed.
19. I hate road bullies <-- semi-random.
20. My world is seperated between the believe and the make-believe.
21. My imagination is limited.
22. I am not a full masochist or a sadist.
23. There is no drama in my life.
24. My hatred is strong.
25. I propagate my hatred.
26. I lose control quite easily.
27. I am irrational.
28. If it is a subject that doesn't concern me, it is a matter of no importance.
29. Right and wrong comes to me in retrospect.
30. I care not for the feelings of others.
31. Friendships are tools that should be used wisely.
32. I love to read.
33. I have not much angst anymore.
34. I am guilty for everything that i've done.
35. I remember everything that i have done. Especially when someone is wronged.
36. I can lie.
37. I am vain.
38. I am desperate to be acknowledged.
39. I am lazy.
40. I feel the need to be well-prepared.
41. I cry easily.
42. I have little patience and tolerence.
43. I hate kids.
44. I am envious of people smarter than me.
45. I am envious of people kinder than me.
46. I am envious of people happier than me.
47. I appreciate material objects.
48. I still believe in the possibility of happiness.
49. Art keeps my hands busy.
50. I don't hate myself.
51. I want to live.
    

I think that there's more actually. But, i can't seem to recall all. Maybe i'll update the list with new lessons. Or maybe i'll just post a new list. Cause i don't really want to rectify the mistakes i made in this.

The list above should be accompanied by an explanation. So that each can be taken for what they really mean. But, i thought... why not place it there in black and white. See it from the darkest point of view and not be afraid of the dark.

In other words, accept the possible negativity that would come with the perception of those who view it. I wrote it with the best of my intentions, knowing an explanation will tip the favor in my direction.

Just, try to be strong and face the consequences.

Don't be afraid, ne?