Untitled

Hey...

It's me. Again... Going on about my pathetic life and whatnots. Hmm... I'm not a very happy person am i? I... I can't depend on me anymore. It hurts to know that i can't rely on myself, that independence all of a sudden becomes a burden instead of liberation.

I wonder what is this? I wanted to say puberty. Hormonal changes or that timely clock that goes "krriiiinngg" or something like that when you need someone beside you. I want to think it is a mating call. But... it's deeper. It's deeper than just needing a guy or a girl in a non-platonic relationship.

I've told the worst outcome i expected from the past sem and this whole year to be exact and, in an unfortunate turn of events, it happened. The cursed ending played as the curtains drew to a close. Sad isn't it, the cry of the orchestra although it very much sounds like that victory music after each battle in FFVII.

I'm broken... and i think i do not want to heal. Perhaps that is why i hesitate to pick up the phone and speak to another.

But this is getting bad... I still have responsibilities but all i can do is to cry dry tears in the hymn of the guitar - although my skills are limited at best.

I won't say i have suffered. I'm not that low. But... i just don't want to be depended on anymore. I don't want to take care of anyone. I don't even want to take care of me. I just want to... rot away perhaps. Decay slowly into nothingness. I just want to disappear even though the other half of my scrambles to be remembered. Anything to be remembered. Anything to be known.

I think i've given up on myself.

It's strange... feeling like you want to be cared by another... to want to feel protected. Maybe even to the extent of wanting to be loved. I want to be selfish and say this is probably an accumulation of the years where i depended on none other than myself. Of knowing in this world, the only person i can count on is me... And i broke. I BROKE. And the other part of me is looking for another anchor.

Do you believe in redemption?

Can i believe in my own redemption? It's like building a bridge that was destroyed and i'm doubting the strength of the new bridge. Because i use to tell me, that i'm the strongest person i know. I use to count on me to get me through things because i know, regardless of what happens i can.

This is silly. Who actually bets on themselves?

But i can't. The only one who has thorough faith in me is my cat. At least i can help him but i can't help myself and there's this outstretch hand my soul has reaching into the audience for a specific person to answer only i don't want him to.

I don't want to rely on anyone else but me. I don't want me to need anyone else but me. And i have to build that bridge slowly. I've let a lot of people down but... maybe, just maybe the new bridge should not be made of concrete. Maybe it needs to be supple yet flexible. Strong but understanding.

Maybe i need to learn to say "I'm sorry" without feeling like it hurts.

Maybe it's a bridge without the iron clad pride.

I need to answer my own outstretched hand because otherwise, my soul will drown in its tears. I cannot trust anyone else because this is the core of who i am.

I have to let go of the past... To walk forward, and not look back.

Q & A going into full on rant

These are necessary things that i need to get off my chest. It's the same question others have been asking me. It's something i need to get strightened out cause i've been running away from it for some time.

Coward.

But anyway, here goes. It's of a specific subject btw.

Q: Do you like him?

A: Define like. Like as in like a bf? No. Disgusted, horrified, nauseated no. I won't say that im fond of him. I can't say that i hate him. When someone mentions him i just want them to shut up. So, in the end, i don't know if it's animosity, but at the moment, i see him as something lesser than a friend. I won't even use the word 'like'. Ew.

Q: Strong emotions. Why are you avoiding him?

A: Because my emotions are to strong and confused towards him. You know, in a really perverse way, for all you know i have exteme lust/affection/hidden capabilities of love towards this guy and just the knowledge of it contradicts with what i view to be my state of singularity. Maybe i do want to have his babies afterall and build a castle in the couds of happiness. Maybe right?

But the thing is, if i fuse him, the reality him with my dream him, then the hidden capabilities of love springs up for the guy. But reality fails. Maybe that's why i'm avoiding him.

Okay, but to stop all these ideas of fantasies and stuff, i think i'm just going to come right out and say it.

I think he's self-centered. I think he doesn't think enough about other people eventhough for him, he felt like he sacrificed the world for them. And i'm freakishly scared of him. Because he follows me everywhere. Like almost EVERYWHERE! Thank god i'm Muslim and an Art's rep. Otherwise, he's go with me to the surau ad the rep's room too. At a point there, i thought he wanted to be me. Which, in a way, is acceptable because then i know why he hangs out with me so much. He wants to take over my place. I can just step aside and voila, you have a new alin. Problems like these are solvable.

But no. This sem, i found out he has been hanging out because he wants to be with me. I give him that time of day, listened to his problems, gave him advice which i know he won't follow.

And i think that scared me. Because it reminds me about how much i *really* don't want to hang out with this guy and that by doing so, i'm giving the wrong signals.

But i think i'm his only bridge into the more cooler society like Bats and onwards. Though the cooler society is a large field, i can sort of scrape the side. Because ireally don't want to think that he's hanging out with me because he's hoping tht one day i'll prob say yes to bein his girlfriend. Or because i'm like a drug he can't get enough of. He needs to have a dose of me once a day.

Because for me to assume the latter two is, in a way to blow my horn (not to mention blowing a horn that i really don't want to touch).

I told him that i'm not ready for relationships but the truth is, i don't want a relationship with *him*. To let him down easily, i told him that i can't handle relationships which is partially true. I don't want relationships at this point but i like keeping my options open. How can i tell him that i don't think he's good/strong/compassionate enough for me?

I gave him the politicaly orrect answer. Because i don't want to be hated.

I always try to think that i'm GOOD because that is what i should be. But then, everything good that i do seems to backfire with him. I'm scared that he will still want me in the end.

So with him, i always teeter between being politially correct and being honest. But being good means more to me than anything. I have to expect sacrifice on my part because being nice isn't easy. I was suppose to make people happy because that's what i'm suppose to do.

I never want to hear words like "Alin is mean" and stuf because i don't want to be mean. Even if it's carpet walk-on-alin nice i'd do it.

But to him it doesn't come that easily. If only all his interest in me doesn't end with marriage or whatsoever, maybe our relationship would have been better.

But now i'm trying to figure out if i will mind the words of 'Alin is mean' and such to get around. Maybe i have to learn to take this bad press as another lesson. It's about how i cope with gossip and who i trust at the end of the day.

Because i can't take care of him anymore.

I'm sorry...

About Me

Okay, i don't really know the purpose for this entry. Usually i am driven to punch words into digital existence however, today, i find that i am compelled to do so. Nothing angry or permanent or anything like that. Just a little need to talk to everyone and to me. Because we know that my other half don't listen too easily.

You know, i think i've been denying a part of me for some time. Like the denial becomes so bad that my body is rotting when i do not acknowledge the existence of this... thing.

For awhile, or at least since the beginning of this year, i've been telling myself, that i'm 'good'. I'm a good person. I do the right thing.

It doesn't help when you have other people who are perhaps... more irresponsible, more carefree, more inept than you... it's really much easier to elevate yourself. Or at least through your own eyes or deception or something. After carrying this belief that i'm such a good person for six months, it's really hard to go back. I start taking for granted that i'm a 'good' person.

A way i should look at this is that you have to be 'good' every single day. There's no such thing as the points of yesterday being carried forth to today. If you touch a person today, it is starkly different then those whom you have comforted yesterday. It's two different occasions and i think i have forgotten that.

You live each day to its own because the sins you make are marked differently.

It's sorta a side-effect of the days blending in together. Of wanting each day to end before it has even begun. I think i have forgotten the sense of adventure that comes with the beginning of each day. The possibility of discovery... or something. Now i'm just on this shallow line that seems to creep forever into the horizon and it never disappears.

I need to break out of this somehow.

Something else that i need to drive home is the simple fact that i'm not 'good'. I'm tainted and i had forgotten that. Silly me.

So i have this reservoir of unrepented angst trapped inside, buried so deeply within it becomes compressed into a shallow lake.

It was and is easy for me to forget my darkness.

Many people say i am obsessed with the perception of others towards me, it is true. Very true.

Yet, how easily can i be accepted by society, pray tell if i wish my hands to be drenched in blood? There are those who revel in such an act. But to hurt others goes against my constitution. It goes against ME and what i believe in.

I am uncomfortable sitting next to another with my bloodlust burning the back of my throat like bile.

I don't want to hurt other people. I don't want to kill them.

And this... this dragon lurks within me only i have always treated it as an 'Other'. It was never a part of *me* or so i wished to believe. But i am wrong.

I've stopped drawing people massacred, y'know... My drawings no longer bleed, they are no longer expressions of hurt or pain. They are bland depictions of joy because that is what i want my art to showcase.

Traitor, that's what the other me is saying.

I can't have my friends... particularly my Monash friends seeing this other side. Like i can't have my MMU friends knowing this creature is a part of me. They won't understand.

You don't know what it feels like to feel pleasure at the pain of another. To see someone tormented and have something within you smile with glee.

Fascinating isn't it? Funny like hell. Wait until you're at the receiving end.

I was just doing it yesterday, viewing the status of another person who i know that i've hurt. And i viewed, and i viewed, and i viewed. And i looked at the ones which i know i had influenced and something in my heart just twisted in pleasure.

I'm evil, you know. I'm tainted.

And this is why solidarity suites me fine. Because i cannot wrap another within my shadow. Because i can't stand hurting other people...

Maybe because i know it will give me pleasure. But it's a sickening kind of pleasure that i don't want to feel.

I don't know if this is an issue that i need to settle with myself. Or maybe, it's a non-issue to begin with.

Because it isn't like i've lost control of myself yet that i hurt other people.

But, i think i need to bear this darker side of me in mind. Because ignoring it just makes me a cocky, arrogant bitch.

Fallen from grace

Alright, here i go, spilling my heart at this god forsaken hour in the morning.

God knows i somehow miss this wry sarcastic side of self. All of a sudden i feel this need to appear teh perkiness and teh happiness in everyday that it's really becoming kind of mundane. Sort of like trying to make a fire brighter by pumping air into it or something. There'd be this slight moment where the flames will just glitter brightly but otherwise, heck, it stays the same. Sometimes it even becomes smaller. Oh, the horror in that.

There has been a reason that i haven't been updating lately. Insecurity, fears, writer's block. Being too self-absorbed does that to you, y'know? I mean, what right have i to point out the narcissim in others when i clearly suffer from the same syndrome? This self-obsession is getting a little out of hand for my taste and seriously, i need to take myself less seriously.

Lighten up, why don't you and hear the laughter of the pedestrians?

Because i seriously can't. As jovial as i try to appear before others, i can't for the life of me feel the happiness of others. It seems strange, to request such a thing. Almost as if i be a parasite that draws on the blood of others to live but, i can't comprehend the sound of laughter in the past week. Like, when they bellow with joy it is like bursts of sharp sound that exploded in the air, piercing my ears and it isn't like it hurts but it is like i cannot understand it. At that moment, i wonder, what is this noise?

And when people smile, i wonder, what are you smiling about?

It isn't like i'm sad but i've reached this stage of emptiness. So numb that i cannot feel the touch of the wind on my face. I'm still recovering from last, last week if that makes sense.

I broke, last last week. Too much pressure, though i'd really like to believe that it was the lack of food. I swear, place me 3/4s of a day without any food and i'd be suicidal by evening. It makes me depressed y'know, without my happy fuel =P

But i didn't break in privacy. It was before people. Many people and... i can feel my dignity being compromised. People look at me differently now. Treating me slightly gentler than they did before. Some don't know what to say. Probably afraid that i will break again. And i'm afraid i will.

What if i do?

Is it easy for me to say no, i won't let that happen?

One of my friends have already used the incident to thrust a knife into my weak point. She knew that i cannot stand my own display of weakness and she used it against me. Kudos to her, really. Not many have the privilege of owning such a weapon.

I only pray that i reacted impassively enough to swipe the blade away. Otherwise, that moment will repeat again. The moment where she says "And then you're going to cry again aren't you? in her cynical tone.

Truth be told, in that situation, or in the situation i had, crying didn't make anything better. Yes, i broke. I fell apart. Yes, for once in my life, i had someone else comforting me. Many someones and i've never felt more loved. But it didn't make it better.

I became weaker after because i felt those arms circling around me, telling me that everything will be okay. I'm not here to be extremely cynical but, things will not be okay unless *i* make it okay.

If i had been alone, it would have taken me two hours tops to pull myself back together. I would have been strong enough to handle last week and this coming week but because i allowed myself that moment of weakness, it took me longer to recover. For a moment, or many moments, i wanted to run away or just hide. To escape and not assume responsibility and others support my decision but i cannot.

Where is my dignity and pride?

Who am i if not someone who is capable of being dragged through muck and mud and yet still rise after?

I use to know that girl who is tougher than even the most compact of nails but maybe, maybe this passage of growing up, after feeling complete for the past three years have become worn and i am threading on fresh grounds. Maybe i will walk that path that i did when i was a teenager, make the same mistakes. Stumble and fall and scrape my knees and hesitantly try to rise after. Maybe this is a new era for me at the age of 21.

It is no longer about soul-searching or knowing who i am in the context of ME. But it's me looking for me with the hands of others on my shoulders, with the flesh of others as company beside my skin. It might be about me and responsibility and society.

This doesn't bode that well with me, y'know...

I hate leadership. I hate telling others what to do but until this three months is up, i'll have to take care that nothing bad happens under my watch.

It took me sometime to recover from falling apart i think mainly because i'm not used to it and i don't want to.

I have to say that i still do not like my partner for making me feel like this (as a matter of fact, my dislike burns somewhere closer to hatred) but i have to learn to deal with it. I was thinking of resigning from being arts rep because he seems like the kind who might work better by himself but maybe i am mistaken.

I'm just not doing it because i'm afraid that the only reason that i want to quit is because i'm running away. How can i face myself if that's the reason, right? So it's gonna be three months more...

But the main problem comes that the moment i pegged my partner as incompetent, i began treating him as such to the point that i become irrational. People say that i have the right to be angry with him and because of this, i do not hold my anger back but i've got to be the bigger person. I've got to be stronger than some words uttered by people who know me better than they know him. So God bless them, they are bound to take my side.

The problem is mainly that he chaffs at my patience.

Alright, i think i've let this rot for the past few hours. I've stewed over the situation and... well, i'm meeting him again tomorrow. We'll see what comes out of it.

Y'know, honestly, i think i'm some sort of a dragon lady lately or something. I just want to chew everything in front of me or set it on fire. Kinda strange. Usually my destructive tendencies simply extends to killing people. I think this is one of the first that i just feel wholly unhappy in general. I guess.... there goes my teenage angst.

I'll try to keep the blog updated more regularly now. Hehe...

I'm gonna solve this problem, damn it =P

Chant

There are a few things i should remember.

1. This is me i am talking about.

2. I do not tolerate failure.

3. I do not fail.

4. I will find a way.

5. Because this is me.

I will not, should not, must not give up because i can do this.

I am stronger than you think. Damn it, you can't break me.

These are just complaints lumped together. Nothing big.

Wanted to do this but internet was being a bitch. We all know that of course when i need to get my head straightened out, everything in the world just has to go awry.

Great.

Okay, maybe the internet isn't the bitch. All i'm telling you is that you're dealing with a very pissed Me at the moment so... i hope you can find it in your heart to excuse the bitterness.

It rather hurts me to ramble on aimlessly like this. I thought, firstly, i shall list the items that has been plaguing my dear, tender, little head. I am a worry wart at heart and really, procrastination does nothing to heal the situation.

1. Student Council

2. Crush

3. Friendship

4. Responsibilities

5. School

Okay, it is definitely on purpose to not name anything. I happen to use the Google Blog Search quite proficiently and goodness knows, this blog should be the last to be unearthed.

Alright. Now that that's out in the open, i shall begin the task of straightening out my worries. Find the cause and the cure where possible. Sometimes i do hate the sound of silence in my head because breathing in your own words should not be too healthy for oneself but this blog is in a way, airing all my problems simultaneously. It is a harsh testament for those who are reading as well as those whom i will speak of in a moment. Optimism often comes with a price. Such as this simple moment where i will massacre all faith placed upon me.

I believe i can no longer separate the professional life i am meant to lead and the private. All of a sudden, everything becomes a jumbled mess i can neither make head nor tail from.

The Student Council i suppose should be filed under 'responsibilities'. But really, that is in a way, in a league of their own. I'm a simple representative. But, my problem mainly lies in the doubt i have towards my leadership. I'm currently helping out the VP with a committee she has because she will be away. It's only temporary, but i've landed myself at the top of the food chain. Now, comes the task of doing what i said i would do.

Planning, well, that's my specialty. But, delegation requires willing participants. I don't think anyone is too excited to work on something for the sake of university. Or the students of university. I don't even know why i care sometimes too because everyone and everything are just so convinced that society is apathetic towards everything. I think i'm sick of this.

Why is it just because someone, somewhere, at sometime said that 'The end is near', we should all act like lifeless teenagers who never broke out of their angst stupors? What happened to the age of brilliance and imagination without the need of opium?

We've fallen into a grind convinced that just because economy is bleak, life is monotonous and that we have no control our lives that we begin living a god-less, lost, existence. We have nothing to live for anymore and i'm tired of us all believing in that.

It's to the point that society is crying for liberty because they believe that freedom has to be that greener pasture. We aren't free enough, are we?

Okay, that went way off topic.

But, that might be a problem with the committee that i was suppose to lead. I can deal with idealists because believing in something means you have something to live for. Something to work towards...

How am i suppose to plan events with people who believe that others have no interest because they themselves cannot generate the interest? How can i make peoples' heart beat? Because isn't that what a good leader does? She/He injects passion into your soul?

Honestly, i'm one who's afraid of passion. But, for their sakes, i hope i have enough for us all.

I seem to always be watching my back with the whole representative thing. Like, i expect something to creep up on me when i'm not looking or something. I should probably list down the things that i'm suppose to do, separate them from others and tackle them systematically. I shouldn't randomly panic and have bursts and spurts of epilepsy thinking about my tasks.

It goes the same with responsibilities. I worry that i might have signed myself up on too many things. But, i keep on forgetting that it's a matter of perspective.

It's quite a paradox because i love being busy but i cannot acknowledge that i'm busy lest i be crushed under the weight. I think i keep on wanting to show other people that i'm busy. That's where the problem comes in. If i just live my life, with only me in it, rather than trying to make me the center of all these other people, things would be much better.

I keep on running all around the place, hoping people would notice? No, that's too brazen. It's more like, i often complain. I complain about my kitty who's sulking, i complain about my work as representative... i complain a lot. And fact is, there are other people who are dealing with much more than me.

I should be thankful that i have something to do with my time. No, on the other hand that doesn't sound right. That's like me being thankful for being given herpes or something like that. But... well, i suppose it is something to be thankful for. I should be thankful that i was given the opportunity to do this, where others have failed. I should be thankful that with these responsibilities, it opens doors of possibilities. And it's like a one-stop training center where hopefully by graduation, i would be a stronger person. Where maybe, i would learn from my mistakes.

Most of the stress that i'm accumulating now is from my fear of doing something irreparable. I shouldn't say take the risk. Jump of the building. You'd never know if you can fly. But, i shouldn't be too paranoid. I should keep on moving forward because i have to believe that there is a forward and it's a forward worth reaching.

My last problem speaks for itself.

So i'm going to the two that i mentioned which is my private life. A new crush and the problems in political friendship. Okay, the crush is just a distraction. I think i'm so stressed that my mind thinks i need something good in my life.

Okay. Well, no biggie there. It isn't a solve-or-not-solve sort of situation. So, i'll save that for last and that is only if i feel like blogging about it.

The more important situation is in the politics of friendship.

Okay.

I have a friend.

Oh gee, girl. I am so amazed. Right. Okay, back to the issue.

You know how familiarity breeds contempt? I'm that sort. If you get too close to me in a short period of time, i would really, really, really love to push you away. I'm a bad person. But, unfortunately, and to make matters worst, i say it with no remorse. Because i suppose, simply the fear of anyone coming closer than the wanted proximity has alarm bells ringing in my head. I really am not guilty over my territorial nature.

I'm sorry to say, if you do read this that this instinct has protected me many times.

It shields my core from simply hurts. I suppose that is why i am not trying to change myself. I can only give an empty apology for my nature.

Anyway, this old friend of mine started coming closer. Not in the way that you would imagine. You know, all sneaky and slowly. No. He was right there next to me, and it seem to get worst until he noticed that i have been more surly than usual around him. Fortunately, he was perceptive enough to ask and i found that courageous.

Okay... i should delve more into details. Just to clear things up, if it seems like it's a sweet friendship waiting to turn into something more, stop the violin music. It isn't. Read on and you'll know why. I suppose i shall explain my surliness which stemmed from him clinging too much...

I knew it was from an inferiority complex. I knew it is what happens if you don't like yourself. I know he hates the thought of being alone with only him in his mind. Because so many in his past has hated him for himself. How can he find the love to accept himself after all that?

I'm going to do something really mean, right now. I'm going to reveal my analysis of him not out of spite but, for those who are reading and for my own sake, i have to clarify my understanding of this boy. But understand i will talk down on this human. Because i'm not a nice person.

And so he clings to anyone who does not kick him away. But he's used to being treated like he's inferior. He's used to being submissive. But he has a part of him that rebels in anger. I'm not too sure where it comes from. Only that i have felt it many times. Sometimes it's from denial.

Humanity always believes they are more complex than what they seem because we are a network of emotions. There are certain parts of himself that he cannot accept or cannot stand to be misunderstood.

It comes from the need to protect his beliefs. Or so i assume.

He comes from a family with many idiosyncrasies. His mother has shown much anger in his younger years but i have not met her to say that there was probably where he learned to wield his anger. Although, i do admit that i believe so.

His father was strict. So i assumed that wrote his constitution.

I don't know where his hatred comes from although... it would be easier to believe that it comes from his own. That would make it curable. Or at least not so impossible to aid.

I think all i want to do is make the anger go away. But he does not believe that he is angry and he feels no guilt for it.

Just like me and my territorial nature. These two instincts have protected us in the past. So, his psyche doesn't feel the need to discard it. Then, just to be fair, i shouldn't remove it right? Cause i don't know where i would be without my territorial nature. Gosh, so many of my principles can be compromised. Isn't it the same for him?

We're two individuals who probably should not ever be brought together. Because i'm guessing he feels hurt by my territorial nature which doesn't allow any random stranger near my being. Especially if he needs a place to rest by and i'm hurt by his anger because it burns me.

I suppose i'm the one being selfish here. Because i understand, so i should just live with it right? I should destroy this fear of strong emotions from my system because it's hurting those around me.

Sigh. But i have to admit, that that isn't the worst part. The devil of me awakens when i interact with him.

I'm trying to help him get over his inferiority complex but i can't deal with volatile emotions. When he reacts strongly -which he often does - i start getting defensive. When you're trying to breach my constitution, i consider it barging into my territory and that is extremely unwelcome. I start talking down to him, acting exactly as all those before him who bullied him. I'm not helping him get up. I push him further down. Everytime he tries to insert his opinion, i feel the brush of his emotions and it freaking scares me and i do the worst thing in the world that i can do to anyone.

Because damn it, i know his weakness. I know how to hurt a person because it's just so damn easy.

And i do it! Again, and again and again.

Because i'm scared.

Usually i can laugh it off and say, what fear? Pah! Fear isn't a word in my vocabulary.

But not when it comes to emotions. When i can feel your anger, your pain it's like breathing darkness. It's like caressing needles. It's like something in me just shirks in fear because i'm so damn afraid that it will consume me.

I have no right to do this to other people. I want to type "Because i'm stronger" but even my fingers know that that is a lie. I can't beat this easily because i'm guessing, i'm the only one who's bothered by it. I think everyone gets along fine.

I want to say that i can stop putting him down but i know, in order to go cold turkey with that, i need to get over my fear. Because my reaction so far has been out of fear. So i reply in the vehemance of the moment. It would not be an attainable goal for the moment.

What i can try to do, is control my anger when i reply. I have to remember what he's suffering from and what he's going through. I have to remember, if only for a split second that he hates himself and that i in no way should fuel that even in my tirade. I can only try control.

Because i'm not strong enough for the cure.

I think this is one of the more personal dumps i've made. Because you get to see the darker side of me who i usually try to hide or cover with whispers of sweet apologies. I'm cruel. That's just it. I can hurt people so easily. Kill them too. Or create a void where they exist.

I hate myself sometimes. But i have something that he could not gain unless he embraces himself. The acceptance of me which made me too big-headed with my abilities...

What your birthdate means

Haha!! This is going to be a really short one but i couldn't resist. =P

This is the result of a quiz entitled 'What my birthday means' on facebook.

You are curious and a true follower. You can please someone so much that it seem like you are trying to charm that person. You hide your disagreement under your smiling face. This is a charming quality of yours. Your Love, You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream person is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy/gal in your heart.

Strange how accurate it seems save the last part where it says that my love life is under turbulence. Well, that's mainly cause it doesn't exist.

But charming for hiding disagreement? Hmm...

Actually, when you think about the accuracy of these tests, wouldn't you wonder how exactly alike you are with around 200 000 over people who share your birthdate?

That means, what i'm going through, is exactly what the next 21st May baby is going through.

Really weird? Or are we all just so predictably alike?

And... how can i break out of this, if i so believe that it constricts me?

A little too personal for my taste

I have a very weird thing to say.

I think i'm craving attention. And ouch! isn't it damn hard to keep my hands to myself.

I'm not sure how deeply i want to go into details but this is to unload right? So err... i'll just. Unload.

I was in a committee in school that conducts some sort of hearing for kids who aren't doing so well. My presence is perhaps a coincidence + providence, but heck, i won't say that i was some big-wig who really deserved to be there (let me put myself down now before anyone thinks that i'm bragging). Anyway, one of the kids... well... the kid's sorta failing all the units. And the reason given was a family problem. The failure was done as a cry for help. A cry to seek attention.

And... well... i can understand something. About me that is. About how much i really want this attention thing.

I think for a moment there... no. I won't make it sound like that possibility isn't stewing in my head. But... being in the hearing made me realise that there are people who genuinely care. And... i dunno. Suddenly this idea to sort of fail my subjects, sit in the hearing and let people hear my story suddenly came about in my head. And it has a certain appeal, y'know.

Heck, it's just an idea. I mean something not to be taken seriously and such but... there's this tug in my heart that goes... what if. All i have to do is fail. Then maybe people can acknowledge that there's a problem.

I know it's a stupid thing to do. Really, i do (heck, i was lecturing myself for even *thinking* such a thing) but... i don't know why i would even want to do something like that. It isn't like i don't have great friends who listen to me when i need them to.

It isn't like i'm on this island screaming my heart out and the only reply is the silent calm of the waves.

It isn't like i need the attention.

Do i?

Is it just me becoming more self-centered and wanting people to look at me more? Heck, then why don't i just wear a bikini to school? That'd get a lot of attention for sure! Instead i want to sacrifice my studies.

Why? Cause it's easier?

I really shouldn't be super pissed at myself because of this. I know i won't consciously do it. But i worry that hidden desire inside of me might just take root and grow.

I know times isn't easy in my house. I know support is weak here especially when i need it most but... i always feel like the academic should never, ever be combined with the personal. Like, never hate your teachers. Or never let a crush get in the way of your studies. Never let a fight get in the way of your studies. Never, ever let family problems get in the way of your studies.

Maybe that's it.

After seeing a few kids who had family problems which caused their grades to suffer, my mind thinks it's alright.

I'm not the only one, it says. See all of them. See that they exist. So, it's okay to fail because of your problems.

No.

That shouldn't be the way.

It isn't okay.

I'm not some kid with weak principles. I live by my constitution and they should not be altered at a single whim.

I can't say that i'm stronger than them because, it takes greater courage to face what they had on that day.

I might have turned tail and ran.

But i can't break my code just because others conduct lives without them (hell, this is sounding like religion again isn't it? Maybe i should choose theology as a profession).

The difference between them and me is that i have an expectation of myself in these quarters.

I was in a course that i did not want to do and i was on the Dean's List (only for a sem =P) for crying out loud! I didn't allow my family problems to interfere then, so why do i find it appealing to let it now?

Probably because of the craving attention thing. Maybe i should see a guidance counselor. Anything but let my grades slip. No matter what, my grades are SACRED, man. They should be untouched by ANYTHING!!!! I guess i can always just call Lat everyday or something if this matter starts becoming really bad. We'll see how next sem starts.

So, i shall declare it now.

Of my smooshed ramblings

Okay, this is going to be a really neurotic post because basically, my head feels like it was smooshed by two cymbals or pans or SOMETHING cause my view of the world now, resembles like that portrait of the Silent Scream by... someone.

Ah, forgive my ignorance. I have to admit the past 72 hours haven't been my most brilliant. As a matter of fact, last night, after coming home from CNY-ing with the mates, i suddenly had this urge to clean up my closet. Mind you, i was rather smooshed at that point too and as i folded the HUNDREDS of clothes that i have (really must donate more to charity) i decideed what a horrible and stupid idea it was because i couldn't even keep my attention span long enough to decide what pile i should place my shirts in. Yes, i am currently very neurotic.

Luckily the only harm you have to worry about when folding clothes is making sure the magins of the shirts are aligned so that they look nice and pretty in the closet. Doesn't matter that i'd mess it up in a few days too.

Oh gee... there i go talking about me cleaning out my closet. How bizarre is that?

I know i'm not suppose to be jet lagged. My mommy said that we're young and apparently only old people get jet lagged. So, since she isn't (i guess that just means she isn't old =P) we shouldn't be. I think i'm NOT jet lagged. Cause, it isn't the disorient of daylight and nighttime that bothers me. Just that... i don't feel too rested, i guess.

I came back and the first thing that i was thinking was: The Student Council thingie. Shucks!! And then there's the APC meeting with the lecturers next week which i ALMOST forgot but i jotted it somewhere in my head, so i knew it was sometime next week. And then, i suppose is the social calls which i want and must do at the same time (my room is overstuffed with souvenirs and clothes at the moment ^_^;;). So, must plan meetings for next week. Must plan outings for next week. And must sound intelligent and brilliant through all the above. Hmm... i think the third's the hardest.

Especially cause i haven't squirmed meself a nice niche in the council. Heck, half the time i wish the meetings are over with and the other half... well... i realise that i have ten fingers and i *really* don't know what to do with them. I should go to meetings earlier too... I think i might have made the initiative to arrive later but this means i have to change my attitude. Having a post means i have to hoister the responsibilities handed out and i have to do them with integrity and in a way that merits those i am responsible for.

Granted, my creativity level or social skills is somewhere near zero (especially when it's party planning. I'm paper work not party planner, that's for sure) but, i can offer assistance with consistency right?

Hmm... worst come to worst i shall come with a book and an interested expression on my face. Don't mind that i'm zoning out behind the dead eyeballs.

Okay, i sound completely high of myself. I will try to commit more. Is that better?

Haha!!

Oh, i want to jot down some of my thoughts on London and Amsterdam but i think i might have rambled too much to Chibi yesterday (Sorry Chibi!!).

Okay... just placed some quotes in Fb. Hehe... Right...

I'm gonna fold more clothes now. Really, i should just donate some of my stuff. I think i have too much ^_^;;;

Byes!!