It's me. Again... Going on about my pathetic life and whatnots. Hmm... I'm not a very happy person am i? I... I can't depend on me anymore. It hurts to know that i can't rely on myself, that independence all of a sudden becomes a burden instead of liberation.
I wonder what is this? I wanted to say puberty. Hormonal changes or that timely clock that goes "krriiiinngg" or something like that when you need someone beside you. I want to think it is a mating call. But... it's deeper. It's deeper than just needing a guy or a girl in a non-platonic relationship.
I've told the worst outcome i expected from the past sem and this whole year to be exact and, in an unfortunate turn of events, it happened. The cursed ending played as the curtains drew to a close. Sad isn't it, the cry of the orchestra although it very much sounds like that victory music after each battle in FFVII.
I'm broken... and i think i do not want to heal. Perhaps that is why i hesitate to pick up the phone and speak to another.
But this is getting bad... I still have responsibilities but all i can do is to cry dry tears in the hymn of the guitar - although my skills are limited at best.
I won't say i have suffered. I'm not that low. But... i just don't want to be depended on anymore. I don't want to take care of anyone. I don't even want to take care of me. I just want to... rot away perhaps. Decay slowly into nothingness. I just want to disappear even though the other half of my scrambles to be remembered. Anything to be remembered. Anything to be known.
I think i've given up on myself.
It's strange... feeling like you want to be cared by another... to want to feel protected. Maybe even to the extent of wanting to be loved. I want to be selfish and say this is probably an accumulation of the years where i depended on none other than myself. Of knowing in this world, the only person i can count on is me... And i broke. I BROKE. And the other part of me is looking for another anchor.
Do you believe in redemption?
Can i believe in my own redemption? It's like building a bridge that was destroyed and i'm doubting the strength of the new bridge. Because i use to tell me, that i'm the strongest person i know. I use to count on me to get me through things because i know, regardless of what happens i can.
This is silly. Who actually bets on themselves?
But i can't. The only one who has thorough faith in me is my cat. At least i can help him but i can't help myself and there's this outstretch hand my soul has reaching into the audience for a specific person to answer only i don't want him to.
I don't want to rely on anyone else but me. I don't want me to need anyone else but me. And i have to build that bridge slowly. I've let a lot of people down but... maybe, just maybe the new bridge should not be made of concrete. Maybe it needs to be supple yet flexible. Strong but understanding.
Maybe i need to learn to say "I'm sorry" without feeling like it hurts.
Maybe it's a bridge without the iron clad pride.
I need to answer my own outstretched hand because otherwise, my soul will drown in its tears. I cannot trust anyone else because this is the core of who i am.
I have to let go of the past... To walk forward, and not look back.
