Of tears and my sins

I don't cry that much.

Yeah, i guess that much is true. Or at least in public it is ^_^

I'm not one to shed tears when i'm hurt because, i think i did that too much when i was younger. Either that or i think crying over a booboo that can go away with the right medication is quite silly. It isn't something permanent, damn it.

It might also be because my father was quite loose handed when i cry earlier in my years. He raised us to quell our tears. It doesn't matter what happens. You don't fucking cry. Because we're not pansies. We'd face our problems like the Man we're meant to be.

The third is because of pride. I think a part of me would think it's cool if i cried in front of the right person or people who are really close to me rather than just bawling my tears out for others to see. Crying means you're admitting that you have a weakness. It's saying that you have committed a fault. It's rare that my tears are for another (except in fanfiction. Those tearjerker ones are *special*). I hate revealing my weakness to people because it makes my weakness more concrete and it seems like i'm proud of it.

I think i'm much more lax with this now because well... i do have this blog isn't it? As if talking about yourself and the problems you faced isn't an indicator of what's seriously wrong with you *snort*

But i think i realize what really produces my tears. I'm a selfish bastard (whoops, i think that was more of an insult to me mum than me). So it isn't one of those delicate 'i hurt you so i'm bawwing cause i really hurt you' sort of thing. I feel really really like an ass-wipe when i let myself down.

It's happened many times before. The time i fought with June and ended up crying, the time i hit my father's car, the time i saw the price of my shoes wrongly and had my aunt pay triple the amount, and now, it's cause i forgot to bring my clothes to this stupid wedding.

We're suppose to wear green. Well, i forgot to bring my green stuff cause i thought my sister packed it in for me. I came back late yesterday, so i was in a rush to pack my stuff. I just assumed it was the under-things and my tees and jeans that were missing. But it was more. A lot more.

It's easy to say that i was pissed with my sister for not including my stuff inside. I guess she packed for the rest of the family that i assumed she got mine as well. I guess i made several mistakes in these assumptions. As a matter of fact, with all the problems in the above, i realize i always made the same mistakes:

It's by assuming.

Everyone thinks i'm perfect. No, not in the straight A's, hot super duper human beings sort of perfect. It's more of this dependability that i can exert or release like toxic fumes in the air.

There is this level of strength that they expect from me and i expect from myself. That's why i keep on telling myself, "I'm perfect, damn it! So what's the problem?" (Hah! Now we know why my head's so darn big!!)

And those moments; that moment when i hurt ah bune, when i hit the car, when i cost my aunt a lot of money and this recent anger towards my sister is all based on the fact that i broke this assumption.

Hell, in those moments, i'm far from perfect. And it's like a smack in the face. Someone out there's really happy that you're not Miss Strong, Powerful character. This view of myself that i have gets extremely fractured.

I was meant to be a perfect friend but what kind of friend even does the kind of shit that i did to another person?

I'm suppose to be an accomplished driver. Granted, that was only my second week of driving but i've NEVER made a mistake in my life. Not a mistake this costly. It cost my pride because i hit my father's car. My father would never expect such a thing from me... On the other hand, most father's don't exactly plan for the children ramming into another of their cars. But i knew he loved the car more than anything else in the world. And i had to go plow into it like it was a stack of hay. If i didn't know any better, i would have thought that that was some hidden resentment or something coming from deep inside. But hell, i'm so stupid. Full stop.

The situation with my aunt was rather easy. I didn't look at the price properly. Yeaps. Stupid me. I was so engrossed with getting what i wanted. Heh. Look at where it got me. I'm such a bitch, man. Thinking that i'm good and shit when i can turn around and do this.

Then, the latest installment. This mistake. I assumed. They assumed that i've got it together. I'm suppose to be perfect, right? But the only person i let down time and time again is myself.

And that's why i cry, i think. It just devastates me to let me down.

Don't think the above are isolated cases by the way. The tapestry of my sins at this moment would cover 3/4s of the Universe. I remember almost every single mistake that i've committed against anyone. I know when i've hurt you which makes me that much worst.

It seems repetitive isn't it? This topic. But... i suppose hurt emotions don't suddenly stop hurting just because you experience it again.

I'm a bitch. And crying does. not. help.