There was once a time i use to function with a mantra consisting of four words: Hate. Fear. Anger. Misery.
Hate yourself, because you are the darkness of your soul. Anger: the only outlet i possessed. Fear -because i will forever be capable of hurting those around me. Misery: because loneliness is thy fate.
I suppose looking back, one would realize: "Boy, you've really got some issues". Such negativity and teenage angst; awfully reflective of the drama queen I can be. However, as much as most would think this stuck a permanent label of 'freako emo' on me, i grew up quite fine -no, don't ask me to define 'fine'. Hatred strangely enough, brought me closer to love and the appreciation for those around me.
But things change. I changed.
Growing past that phase has its downsides. One is me becoming a downright selfish bitch who cares little to nothing for the consequences of my actions on those around me. At least angst!me would not be so callous.
After i learned that it's 'okay' to not hate myself so much, i began accepting myself for who i am. Accepting me means knowing my limits, my boundaries. In completely technical aspects, i was able to identify my weaknesses and allow for a semblance of growth in living skills. But emotionally, i was becoming too pampered. Self-hatred keeps a meticulous account of check and balance of my actions. I would forever think twice before executing a single act; perpetually running possible scenarios in my head to ensure an outcome that satisfies both me and society.
I don't do things on a whim.
These days, i can easily say my accounts have gone out of whack. The steps of check-and-balance skips a few steps, stopping at 'if i'm okay with it' and neglecting everything else. My mind reasoned by stating that others wouldn't care anyways. In todays' society, the problems that would affect others are large-worldly types such as the quest for democracy and justice. I think me coming a little late to some party wouldn't matter.
Even if a part of me protests that it does matter, the majority of my mind says it does not affect the fabric of this world. I have become callous with my relations and really, to those who have been hurt, i can only profusely apologize. But any attempts i make at resolutions of 'never again' are like chastity vows taken by the female protagonist in any teen movie - it just never works.
It's a serious flaw i am trying o overcome. Coming late for parties, not replying e-mails only serves to show my priorities in life and how much I don't care.
I can say my priorities has shifted. Once, I would have placed others before me. Once, I would have hated myself enough to realize the company of another is God-sent. I have become different. This self-absorbed bitch is not all too nice to deal with.
In light of finding my way in this life, trying to carve an immortal mark for myself, and just understanding why the hell i just feel so god damned lost have me becoming so absorbed in my own thoughts. So lost until the world that surrounds me becomes blurry at its best definition.
I'm trying to find a reason for my growing apathy because hopefully by identifying what this darkness is blossoming in my chest, i might be able to recover from this spell.
For the moment, i am biding my time using the patience of my friends to identify this 'thing' that i'm going through. It will run out soon, i'm sure it will.
The question is probably which first? The goodwill of those around me or my problem?
