Yo~!!
Haha... i'm back here again aren't i? I hate myself... In the duration of this whole week, many things had occured. Haha. It might only be a domino effect from the heart-to-heart during the last weekends.
A friend of mine seems to hate me. Or something like that. I made myself agree that it doesn't matter how deep a friendship is. It is considered as friendship but... then.... even here the hierarchy of friendship is apparent. No. I take that back... i was never comparing it with anything else. The hierarchy of friendship in Assunta was never as blatant as this. The thorough desire to be with someone else.... for me it doesn't make sense. Yes, i do realise that my face lights up when a certain person is around or even at the call of my assu-mates but... this direct comparison breeds illness in my soul.
As an effect, my self-esteem plunges. As if it was not enough that my parents nicely and politely (yes, they are masters of language as well) told me that i wasn't worthy. Nah. They didn't say it. But that was what they made me feel like. The ultimate hatred towards my own soul, thrown back at me. Coupled with my friends recent show of sudden anger or coldness in my direction.... i don't know.... i did respond with anger as well. Haha!! I have not mastered the art of Control yet. But.... in their company... it was the same as it was in the first sem. I realize that i am ULTIMATE BOREDOM to be around with. Yeah, i'm that geek that if you need anything done, you come to but otherwise... sure you invite me for dinner and stuff (i never said they were mean) but it's just the acknowledgement that, you know, i suck.
I'm not one who brings the waves. Truth be told, i do not want to be. I have other things to worry about at the moment, so pretending to be cheerful isn't exactly at the top of my list. Hating me is understandable. Heck, even i hate myself. But hating me with no basis just brings confusion and frankly, pisses me off. I KNOW why i hate myself. I can list and trail every single reason why and show you. Sure, you might agree... or not that is completely up to you but if your hatred is genuine and not due to some hung up emotions towards some other people then you should be able to list your own thoughts, no?
I'm trapped somewhere between being completely self-indignant and completely utterly being destroyed by this turn of friendship. It's obvious that no one wants to be around me so... to save their sorry hides i should just back off right? I mean if you're a plague and you know you can kill people, the first thought would be to take your own life isn't it? But, at this bottom of the rut, i seriously do not feel like indulging in the thoughts of suicide. Haha. Done it too much i shold have died. But i didn't. Though death feels so much like a salvation. I should be dead. I should die. Someone should kill me. That is how fate is suppose to go. I should have never even been born for heaven's sake. But God probably brought me into this world for a reason. Too bad no one seems to know what that is.
There are those whose hands are capable of destruction as well as healing. Mine leans more towards destruction. I've hurt more than i've healed. I've killed and none who lay bleeding on the ground have ever rise. It is right, isn't it? For them to hate me?
I won't even talk about my writing here. Damn pissed off with myself. Hmm... maybe that's why their hatred is affecting me. Coupled with my own state of mind, i'm trying not to break me into pieces. I should have died.
At some point in my life, i think i missed a bus. A bus that was headed somewhere i really wish to go to...
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
Just a little questionnare...
Here's a survey that i was supposed to have done for friendster. But... i thought i'd post it here instead. The world's way too young to know what i'm thinking about so... hehe. Here it is... But... now that i'm thinking about it, i think i might display it in friendster. Though perhaps a tamer version of what i really have to say. I wish to paste this and another side by side to compare my real thoughts. Haha. Boredom abound, here they are:
Sample 1
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. err... Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
no comment. i can make it through this. yes, i can. =S
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!!
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither?
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi... My soulmates ^_^ and fuji too. hehehehe.
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe.
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too...
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the lst vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!!
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often ^_^ .i can break this.
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now?
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my songs ^_^
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
And here's sample 2:
Still haven't posted the darn thing in friendster. Anyways, honest post hai-yah!! Btw, some of the answers are the same because, they ARE the same. Kay?
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. Heehee... i am back home so... whatever... song is, Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
someone.
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!! so self-delusional that they might. Hehe...
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither? as shows as well as advisors. Got a little angel right by my side ^_^ oh, and handphones.
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi. They're my soulmates. My brother, my cat. The certain someone didn't make it here though... cause i'm not that comfortable around him yet, i guess... or i'd never be... haih, nevermind... NEXT!!
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe. It depends very much on how stressed i am and how much work is unaccounted for. ^_^
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD i don't mean that person lover-wise anyways. talking about support ^_^
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too... but, naturally, it is a dance made for two. that shows what kind of freak i am, really.
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the last vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!! Anime... that's it. hehe...
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often. It's funny how you can think about a person every second of every minute of a day. Well, i am a human marvel. I think about you often, you dolt, ding dong, donkey of a child and I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!!!!
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!! Come to me~!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now? i'm hoping, not ever? but that'd be too much to hope for. :P
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust. contrary to what it seems, i don't fear love. As a matter of fact, i give it rather freely to those around me and expect nothing in return. Because i know they can't give it back to me save a few.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no. but, it's risky to answer with such certainty.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my spirit.
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
Sample 1
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. err... Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
no comment. i can make it through this. yes, i can. =S
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!!
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither?
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi... My soulmates ^_^ and fuji too. hehehehe.
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe.
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too...
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the lst vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!!
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often ^_^ .i can break this.
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now?
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my songs ^_^
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
And here's sample 2:
Still haven't posted the darn thing in friendster. Anyways, honest post hai-yah!! Btw, some of the answers are the same because, they ARE the same. Kay?
1.) Do you talk in your sleep?
Nopes.
2.) Red Jello or Blue Jello?
Either but, red usually tastes better :P
3.) Name a song you sang to today.
haha. sang quite a lot today. Heehee... i am back home so... whatever... song is, Part of Your World?
4.) Current crush?
someone.
5.) What's your favorite smell?
anything fruity. flowers are not my taste. huhu..
6.) Window seat or aisle seat?
window! ^_^
7.) Ever met anyone famous?
yups. but don't think they recognise me though. haha!! so self-delusional that they might. Hehe...
10.) Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey?
is this suppose to be shows or ur advisor? err... neither? as shows as well as advisors. Got a little angel right by my side ^_^ oh, and handphones.
11) Favourite person(s)?
lat, ah bune, sharm, chibi. They're my soulmates. My brother, my cat. The certain someone didn't make it here though... cause i'm not that comfortable around him yet, i guess... or i'd never be... haih, nevermind... NEXT!!
12.) How long do your showers last?
15 to half an hour long. hehe. It depends very much on how stressed i am and how much work is unaccounted for. ^_^
13.) Do you know how to drive manual?
yeah!! too bad i don't put it into full use! kahkah!!
15.) Are you self-conscious?
everyone's self-conscious to a certain point. haha!! it's how much you can mask it that really counts.
16.) Have you ever given money to a
bum?
what's a bum? beggar i know, but bum? well... i'm a little stingy... so.... he..he...hehe...
18). Where do you wish you are right
now?
does heaven or hell count? or perhaps beside a certain someone whom as far as i know don't exist XD i don't mean that person lover-wise anyways. talking about support ^_^
19. Have you ever ridden in an
ambulance?
nope. thank god...
20. Do you know how to tango?
emotionally? yeah. i can do that quite well... i'm capable of tango-ing by myself too... but, naturally, it is a dance made for two. that shows what kind of freak i am, really.
21. Last gift you received?
i find gifts in everyday things. god gives us gifts everyday. ^_^
22.) Last sport you played?
hahahahahahahahahha. i played 'chase the cat' but that's the last vigorous movement i did. hehe...
23.) Things you spend a lot of money
on?
FOOD!!!!!! Anime... that's it. hehe...
26) Favorite FAST food restaurant?
Eto.... i like them ALL... eheh..
27) Most hated food(s)?
err... against my better principles... i can name a few.... but... that'd be bad... =(
28) Can you sing?
..... hahahahahahahahahaha... want rain?
29) Last person you called?
my uncle. kikiki..
30) What's your least fav. chore?
i'm spoilt. as a rule, i hate chores.
31. Favorite place?
Home- the playstation (wherever it is)
MMU- President Square. i like it there.
32) Are you a vegetarian?
i'd like to see me try.
33) Do you believe in Heaven?
very much.
34) Do you miss someone?
many ones for that matter though one enters often. It's funny how you can think about a person every second of every minute of a day. Well, i am a human marvel. I think about you often, you dolt, ding dong, donkey of a child and I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!!!!
35) Have you ever come close to dying?
by living everyday we come closer to death. are you afraid?
37) Do you have a book you want to
read?
yeah! that one that will affect me deep inside. I'm waiting for you, this unknown book!! Come to me~!
38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
*snort* i don't even take the top.
39) Do you wear makeup?
not now? i'm hoping, not ever? but that'd be too much to hope for. :P
40) Whats your worst fear?
life. depending on others. being shunned by those whom you trust. contrary to what it seems, i don't fear love. As a matter of fact, i give it rather freely to those around me and expect nothing in return. Because i know they can't give it back to me save a few.
41) Would you ever have plastic
surgery?
no. but, it's risky to answer with such certainty.
42) What do you wear to bed?
kaftens. hihi.
43) Have you ever done anything
illegal?
of course. everyone has i'm sure.
44) What's your dream job?
writing according to my spirit.
45) What kind of sneakers do you wear
usually?
converse. one and only, pal.
47) Future child's name?
... shall we cross that bridge when we get there?
50) Do you snore?
err... no?
51) If you could go anywhere in the
world where would it be?
JAPAN!!!!!
52) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
nah. think they're cute though.
54) Gold or silver?
silver
55) Hamburger or Hot dog?
cool with both.
56) If you could only eat one food:
no such shit, man.
57) City, beach, country?
country
58) What was the last thing you
touched?
my cat :P
59) What did you eat last?
Quarter Pounder!!!
60) When was the last time you cried?
a few nights ago...
61) How are you feeling today?
COOL!! just caught spidey! XD
62) Do you read blogs?
yeah. it's cool to read bout ppl. humans are fascinating XD
63) Do YOU blog?
yeah. Duh!
64) What are you looking forward to?
death. freedom.
65) What was the last good news you
received?
we watching spidey!!! hehe!!!
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