Problem wagon and two options ingrained

You know, there's an age in life where you'd seriously think about moving out of the house. After all, over the great big blue ocean, teenagers leave the terrifyingly wide and non-ventilated wings of the mamas and papas and try to make a living in the big bad world. I think... i might be at that point now. Damn.

Yeah, nothing to curse if you're all comfortable with yourself. I don't even feel emotionally stable now that i was thinking, should i move out or commit suicide? One would rid me of my parents for a time being and the next... well, i'll say hi to them in hell if they pass by. Not that i want them to of course. God be willing to grant their souls passage to paradise.

I know for a fact, at this moment that clamping up is just hurting me. Not sharing my feelings cause me to suffer rather alone here on my room in my smelly clothes and unwashed self. Really, i have a feeling that even bathing might not rid me of this taint. I've become rather like poison, y'know? I'd kill you if i have the chance and the funny thing is, i know i can do it. I can hurt people rather easily, emotionally and physically. Even i'm afraid of myself sometimes...

Okay, back to more cheerful and solvable matters. So should i run away from home or kill myself? The second option has a shine to it, y'know? I was walking with the parentals and bro earlier when i realised that i have absolutely no qualms about taking the knife and dragging it across my neck at that moment. I even had this weird sensation that i might laugh but that be too awfully mean. There were kids and i wouldn't want to scar them for life. I'd be worried about my brother anyways. I don't know how he would cope if i commit suicide.

So does that mean run away first then commit suicide? Troublesome... Y'know, the fact that i'm blogging this shows i've probably filed those actions for later. I won't do something i've blogged about! That's crazy!! Most unfortunately, i can't commit suicide. It's a sin. On top of that i still believe in God. Until the day comes that i relinquish all faith in Him, i'm bound onto this world.

Somehow, when i'm at my lowest, my thoughts are rather predictable ne? You curse your chains don't you though a field can you wander with them attached to your wrists?

First i shall admit my faults. I am very grumpy in the morning. "Oooh, is that it?" are you going to ask? No, i'm REALLY grumpy in the morning. Not many people know the right method to waking me up. Most of the time, in the process, i'd snap at you. Like *really* harshly. I think the only one who has effectively woken me up is Ezza and sheel but that might be cause they were my roommates. So, i can't darn well snap at them everytime they try to wake me ne? Darn subconscious with its ulterior motive!! Just in case you think that it's cause they're my friends, i would have to say not really. Izan once accidentally woke me up when i was on a bus with her. She sat beside me and i think she accidentally nudged me. I woke up, glared at her, and shoved her back. Like hard. And then went back to sleep. *note: i'm dangerous*

I'm a nasty person who has the most glaring defects that no doubt chaffes into the thick hides of my family members. You know, like that little goth chick in mary sue and gary stus little home? Something like that. And i can KILL too!! It's like an extra defect. I wonder how short the straw was when i drew it right before my birth?

Yeah, okay so today i woke up with a cloud over my head. Like a nasty cloud. Granted, i slept late. Oops, i mean early. And i guess my parents couldn't take it anymore. My dad started talking about embargos (which i don't know what that means but was too irritated to ask) and curfews around twelve or something like that and my mum going

"Kalau nak bangun jumpe kawan boleh."

looooooooooong pause made to shatter your soul.

"Pukul lima pun boleh."

replay looooooooooooooong pause.

"Kalau jumpe kawan pukul berape pun boleh."

insert looooooooooooooong pause.

"Kalau jumpe kawan boleh bangun."

loooooooooooooooooooong pause.

*sweatdrop*

She was grumbling to herself i think. She was playing her mind games AGAIN! The thing is, you can't feel guilty and resentful at the same time!! That feeling's utter crap! You want to smack the person yet at the same time be a docile little girl. Ouch! Like emotional overload. Hah! Take that you sleepy brain. See? Who told you to snap at people in the morning? Let this be a lesson to your morning grumpiness. Only, i have a feeling i might just stay grumpy in the mornings now to spite them. Heck, it irritated the hell out of my dad and really peeved my mum. Such happiness isn't it?

I guess this is where running away comes in. At least it's better isn't it? I'm saving these people AND me from me.

I just want to clear it up so that on the day of my death, if i do commit suicide or whatever, let those who read this blog bear a certain responsibility. I want the truth to be known. I want my blogs and Confessions to be read by those who know me. Not because of some spiteful telling or anything like that, it's just that... I don't think i want to die with secrets and maybe, yeah, there's that part of me that doesn't want to go out without a bang but, it's painful to keep these inside, all my curses and discontentment when i have sinned on their names.

I was thinking the other day. What if i die? I think the most frustrating part would be that i haven't done anything to mark my existence on this world. Maybe the one thing that i fear above all is to be hated and forgotten. I was also thinking that it would be nice if people cried on the day of my death but, it would be sweeter if they laughed. If they remembered their lives tangled along with mine and be able to continue on tomorrow because they know they had done something yesterday.

My mum said that i was willing to wake up at five just for the sake of meeting my friends, that's true. Only because my friends had aided me much, much more and in the most dire of my times. It isn't because she didn't try, don't get me wrong. It's just that.. I guess she didn't know how. When i want to talk to her about the pains in my life like how suicidal i am or how depressed i can get, she'd give me a lecture on the hardship of life. Of how life was not meant to be easy. You take it the best you can. And you're only responsible for yourself. If you fall, you fall alone, so rise by yourself as well.

I can't expect much help from that corner, but isn't that the same for everything else?

I resent the fact that love today is shown through material possessions. How my father shows he cares is by slipping money into our pockets and eventhough my mum lectures on values, she really can't be there for me when i need her the most because she doesn't have the emotional strength for it and she's much too bitter about the things in life to help a depressed person even more. ^_^;;; My brother is actually quite strong in this sense, but... i might be sapping the life out of him so i shouldn't lean on him that much. Aside from that, he's still growing up... I can't put that much onto him anyways.

I realise that since the first entry, this is my second time i'm talking about family. I think. Hehe.. I guess everyone has interesting imperfections in their families. Mine is probably the same. I can't stay mad at them for long though what my mother had done the last time had damaged our relationship really badly. I wasn't ever close to her but now i see all that she does with a heavy dose of salt with it. Sometimes i wish that i can't 'see' so much. Ignorance is bliss afterall.

Really, you can't compare friends and family and according to the Ustaz at our masjid some guideline-to-the-end-of-the-world entry no. !@# was putting your friends before family.

It's safe to say that he had a nice supportive family. Maybe that comes with the piety. I wouldn't say that i'm unfortunate because in comparison to others, there are worst.

I'm just saying that i can't keep on feeling like this all the time. Until the day i move out of the house, i think the options will remain between these two.

I'm much calmer now. I'm just going to sleep early anyways.

Oh, maybe to clear some confusion up, i should relate the chronology of today's events. My mum kicked me out of bed where i threw a hissy fit. We got into the car after bathing and all that, (me with my sour face), statement exchange in the car on the way to OU, me contemplating suicide in OU then, after awhile things calmed down.

Yeah. That was what happened. I should really be more systematic with my way of thinking but i don't usually blog with intricate details. Anyways, let's hope things are cool. let's hope i run away, get a new house or die soon.

Nope, that was not a prayer. It's wishful thinking.

Peace unto the world.

Ja'!!

Rindu...

You know... i'm really sleepy at the moment... but, i guess this is my last effort to shake off this feeling of nostalgia that's plaguing me. Haha!! Nostalgia feels old. I would say more off... rindu. ^_^

Sometimes, i'm really happy that not that many people know this blog exists.

I went back to melaka last weekend, which was really yesterday and the two days before. I was really excited. My reason, or so i told everyone was reunion. But the real cause of my excitement was just seeing my friends, was just wanting to hang out with them. I know, darn emotional isn't it? And yes, this is another entry about my life in MMU. I'm starting to think i should change the title... XD but i think the reason i place this here would be because i have no one else to talk to about it. I recognize the nature of my problem and can tell everyone the elements of it but to talk about this emotion and expect people to understand... well, that'd just need someone who was there or knows these people. Haha!! I'm thinking of the ridiculousness of the situation.

Anyways, we went back for the battle of the bands. Our good buds the Celestial Beans were playing. It's a band consisting of Adie, Zha zha, Faiz and Afiq with the three former handling the guitar and Afiq manning the drums. I won't exactly tell you how the whole event went. I think they maxed out the speakers when there is a strict dB control for the crowd but heck, we're teenagers. We like overexcessive amount of abuse =P Basically, when someone plays metallica, you wouldn't want to stand near the speakers unless you're an avid fan of it. I think the music's cool, but music without lyrics that i can decipher is just.... weird. Like funny weird.

Out of ten bands i think at least two or three played this sorta music so... i'm kinda deaf now. And mute. I was yelling so loud that even my buds' were looking at me weirdly. =P I think i just wanted to lose myself in the music and have a good time. And a good time, for a member of the digital surround sound = noise.

It was cool seeing CB, Thrivant, even News at 11 playing again cause this sorta thing is really missing from the monash team. Monash is prestigious and stuff, but their music scene's sorta low. Either that or i never felt the need to take notice of it. After all, i only started going to the college bands in MMU cause my friends were in it. CB did fine. I mean, they're improving and it's one step at a time. They were much better than last time though the sound balance was a little off. I'd blame the sound guy but, it's in the past. Anyway, they've had this problem before. I think it might be that Zha zha's voice is low so it's easy to be swallowed up by any other sound. That includes the crowd if they get rowdy. I dunno... is it possible for yea to sing the same note from the stomach with the same tone? I dunno if that works or if anyone even wants to go through such a ridiculous either, but scrap that. Anyways, i'm only bystander whose knowledge in music is suspiciously close to zilch, so that's that.

THRIVANT WON!!!!!!!!!! Yays! The happiness and gaiety. I'd expect it. They were so good! Yeah, real descruptive but y'know me. Master of words. I really missed seeing them perform that truth be told, i couldn't care if they won or lost. I just wanted to SEE them. Hahahahahaha!! Did i tell yea? Dimas was a part of the thrivant!!!!!!! I was exceited to see that cause he was our old classmate and there he was manning the drums. I dunno, there's something about your old mates making music together that seems sweet. I don't know two members of the band though... The only ones i know are Adie (yes, the rascal plays in two bands), Dimas and Apek. But, we've been following them since MMU last year though Dimas wasn't drummer for them then.

It was a cool night. It was no My Chemical Romance or anything like that, but seeing familiars do their thing on stage is 100x better than established bands. Huhu... listen to the sentimental old hag.

It was greatest seeing sheel. Cause i really missed her. And Ezza's really sweet. I mean yeah i knew that last year but, i really, really believe it this time around. She knows when you need company that's for sure. Ihsan rocks too... I mean, it was really nice of him to get bullied by four girls into going left and right when he has an assignment, a presentation and a paper coming up in the next few days. Sheel too sacrificed her time which... i should feel guilty for but, the guilt isn't choking me... Cause i wanted to see them so much, i would have done it at a funeral even (yes, i'm heartless =P).

We didn't get to see the band mates much though that would have been sweet. Some drama's unfolding in the back scene but that doesn't involve me so i don't think i'll blog about it. Whatever it is, i hope their friendship stays firm. It's easier said than done i know. It's really bad when you're willing to forget old friends just for the sake of new ones or just dump them aside maybe cause you feel different around them. I've avoided my friends before, when i feel that we're spending too much time so it's a little stifling but, most of the time, when that happens, i'd tell them. It's necessary for them to know the reason for my actions so they won't feel like they're at fault or that there's something heavily amiss somewhere...

Oh, did i mention that K5, Sam and all spent their time with us too? OMG!!!! It was sooooo cool!!!!!!!!! Suzy was the best cause i wasn't that close to him but i rode in his car most of the time and he's really cool. I mean, you can say much and it really slides by him. I hope i didn't irritate him though, though he was really sweet about it. I mean, he sent us back to Cyber and stuff without a single complaint. They're angels man.

It was a real reunion or as much you can get la in that short precious seconds we had.

Altogether, the trip was too brief but i think it succeeded in doing what i hoped it would do; make our friendship stronger. We shouldn't forget our friends just because they moved a little away ne? But, i think this preach wouldn't be that easy to practice cause you can't control the priorities of your mind.

Okay, on to the next part. Or maybe i should say.... Him? Whoa! He gets a capital letter!!! I guess when you're a girl and laddi da di da. Oh bloody hell i don't take this as particularly positive. I;m only thankful that we go to seperate campuses now. Okay, before you think that he's a total asshole, he isn't. It's harsh when you realize that you're still carrying your feelings with you. It was a year. A whole year and that still haven't died. The last time i saw him, it was just like 'Brother!!!!' sorta thing y'know? I was so ready to move on. This so wasn't worth my time. Until i saw him again on this trip and i was like, 'what? wait, did i miss something. Something's weird...' Sometimes i really hate being a girl cause you're a pansy and sensitive and stuff.

I don't think he should die though. It's really frustrating that i miss him so much, i would be willing to trek to MMU to see him now even if possible. I could have. But i won't. Hell, i'm stronger than any emotion. I know for a fact that i don't get over any of my crushes easily. Okay, maybe any that had made it a fraction past the first stage easily. I would say that this crush nearly blew off the third level away. So, that might be why the emotion's still strong.

It makes more sense to ride it than to fight it but, there are various reasons that should be taken to caution. As much as i want to be spontaneous, having him hurt would be the last of my emotions that i want to indulge in. And maybe that's what i fear, i guess. That if there is anything there, he might be hurt as an outcome of it. Cause, i think, when i love, i don't let go. Not even for a fraction of an inch. That's the same with conditional and unconditional love.

I think i might read some fan fiction to get over this, but i think that's what this whole entry is about. Haha!! Took me quite awhile to articulate isn't it?

Anyways, having dreams infested with his face wouldn't be too joyful for me at the moment. I wish my mind's camera would do more than provide my best buds with cameo appearences but you can't give your head authority. I'm gonna pray that i get some Neji in my dreams now. At least that i don't mind indulging in.

Anyways, that's all i have to say.

May tomorrow be better =D

Nites!