About Me

Okay, i don't really know the purpose for this entry. Usually i am driven to punch words into digital existence however, today, i find that i am compelled to do so. Nothing angry or permanent or anything like that. Just a little need to talk to everyone and to me. Because we know that my other half don't listen too easily.

You know, i think i've been denying a part of me for some time. Like the denial becomes so bad that my body is rotting when i do not acknowledge the existence of this... thing.

For awhile, or at least since the beginning of this year, i've been telling myself, that i'm 'good'. I'm a good person. I do the right thing.

It doesn't help when you have other people who are perhaps... more irresponsible, more carefree, more inept than you... it's really much easier to elevate yourself. Or at least through your own eyes or deception or something. After carrying this belief that i'm such a good person for six months, it's really hard to go back. I start taking for granted that i'm a 'good' person.

A way i should look at this is that you have to be 'good' every single day. There's no such thing as the points of yesterday being carried forth to today. If you touch a person today, it is starkly different then those whom you have comforted yesterday. It's two different occasions and i think i have forgotten that.

You live each day to its own because the sins you make are marked differently.

It's sorta a side-effect of the days blending in together. Of wanting each day to end before it has even begun. I think i have forgotten the sense of adventure that comes with the beginning of each day. The possibility of discovery... or something. Now i'm just on this shallow line that seems to creep forever into the horizon and it never disappears.

I need to break out of this somehow.

Something else that i need to drive home is the simple fact that i'm not 'good'. I'm tainted and i had forgotten that. Silly me.

So i have this reservoir of unrepented angst trapped inside, buried so deeply within it becomes compressed into a shallow lake.

It was and is easy for me to forget my darkness.

Many people say i am obsessed with the perception of others towards me, it is true. Very true.

Yet, how easily can i be accepted by society, pray tell if i wish my hands to be drenched in blood? There are those who revel in such an act. But to hurt others goes against my constitution. It goes against ME and what i believe in.

I am uncomfortable sitting next to another with my bloodlust burning the back of my throat like bile.

I don't want to hurt other people. I don't want to kill them.

And this... this dragon lurks within me only i have always treated it as an 'Other'. It was never a part of *me* or so i wished to believe. But i am wrong.

I've stopped drawing people massacred, y'know... My drawings no longer bleed, they are no longer expressions of hurt or pain. They are bland depictions of joy because that is what i want my art to showcase.

Traitor, that's what the other me is saying.

I can't have my friends... particularly my Monash friends seeing this other side. Like i can't have my MMU friends knowing this creature is a part of me. They won't understand.

You don't know what it feels like to feel pleasure at the pain of another. To see someone tormented and have something within you smile with glee.

Fascinating isn't it? Funny like hell. Wait until you're at the receiving end.

I was just doing it yesterday, viewing the status of another person who i know that i've hurt. And i viewed, and i viewed, and i viewed. And i looked at the ones which i know i had influenced and something in my heart just twisted in pleasure.

I'm evil, you know. I'm tainted.

And this is why solidarity suites me fine. Because i cannot wrap another within my shadow. Because i can't stand hurting other people...

Maybe because i know it will give me pleasure. But it's a sickening kind of pleasure that i don't want to feel.

I don't know if this is an issue that i need to settle with myself. Or maybe, it's a non-issue to begin with.

Because it isn't like i've lost control of myself yet that i hurt other people.

But, i think i need to bear this darker side of me in mind. Because ignoring it just makes me a cocky, arrogant bitch.