Why did i take this job? Why did i bloody well take this job? Why *do* i do what i do? Is there something out there that's puppeteering my movements? No.
Fact is, no.
There is only one reason i took the job. One reason that i am so abashed by and i so completely scorn myself for because i dare degrade myself to such a degree that i would do this when i laugh at those who do... Have you guessed it? The reason? It's a boy.
I did it for a fucking boy. I did it to be closer to him. No, not in the mushy way that *you* my dear friend might be thinking. But to understand him better. (I'm really changing my blog name to the 'He' Chronicles now. It's the only thing i talk about). I think... I want to work for a cause that's close to his heart, so that he can see change done and have hope for the future. So that... he might be proud of me... Even though he doesn't know me. It might make me a presence in his world no? Albeit a shadow.
Strange huh?
I don't know if i'm pining for him. I'd like to think i'm not. But i worry this is the reason for my stagnant growth; i seem to be measuring myself against his standards and in an unconscious way, he is controlling my options, my reasons. I think loving someone who doesn't love you back is like a cage. You will never please them, nor yourself.
I can't say i don't know how to change. The answer is easy: just move on. And i will try though i cannot say i will muster all my strength and accomplish what at this moment seems close to impossible. I've deactivated facebook for now, so i don't know what he's doing when. He will be leaving and i think i should be happy of the absence of news. Maybe in a years' time, i will start another facebook account with a different name. Hopefully he is not the first thing to come through my mind when i go online, go to work, pass his neighbourhood. It's like grappling with a shadow and it's frustrating that i'm not winning.
I think there are other advantages to deactivating facebook... at least i wouldn't be thinking about how to sound cool most of the time. I rarely update because i didn't want to craft my statuses. I wanted it to be as natural as possible. But that would leave it up for scrutiny from Him, his party and everyone else whom i permitted to view on facebook. Considering i am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal, that means everyone is able to judge what i do.
I don't think i can easily take that kind of criticism. Heck, even when someone say my clothes are mismatched i get defensive and they want to attack my words? I'd be toast.
I think i should take this time to reflect what is important to me.
Even though i took this and the previous jobs for him, they turned out well. Sometimes i pray this is a ploy from God to maneuver me in the right place for the right moment to occur.
But, most importantly, what is it that i want to do? I remember once i said 'make change'. Change to fight for the freedom from conformity. Change that allows people to remain true to themselves. I'm not thinking about society and their political beliefs like whether being gay is okay or not or anything like that. I want to preach understanding. I want to point out that different side, different view, different lives from what we lead. And yet, they seem so similar to who we are. Because that's how we appreciate things and people... by connecting them to us. Everything i'm doing now is still being screened through the 'His reaction' screen but... i think if i can stay off facebook any maybe away from him, things should be alright.
I really don't know why he haunts my thoughts. Even my first crush does not seem to have a powerful hold on me. Although i think i did pine 3 months from being apart then. However, the feelings dissipated with time.
I think with this boy, as long as possibilities exist, i will consider him an option. We have a connection. But, a connection that i believe aids me better than it does him or otherwise i think. Him and his girl are perfect for each other and i can see them well into their married days. Maybe that's why i don't want to go on facebook; because i will always see their smiles.
I think it's time for me to stop thinking about the boy and start thinking about my future. What can i be?
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