About Me

Okay, i don't really know the purpose for this entry. Usually i am driven to punch words into digital existence however, today, i find that i am compelled to do so. Nothing angry or permanent or anything like that. Just a little need to talk to everyone and to me. Because we know that my other half don't listen too easily.

You know, i think i've been denying a part of me for some time. Like the denial becomes so bad that my body is rotting when i do not acknowledge the existence of this... thing.

For awhile, or at least since the beginning of this year, i've been telling myself, that i'm 'good'. I'm a good person. I do the right thing.

It doesn't help when you have other people who are perhaps... more irresponsible, more carefree, more inept than you... it's really much easier to elevate yourself. Or at least through your own eyes or deception or something. After carrying this belief that i'm such a good person for six months, it's really hard to go back. I start taking for granted that i'm a 'good' person.

A way i should look at this is that you have to be 'good' every single day. There's no such thing as the points of yesterday being carried forth to today. If you touch a person today, it is starkly different then those whom you have comforted yesterday. It's two different occasions and i think i have forgotten that.

You live each day to its own because the sins you make are marked differently.

It's sorta a side-effect of the days blending in together. Of wanting each day to end before it has even begun. I think i have forgotten the sense of adventure that comes with the beginning of each day. The possibility of discovery... or something. Now i'm just on this shallow line that seems to creep forever into the horizon and it never disappears.

I need to break out of this somehow.

Something else that i need to drive home is the simple fact that i'm not 'good'. I'm tainted and i had forgotten that. Silly me.

So i have this reservoir of unrepented angst trapped inside, buried so deeply within it becomes compressed into a shallow lake.

It was and is easy for me to forget my darkness.

Many people say i am obsessed with the perception of others towards me, it is true. Very true.

Yet, how easily can i be accepted by society, pray tell if i wish my hands to be drenched in blood? There are those who revel in such an act. But to hurt others goes against my constitution. It goes against ME and what i believe in.

I am uncomfortable sitting next to another with my bloodlust burning the back of my throat like bile.

I don't want to hurt other people. I don't want to kill them.

And this... this dragon lurks within me only i have always treated it as an 'Other'. It was never a part of *me* or so i wished to believe. But i am wrong.

I've stopped drawing people massacred, y'know... My drawings no longer bleed, they are no longer expressions of hurt or pain. They are bland depictions of joy because that is what i want my art to showcase.

Traitor, that's what the other me is saying.

I can't have my friends... particularly my Monash friends seeing this other side. Like i can't have my MMU friends knowing this creature is a part of me. They won't understand.

You don't know what it feels like to feel pleasure at the pain of another. To see someone tormented and have something within you smile with glee.

Fascinating isn't it? Funny like hell. Wait until you're at the receiving end.

I was just doing it yesterday, viewing the status of another person who i know that i've hurt. And i viewed, and i viewed, and i viewed. And i looked at the ones which i know i had influenced and something in my heart just twisted in pleasure.

I'm evil, you know. I'm tainted.

And this is why solidarity suites me fine. Because i cannot wrap another within my shadow. Because i can't stand hurting other people...

Maybe because i know it will give me pleasure. But it's a sickening kind of pleasure that i don't want to feel.

I don't know if this is an issue that i need to settle with myself. Or maybe, it's a non-issue to begin with.

Because it isn't like i've lost control of myself yet that i hurt other people.

But, i think i need to bear this darker side of me in mind. Because ignoring it just makes me a cocky, arrogant bitch.

Fallen from grace

Alright, here i go, spilling my heart at this god forsaken hour in the morning.

God knows i somehow miss this wry sarcastic side of self. All of a sudden i feel this need to appear teh perkiness and teh happiness in everyday that it's really becoming kind of mundane. Sort of like trying to make a fire brighter by pumping air into it or something. There'd be this slight moment where the flames will just glitter brightly but otherwise, heck, it stays the same. Sometimes it even becomes smaller. Oh, the horror in that.

There has been a reason that i haven't been updating lately. Insecurity, fears, writer's block. Being too self-absorbed does that to you, y'know? I mean, what right have i to point out the narcissim in others when i clearly suffer from the same syndrome? This self-obsession is getting a little out of hand for my taste and seriously, i need to take myself less seriously.

Lighten up, why don't you and hear the laughter of the pedestrians?

Because i seriously can't. As jovial as i try to appear before others, i can't for the life of me feel the happiness of others. It seems strange, to request such a thing. Almost as if i be a parasite that draws on the blood of others to live but, i can't comprehend the sound of laughter in the past week. Like, when they bellow with joy it is like bursts of sharp sound that exploded in the air, piercing my ears and it isn't like it hurts but it is like i cannot understand it. At that moment, i wonder, what is this noise?

And when people smile, i wonder, what are you smiling about?

It isn't like i'm sad but i've reached this stage of emptiness. So numb that i cannot feel the touch of the wind on my face. I'm still recovering from last, last week if that makes sense.

I broke, last last week. Too much pressure, though i'd really like to believe that it was the lack of food. I swear, place me 3/4s of a day without any food and i'd be suicidal by evening. It makes me depressed y'know, without my happy fuel =P

But i didn't break in privacy. It was before people. Many people and... i can feel my dignity being compromised. People look at me differently now. Treating me slightly gentler than they did before. Some don't know what to say. Probably afraid that i will break again. And i'm afraid i will.

What if i do?

Is it easy for me to say no, i won't let that happen?

One of my friends have already used the incident to thrust a knife into my weak point. She knew that i cannot stand my own display of weakness and she used it against me. Kudos to her, really. Not many have the privilege of owning such a weapon.

I only pray that i reacted impassively enough to swipe the blade away. Otherwise, that moment will repeat again. The moment where she says "And then you're going to cry again aren't you? in her cynical tone.

Truth be told, in that situation, or in the situation i had, crying didn't make anything better. Yes, i broke. I fell apart. Yes, for once in my life, i had someone else comforting me. Many someones and i've never felt more loved. But it didn't make it better.

I became weaker after because i felt those arms circling around me, telling me that everything will be okay. I'm not here to be extremely cynical but, things will not be okay unless *i* make it okay.

If i had been alone, it would have taken me two hours tops to pull myself back together. I would have been strong enough to handle last week and this coming week but because i allowed myself that moment of weakness, it took me longer to recover. For a moment, or many moments, i wanted to run away or just hide. To escape and not assume responsibility and others support my decision but i cannot.

Where is my dignity and pride?

Who am i if not someone who is capable of being dragged through muck and mud and yet still rise after?

I use to know that girl who is tougher than even the most compact of nails but maybe, maybe this passage of growing up, after feeling complete for the past three years have become worn and i am threading on fresh grounds. Maybe i will walk that path that i did when i was a teenager, make the same mistakes. Stumble and fall and scrape my knees and hesitantly try to rise after. Maybe this is a new era for me at the age of 21.

It is no longer about soul-searching or knowing who i am in the context of ME. But it's me looking for me with the hands of others on my shoulders, with the flesh of others as company beside my skin. It might be about me and responsibility and society.

This doesn't bode that well with me, y'know...

I hate leadership. I hate telling others what to do but until this three months is up, i'll have to take care that nothing bad happens under my watch.

It took me sometime to recover from falling apart i think mainly because i'm not used to it and i don't want to.

I have to say that i still do not like my partner for making me feel like this (as a matter of fact, my dislike burns somewhere closer to hatred) but i have to learn to deal with it. I was thinking of resigning from being arts rep because he seems like the kind who might work better by himself but maybe i am mistaken.

I'm just not doing it because i'm afraid that the only reason that i want to quit is because i'm running away. How can i face myself if that's the reason, right? So it's gonna be three months more...

But the main problem comes that the moment i pegged my partner as incompetent, i began treating him as such to the point that i become irrational. People say that i have the right to be angry with him and because of this, i do not hold my anger back but i've got to be the bigger person. I've got to be stronger than some words uttered by people who know me better than they know him. So God bless them, they are bound to take my side.

The problem is mainly that he chaffs at my patience.

Alright, i think i've let this rot for the past few hours. I've stewed over the situation and... well, i'm meeting him again tomorrow. We'll see what comes out of it.

Y'know, honestly, i think i'm some sort of a dragon lady lately or something. I just want to chew everything in front of me or set it on fire. Kinda strange. Usually my destructive tendencies simply extends to killing people. I think this is one of the first that i just feel wholly unhappy in general. I guess.... there goes my teenage angst.

I'll try to keep the blog updated more regularly now. Hehe...

I'm gonna solve this problem, damn it =P

Chant

There are a few things i should remember.

1. This is me i am talking about.

2. I do not tolerate failure.

3. I do not fail.

4. I will find a way.

5. Because this is me.

I will not, should not, must not give up because i can do this.

I am stronger than you think. Damn it, you can't break me.