Identity Crisis

Okay, maybe for once i'll try writing a post that does not pilfer my words out for the sake of sounding intelligent.

Now, i use to be one heck of a kick-ass writer (heck, really? well, i think so) at least in comparison to now. I think words just come better to me when i'm at the bottom of the food chain. Come one, last time the parentals said i sucked at writing, and guess what, well, it wasn't that i proved them wrong, but i did get better. They also said i sucked at art and again, no picasso here, but at least i can err... colour. Yes. Colour. I think my heart isn't attached to my art.

I think i need to write without worrying about the perceptions that surrounds the writing. Like, i don't think i want to write with all the higher english and stuff. I want to just write a normal story that might, in a way, reflect me. Because i'm learning that myself as a writer... well, all i want is to leave a footprint in this world. I'm not even asking for the weirdo immortality stuff.

I just want to be here.

So i write in words that i gather to be more intelligent than my own. But guess what? It doesn't flow better! How am i suppose to say that i want to write street slang in my articles? How do you explain to people that your voice broke, that's why you can't sing better? (I know this is unrelated, but if you know that i'm a girl then maybe you get the point).

Why would i want to belittle what i had, the ability that i had and replace it with this other desire that is not worth the price? It's like my capabilities fell apart but my desire to write still haven't. So i insist on forcing myself to churn out stories that are semi-intelligent.

Why shouldn't go all the way on stupid right?

Because of pride.

I told chibi during the weekends i think that writing encompasses everything. It is such a clear reflection of who you are that once you write, there's just this comfort to know that it is you who hold the pen. You can write about anything and be accepted.

Then what about this difference in my ability? This sudden need to talk in street language and be regarded as someone of lower social stature than one who is capable of mingling with the upper folks?

I dunno...

Maybe i should write a story in street slang and try it out. Gauge the reaction. But the minute i want to write something funny, something else stops me. It's like i can't bring myself to regurgitate all the funny things that i've read (reference to intertextuality here).

I'm confused... And i guess this is where identity crisis comes in ^_^;;