My Monthly Update

Yo'!!

I feel like this is the end of the road or something somehow...
I just have this deep melancholic feeling inside... like i'm mourning something. Only i'm not sure what.
I feel like something died.
It might just be the deep hatred in the air.

This wouldn't be the first time i'm saying this but... I hate politics.
Yeah, the county's in turmoil with all the racist people and stuff. The political situation is placing the people in jeopardy. I guess at the end of the day, those higher ups and the ruckus-makers will forget who's gonna suffer and i can be sure it ain't them.

Another problem that seem to seep into my current situation, is the elections in school. Actually, typing those words made me realise how ridiculous it is. Just like the situation in M'sian politics. Seems trivial doesn't it?

Well, let's just say the election's is tiring. More often than not because of this semi-passive hostility that just lingers in the air. You know, facing this opponent of hatred that you never knew existed? And their hatred is on the basis of a faux perception only because their perception is a mockery of an occurrence in the past. It is because they don't understand. Just like how i don't.

It's confusing sometimes how you can hate someone so easily and it's these workings of the human mind that i simply can't fathom. I understand envy, pain. But such deep hatred... it echoes within me. Almost as if i've felt it before but i'm protected somehow. Like... my mind does not wish to remember.

Suspicious huh?

Maybe that's why when terse situations like these arise, i hide. I become irrational and snappish and just simply very skittish around the edges. Because i'm scared.

Well, if we're talking about the school elections... I can't say that i'm too scared about it. I mean, i attempted for the post because... i needed to feel worthy.

I feel really unworthy at the moment. Of many things.

I guess i'm not allowed to post this because it speaks of the elections.

But anyways, back to the above statement, I took the post because i was thinking that while my sister was out representing the country, i'm at home struggling with my weight. What a big difference. What a horrible difference.

I guess i'm just very competitive. I don't want to feel useless. I'm suppose to be perfect, right?

Okay, another smaller problem that i'm thinking about might be the connections or the inner cleansing that i'm not exactly having. Weird right that i *need* this inner cleansing thing? I mean, like unloading baggage. Like the ones that you could do around your friends. Or with your friends.

I enjoy being around my friends, truly i do but... i can't exactly talk to them about things. I'd have all these weird problems bothering me, family problems, insecurities... all these funny things that just doesn't bother others too much? No, to be fair, it does bother them and that's obvious but... It's just that if i want to talk about my family problem... well, that's behind closed doors. The latest *development* is making things difficult and... well, i guess i should try to sort it out first. Afterall, it's just a silly problem.

I was thinking about the difference between here and MMU... I think in MMU was like being trapped in a cage but Monash... Monash is just being numb from morning till night. I don't really want to complain about my friends because it's silly. It's stupid. We're all human, so we all have our problems. So why do i feel the need to complain more?

I guess in a way i'm also mourning about the loss of my friends. Sharm moved overseas, Lat's moving overseas and everyone else is just busy with their lives. I guess i'm the only one who feels like a chicken in a sea of fish in my school. And i'm not even sure how to solve this. Like... get a new best friend?

Haha!! I need a place that i feel safe cause i don't feel safe in my own skin. Like, i feel so stale on the surface. I don't understand myself anymore.

It's easy to blame someone else but i shouldn't.

I have no one to talk to now... and i realize how pathetic that sounds ^_^;;;
I'll be fine. Because i always am.
I'm perfect, aren't i?
Inside. Inside people, not the prettiness and the remembering part or the other parts that i *know* you're thinking about.

This is the beginning of surviving on my own. In MMU i had Lat as my crutch. Now it's time to see how far i can go on my own. Because i can.

By the way, i found this which... i thought was necessary to remember.
I guess... i realise that i'm a real Islam advocate person thingie... who hasn't even perfected her hold on her faith... Who's currently questioning a lot but just like my problems concerning my problems have no one to turn to. I don't know who to ask because asking shows a weakness in faith. Asking means putting myself under fire beneath all those wise men who think that my kind are the darkness of the world (notice that i'm painting a very stereotypical picture of these wise men?) Asking is suppose to be wrong. But how can you live with doubt?

I hate not knowing where i stand. I hate not knowing the truth that's why i hate any lie lesser than the 'my dog ate my homework' sort of lie. Hmm... maybe that's where all my hatred went to? The hatred of lies?

I can't fathom many things about the human mind...

But anyways, here's the article.

I think it's insightful (for people like me). It shows that one-sided hatred is the lesser intelligent solution to things and generalizations are wholly wrong. It shows that no matter what, there's that other side that says that we can get along well together regardless of the situation.

I think we should stop Hitler from coming. We should not support any proposition for a second, or third, or fourth Holocaust. No more of killing each other.

No more of murdering one another just because you think you're right they're wrong. No more deaths because it makes you stronger.

If power comes from pushing another down then that power is not worth it.

When the future comes, it is we who have the power to change it and not in haste. But with a clarity of mind absent from those who believe they are of the knowing. They are those to fear but we must not once be immobilized by such fear.

P.S. I'm probably gonna post this anyway. It's past midnight and elections is suppose to be done. Propaganda or not, i don't give a damn. I'm sorry if i knocked anyone with the words.

Happiness all, and may my faith be kept intact.

Nights!!