Indecisive

Hello!!

Long time no see. Yeah. I really should be in bed by now but, since i just ate and stuff. Hmm.... i have a few questions in my head. Not the important sort, mind you. Stuff that is in regards to myself which really isn't what i should be thinking about at this moment. I'm suppose to figure out my studies. Where i stand, bla bla bla. That sorta stuff. I have no idea where i'm getting this bimbo vibe from, but, seriously, it's taking over my head. I've been spacing out too much these few days especially in class when it's necessary to pay attention. It seems when my head isn't in the game, that's when the head coach is asking me to throw some beautiful curve balls.

Numero uno, i know what this course is about... i think.... No, that wasn't a note of doubt that you spotted. I'm still understanding the course but being surrounded by people who have a natural aptitude for the subject AND throw in my latest state of mind in the pitch what you get REALLY screwed ball game. Not to mention assignment's next week and the only progress i've achieved is that my panic levels are higher. Right. Not to mention that every step of the way i'm rethinking my steps though those thoughts remain a silhouette.

I know this is what i want to do that i fear being AFRAID of failure isn't allowing me to move forward.

In this course you need originality. An understanding and a good grasp of self. I'm shutting the whole world out to find myself inside but i feel like i'm grasping at nothingness. In the midst of this high, i feel like i've become intangible, yet, i exist in the exact same moment.

I think it's related to culture shock and the fact that this environment is very much different from what i had before but, that also might be my shield towards adjustment. I'm forcing myself to hide because of? I'm still trying to figure me out as i'm trying to figure the subject out. But, i'm so worried about myself that i'm not allowing me free reign to let my mind roam. Because i know i can do this. I might not be as talented as others but, i have my own questions to ask. Yes, they're small town questions. It's a rather pessimistic and sad outlook on life. My questions in journalism connecting much to the human discovery and stuff that are unimportant. And to a cetain point, it even reaches a black. I DO NOT know what to question!!

Humans have plenty to ask that the above statement should be impossible... I'm afraid of something.

In the course before this, everything came naturally. It was a path that i've walked down and the street signs are so familiar that i know the route though i've never been there before. This is a new street and though my heart tugs in a certain direction. My mind is saying wait. And my heart is asking, what for?