With one glance? (Last Friday's post)

Yo~

So, August update. Right. I realize once a month i need to rant out. Wish i could say that it's the PMS thing but, hey, considering my bodily defects, i'm not too sure =P

Okay, problem of this month or this moment?

E X P E C T A T I O Ns.

Maybe not the A kind you know. The kind that says reach for the stars and you'll land among the space dust or something like that. Nah.

I'm thinking on the two levels there are to the word or at least, for me it applies within social relations (Hmm... this might sound like it belongs to my academic blog).

Well, considering this is the unassuming 'He Chronicles' i suppose whoever said the story was to end when you don't see a person for a period of time really.... well, the fellows got it pretty much right. It's just the 'pretty much' part that spoils everything. Whoever said it probably had one hell of a social life after they each went their seperate ways or something.

Well, my life didn't change. Yeah, think of me as the sappy kid who doesn't seem to move on or something. Damn, i hate being the wuss. Pah, leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

Anyways, yes, let's get this agony over with. Me went to band concert on sat, me enjoy band concert, me went home. Then..... EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!

Okay, now, yes, yes i hear the whys and the WTF(?!!!!)s

First, the right question would be who's there at the darn concert. Yeah, he was there. Nice to see him. Strapping young chap that he was. I think he's been working out again and i was right for that part at least cause i saw him again on monday.

Had to finish some stuff with MMU so yea, trodded along and hung out with the Babu and Misa-chan. It was so cool seeing them again!! When they left for their classes, i was left in the care of Ezza who of course suggested we crash the Cyberia apartment to see who was home.

The dude who answered the door was someone that i didn't know and yea, maybe i should have made friends or something but, he wasn't looking too thrilled to be away from his computer (<-liar!! i just wasn't up to making any friends at the mo) then Adie came and joined us.

Yeah, we all talked about a bunch of stuff. Wait, let me make an announcement. OMG!!!!!! ADIE OWNS A DYNAMES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!

And on top of that, he has a small model of ALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, alin squeaked uncontrollably upon seeing said objects then quickly regains composure and previous sense of dignity. It never does anyone good to hyperventilate in the middle of the room anyways.

Alright, on with the story. I guess my discomfort for this whole week might come from certain points that was made when we were talking like how i likened techno to the sound of Incubus and stuff.

I guess i hate to be corrected whatmore when i believe i am right thus the question hung in my head for sometime. Another was an observation that i made post-Cyber trip: I relent quite easily when Adie rebukes me. I suppose i hold him to a high enough pedestal that an argument cannot be formulated on my side because, even though my mind screams at me that "No, i really don't believe your point!!" I would brush the whole argument aside without stressing my points thoroughly. I respect him too much to doubt his answer fully resulting in a half-baked answer on my part, something that given the appropriate person would NOT happen.

Yes, the woe of the non-argumentative child. I should doubt things more. It actually helps with my studies. But i believe in the "forgive and forget" road which is completely unsuitable for academic purposes. And, relenting to Adie... well, i hate preferring one person over the next unless they come with a specific title. Just because he's someone i respect, it should not make me gullible to every word he says.

I guess, this is where the double layering comes in because, it's the same with stuff i read, stuff i'm studying about and stuff that i'm thought. It's easier to *believe*. So much more easier than attempting to make sense of an argument that consists nothing of sense to begin with.

But i'm going to have to do that right? I have half a mind to call that kid and ask him for a verbal rematch. Just to prove that i *can* trounce him without scaring him off into a corner.

But yea, maybe it's because of a certain element which i will remain in denial of, there is an expectation from me to not execute the verbal match. Afterall, what if you don't really want to win?

That's bad. I should be able to keep my head on regardless of the situation. But hell, that isn't working.

Something else that changed since the Concert on Sat was recognition. I guess being the ONLY loud girl, standing in the rain with a tall boy by her side (aka my bro) distinguishes me from the next and, under the scrutiny of these people, i sink to the side. Perasan much?

I hope so.

It isn't an admiration sort of scrutiny mind you. It's more of a curious look and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, i find it amusing when i have an armor of friends around me but an update for yea, i don't usually have friends around me. I'm a moving island and as much as it's nice to be anchored, i think i treasure the travelling breeze.

But anyways, back to the second problem, i don't really know what to do with that. It makes me feel a little bit out of sorts like... i don't know what they're expecting from me. Like, want me to go up to you and say hi?

I believe the extent of our relationship is before the stage. I don't expect any acknowledgement after simply because it should not be within you to acknowledge me. Stick to the status quo damn it and make my life a simpler place.

Yeah, it's cool when you're noticed and stuff but only if you know that they're leering at you or jeering at you or something. I don't do too well with middle-grey relationships (note: see 2007 posts) because i am complacent in a world of black and white.

I guess you can say that by giving a grey relationship, there's an unspoken expectation and, i guess the possibilities just drives me crazy. Yeah, i think too much but... i hate doubting stuff like the way i look or having to be completely conscious of the way i walk. I hate thinking of the material things though circumstances drive me to do so as well as my own imagination a guilty accomplice.

When it comes down to it, that must be the reason why i feel like crap the whole week because, as much as i head to the gym, and eat carefully (yes, i calorie count, i count my carbs, or at least i estimate) my weight doesn't seem to be too keen on going down. EVERYTHING i eat ends up placing me 1kg higher than where i was before and as a result, i become a yo-yo going easily from 72-75 in a day.

And it's depressing because, yes, as much as my trainer tries to comfort me by saying that i lost 3kgs, my weight isn't exactly improving. So i wonder is it because my diet? Should i eat lesser?

The day usually unfolds with moments of depression falling in between because i regret *everything* that i put in my mouth. I won't feel it when i'm eating like today when Gaya convinced for me to buy the salad *and* the pasta. I fell for my own greedy traps and just caved without arguing.

Thank God the voice of my stomach is louder than my will. When it said it was full, hell, it was full.

But, it still doesn't stop me from coming back home and immediately stepping on the scale. Then stare as the number blurs as cogs turn to tell me the result of my 'pampering'. I always pamper myself.

I guess it's easy to see that having an unhealthy diet before is killing me now. I suppose when i stop, i would usually stop cold turkey otherwise it breaks my resolve. When i say "No sugar" it should be a permanent attachment in my daily meals to avoid as much straight sugars as possible but today was a moment of gradually building weakness. Gaya said take the two muffins and i did. I failed when i really should have struggled more.

It's just like gym class when i give up before i knew that i was approaching my limit. People break themselves to be better. I just coast and say that that's trying my best. No such shit man.

I should try harder.

I know i can't eat lesser because... the torture that it's doing to me now is on the brink of unbearable but... i can run everyday or something. Take a walk each evening.

Or maybe i should just eat lesser. Have only one meal a day or something.

You get nothing by not suffering right?

Haha!! Says the girl who's going for a banquet tomorrow!

I'll see how the days go by. I just want to lost the weight because... it'll just make me feel better.

It'll make me feel like what i worked for, at least came to fruition.


P.S. Okay, while typing this, i should really be making bill's bday prezzie. But God knows i've got so much angry chi inside of me that it ain't makin no love bearing gifts anytime soon. >.<