The 'He Chronicles'?

Haha!! I actually had a copy of this entry. It was a rather satisfying copy, full of my honest thoughts and a piece of my mind. But, most unfortunately, comes the part where i opened my yapping gap to slag of a fellow of human race, thus i think the Powers that Be decided.... i should not curse the $%#!@!*&!#$#% future life... so, it was deleted. Yeah, my life is sad when you can think about a divine expalantion for something as simple as your somputer hanging. Makes you feel all pathetic, isn't it? Amusing really. In the beginning, i was planning on pouring my heart and soul of how much i miss the darn !@!%^##@$^* but... at the moment i say, screw it!!! I am an independant woman!!! Who cares what the hell you're doing to my heart?!!! I was saying in the other entry, there only leaves a month more with our interaction. A month more to seeing his face, of wanting and missing. Sheesh, don't i sound like some pathetic fish pining for oxygen? Stupidity abound. I can feel it off my skin. I just hope i don't spread it to humanity. Haih. In the other entry, i too predicted the face of his wife, her attitude and well, her intellectual capacity, I did mention that she would excel in all these right? Haih. A month more. Just a month more under this influence. Then, i will only see him in the arms of another woman who would be better than me in every aspect. The thing is, the passage there seem to flow quite well. I can endure this last month but, it would be after. The thought of him being with another sparks jealousy within me but... i guess that is predictable. It is to be expected integrated within the human mind would be the need to get what we want. It depends on how relentless we are to achieve what we so desire. Haih, thinking about this... i have done the what-if analysis. Haha. Funny if i didn't isn't it. And... i predict... that we won't be strong enough outside. I'm probably the most convenient thing here. And i refuse to just be a distraction. Haha!! Yeah right. But, i won't react without a large amount of consideration. In comparison to what Sharm says, i do not think that jumping into something will bring any good. I wish for something more than just a hi-bye platonic relationhip. I don't think that just because someone is interested in you it would be enough to start a relationship. I dunno where the line lies. When it iws safe for someone to cross over. Sometimes i would blame my control. If i did not have it within me, i might not be in such a state. I would flow and dance to emotion, a rhythm so alien to me at this moment i hunger to know what it tastes like. But, the world need not me as a human, slave of emotion though a slave to emotion i am. It needs to see me as the relentless wall. The being who stands tall despite what happens. I use to see this as a problem but... at this moment... it isn't. I am fine being that pillar in their lives. Haha!! Let's hope we continue to be, ne? :I am stronger than this. If you think you can take me down, bring it on!:

The fault was my own...

I just realized how pissed off i was yesterday to have penned those words. Because, now that the sane me is back, i have to say that some facts that i have mentioned is not true. No, not about the one that Adie's suffering. Yeah, i make people suffer. It happens all the time but, it is about him using me. I guess, a person can always see it as that way... but i do realize, that eventhough he might not be there most of the time, he's still my friend. I guess cause the friendship bar is far higher in my book than any, he barely grazed it past aquaintance. And maybe expecting something more would seem as if i'm trying to pull an orchestra all on my own. Which wouldn't work. Don't misunderstand... He is a nice fellow. So is every tom, dick, harry, sara, jane, mary-anne in my life. Maybe that's why i would give my life for them cause they have given me something so completely priceless that cannot be replaced; their friendship. I'm thinking that the anger i displayed yesterday IS within my thoughts. But, it is rather dormant. It hurts but, maybe that's me hurting me. Yeah, i know how to do that very much. I also know that i pull these low-blows to make me feel better than the next person. Yeah, i'm frank with myself... I'm thinking that if a random person reads this blog, the person would see how bad i am. My darkness is obvious on this black page and... i was contemplating of deleting the entree before this but... i thought that if i do pull something like that, i would be in complete denial of my nature. I am dark. I'm screwed up. My mind is completely fucked that i dunno what semblance of sanity do i hold in my hands now. I wish to be honest, thus, i'll leave the post before. At one point in my life, those thoughts occured and i will not be afraid. I can only apologize though i know this blog will never fall in their hands. But due to this reason as well, it makes what i have said worst. Others might misunderstand. They are not me so they do not know the torrent within me. They do not know the paradox that i am. How the coin is so formed into a single piece that the two faces part with only a hairline. I have called a friend of mine names, behind his back, thus i have sinned. I have leapt to conclusions, and i am in the wrong. I judge myself guilty. Guilty of being a horrible friend to whom might have a potential to be an amazing one.

Today

I'm being ridiculous again. Or paranoid. Or something which i cannot define. It happens. Shit happens. And i am suppose to be comforted with that explaination of life. I am doing what was labelled as a geek's handling by my fellow friends here. Think got myself riled up a while go during the convo with sharm. Let my anger get away with me. Was complaining about the lack of emotional capacity of the people here i currently reside with. Oh, don't worry. There are those outlier values which seem to give the whole equation hope, but, let's be realistic shall we? The rest are all duds. It falls way below average and that is how life is, my friend. But, that's an old tale. I'm not satisfied but things won't be getting any better any time sooon. What, asking people to change for my sake would make the world a better place? Bullshit. One person's opinion doesn't count for anything. And i think i was being a tad bit spiteful to sheel just now. Sheesh, is there no end to the suffering i'm tossing to these people? I seem to shower them with rain of hale and blood. And on those particular days, when all seem to shine with brilliance for those around me, come the find whirl of needles, trajected in their direction. OMG! WTF?! Like, it doesn't happen, like? Dude, i know the pain i've caused in your life. And that's what makes me ten times worst than the being i am. I guess the biggest person i've sinned to today would be Adie. Yeah, the innocent child walking down the street. As if it wasn't enough that i kept on chattering in his direction and kept him from his meals. I bet he's so tired of listening to the overly garish voice that i have that he'd love to dig his grave if he wasn't completely self-indignant. Yeah, but i can argue my point as well. He'd look for me only on a rainy day. I'm being used but not without my consent. Because, i'd cover his back even if i have to die doing it. Really. I think i would. I'd do it for most random toms, dicks and harrys but that might just be my suicidal streak showing. Keeping unrequited love never helps a person. In the movies, somehow the person finds a way to move on. And when they can't, they become homicidal stalkers who would sacrifice your life for sheep. Haha, that might be amusing. No, really. I'm kidding. I don't know... I don't seem to help out people a lot. With every day that pass by, even if i'm in the best form during the day, i can easily convince myself to be otherwise during the night. I don't deserve happiness, we'll just put it that way. I've done many bad things in my life that, really, if counted for, would plunge me into the deepest depths of hell. God created light. There has to be that darkness to even the trade. And i am made of this so can i see such bits. Maybe i should pray that i don't wake up tomorrow but the day proceeds with it not bumping into the allignments of the other's lives. I suppose i highlighted that one person cause he is the one that i feel most responsible to, today. With Misa, things were evened out at the end of the day and Sam was.... he was alright. Nothing in particular occured that i believed myself to be in his debt. Those three were the only people whom i had constant contact with, in the duration of today. Yet, i believe he owes me too. Thought not with the amount of credit i have running on...