These are necessary things that i need to get off my chest. It's the same question others have been asking me. It's something i need to get strightened out cause i've been running away from it for some time.
Coward.
But anyway, here goes. It's of a specific subject btw.
Q: Do you like him?
A: Define like. Like as in like a bf? No. Disgusted, horrified, nauseated no. I won't say that im fond of him. I can't say that i hate him. When someone mentions him i just want them to shut up. So, in the end, i don't know if it's animosity, but at the moment, i see him as something lesser than a friend. I won't even use the word 'like'. Ew.
Q: Strong emotions. Why are you avoiding him?
A: Because my emotions are to strong and confused towards him. You know, in a really perverse way, for all you know i have exteme lust/affection/hidden capabilities of love towards this guy and just the knowledge of it contradicts with what i view to be my state of singularity. Maybe i do want to have his babies afterall and build a castle in the couds of happiness. Maybe right?
But the thing is, if i fuse him, the reality him with my dream him, then the hidden capabilities of love springs up for the guy. But reality fails. Maybe that's why i'm avoiding him.
Okay, but to stop all these ideas of fantasies and stuff, i think i'm just going to come right out and say it.
I think he's self-centered. I think he doesn't think enough about other people eventhough for him, he felt like he sacrificed the world for them. And i'm freakishly scared of him. Because he follows me everywhere. Like almost EVERYWHERE! Thank god i'm Muslim and an Art's rep. Otherwise, he's go with me to the surau ad the rep's room too. At a point there, i thought he wanted to be me. Which, in a way, is acceptable because then i know why he hangs out with me so much. He wants to take over my place. I can just step aside and voila, you have a new alin. Problems like these are solvable.
But no. This sem, i found out he has been hanging out because he wants to be with me. I give him that time of day, listened to his problems, gave him advice which i know he won't follow.
And i think that scared me. Because it reminds me about how much i *really* don't want to hang out with this guy and that by doing so, i'm giving the wrong signals.
But i think i'm his only bridge into the more cooler society like Bats and onwards. Though the cooler society is a large field, i can sort of scrape the side. Because ireally don't want to think that he's hanging out with me because he's hoping tht one day i'll prob say yes to bein his girlfriend. Or because i'm like a drug he can't get enough of. He needs to have a dose of me once a day.
Because for me to assume the latter two is, in a way to blow my horn (not to mention blowing a horn that i really don't want to touch).
I told him that i'm not ready for relationships but the truth is, i don't want a relationship with *him*. To let him down easily, i told him that i can't handle relationships which is partially true. I don't want relationships at this point but i like keeping my options open. How can i tell him that i don't think he's good/strong/compassionate enough for me?
I gave him the politicaly orrect answer. Because i don't want to be hated.
So with him, i always teeter between being politially correct and being honest. But being good means more to me than anything. I have to expect sacrifice on my part because being nice isn't easy. I was suppose to make people happy because that's what i'm suppose to do.
I never want to hear words like "Alin is mean" and stuf because i don't want to be mean. Even if it's carpet walk-on-alin nice i'd do it.
But to him it doesn't come that easily. If only all his interest in me doesn't end with marriage or whatsoever, maybe our relationship would have been better.
But now i'm trying to figure out if i will mind the words of 'Alin is mean' and such to get around. Maybe i have to learn to take this bad press as another lesson. It's about how i cope with gossip and who i trust at the end of the day.
Because i can't take care of him anymore.
I'm sorry...
