You know, there's an age in life where you'd seriously think about moving out of the house. After all, over the great big blue ocean, teenagers leave the terrifyingly wide and non-ventilated wings of the mamas and papas and try to make a living in the big bad world. I think... i might be at that point now. Damn.
Yeah, nothing to curse if you're all comfortable with yourself. I don't even feel emotionally stable now that i was thinking, should i move out or commit suicide? One would rid me of my parents for a time being and the next... well, i'll say hi to them in hell if they pass by. Not that i want them to of course. God be willing to grant their souls passage to paradise.
I know for a fact, at this moment that clamping up is just hurting me. Not sharing my feelings cause me to suffer rather alone here on my room in my smelly clothes and unwashed self. Really, i have a feeling that even bathing might not rid me of this taint. I've become rather like poison, y'know? I'd kill you if i have the chance and the funny thing is, i know i can do it. I can hurt people rather easily, emotionally and physically. Even i'm afraid of myself sometimes...
Okay, back to more cheerful and solvable matters. So should i run away from home or kill myself? The second option has a shine to it, y'know? I was walking with the parentals and bro earlier when i realised that i have absolutely no qualms about taking the knife and dragging it across my neck at that moment. I even had this weird sensation that i might laugh but that be too awfully mean. There were kids and i wouldn't want to scar them for life. I'd be worried about my brother anyways. I don't know how he would cope if i commit suicide.
So does that mean run away first then commit suicide? Troublesome... Y'know, the fact that i'm blogging this shows i've probably filed those actions for later. I won't do something i've blogged about! That's crazy!! Most unfortunately, i can't commit suicide. It's a sin. On top of that i still believe in God. Until the day comes that i relinquish all faith in Him, i'm bound onto this world.
Somehow, when i'm at my lowest, my thoughts are rather predictable ne? You curse your chains don't you though a field can you wander with them attached to your wrists?
First i shall admit my faults. I am very grumpy in the morning. "Oooh, is that it?" are you going to ask? No, i'm REALLY grumpy in the morning. Not many people know the right method to waking me up. Most of the time, in the process, i'd snap at you. Like *really* harshly. I think the only one who has effectively woken me up is Ezza and sheel but that might be cause they were my roommates. So, i can't darn well snap at them everytime they try to wake me ne? Darn subconscious with its ulterior motive!! Just in case you think that it's cause they're my friends, i would have to say not really. Izan once accidentally woke me up when i was on a bus with her. She sat beside me and i think she accidentally nudged me. I woke up, glared at her, and shoved her back. Like hard. And then went back to sleep. *note: i'm dangerous*
I'm a nasty person who has the most glaring defects that no doubt chaffes into the thick hides of my family members. You know, like that little goth chick in mary sue and gary stus little home? Something like that. And i can KILL too!! It's like an extra defect. I wonder how short the straw was when i drew it right before my birth?
Yeah, okay so today i woke up with a cloud over my head. Like a nasty cloud. Granted, i slept late. Oops, i mean early. And i guess my parents couldn't take it anymore. My dad started talking about embargos (which i don't know what that means but was too irritated to ask) and curfews around twelve or something like that and my mum going
"Kalau nak bangun jumpe kawan boleh."
looooooooooong pause made to shatter your soul.
"Pukul lima pun boleh."
replay looooooooooooooong pause.
"Kalau jumpe kawan pukul berape pun boleh."
insert looooooooooooooong pause.
"Kalau jumpe kawan boleh bangun."
loooooooooooooooooooong pause.
*sweatdrop*
She was grumbling to herself i think. She was playing her mind games AGAIN! The thing is, you can't feel guilty and resentful at the same time!! That feeling's utter crap! You want to smack the person yet at the same time be a docile little girl. Ouch! Like emotional overload. Hah! Take that you sleepy brain. See? Who told you to snap at people in the morning? Let this be a lesson to your morning grumpiness. Only, i have a feeling i might just stay grumpy in the mornings now to spite them. Heck, it irritated the hell out of my dad and really peeved my mum. Such happiness isn't it?
I guess this is where running away comes in. At least it's better isn't it? I'm saving these people AND me from me.
I just want to clear it up so that on the day of my death, if i do commit suicide or whatever, let those who read this blog bear a certain responsibility. I want the truth to be known. I want my blogs and Confessions to be read by those who know me. Not because of some spiteful telling or anything like that, it's just that... I don't think i want to die with secrets and maybe, yeah, there's that part of me that doesn't want to go out without a bang but, it's painful to keep these inside, all my curses and discontentment when i have sinned on their names.
I was thinking the other day. What if i die? I think the most frustrating part would be that i haven't done anything to mark my existence on this world. Maybe the one thing that i fear above all is to be hated and forgotten. I was also thinking that it would be nice if people cried on the day of my death but, it would be sweeter if they laughed. If they remembered their lives tangled along with mine and be able to continue on tomorrow because they know they had done something yesterday.
My mum said that i was willing to wake up at five just for the sake of meeting my friends, that's true. Only because my friends had aided me much, much more and in the most dire of my times. It isn't because she didn't try, don't get me wrong. It's just that.. I guess she didn't know how. When i want to talk to her about the pains in my life like how suicidal i am or how depressed i can get, she'd give me a lecture on the hardship of life. Of how life was not meant to be easy. You take it the best you can. And you're only responsible for yourself. If you fall, you fall alone, so rise by yourself as well.
I can't expect much help from that corner, but isn't that the same for everything else?
I resent the fact that love today is shown through material possessions. How my father shows he cares is by slipping money into our pockets and eventhough my mum lectures on values, she really can't be there for me when i need her the most because she doesn't have the emotional strength for it and she's much too bitter about the things in life to help a depressed person even more. ^_^;;; My brother is actually quite strong in this sense, but... i might be sapping the life out of him so i shouldn't lean on him that much. Aside from that, he's still growing up... I can't put that much onto him anyways.
I realise that since the first entry, this is my second time i'm talking about family. I think. Hehe.. I guess everyone has interesting imperfections in their families. Mine is probably the same. I can't stay mad at them for long though what my mother had done the last time had damaged our relationship really badly. I wasn't ever close to her but now i see all that she does with a heavy dose of salt with it. Sometimes i wish that i can't 'see' so much. Ignorance is bliss afterall.
Really, you can't compare friends and family and according to the Ustaz at our masjid some guideline-to-the-end-of-the-world entry no. !@# was putting your friends before family.
It's safe to say that he had a nice supportive family. Maybe that comes with the piety. I wouldn't say that i'm unfortunate because in comparison to others, there are worst.
I'm just saying that i can't keep on feeling like this all the time. Until the day i move out of the house, i think the options will remain between these two.
I'm much calmer now. I'm just going to sleep early anyways.
Oh, maybe to clear some confusion up, i should relate the chronology of today's events. My mum kicked me out of bed where i threw a hissy fit. We got into the car after bathing and all that, (me with my sour face), statement exchange in the car on the way to OU, me contemplating suicide in OU then, after awhile things calmed down.
Yeah. That was what happened. I should really be more systematic with my way of thinking but i don't usually blog with intricate details. Anyways, let's hope things are cool. let's hope i run away, get a new house or die soon.
Nope, that was not a prayer. It's wishful thinking.
Peace unto the world.
Ja'!!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Rindu...
You know... i'm really sleepy at the moment... but, i guess this is my last effort to shake off this feeling of nostalgia that's plaguing me. Haha!! Nostalgia feels old. I would say more off... rindu. ^_^
Sometimes, i'm really happy that not that many people know this blog exists.
I went back to melaka last weekend, which was really yesterday and the two days before. I was really excited. My reason, or so i told everyone was reunion. But the real cause of my excitement was just seeing my friends, was just wanting to hang out with them. I know, darn emotional isn't it? And yes, this is another entry about my life in MMU. I'm starting to think i should change the title... XD but i think the reason i place this here would be because i have no one else to talk to about it. I recognize the nature of my problem and can tell everyone the elements of it but to talk about this emotion and expect people to understand... well, that'd just need someone who was there or knows these people. Haha!! I'm thinking of the ridiculousness of the situation.
Anyways, we went back for the battle of the bands. Our good buds the Celestial Beans were playing. It's a band consisting of Adie, Zha zha, Faiz and Afiq with the three former handling the guitar and Afiq manning the drums. I won't exactly tell you how the whole event went. I think they maxed out the speakers when there is a strict dB control for the crowd but heck, we're teenagers. We like overexcessive amount of abuse =P Basically, when someone plays metallica, you wouldn't want to stand near the speakers unless you're an avid fan of it. I think the music's cool, but music without lyrics that i can decipher is just.... weird. Like funny weird.
Out of ten bands i think at least two or three played this sorta music so... i'm kinda deaf now. And mute. I was yelling so loud that even my buds' were looking at me weirdly. =P I think i just wanted to lose myself in the music and have a good time. And a good time, for a member of the digital surround sound = noise.
It was cool seeing CB, Thrivant, even News at 11 playing again cause this sorta thing is really missing from the monash team. Monash is prestigious and stuff, but their music scene's sorta low. Either that or i never felt the need to take notice of it. After all, i only started going to the college bands in MMU cause my friends were in it. CB did fine. I mean, they're improving and it's one step at a time. They were much better than last time though the sound balance was a little off. I'd blame the sound guy but, it's in the past. Anyway, they've had this problem before. I think it might be that Zha zha's voice is low so it's easy to be swallowed up by any other sound. That includes the crowd if they get rowdy. I dunno... is it possible for yea to sing the same note from the stomach with the same tone? I dunno if that works or if anyone even wants to go through such a ridiculous either, but scrap that. Anyways, i'm only bystander whose knowledge in music is suspiciously close to zilch, so that's that.
THRIVANT WON!!!!!!!!!! Yays! The happiness and gaiety. I'd expect it. They were so good! Yeah, real descruptive but y'know me. Master of words. I really missed seeing them perform that truth be told, i couldn't care if they won or lost. I just wanted to SEE them. Hahahahahaha!! Did i tell yea? Dimas was a part of the thrivant!!!!!!! I was exceited to see that cause he was our old classmate and there he was manning the drums. I dunno, there's something about your old mates making music together that seems sweet. I don't know two members of the band though... The only ones i know are Adie (yes, the rascal plays in two bands), Dimas and Apek. But, we've been following them since MMU last year though Dimas wasn't drummer for them then.
It was a cool night. It was no My Chemical Romance or anything like that, but seeing familiars do their thing on stage is 100x better than established bands. Huhu... listen to the sentimental old hag.
It was greatest seeing sheel. Cause i really missed her. And Ezza's really sweet. I mean yeah i knew that last year but, i really, really believe it this time around. She knows when you need company that's for sure. Ihsan rocks too... I mean, it was really nice of him to get bullied by four girls into going left and right when he has an assignment, a presentation and a paper coming up in the next few days. Sheel too sacrificed her time which... i should feel guilty for but, the guilt isn't choking me... Cause i wanted to see them so much, i would have done it at a funeral even (yes, i'm heartless =P).
We didn't get to see the band mates much though that would have been sweet. Some drama's unfolding in the back scene but that doesn't involve me so i don't think i'll blog about it. Whatever it is, i hope their friendship stays firm. It's easier said than done i know. It's really bad when you're willing to forget old friends just for the sake of new ones or just dump them aside maybe cause you feel different around them. I've avoided my friends before, when i feel that we're spending too much time so it's a little stifling but, most of the time, when that happens, i'd tell them. It's necessary for them to know the reason for my actions so they won't feel like they're at fault or that there's something heavily amiss somewhere...
Oh, did i mention that K5, Sam and all spent their time with us too? OMG!!!! It was sooooo cool!!!!!!!!! Suzy was the best cause i wasn't that close to him but i rode in his car most of the time and he's really cool. I mean, you can say much and it really slides by him. I hope i didn't irritate him though, though he was really sweet about it. I mean, he sent us back to Cyber and stuff without a single complaint. They're angels man.
It was a real reunion or as much you can get la in that short precious seconds we had.
Altogether, the trip was too brief but i think it succeeded in doing what i hoped it would do; make our friendship stronger. We shouldn't forget our friends just because they moved a little away ne? But, i think this preach wouldn't be that easy to practice cause you can't control the priorities of your mind.
Okay, on to the next part. Or maybe i should say.... Him? Whoa! He gets a capital letter!!! I guess when you're a girl and laddi da di da. Oh bloody hell i don't take this as particularly positive. I;m only thankful that we go to seperate campuses now. Okay, before you think that he's a total asshole, he isn't. It's harsh when you realize that you're still carrying your feelings with you. It was a year. A whole year and that still haven't died. The last time i saw him, it was just like 'Brother!!!!' sorta thing y'know? I was so ready to move on. This so wasn't worth my time. Until i saw him again on this trip and i was like, 'what? wait, did i miss something. Something's weird...' Sometimes i really hate being a girl cause you're a pansy and sensitive and stuff.
I don't think he should die though. It's really frustrating that i miss him so much, i would be willing to trek to MMU to see him now even if possible. I could have. But i won't. Hell, i'm stronger than any emotion. I know for a fact that i don't get over any of my crushes easily. Okay, maybe any that had made it a fraction past the first stage easily. I would say that this crush nearly blew off the third level away. So, that might be why the emotion's still strong.
It makes more sense to ride it than to fight it but, there are various reasons that should be taken to caution. As much as i want to be spontaneous, having him hurt would be the last of my emotions that i want to indulge in. And maybe that's what i fear, i guess. That if there is anything there, he might be hurt as an outcome of it. Cause, i think, when i love, i don't let go. Not even for a fraction of an inch. That's the same with conditional and unconditional love.
I think i might read some fan fiction to get over this, but i think that's what this whole entry is about. Haha!! Took me quite awhile to articulate isn't it?
Anyways, having dreams infested with his face wouldn't be too joyful for me at the moment. I wish my mind's camera would do more than provide my best buds with cameo appearences but you can't give your head authority. I'm gonna pray that i get some Neji in my dreams now. At least that i don't mind indulging in.
Anyways, that's all i have to say.
May tomorrow be better =D
Nites!
Sometimes, i'm really happy that not that many people know this blog exists.
I went back to melaka last weekend, which was really yesterday and the two days before. I was really excited. My reason, or so i told everyone was reunion. But the real cause of my excitement was just seeing my friends, was just wanting to hang out with them. I know, darn emotional isn't it? And yes, this is another entry about my life in MMU. I'm starting to think i should change the title... XD but i think the reason i place this here would be because i have no one else to talk to about it. I recognize the nature of my problem and can tell everyone the elements of it but to talk about this emotion and expect people to understand... well, that'd just need someone who was there or knows these people. Haha!! I'm thinking of the ridiculousness of the situation.
Anyways, we went back for the battle of the bands. Our good buds the Celestial Beans were playing. It's a band consisting of Adie, Zha zha, Faiz and Afiq with the three former handling the guitar and Afiq manning the drums. I won't exactly tell you how the whole event went. I think they maxed out the speakers when there is a strict dB control for the crowd but heck, we're teenagers. We like overexcessive amount of abuse =P Basically, when someone plays metallica, you wouldn't want to stand near the speakers unless you're an avid fan of it. I think the music's cool, but music without lyrics that i can decipher is just.... weird. Like funny weird.
Out of ten bands i think at least two or three played this sorta music so... i'm kinda deaf now. And mute. I was yelling so loud that even my buds' were looking at me weirdly. =P I think i just wanted to lose myself in the music and have a good time. And a good time, for a member of the digital surround sound = noise.
It was cool seeing CB, Thrivant, even News at 11 playing again cause this sorta thing is really missing from the monash team. Monash is prestigious and stuff, but their music scene's sorta low. Either that or i never felt the need to take notice of it. After all, i only started going to the college bands in MMU cause my friends were in it. CB did fine. I mean, they're improving and it's one step at a time. They were much better than last time though the sound balance was a little off. I'd blame the sound guy but, it's in the past. Anyway, they've had this problem before. I think it might be that Zha zha's voice is low so it's easy to be swallowed up by any other sound. That includes the crowd if they get rowdy. I dunno... is it possible for yea to sing the same note from the stomach with the same tone? I dunno if that works or if anyone even wants to go through such a ridiculous either, but scrap that. Anyways, i'm only bystander whose knowledge in music is suspiciously close to zilch, so that's that.
THRIVANT WON!!!!!!!!!! Yays! The happiness and gaiety. I'd expect it. They were so good! Yeah, real descruptive but y'know me. Master of words. I really missed seeing them perform that truth be told, i couldn't care if they won or lost. I just wanted to SEE them. Hahahahahaha!! Did i tell yea? Dimas was a part of the thrivant!!!!!!! I was exceited to see that cause he was our old classmate and there he was manning the drums. I dunno, there's something about your old mates making music together that seems sweet. I don't know two members of the band though... The only ones i know are Adie (yes, the rascal plays in two bands), Dimas and Apek. But, we've been following them since MMU last year though Dimas wasn't drummer for them then.
It was a cool night. It was no My Chemical Romance or anything like that, but seeing familiars do their thing on stage is 100x better than established bands. Huhu... listen to the sentimental old hag.
It was greatest seeing sheel. Cause i really missed her. And Ezza's really sweet. I mean yeah i knew that last year but, i really, really believe it this time around. She knows when you need company that's for sure. Ihsan rocks too... I mean, it was really nice of him to get bullied by four girls into going left and right when he has an assignment, a presentation and a paper coming up in the next few days. Sheel too sacrificed her time which... i should feel guilty for but, the guilt isn't choking me... Cause i wanted to see them so much, i would have done it at a funeral even (yes, i'm heartless =P).
We didn't get to see the band mates much though that would have been sweet. Some drama's unfolding in the back scene but that doesn't involve me so i don't think i'll blog about it. Whatever it is, i hope their friendship stays firm. It's easier said than done i know. It's really bad when you're willing to forget old friends just for the sake of new ones or just dump them aside maybe cause you feel different around them. I've avoided my friends before, when i feel that we're spending too much time so it's a little stifling but, most of the time, when that happens, i'd tell them. It's necessary for them to know the reason for my actions so they won't feel like they're at fault or that there's something heavily amiss somewhere...
Oh, did i mention that K5, Sam and all spent their time with us too? OMG!!!! It was sooooo cool!!!!!!!!! Suzy was the best cause i wasn't that close to him but i rode in his car most of the time and he's really cool. I mean, you can say much and it really slides by him. I hope i didn't irritate him though, though he was really sweet about it. I mean, he sent us back to Cyber and stuff without a single complaint. They're angels man.
It was a real reunion or as much you can get la in that short precious seconds we had.
Altogether, the trip was too brief but i think it succeeded in doing what i hoped it would do; make our friendship stronger. We shouldn't forget our friends just because they moved a little away ne? But, i think this preach wouldn't be that easy to practice cause you can't control the priorities of your mind.
Okay, on to the next part. Or maybe i should say.... Him? Whoa! He gets a capital letter!!! I guess when you're a girl and laddi da di da. Oh bloody hell i don't take this as particularly positive. I;m only thankful that we go to seperate campuses now. Okay, before you think that he's a total asshole, he isn't. It's harsh when you realize that you're still carrying your feelings with you. It was a year. A whole year and that still haven't died. The last time i saw him, it was just like 'Brother!!!!' sorta thing y'know? I was so ready to move on. This so wasn't worth my time. Until i saw him again on this trip and i was like, 'what? wait, did i miss something. Something's weird...' Sometimes i really hate being a girl cause you're a pansy and sensitive and stuff.
I don't think he should die though. It's really frustrating that i miss him so much, i would be willing to trek to MMU to see him now even if possible. I could have. But i won't. Hell, i'm stronger than any emotion. I know for a fact that i don't get over any of my crushes easily. Okay, maybe any that had made it a fraction past the first stage easily. I would say that this crush nearly blew off the third level away. So, that might be why the emotion's still strong.
It makes more sense to ride it than to fight it but, there are various reasons that should be taken to caution. As much as i want to be spontaneous, having him hurt would be the last of my emotions that i want to indulge in. And maybe that's what i fear, i guess. That if there is anything there, he might be hurt as an outcome of it. Cause, i think, when i love, i don't let go. Not even for a fraction of an inch. That's the same with conditional and unconditional love.
I think i might read some fan fiction to get over this, but i think that's what this whole entry is about. Haha!! Took me quite awhile to articulate isn't it?
Anyways, having dreams infested with his face wouldn't be too joyful for me at the moment. I wish my mind's camera would do more than provide my best buds with cameo appearences but you can't give your head authority. I'm gonna pray that i get some Neji in my dreams now. At least that i don't mind indulging in.
Anyways, that's all i have to say.
May tomorrow be better =D
Nites!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Hello!
It's been long since i've updated, ne? I realised, well, rather breifly if ever any of my recent friends do get a hold of this address, all they'd find would be my post-high school years. Not a mistake but rather sad to think that my life began after the living hell of teenager-dom. *sigh* on the other hand, maybe i should take that back. In comparison to the spitting flames in others mine was more of this small firecracker that just keeps going off at the oddest moment.
Things happened then that you think aren't so bad now. Or, in my case it was more of how strong we were. I was. Haha!! I can't be coherent on this. I think, somehow i'm living so much in the past that nohing in the present excites me anymore. Yeah, i can still be obsessed or overly happy when i see Neji but in the whole? Suddenly i'm finding it troublesome to make friends with others which is frustrating.
I enjoy their company but the sheer calculation involved before meeting them or the need to impress them becomes such a false mask and it parasites on the skin. The mask turns not into something of beauty, i can say. It is just so much politics at the beginning of the road, even before chancing upon the gate. It just feels so tiring.
It wasn't how it was before, that's for sure. Somehow evolving from not caring to caring too much... in a way it feels like somethings missing rather than something being gained. My self-confidence which just flows out the door. I say flow rather than flew as it seems more gradual than sudden.
I think i understand now, women's obsesssion with how they look. I suppose my sister is the flower and i am nothing but the stem. I would love to be the root, really rather than the flower but, i am not that either. When comparisons such as this is done, and everyone pitches in their ten cents, it not only hurts but becomes this irritating whine that you wish to destroy. Only i know why they do it. It isn't because of me. If your daughter is the size of a cow, what would you care? It's her life. Perhaps only if her sugar level's high then it becomes a cause for concern.
It's because it is also a mask that you wear. I can see how much of what we do is to impress the opposite party and i become angry, irritated, in a simpler word, pissed that this is done. Not only because it hurts me but it degrades you to hand the power over to the other. But do i not do the same? Am i not a victim of these daily politics?
We went on a short vacation for a while a few days ago. It was quite refreshing to tell you the truth. Aside from my mom getting her needed rest, i got a lot of things done. Haha! Not saving the world stuff, mind you. It was simple things like drawing and writing. Completed a chapter at least of two of my fics though i think they need to be refined further. I tend to forget the description of rooms and movements and such when a conversation is going on but i should place it in anyways. It needs to be saturated with such.
I'm gonna talk a little about my art course now. I don't regret taking it. As a matter of fact, i don't see myself doing anything else besides this. The art course is harder. Much harder than IT had been or at least to me it is. I could have easily chosen pharmacy to go into but anything other than this would have been... futile. I don't place any money on destiny but, this road feels right.
But a problem keeps on coming in the form of decisions. What if i don't want to save the world? Would anyone understand that? What if all i want is to make people happy? Because that is my goal isn't it? By writing so that you can appreciate that there is a certain morbid beauty about this world and that even if you struggle so hard to make the next move, move you will. When you get out of your sofa or couch or chair or even bed in the morning or even think, it is a miracle because, in a way, you haven't given up on hope.
Am i just speaking nonsense?
Haha! Back from lala land. I just hope that i can retain my ties with my friends. Without feeling it to be something so strained, a single whiff of wind would cause it to snap...
It's been long since i've updated, ne? I realised, well, rather breifly if ever any of my recent friends do get a hold of this address, all they'd find would be my post-high school years. Not a mistake but rather sad to think that my life began after the living hell of teenager-dom. *sigh* on the other hand, maybe i should take that back. In comparison to the spitting flames in others mine was more of this small firecracker that just keeps going off at the oddest moment.
Things happened then that you think aren't so bad now. Or, in my case it was more of how strong we were. I was. Haha!! I can't be coherent on this. I think, somehow i'm living so much in the past that nohing in the present excites me anymore. Yeah, i can still be obsessed or overly happy when i see Neji but in the whole? Suddenly i'm finding it troublesome to make friends with others which is frustrating.
I enjoy their company but the sheer calculation involved before meeting them or the need to impress them becomes such a false mask and it parasites on the skin. The mask turns not into something of beauty, i can say. It is just so much politics at the beginning of the road, even before chancing upon the gate. It just feels so tiring.
It wasn't how it was before, that's for sure. Somehow evolving from not caring to caring too much... in a way it feels like somethings missing rather than something being gained. My self-confidence which just flows out the door. I say flow rather than flew as it seems more gradual than sudden.
I think i understand now, women's obsesssion with how they look. I suppose my sister is the flower and i am nothing but the stem. I would love to be the root, really rather than the flower but, i am not that either. When comparisons such as this is done, and everyone pitches in their ten cents, it not only hurts but becomes this irritating whine that you wish to destroy. Only i know why they do it. It isn't because of me. If your daughter is the size of a cow, what would you care? It's her life. Perhaps only if her sugar level's high then it becomes a cause for concern.
It's because it is also a mask that you wear. I can see how much of what we do is to impress the opposite party and i become angry, irritated, in a simpler word, pissed that this is done. Not only because it hurts me but it degrades you to hand the power over to the other. But do i not do the same? Am i not a victim of these daily politics?
We went on a short vacation for a while a few days ago. It was quite refreshing to tell you the truth. Aside from my mom getting her needed rest, i got a lot of things done. Haha! Not saving the world stuff, mind you. It was simple things like drawing and writing. Completed a chapter at least of two of my fics though i think they need to be refined further. I tend to forget the description of rooms and movements and such when a conversation is going on but i should place it in anyways. It needs to be saturated with such.
I'm gonna talk a little about my art course now. I don't regret taking it. As a matter of fact, i don't see myself doing anything else besides this. The art course is harder. Much harder than IT had been or at least to me it is. I could have easily chosen pharmacy to go into but anything other than this would have been... futile. I don't place any money on destiny but, this road feels right.
But a problem keeps on coming in the form of decisions. What if i don't want to save the world? Would anyone understand that? What if all i want is to make people happy? Because that is my goal isn't it? By writing so that you can appreciate that there is a certain morbid beauty about this world and that even if you struggle so hard to make the next move, move you will. When you get out of your sofa or couch or chair or even bed in the morning or even think, it is a miracle because, in a way, you haven't given up on hope.
Am i just speaking nonsense?
Haha! Back from lala land. I just hope that i can retain my ties with my friends. Without feeling it to be something so strained, a single whiff of wind would cause it to snap...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
I don't know who's reading this, but at the moment, i don't for the life of me care. I wanted to say 'fuck' but, of course. Whatever. Stupid brain censor. This won't end up on the net anyway. God has some amazing stroke with luck that whenever i really do pour the depths of my heart, it never ends anywhere.
I'm stupid. I survived too long on my own, so strong on my own, or so i believe. Did you know i feel invincible now? I feel like i can't be hurt. But that's only on the outside. My inside burns. It's decaying. And still i try not to feel. It's stupid.
I call too many people. Turn to so many people for help. Bitch. I should face life on my own. But this is what happens to me. I die inside. I hate this.
It isn't a feeling of unworthiness but the feeling of absolute worthiness. Almost like i really deserve to be a part of human race. We know i don't. Humanity has never accepted me. I hate myself.
I should die.
I'm stupid. I survived too long on my own, so strong on my own, or so i believe. Did you know i feel invincible now? I feel like i can't be hurt. But that's only on the outside. My inside burns. It's decaying. And still i try not to feel. It's stupid.
I call too many people. Turn to so many people for help. Bitch. I should face life on my own. But this is what happens to me. I die inside. I hate this.
It isn't a feeling of unworthiness but the feeling of absolute worthiness. Almost like i really deserve to be a part of human race. We know i don't. Humanity has never accepted me. I hate myself.
I should die.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Indecisive
Hello!!
Long time no see. Yeah. I really should be in bed by now but, since i just ate and stuff. Hmm.... i have a few questions in my head. Not the important sort, mind you. Stuff that is in regards to myself which really isn't what i should be thinking about at this moment. I'm suppose to figure out my studies. Where i stand, bla bla bla. That sorta stuff. I have no idea where i'm getting this bimbo vibe from, but, seriously, it's taking over my head. I've been spacing out too much these few days especially in class when it's necessary to pay attention. It seems when my head isn't in the game, that's when the head coach is asking me to throw some beautiful curve balls.
Numero uno, i know what this course is about... i think.... No, that wasn't a note of doubt that you spotted. I'm still understanding the course but being surrounded by people who have a natural aptitude for the subject AND throw in my latest state of mind in the pitch what you get REALLY screwed ball game. Not to mention assignment's next week and the only progress i've achieved is that my panic levels are higher. Right. Not to mention that every step of the way i'm rethinking my steps though those thoughts remain a silhouette.
I know this is what i want to do that i fear being AFRAID of failure isn't allowing me to move forward.
In this course you need originality. An understanding and a good grasp of self. I'm shutting the whole world out to find myself inside but i feel like i'm grasping at nothingness. In the midst of this high, i feel like i've become intangible, yet, i exist in the exact same moment.
I think it's related to culture shock and the fact that this environment is very much different from what i had before but, that also might be my shield towards adjustment. I'm forcing myself to hide because of? I'm still trying to figure me out as i'm trying to figure the subject out. But, i'm so worried about myself that i'm not allowing me free reign to let my mind roam. Because i know i can do this. I might not be as talented as others but, i have my own questions to ask. Yes, they're small town questions. It's a rather pessimistic and sad outlook on life. My questions in journalism connecting much to the human discovery and stuff that are unimportant. And to a cetain point, it even reaches a black. I DO NOT know what to question!!
Humans have plenty to ask that the above statement should be impossible... I'm afraid of something.
In the course before this, everything came naturally. It was a path that i've walked down and the street signs are so familiar that i know the route though i've never been there before. This is a new street and though my heart tugs in a certain direction. My mind is saying wait. And my heart is asking, what for?
Long time no see. Yeah. I really should be in bed by now but, since i just ate and stuff. Hmm.... i have a few questions in my head. Not the important sort, mind you. Stuff that is in regards to myself which really isn't what i should be thinking about at this moment. I'm suppose to figure out my studies. Where i stand, bla bla bla. That sorta stuff. I have no idea where i'm getting this bimbo vibe from, but, seriously, it's taking over my head. I've been spacing out too much these few days especially in class when it's necessary to pay attention. It seems when my head isn't in the game, that's when the head coach is asking me to throw some beautiful curve balls.
Numero uno, i know what this course is about... i think.... No, that wasn't a note of doubt that you spotted. I'm still understanding the course but being surrounded by people who have a natural aptitude for the subject AND throw in my latest state of mind in the pitch what you get REALLY screwed ball game. Not to mention assignment's next week and the only progress i've achieved is that my panic levels are higher. Right. Not to mention that every step of the way i'm rethinking my steps though those thoughts remain a silhouette.
I know this is what i want to do that i fear being AFRAID of failure isn't allowing me to move forward.
In this course you need originality. An understanding and a good grasp of self. I'm shutting the whole world out to find myself inside but i feel like i'm grasping at nothingness. In the midst of this high, i feel like i've become intangible, yet, i exist in the exact same moment.
I think it's related to culture shock and the fact that this environment is very much different from what i had before but, that also might be my shield towards adjustment. I'm forcing myself to hide because of? I'm still trying to figure me out as i'm trying to figure the subject out. But, i'm so worried about myself that i'm not allowing me free reign to let my mind roam. Because i know i can do this. I might not be as talented as others but, i have my own questions to ask. Yes, they're small town questions. It's a rather pessimistic and sad outlook on life. My questions in journalism connecting much to the human discovery and stuff that are unimportant. And to a cetain point, it even reaches a black. I DO NOT know what to question!!
Humans have plenty to ask that the above statement should be impossible... I'm afraid of something.
In the course before this, everything came naturally. It was a path that i've walked down and the street signs are so familiar that i know the route though i've never been there before. This is a new street and though my heart tugs in a certain direction. My mind is saying wait. And my heart is asking, what for?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Step One
Yo.
Haha. It's been a long time i suppose since i've made an entry in this blog. Actually, i was thinking of updating the other blog instead of this but... well, i haven't been here since a bit so... Haha....
In case you're thinking that there was some drama due to the update, you're wrong. Was just thinking of documenting my life for the moment, seeing as, in the years to come, chances of me feeling as i do in this exact moment is slim.
This is, i suppose, the transitional stage. I'm quite used to the lifestyle in MMU that, i belief a shred of it still exists within me. No. I'm wrong. I'll never be able to wipe the MMU side of me only because i have become fond of those there. I have learned much from them that, i suppose to live life as if they never existed would not only be unethical on my part but impossible. The life there was always conquered by the social ladder and, i do feel the pressure from my new uni a little but, considering i have the chance to return home and recharge, it doesn't affect me in any serious way. I think it's better this way. I made some new friends. What i can say is, people in my new uni differ very very much from the ones in MMU. I won't be biased but, if you know me, you'll know my opinion. Screw it if it seems biased to you.
They remind me of my Assuntarian mates, somewhat but that might be because the people i've befriended are so far eighty percent guys. Yeah, i stick to the female clan. They're far more trustworthy than the opposite sex. Lesson learnt. Haih, there i go again with my generalisation. It's a bane to remain objective, not that i don't. Just that, if you want to say something, you have to watch your words really carefully... The most troublesome part in my course is that most people are awaiting to prove their point. Yes, i have met those souls who are much better at implementing and recieving ideas but most would force theirs upon you. I've had brushes with such people before and as a result, i life my walls higher. Eventhough your point sticks mine right in the butt, it won't be a satisfactory debate. I prefer talking to people who would listen but.... i'd never know if i'll turn into one of those people one day...
My anger is fading. I duno... When i was starting, there seem to be various problems blocking the way. Parents, financial, social insecurity sometimes it takes a lot for me to remember that i'm here to study. I'm here to do what i want and not what others have in store for me. It's hard for me to tell myself tht my expectations aren't so high. I should remember to enjoy myself as well as do well in the courses. It's gonna be a bumpy ride but, i'm going to give it my all. Life isn't all about studying. I know that. It isn't completely about socializing either. Monash seems to be full of parties and stuff that, for a moment i feel pressured to go but... that's only me. In truth, no one is asking me to head down that road. It's... what? Culture shock?
During these times, i'd just tell myself to step back. Observe my choices and make the decision that rings true with me. Being back home does help... I get the itch to write more than once but... somehow i've with held myself fromacting upon it... Sometimes, it might be due to the fact that my language was not as proficient as it once was.... Terey has only become a figment of my imagination and... it seems that i tire of bringing her into the real world... I want her to be here but... i do not know how to go about it.... I really need to work on this...
I need to decide what i want.
Only i wonder... would forcing yourself to cough up the answer work? Or is it better to allow fate run its course?
Just as an after post, i'm seriously not biased. I might make harsh judgements but i know the diplomatic answers to everything. Hate me if you want. But hate me with a reason. That it. Ja'
Haha. It's been a long time i suppose since i've made an entry in this blog. Actually, i was thinking of updating the other blog instead of this but... well, i haven't been here since a bit so... Haha....
In case you're thinking that there was some drama due to the update, you're wrong. Was just thinking of documenting my life for the moment, seeing as, in the years to come, chances of me feeling as i do in this exact moment is slim.
This is, i suppose, the transitional stage. I'm quite used to the lifestyle in MMU that, i belief a shred of it still exists within me. No. I'm wrong. I'll never be able to wipe the MMU side of me only because i have become fond of those there. I have learned much from them that, i suppose to live life as if they never existed would not only be unethical on my part but impossible. The life there was always conquered by the social ladder and, i do feel the pressure from my new uni a little but, considering i have the chance to return home and recharge, it doesn't affect me in any serious way. I think it's better this way. I made some new friends. What i can say is, people in my new uni differ very very much from the ones in MMU. I won't be biased but, if you know me, you'll know my opinion. Screw it if it seems biased to you.
They remind me of my Assuntarian mates, somewhat but that might be because the people i've befriended are so far eighty percent guys. Yeah, i stick to the female clan. They're far more trustworthy than the opposite sex. Lesson learnt. Haih, there i go again with my generalisation. It's a bane to remain objective, not that i don't. Just that, if you want to say something, you have to watch your words really carefully... The most troublesome part in my course is that most people are awaiting to prove their point. Yes, i have met those souls who are much better at implementing and recieving ideas but most would force theirs upon you. I've had brushes with such people before and as a result, i life my walls higher. Eventhough your point sticks mine right in the butt, it won't be a satisfactory debate. I prefer talking to people who would listen but.... i'd never know if i'll turn into one of those people one day...
My anger is fading. I duno... When i was starting, there seem to be various problems blocking the way. Parents, financial, social insecurity sometimes it takes a lot for me to remember that i'm here to study. I'm here to do what i want and not what others have in store for me. It's hard for me to tell myself tht my expectations aren't so high. I should remember to enjoy myself as well as do well in the courses. It's gonna be a bumpy ride but, i'm going to give it my all. Life isn't all about studying. I know that. It isn't completely about socializing either. Monash seems to be full of parties and stuff that, for a moment i feel pressured to go but... that's only me. In truth, no one is asking me to head down that road. It's... what? Culture shock?
During these times, i'd just tell myself to step back. Observe my choices and make the decision that rings true with me. Being back home does help... I get the itch to write more than once but... somehow i've with held myself fromacting upon it... Sometimes, it might be due to the fact that my language was not as proficient as it once was.... Terey has only become a figment of my imagination and... it seems that i tire of bringing her into the real world... I want her to be here but... i do not know how to go about it.... I really need to work on this...
I need to decide what i want.
Only i wonder... would forcing yourself to cough up the answer work? Or is it better to allow fate run its course?
Just as an after post, i'm seriously not biased. I might make harsh judgements but i know the diplomatic answers to everything. Hate me if you want. But hate me with a reason. That it. Ja'
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Keys of friendship
Yo~!!
Haha... i'm back here again aren't i? I hate myself... In the duration of this whole week, many things had occured. Haha. It might only be a domino effect from the heart-to-heart during the last weekends.
A friend of mine seems to hate me. Or something like that. I made myself agree that it doesn't matter how deep a friendship is. It is considered as friendship but... then.... even here the hierarchy of friendship is apparent. No. I take that back... i was never comparing it with anything else. The hierarchy of friendship in Assunta was never as blatant as this. The thorough desire to be with someone else.... for me it doesn't make sense. Yes, i do realise that my face lights up when a certain person is around or even at the call of my assu-mates but... this direct comparison breeds illness in my soul.
As an effect, my self-esteem plunges. As if it was not enough that my parents nicely and politely (yes, they are masters of language as well) told me that i wasn't worthy. Nah. They didn't say it. But that was what they made me feel like. The ultimate hatred towards my own soul, thrown back at me. Coupled with my friends recent show of sudden anger or coldness in my direction.... i don't know.... i did respond with anger as well. Haha!! I have not mastered the art of Control yet. But.... in their company... it was the same as it was in the first sem. I realize that i am ULTIMATE BOREDOM to be around with. Yeah, i'm that geek that if you need anything done, you come to but otherwise... sure you invite me for dinner and stuff (i never said they were mean) but it's just the acknowledgement that, you know, i suck.
I'm not one who brings the waves. Truth be told, i do not want to be. I have other things to worry about at the moment, so pretending to be cheerful isn't exactly at the top of my list. Hating me is understandable. Heck, even i hate myself. But hating me with no basis just brings confusion and frankly, pisses me off. I KNOW why i hate myself. I can list and trail every single reason why and show you. Sure, you might agree... or not that is completely up to you but if your hatred is genuine and not due to some hung up emotions towards some other people then you should be able to list your own thoughts, no?
I'm trapped somewhere between being completely self-indignant and completely utterly being destroyed by this turn of friendship. It's obvious that no one wants to be around me so... to save their sorry hides i should just back off right? I mean if you're a plague and you know you can kill people, the first thought would be to take your own life isn't it? But, at this bottom of the rut, i seriously do not feel like indulging in the thoughts of suicide. Haha. Done it too much i shold have died. But i didn't. Though death feels so much like a salvation. I should be dead. I should die. Someone should kill me. That is how fate is suppose to go. I should have never even been born for heaven's sake. But God probably brought me into this world for a reason. Too bad no one seems to know what that is.
There are those whose hands are capable of destruction as well as healing. Mine leans more towards destruction. I've hurt more than i've healed. I've killed and none who lay bleeding on the ground have ever rise. It is right, isn't it? For them to hate me?
I won't even talk about my writing here. Damn pissed off with myself. Hmm... maybe that's why their hatred is affecting me. Coupled with my own state of mind, i'm trying not to break me into pieces. I should have died.
At some point in my life, i think i missed a bus. A bus that was headed somewhere i really wish to go to...
Haha... i'm back here again aren't i? I hate myself... In the duration of this whole week, many things had occured. Haha. It might only be a domino effect from the heart-to-heart during the last weekends.
A friend of mine seems to hate me. Or something like that. I made myself agree that it doesn't matter how deep a friendship is. It is considered as friendship but... then.... even here the hierarchy of friendship is apparent. No. I take that back... i was never comparing it with anything else. The hierarchy of friendship in Assunta was never as blatant as this. The thorough desire to be with someone else.... for me it doesn't make sense. Yes, i do realise that my face lights up when a certain person is around or even at the call of my assu-mates but... this direct comparison breeds illness in my soul.
As an effect, my self-esteem plunges. As if it was not enough that my parents nicely and politely (yes, they are masters of language as well) told me that i wasn't worthy. Nah. They didn't say it. But that was what they made me feel like. The ultimate hatred towards my own soul, thrown back at me. Coupled with my friends recent show of sudden anger or coldness in my direction.... i don't know.... i did respond with anger as well. Haha!! I have not mastered the art of Control yet. But.... in their company... it was the same as it was in the first sem. I realize that i am ULTIMATE BOREDOM to be around with. Yeah, i'm that geek that if you need anything done, you come to but otherwise... sure you invite me for dinner and stuff (i never said they were mean) but it's just the acknowledgement that, you know, i suck.
I'm not one who brings the waves. Truth be told, i do not want to be. I have other things to worry about at the moment, so pretending to be cheerful isn't exactly at the top of my list. Hating me is understandable. Heck, even i hate myself. But hating me with no basis just brings confusion and frankly, pisses me off. I KNOW why i hate myself. I can list and trail every single reason why and show you. Sure, you might agree... or not that is completely up to you but if your hatred is genuine and not due to some hung up emotions towards some other people then you should be able to list your own thoughts, no?
I'm trapped somewhere between being completely self-indignant and completely utterly being destroyed by this turn of friendship. It's obvious that no one wants to be around me so... to save their sorry hides i should just back off right? I mean if you're a plague and you know you can kill people, the first thought would be to take your own life isn't it? But, at this bottom of the rut, i seriously do not feel like indulging in the thoughts of suicide. Haha. Done it too much i shold have died. But i didn't. Though death feels so much like a salvation. I should be dead. I should die. Someone should kill me. That is how fate is suppose to go. I should have never even been born for heaven's sake. But God probably brought me into this world for a reason. Too bad no one seems to know what that is.
There are those whose hands are capable of destruction as well as healing. Mine leans more towards destruction. I've hurt more than i've healed. I've killed and none who lay bleeding on the ground have ever rise. It is right, isn't it? For them to hate me?
I won't even talk about my writing here. Damn pissed off with myself. Hmm... maybe that's why their hatred is affecting me. Coupled with my own state of mind, i'm trying not to break me into pieces. I should have died.
At some point in my life, i think i missed a bus. A bus that was headed somewhere i really wish to go to...
Friday, May 4, 2007
Just a little questionnare...
Here's a survey that i was supposed to have done for friendster. But... i thought i'd post it here instead. The world's way too young to know what i'm thinking about so... hehe. Here it is... But... now that i'm thinking about it, i think i might display it in friendster. Though perhaps a tamer version of what i really have to say. I wish to paste this and another side by side to compare my real thoughts. Haha. Boredom abound, here they are:
Sample 1
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. err... Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
no comment. i can make it through this. yes, i can. =S
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!!
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither?
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi... My soulmates ^_^ and fuji too. hehehehe.
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe.
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too...
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the lst vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!!
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often ^_^ .i can break this.
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now?
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my songs ^_^
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
And here's sample 2:
Still haven't posted the darn thing in friendster. Anyways, honest post hai-yah!! Btw, some of the answers are the same because, they ARE the same. Kay?
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. Heehee... i am back home so... whatever... song is, Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
someone.
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!! so self-delusional that they might. Hehe...
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither? as shows as well as advisors. Got a little angel right by my side ^_^ oh, and handphones.
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi. They're my soulmates. My brother, my cat. The certain someone didn't make it here though... cause i'm not that comfortable around him yet, i guess... or i'd never be... haih, nevermind... NEXT!!
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe. It depends very much on how stressed i am and how much work is unaccounted for. ^_^
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD i don't mean that person lover-wise anyways. talking about support ^_^
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too... but, naturally, it is a dance made for two. that shows what kind of freak i am, really.
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the last vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!! Anime... that's it. hehe...
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often. It's funny how you can think about a person every second of every minute of a day. Well, i am a human marvel. I think about you often, you dolt, ding dong, donkey of a child and I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!!!!
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!! Come to me~!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now? i'm hoping, not ever? but that'd be too much to hope for. :P
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust. contrary to what it seems, i don't fear love. As a matter of fact, i give it rather freely to those around me and expect nothing in return. Because i know they can't give it back to me save a few.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no. but, it's risky to answer with such certainty.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my spirit.
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
Sample 1
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. err... Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
no comment. i can make it through this. yes, i can. =S
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!!
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither?
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi... My soulmates ^_^ and fuji too. hehehehe.
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe.
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too...
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the lst vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!!
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often ^_^ .i can break this.
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now?
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my songs ^_^
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
And here's sample 2:
Still haven't posted the darn thing in friendster. Anyways, honest post hai-yah!! Btw, some of the answers are the same because, they ARE the same. Kay?
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. Heehee... i am back home so... whatever... song is, Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
someone.
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!! so self-delusional that they might. Hehe...
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither? as shows as well as advisors. Got a little angel right by my side ^_^ oh, and handphones.
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi. They're my soulmates. My brother, my cat. The certain someone didn't make it here though... cause i'm not that comfortable around him yet, i guess... or i'd never be... haih, nevermind... NEXT!!
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe. It depends very much on how stressed i am and how much work is unaccounted for. ^_^
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD i don't mean that person lover-wise anyways. talking about support ^_^
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too... but, naturally, it is a dance made for two. that shows what kind of freak i am, really.
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the last vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!! Anime... that's it. hehe...
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often. It's funny how you can think about a person every second of every minute of a day. Well, i am a human marvel. I think about you often, you dolt, ding dong, donkey of a child and I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!!!!
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!! Come to me~!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now? i'm hoping, not ever? but that'd be too much to hope for. :P
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust. contrary to what it seems, i don't fear love. As a matter of fact, i give it rather freely to those around me and expect nothing in return. Because i know they can't give it back to me save a few.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no. but, it's risky to answer with such certainty.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my spirit.
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
Friday, April 27, 2007
The 'He Chronicles'?
| Haha!! I actually had a copy of this entry. It was a rather satisfying copy, full of my honest thoughts and a piece of my mind. But, most unfortunately, comes the part where i opened my yapping gap to slag of a fellow of human race, thus i think the Powers that Be decided.... i should not curse the $%#!@!*&!#$#% future life... so, it was deleted. Yeah, my life is sad when you can think about a divine expalantion for something as simple as your somputer hanging. Makes you feel all pathetic, isn't it? Amusing really. In the beginning, i was planning on pouring my heart and soul of how much i miss the darn !@!%^##@$^* but... at the moment i say, screw it!!! I am an independant woman!!! Who cares what the hell you're doing to my heart?!!! I was saying in the other entry, there only leaves a month more with our interaction. A month more to seeing his face, of wanting and missing. Sheesh, don't i sound like some pathetic fish pining for oxygen? Stupidity abound. I can feel it off my skin. I just hope i don't spread it to humanity. Haih. In the other entry, i too predicted the face of his wife, her attitude and well, her intellectual capacity, I did mention that she would excel in all these right? Haih. A month more. Just a month more under this influence. Then, i will only see him in the arms of another woman who would be better than me in every aspect. The thing is, the passage there seem to flow quite well. I can endure this last month but, it would be after. The thought of him being with another sparks jealousy within me but... i guess that is predictable. It is to be expected integrated within the human mind would be the need to get what we want. It depends on how relentless we are to achieve what we so desire. Haih, thinking about this... i have done the what-if analysis. Haha. Funny if i didn't isn't it. And... i predict... that we won't be strong enough outside. I'm probably the most convenient thing here. And i refuse to just be a distraction. Haha!! Yeah right. But, i won't react without a large amount of consideration. In comparison to what Sharm says, i do not think that jumping into something will bring any good. I wish for something more than just a hi-bye platonic relationhip. I don't think that just because someone is interested in you it would be enough to start a relationship. I dunno where the line lies. When it iws safe for someone to cross over. Sometimes i would blame my control. If i did not have it within me, i might not be in such a state. I would flow and dance to emotion, a rhythm so alien to me at this moment i hunger to know what it tastes like. But, the world need not me as a human, slave of emotion though a slave to emotion i am. It needs to see me as the relentless wall. The being who stands tall despite what happens. I use to see this as a problem but... at this moment... it isn't. I am fine being that pillar in their lives. Haha!! Let's hope we continue to be, ne? :I am stronger than this. If you think you can take me down, bring it on!: |
Saturday, April 7, 2007
The fault was my own...
| I just realized how pissed off i was yesterday to have penned those words. Because, now that the sane me is back, i have to say that some facts that i have mentioned is not true. No, not about the one that Adie's suffering. Yeah, i make people suffer. It happens all the time but, it is about him using me. I guess, a person can always see it as that way... but i do realize, that eventhough he might not be there most of the time, he's still my friend. I guess cause the friendship bar is far higher in my book than any, he barely grazed it past aquaintance. And maybe expecting something more would seem as if i'm trying to pull an orchestra all on my own. Which wouldn't work. Don't misunderstand... He is a nice fellow. So is every tom, dick, harry, sara, jane, mary-anne in my life. Maybe that's why i would give my life for them cause they have given me something so completely priceless that cannot be replaced; their friendship. I'm thinking that the anger i displayed yesterday IS within my thoughts. But, it is rather dormant. It hurts but, maybe that's me hurting me. Yeah, i know how to do that very much. I also know that i pull these low-blows to make me feel better than the next person. Yeah, i'm frank with myself... I'm thinking that if a random person reads this blog, the person would see how bad i am. My darkness is obvious on this black page and... i was contemplating of deleting the entree before this but... i thought that if i do pull something like that, i would be in complete denial of my nature. I am dark. I'm screwed up. My mind is completely fucked that i dunno what semblance of sanity do i hold in my hands now. I wish to be honest, thus, i'll leave the post before. At one point in my life, those thoughts occured and i will not be afraid. I can only apologize though i know this blog will never fall in their hands. But due to this reason as well, it makes what i have said worst. Others might misunderstand. They are not me so they do not know the torrent within me. They do not know the paradox that i am. How the coin is so formed into a single piece that the two faces part with only a hairline. I have called a friend of mine names, behind his back, thus i have sinned. I have leapt to conclusions, and i am in the wrong. I judge myself guilty. Guilty of being a horrible friend to whom might have a potential to be an amazing one. |
Friday, April 6, 2007
Today
| I'm being ridiculous again. Or paranoid. Or something which i cannot define. It happens. Shit happens. And i am suppose to be comforted with that explaination of life. I am doing what was labelled as a geek's handling by my fellow friends here. Think got myself riled up a while go during the convo with sharm. Let my anger get away with me. Was complaining about the lack of emotional capacity of the people here i currently reside with. Oh, don't worry. There are those outlier values which seem to give the whole equation hope, but, let's be realistic shall we? The rest are all duds. It falls way below average and that is how life is, my friend. But, that's an old tale. I'm not satisfied but things won't be getting any better any time sooon. What, asking people to change for my sake would make the world a better place? Bullshit. One person's opinion doesn't count for anything. And i think i was being a tad bit spiteful to sheel just now. Sheesh, is there no end to the suffering i'm tossing to these people? I seem to shower them with rain of hale and blood. And on those particular days, when all seem to shine with brilliance for those around me, come the find whirl of needles, trajected in their direction. OMG! WTF?! Like, it doesn't happen, like? Dude, i know the pain i've caused in your life. And that's what makes me ten times worst than the being i am. I guess the biggest person i've sinned to today would be Adie. Yeah, the innocent child walking down the street. As if it wasn't enough that i kept on chattering in his direction and kept him from his meals. I bet he's so tired of listening to the overly garish voice that i have that he'd love to dig his grave if he wasn't completely self-indignant. Yeah, but i can argue my point as well. He'd look for me only on a rainy day. I'm being used but not without my consent. Because, i'd cover his back even if i have to die doing it. Really. I think i would. I'd do it for most random toms, dicks and harrys but that might just be my suicidal streak showing. Keeping unrequited love never helps a person. In the movies, somehow the person finds a way to move on. And when they can't, they become homicidal stalkers who would sacrifice your life for sheep. Haha, that might be amusing. No, really. I'm kidding. I don't know... I don't seem to help out people a lot. With every day that pass by, even if i'm in the best form during the day, i can easily convince myself to be otherwise during the night. I don't deserve happiness, we'll just put it that way. I've done many bad things in my life that, really, if counted for, would plunge me into the deepest depths of hell. God created light. There has to be that darkness to even the trade. And i am made of this so can i see such bits. Maybe i should pray that i don't wake up tomorrow but the day proceeds with it not bumping into the allignments of the other's lives. I suppose i highlighted that one person cause he is the one that i feel most responsible to, today. With Misa, things were evened out at the end of the day and Sam was.... he was alright. Nothing in particular occured that i believed myself to be in his debt. Those three were the only people whom i had constant contact with, in the duration of today. Yet, i believe he owes me too. Thought not with the amount of credit i have running on... |
Monday, March 12, 2007
| It has been awhile. Sashiburi da na, my blog... Ha! Ha! It is amusing to some sort. Guess it's been towards a month? Need an update? Nah, this isn't for you. It's for me. I've been irresponsible lately. Only in the last few days. It hasn't been that long, i guess. The irresponsible streak but i've been so tired lately. Know about the crush i told you about? Well, now i know he really has a woman in his closet. Might as well. I was praying for him to get one. But i guess, it doesn't stop your mind from wandering into the what if. I guess he doesn't mind interacting with me cause you can't feel even remotely attracted to me. I'm that sort of person. If i am hanging from a cliff with another, albeit a good-looking woman, dog, man, one would choose to save the other. I'm too strong that only i know how weak i am inside. They don't understand. I want them to but i fear they will reject me. It wouldn't be that difficult... I am unimportant within their grasp. I admitted to sharm just now... i do not know how much i long to be protected until the opportunity was taken from me. I believe they are courting each other. It has not been steady yet but i should act like the bigger person. I should not interfere. I should retract my sword and bow from the battlefield. I want to say so much for others to understand but, i suppose it is not meant to be. God made me whole. I was meant to stand on my own two feet. Loneliness is a coin that reflects the empty space beside me. I am made of two heads, two tails. Two possibilities and two souls. I was never to ask for help, because if i do, it will not arrive. God made me so complete that i live and breathe on my own, my air being mine and no other. It is odd to say that none would be able to accept me. None here anyway. It has been years yet i'm still struggling with the same loneliness. But i guess, everyone goes through it, huh? I'll get over this. I have to. |
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
First strike
| You know, life has the best way of slapping you in the face. First, it'll lull you into security, allowing you to rest your limbs and soul from the bore of the world then... haha... then, my dear friend comes the sharp absolute, irredeemable slap of reality and boy does it give you a good one right across the face. Oh well, the broths a little too early to boil. As a matter of fact, it's in its early stages of cooking, heat travelling through slowly, allowing the problems to come to a slow cook. Yeah, curses. Basically what i meant was, it is way too early for me to blog about this. I haven't identified the problem yet so... no moment of self-reflection here but just a reminder for my life. I'm through with this actually. He likes her! He likes her! Can't he ask her to be his girlfriend already?! At least that'd get this stupid fluttery feeling out of my bloody well, idiotic, naive, hopeful spat of a heart. Seriously, can't i just grow up? There has to be other things in the world that's got to take up our time but... no. I just have to be the obstinate, idiot that i am. Okie, anyone up there, listen to my plea... Please, just please give him a girl or something so that i bloody well can get over it! I've had enough of this. I don't want to play anymore. I don't want to be played anymore. I don't want sparks of jealousy, or hope, or love or ANYTHING in this world! Enough! That's it. Till later. |
Friday, February 9, 2007
Birthday and reason
We interrupt our story with an intermission. Haha. Guessed none would wish the hear the story of my past life but i needed to place that on paper because Today, i woke up at the neutral side of the bed, unlike yesterday which i think was the worst side of hell... Haih... Shit happens. We just have to learn to dodge them.
Yesterday, we celebrate a mate of mine's birthday. Actually, his birthday was due in a week's time on the 17th of Feb however, chinese New Year Hols are up so we decided to celebrate it earlier. Well, the night began as quite ar suh... now looking back, i'm not even sure how it ended up that way save the fact that our timing for our baths was slightly miscalculated. Haha!!
I can dolt on the negative aspects of the day but that's be useless. Everyday has its ups and downs and yesterday... well, yesterday was more fortunate to have more ups and downs. We sorta surprised faiz at i think around nine after bouts of apprehension and nervousness. Ezza lured him to the spot and we sorta jumped on him after that. That was amusing. Melissa had to chase him around for awhile cause he thought the present we handed him was a pack full of cockroach XD haha. That was amusing. And all this time we were attempting to keep the candles on his cake alive as the night chose to blow a lot of cold air on this night. Ha! Ha! As a friend of mine say, and i quote "Don't chill. Panic!"
So the harum scarum was done after awhile and we retired to the second floor to see our food as none seems keen on eating in the dark. Then, the birthday boy was to sing a song. And sang he did. I was pleasently surprised as he had a smooth voice, light in comparison to his preferred way of singing. The song he chose was... .... ..... ..... bah! can't remember! but it was a Malay song and sung in the soft voice of his, the moment became tender and sweet. Really, it captivated the audience and if joy could be preserved in my mind, that moment would have been one of them. Just the ultimate content in the minds of those who watched and all of us swept in with the lyrics of the song. It meant a lot to me and i find that, when i leave, i will miss these people after all. But what do you expect? That's humans for you... No matter how you are, who you are, it is impossible for the lives of others not to touch yours. I reverred that beauty in them and i at that moment, i loved all those within the crowd more than anything in the world.
He sang another. A song from 3 doors down. A favourite of mine. Though this was not as beautiful as the first, it was still a nice performance. A dance by babu ended the happy moment and we all retired to eat. When we entered the Mamak shop we asked for four tables and my friend commented that his face lighted up instantly the moment he saw our group walk into the Mamak.
Then, we sat and talked for awhile. Usually, this is the point that i'd cut myself from the group if i felt like it. But tonight, fortunately, i didn't. Well, K5 was there and he is forever my source of amusement. So much did he remind me of Ah Bune that i could not help but tease him as often her. It was fun anyways and when i did retreat into myself, it was a moment of content. I loved to hear their voices, their laughter knowing that the world smiled that night. It was beautiful. Kirei na.
Haha! Anyways, after the meal, Misa and zha zha went back to take a bath, with misa permanently retreating to her home. When we went again to ixora, Adie unpacks his guitar and they began to play a few songs. Before, a few of the boys and Manisha were playing cards. Hehe, have no idea how to spell the name so i'll tell you the rough translation of it, "Put down the Big Two". Yeah. That was it. Anyways, after losing badly once XD i ran to the singing dude. Adie was as usual with the guitar. I guess it doesn't hurt to admire those who are gifted in such things. I loved to see the movements of his fingers as they trailed up the guitar spine. It was... well.... cool for a lack of better word. Anyways, all of us sang much like as we would sitting around a bonfire. The passerbys only stared at the mini concert being held in public. Ha! Ha! Guess we looked like regular teens trashing about or just plain chilling out. It was another moment of peace you know.
Ha! Ha! We were just doing regular things like hanging out together. There was nothing exhilarating or even remotely exciting about it but... it was a couple of friends, together at that moment. All just enjoying the company of the other. Man on his own island yet accompanied by the close lap of the sea, the sweet serenade of the ocean waves and the knowledge that the other is not that far. There is another island a few steps away from your own.
Ha! Ha! Okay, pushing the spotlight to myself for a moment. I did sing. And once, i accidently (?) haha, unsure whether i did it deliberately or not but they were just playing "i will survive" not a fave of mine, mind you but, well we were just belting out the tunes, then it dropped out to just faiz and me then, the next thing i knew, i was singing alone. AND I KEPT ON SINGING!!! Ouch, my eardrums! Now that i think about it, i'm thinking how... show offy that might be. But, reasoning with myself, everyone was silent only at that present moment and i was on auto mode. Or semi-auto mode anyway. So i shouldn't be blamed for anything right? Anyways, couldn't reach the higher note anyway. Ha! Ha! Wasn't prepared for it and i knew if i tried to reach for it, i'd fail miserably so... ijust shut up after that. But, it was a surprise that my heart was beating quite regularly. Usually when i sing in public, my heart'd beat faster than the shinkansen but this time, i was so neutral and pretty much feelingless that it didn't matter. Guess it must be the spell of peace in the air.
Ha! Ha! That was pretty much how the night went. Sharm smsed me in the midst of this and i made the call. She was fine, thank goodness. She sounded sane and i only pray that... if she ever regains her crush on the fellow, i hope he has grown up. He needs to grow a pair of balls, really. Forgive me for the vulgar words yet it must be said though i believe he will never know this blog exists.
Anyways, the conversation moved on to my love life... or the lack of it for that matter. Haha! This has always been an endless source of amusement for me. My decisions are made based on my calculations and well, i told myself that i will never regret them. Besides, as long as my friends are happy, i'd be content.
I should tell you what most of my close buds know anyway. I tend to wish for my crushes to get girlfriends. Not me mind you, another being whose soul is pure. Who's beautiful and can keep them happy. I realise the sense in my actions. The first part is because, that way i can get over them. This is the ultimate reason why i wish for such things to happen. As long as they're happy, i won't feel that upset. Because, sometimes when it's at the stalemate with them aware of my feelings, and me aware of theirs things crop up. Things like, contradictions. Mainly the reason why they shouldn't be with me. ^_^ The list is rather endless. I know myself better than anyone in this world. And to be with me, you need more than a kind heart. We'll just leave it at that. Maybe i'll share some after. I wish them to recieve beautiful girls to bring them happiness because that way i'll never regret my prayer. I wish for their relationships to last because i will never have to imagine myself with them. I'm... weak. They would appreciate flowers. I'm a venus flytrap. Make that a carnivoruos venus flytrap. Think i've digested human before. @_@
Ha! Ha! Enough with the melancholy subject. Sometimes i do wish for people to be with me. For there to be someone present at this moment who can carry me and protect me but, as Sharm said, we have to learn to depend on ourselves. There'll be none that's willing to walk the rest of our lives with us save ourselves... There are the fortunate ones who have found people of such and... it is beautiful to see their union. ^_^ I guess jealousy can strike me at times how complete others are, be it couples or plain friends but, i hope i will learn to appreciate their beauty knowing that the world is coloured by people of such.
I am selfish and cruel. Happiness is only an ideal that i measure plenty against only to find that the picture in my mind is too impossible, it becomes nothingness. But i have experienced completion before, in my alma mater. That was unity that to feel half of it now hurts me a little. But... i love the people here anyways. Even if i mean nothing to them.
Yesterday, we celebrate a mate of mine's birthday. Actually, his birthday was due in a week's time on the 17th of Feb however, chinese New Year Hols are up so we decided to celebrate it earlier. Well, the night began as quite ar suh... now looking back, i'm not even sure how it ended up that way save the fact that our timing for our baths was slightly miscalculated. Haha!!
I can dolt on the negative aspects of the day but that's be useless. Everyday has its ups and downs and yesterday... well, yesterday was more fortunate to have more ups and downs. We sorta surprised faiz at i think around nine after bouts of apprehension and nervousness. Ezza lured him to the spot and we sorta jumped on him after that. That was amusing. Melissa had to chase him around for awhile cause he thought the present we handed him was a pack full of cockroach XD haha. That was amusing. And all this time we were attempting to keep the candles on his cake alive as the night chose to blow a lot of cold air on this night. Ha! Ha! As a friend of mine say, and i quote "Don't chill. Panic!"
So the harum scarum was done after awhile and we retired to the second floor to see our food as none seems keen on eating in the dark. Then, the birthday boy was to sing a song. And sang he did. I was pleasently surprised as he had a smooth voice, light in comparison to his preferred way of singing. The song he chose was... .... ..... ..... bah! can't remember! but it was a Malay song and sung in the soft voice of his, the moment became tender and sweet. Really, it captivated the audience and if joy could be preserved in my mind, that moment would have been one of them. Just the ultimate content in the minds of those who watched and all of us swept in with the lyrics of the song. It meant a lot to me and i find that, when i leave, i will miss these people after all. But what do you expect? That's humans for you... No matter how you are, who you are, it is impossible for the lives of others not to touch yours. I reverred that beauty in them and i at that moment, i loved all those within the crowd more than anything in the world.
He sang another. A song from 3 doors down. A favourite of mine. Though this was not as beautiful as the first, it was still a nice performance. A dance by babu ended the happy moment and we all retired to eat. When we entered the Mamak shop we asked for four tables and my friend commented that his face lighted up instantly the moment he saw our group walk into the Mamak.
Then, we sat and talked for awhile. Usually, this is the point that i'd cut myself from the group if i felt like it. But tonight, fortunately, i didn't. Well, K5 was there and he is forever my source of amusement. So much did he remind me of Ah Bune that i could not help but tease him as often her. It was fun anyways and when i did retreat into myself, it was a moment of content. I loved to hear their voices, their laughter knowing that the world smiled that night. It was beautiful. Kirei na.
Haha! Anyways, after the meal, Misa and zha zha went back to take a bath, with misa permanently retreating to her home. When we went again to ixora, Adie unpacks his guitar and they began to play a few songs. Before, a few of the boys and Manisha were playing cards. Hehe, have no idea how to spell the name so i'll tell you the rough translation of it, "Put down the Big Two". Yeah. That was it. Anyways, after losing badly once XD i ran to the singing dude. Adie was as usual with the guitar. I guess it doesn't hurt to admire those who are gifted in such things. I loved to see the movements of his fingers as they trailed up the guitar spine. It was... well.... cool for a lack of better word. Anyways, all of us sang much like as we would sitting around a bonfire. The passerbys only stared at the mini concert being held in public. Ha! Ha! Guess we looked like regular teens trashing about or just plain chilling out. It was another moment of peace you know.
Ha! Ha! We were just doing regular things like hanging out together. There was nothing exhilarating or even remotely exciting about it but... it was a couple of friends, together at that moment. All just enjoying the company of the other. Man on his own island yet accompanied by the close lap of the sea, the sweet serenade of the ocean waves and the knowledge that the other is not that far. There is another island a few steps away from your own.
Ha! Ha! Okay, pushing the spotlight to myself for a moment. I did sing. And once, i accidently (?) haha, unsure whether i did it deliberately or not but they were just playing "i will survive" not a fave of mine, mind you but, well we were just belting out the tunes, then it dropped out to just faiz and me then, the next thing i knew, i was singing alone. AND I KEPT ON SINGING!!! Ouch, my eardrums! Now that i think about it, i'm thinking how... show offy that might be. But, reasoning with myself, everyone was silent only at that present moment and i was on auto mode. Or semi-auto mode anyway. So i shouldn't be blamed for anything right? Anyways, couldn't reach the higher note anyway. Ha! Ha! Wasn't prepared for it and i knew if i tried to reach for it, i'd fail miserably so... ijust shut up after that. But, it was a surprise that my heart was beating quite regularly. Usually when i sing in public, my heart'd beat faster than the shinkansen but this time, i was so neutral and pretty much feelingless that it didn't matter. Guess it must be the spell of peace in the air.
Ha! Ha! That was pretty much how the night went. Sharm smsed me in the midst of this and i made the call. She was fine, thank goodness. She sounded sane and i only pray that... if she ever regains her crush on the fellow, i hope he has grown up. He needs to grow a pair of balls, really. Forgive me for the vulgar words yet it must be said though i believe he will never know this blog exists.
Anyways, the conversation moved on to my love life... or the lack of it for that matter. Haha! This has always been an endless source of amusement for me. My decisions are made based on my calculations and well, i told myself that i will never regret them. Besides, as long as my friends are happy, i'd be content.
I should tell you what most of my close buds know anyway. I tend to wish for my crushes to get girlfriends. Not me mind you, another being whose soul is pure. Who's beautiful and can keep them happy. I realise the sense in my actions. The first part is because, that way i can get over them. This is the ultimate reason why i wish for such things to happen. As long as they're happy, i won't feel that upset. Because, sometimes when it's at the stalemate with them aware of my feelings, and me aware of theirs things crop up. Things like, contradictions. Mainly the reason why they shouldn't be with me. ^_^ The list is rather endless. I know myself better than anyone in this world. And to be with me, you need more than a kind heart. We'll just leave it at that. Maybe i'll share some after. I wish them to recieve beautiful girls to bring them happiness because that way i'll never regret my prayer. I wish for their relationships to last because i will never have to imagine myself with them. I'm... weak. They would appreciate flowers. I'm a venus flytrap. Make that a carnivoruos venus flytrap. Think i've digested human before. @_@
Ha! Ha! Enough with the melancholy subject. Sometimes i do wish for people to be with me. For there to be someone present at this moment who can carry me and protect me but, as Sharm said, we have to learn to depend on ourselves. There'll be none that's willing to walk the rest of our lives with us save ourselves... There are the fortunate ones who have found people of such and... it is beautiful to see their union. ^_^ I guess jealousy can strike me at times how complete others are, be it couples or plain friends but, i hope i will learn to appreciate their beauty knowing that the world is coloured by people of such.
I am selfish and cruel. Happiness is only an ideal that i measure plenty against only to find that the picture in my mind is too impossible, it becomes nothingness. But i have experienced completion before, in my alma mater. That was unity that to feel half of it now hurts me a little. But... i love the people here anyways. Even if i mean nothing to them.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
The beginning
| Thus, finally the birth of my blog have been officiated. Do i feel satisfied? Perhaps. I'm hoping i will. This is meant to be a place for me to whine and grind my heart out, pour it, dish it, douse it in gasoline with hopes i set it on fire, never to see it ever again! I will also disregard the pillar of english language ie grammar in this tomb my heart will call home. None is suppose to know about this save for a few. I wish there be aplace for me to pour my heart out to the eyes of the world yet remains obscure to those who really surrounds me at this moment. I always considered friendster. It provides a blog. Yet, it is much too public. If the people knows my real thoughts, i might be played alive. Most likely, i would be considered the prima donna in the team, something that i absolutely do not wish to be labeled as. I mean, slut is one thing but prima donna? I'm not a bloody actress on some unknown island acting my life out as if it was dramatized and scripted!!!! (fat chance) think i absolutely lost that one. I want to go to the toilet. Sitting here, in the cold really tells me i need the loo. It is oddly windy for the past few days. Suspiciously. Almost as if something might go amiss. I wonder if i have the effecton people to make them sad. Okey, brace yourselves, here comes the torrent. Truth be told, i have always been cursed. Born with the curse of making others hurt. Really, its an inborn talent more than anything. Fact is, it isn't my attitude. I put up weird fronts and there have been moments that i might have offended the second or the third party but in the whole, i can withstand myself. Yet, there will be that one moment, that one moment that you know me when you wish that i do not really exist. I guess i'm gonna brush through everything now. My eyes are quite sleepy though my brain wishes to rave on. It's cause i'm pretty much alone here, at the food court in my campus grounds, and the second is, that i just bawled my eyes out. Yeah, pathetic isn't it? Should have started the blog earlier, that way i can place the opening of some sort and manage to settle my heart at rest. |
I guess there are so many things clouding in my heart. That's why i have decided to create this almost as every other tom, dick, harry, jane and suzanne have. I need another way of release thus i have opted for one full of words. Which brings me to another point, i am tired of this.
I suppose, in the end i will write something that i have been longing to write, or tell to those who wish to listen. There are few by the way, in case you're wondering. I don't fault them (i realise i keep on saying this in fear anyone takes offence or misunderstands). I am currently in University, two years after high school and the change, truth be told, is devastating. I feel so extremely worthless right now, it completely beats the shit out of the teenage blues.
Technically, what i have written up there was true. In the group that i am in, though it might seem that i have found a place, i am indeed that. Okey, as usual, now that the moment of truth has come forth, i wish not to share anything. Way to go brain! This is the way we solve things! Therepeutic, you are not!
This will be a simple entry for me. I'm hoping not to rely too heavily on the blog. It is afterall a crutch that, if used too often, might cause more damage than good. I want to tell my story. I guess at this moment, now, i will force it out of me though incomplete it will always be, but i have much pain in my chest at the moment (i swear it hurts so much at some points, it becomes physical).
Okey, here goes. We will start with the basis of any family. I have two parents, loving as they are along with an older sister, and a younger brother. Frankly, my relationship with my siblings are by far one of the best i have seen. We rarely argue and even when we do, true to sibling affection, we simply forget about it. No, in my case it is hardly the siblings who cause the problem but rather my parents. Yeah, i know. Typical. If it isn't the drunk sister, it's the abusive father. But no, i assure you, it isn't any of that. They're... nice people if you really wish to use the words. And they have raised me enough to the point that i feel honesty to be the best policy. Yet they made some mistakes. Mistakes, which i have to live for as it has been rooted so deeply within me, i find it difficult to change. And other times, i feel as if i do not want to. These 'qualities' are my pride and my idealism. Note that one is a sin. The other might as well be in reality.
I am the second, thus in the stages of my growth, to a certain time, i find myself being the youngest. As the youngest, i was rarely spoilt, this i can say with a clear conscience. Yet i was loved. Even more than my older sister during those years. However, God foresaw the damage that could have been done thus, i was given a brother. A younger brother. In a snap, those who used to croon at my sight disappeared. As i type this, a part of me noted how selfish i am yet the other feels too much the stab of pain. All of a sudden, i was only the second. As this happened, i retreated into myself becoming much quieter in family gatherings, allowing my brother to absorb the attention. At that moment, i shall highlight a trait that has lasted till today, my refusal to speak if others do not wish to hear. People then are much more willing to look at my brother than me anyway, thus when i kept my thoughts to myself, coupled with my growing mind, everything seems to make sense. As the years passed, there became an apparent distinction between the love divided in the family. My father happily dolts on my older sister who was blossoming into a young woman and my mother grips my brother in a strong powerful embrace. For years it remained in that stalemate from small evidences to blatant obvious indications of the affection. I was not parched for love, if anyone thinks i am. Rather, enough fell onto me, yet now, i will make another confession. I saw the love my brother and my sister recieved and i wonder, why not me? Selfish is it not? Yet the fault as you can see, was not their own. It isn't my mother's fault that my brotehr was much more likeable and it isn't my sister's fault that she is so appealing and attractive enough inclusive of affectionate enough to recieve what she want. I was always the black sheep and i do not say this with contempt but rather as a fact. Since i was young, i was impressed with the way of the sword. I admired fighters and their pride, thus, this was the biggest influence in my life and i become the creature you see today. Anyway, i say the clues are blatant because my brother, who then was perhaps 7 or 8 mentioned it. A small thing really the slip that my parents made but, alas, it shall be said that i will never forget it for the rest of my life. Then, in those years, i realize how unwanted i am within the family. How whole the family would be without me. It was not as if my presence was necessary anyway. My sister could still handle every chore that comes away without my intruding hands and my brother can continue with his life without me. My parents, truth be told, would be the most relieved of them all. I was a curse in their sight and with this in mind, they made decisions. It hurts. It often does, but you learn to bear with the pain. I had to anyway. Only in those years, i dreamed of nothing but suicide. I dreamt of homicide. I hated humanity and my bloodlust dragged forth to form a monster who i am. I was akin to murderers in those days. I believed i could take a life and imagined the exhilaration of taking my own. Yet, i had a conscience and in those years, i invented a second part of me, formed her from nothingness to keep me sane.
Yup, most would think i am insane at this moment though what i said was to combat that situation but it was true. At the age of fifteen, i walked the surface of this world with an imaginary friend grasping my hand. She supported me when all failed me because, i have found out, through some odd coincidence, in the moment i wished help for the most. none would be there. Really? You might say. It is impossible to be alone in this world. Yet, to make me strong, God crafteed incidences like this. Thus when i cry, i often cry alone. My heart would twist in pain yet when i speak, none would hear. It was fate.
I learned something from this cursed fate of mine. I learned to be there for others. I learned that no one was meant to be alone in this world and if i am capable, i will assure that everyone has at least a candle to light their path. I would not leave others in darkness. Yet, in this aspect too i have failed many times. There were countless times when they needed me yet i did not answer their call. It pained me to know my humanity limited me but, in reality it was my curse. I have let my friends suffer, thus i have sinned. I am the destroyer.
This being that i formed from the depths of my mind... she guided me. I would imagine stories which both of us could partake in. I detached myself from reality and formed a cocoon of my own, trapped in my own world where i see naught the horrifics of reality. Time passed, and in those dark years, i gained an empathy so deep that the pain of others easily striked home into my already wounded heart. I understood them in that moment as if their pain was my own. I could see through their eyes so clearly. Those were the years that my selfishness was at its peak, yet it was a time of semi-compassion for me as with one hand i could kill beyond repair, with the other i dared heal the pain of others. What pain i could heal anyway. I wish to blame this on the imperfection of man but, others have restored the pain so easily. They healed with a smile, with a touch, with a kind word yet i had not those qualities. I delved in their own pain, tearing them from within. Detroying every essence that made them whole, then, finally, upon coming to an understanding, i could heal. My hands were wrought for destruction. I had not the capabilities which made me pure. I was tainted, my gifts lying in the dark arts of magick unlike those who touched and healed. I was still Lucifer and my pain, then, was easily manipulated.
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