Coming down from a high is not always a bad things. I think there would be that one moment where you're coasting, and you feel the rush of wind against your skin. Or there is always the possibility of plunging down onto the ground. Looks like this is my first entry here... before, i didn't exactly know what i should write.
What should i tell about the world here? As these words to me echoes with the resonance of lessons that i have learned. What have i learned in the one month that i have left home?
Nothing?
Impossible. I know about the brown in me. About the pond that i lived in. But those are merely differences that i acknowledge. Nothing penetrating which strikes my soul. On the other hand, it might not be wise to ask for a drastic change. I cope no better under dire circumstances and according to my latest track record, i tend to burn rather than thrive.
So i kept my silence. When others ask of my time here, i gather things to be no different although in a way, they are. I know how it feels to be among the minority. But rather than the hostility i expected for those of my kind, these men and women react in the way they do because they do not know how to react among other different from them. It is a different sort of xenophobia one absent of violence or any sort of negativity that i pegged with the term. It's a passive condition which i find, some are not willing to rectify. Although the question too remain on my part, am i afraid of them?
I think at one point, i said yes. I think even now, the answer does not change. What is there not to fear of those who own the land you reside on? On a positive note, they are open and friendly people although coming from a different background than my own. And this falls to the matter of resentment of differences. Do you acknowledge differences to be hatred?
Personally, i think not. I think there has to be a line of division between particular hostility and fear of difference. Hostility for me means the air of vehemence associated with the particular act of threatening acts. Fear of difference just covers a few aversions to others because you do not know or cannot associate with them. Big difference in my book.
I think that was what i had to come to in the beginning. The people here do not approach anyone unless there is a reason for them to do so. Which i suppose after coming from Sunway campus and serving in the student council, i suppose i expected more. I mean, they are suppose to be a Western liberal country. Therefore there is a degree of openness which i admit i expected of each and everyone of them, probably something akin to America. But what i did not realize is that the degree of openness they display -which does exist by the way, is in fact a trade to the privacy and cold front they show any stranger they see. You would think that trusting a complete stranger is awfully dangerous, especially coming from a continent like Asia. We were taught distrust yet they are different. They are open only because they do not trust you until they have become accustomed to your presence.
We are the same, i believe only what i have modeled to be Asian is essentially me while what i view to be Western is them. Perhaps i only encounter this wall with them because they do not trust me from the beginning while with anyone of my skin tone or similar, we have a mutual understanding of one another, therefore our relationship progresses without having to chip the massive wall of security. In this case, every single minuscule exchange that occurs actually chips the wall until at one point, we finally decide we are capable of placing forth a shaky hand and thus the possibility of a first exchange is made.
Really, that's the only diplomatic solution. My friend told me not to rush it because they will be open to you in their own time but on the other hand, i only have a few months here. I suppose, the lack of time will be a positive note that i am capable of holding in the end because if i do not know them, i will not miss them surely. Although i regret the souls that i have missed in knowing. People are beautiful i find although i do not try to know them as deeply as i am capable of knowing,
I shut my eyes, did you know?
I do not see as i did and as usual, my soul cries to see beyond the physical skin because i do not know the extent of damage that i have caused with my actions but another part of me enjoys this ignorance. It allows me to be frivolous, to gain joy and happiness without fear of consequences. It is the life of complete irresponsibility that i craved and i think i led in the first few weeks here.
It is strange, when i think of no consequences, i think life becomes better in general. You live in the moment, without having fear nor knowledge of what is to come. Everyone expects me to be that way here, all of a sudden. It is strange. When i was in MMU, i find rejection because i was too rigid. Too contemplative. I was that deeper end of the pool that others do not venture in. NO ENTRY right? And because of that, i wished for my old friends. For my soulmates. It is because of the inability of these people to accept me for who i truly am.
It is occurring here too. Only they cannot fathom that i think beyond the open books and the written words and the mentioned syllables. I think too much. Far, far too much in certain instances. It isn't normal. Or so they keep on telling me. It isn't normal, or so i tell myself.
It's hard for me to balance between the two because when my physical body is drained, my mind begins to think. I tried to stall it. I didn't do my readings, i didn't do anything because i know if i start thinking, i won't stop. Because if i open my eyes i cannot deny the world i see because i will see it as how i should truly view it. And my mind will work. And it will speak, and ignite. I will not stop thinking and unless i can find a bridge between this sense of me and one viewed by others, i will settle in unrest.
However, i believe i can take a backseat in conversations now. I do not need to dominate considering we have other powerful individuals who are willing to do so. I think it's alright for me to settle in stasis although it would be more interesting if i can balance the two. More challenging and i've always walked the tougher road just to see if i can.
Looking back, i wonder if i have changed since i was younger. I remember once i told a friend of mine, for me, you're the same person as you were before because your core values never changed. I wonder if mine did?
I think an integral part of me is asking for a change. The rule where i dictated there to be none other i take as a partner. I keep on reiterating the story of JW and i inclusive of the talk i made which pushed him to confess. It's one where i tell him the idea of me and another is a joke because i am extremely self-sufficient. But what i learned in the past year is that i am not and so i toy with the idea of me and another merely for the fun of it. Only fun is something i do not do.
I might be spontaneous yes, but rarely am i without studying the various consequences and outcome that might occur. I fly, my dear friends only you do not see the safety net below. Rare do i take a leap of faith and this leap, is across a sunny, massive chasm that spans across time. Because i have always told myself that i am alone. I'm not. Not really, anyways.
Here comes the question, dare i open my heart to be toyed with? Because essentially that is what this game dictates. Perhaps i have nothing to ponder here, therefore, i force a growth that does not occur naturally. I will tell myself that this is risky. I do not know if i will listen.
I think i will watch but i do not think i will play. I think my heart will be half-open but, i do not think it is wise for me to play a game with such uncertain players. Therefore, i will withhold. Perhaps that explains my hesitance at walking forward in that arena.
I am ready, i believe, for a relationship but i do not think it is wise for me to encourage or pursue any just yet. My desire for a companion is ready, but my life is not. We will have to see how his unfolds and if my decision will change in due time.
I can only pray that this situation does not change because regardless of anything, a part of my heart still tells me no and i do not wish to engage in anything save whole-heartedly.
