Keys of friendship

Yo~!!
Haha... i'm back here again aren't i? I hate myself... In the duration of this whole week, many things had occured. Haha. It might only be a domino effect from the heart-to-heart during the last weekends.

A friend of mine seems to hate me. Or something like that. I made myself agree that it doesn't matter how deep a friendship is. It is considered as friendship but... then.... even here the hierarchy of friendship is apparent. No. I take that back... i was never comparing it with anything else. The hierarchy of friendship in Assunta was never as blatant as this. The thorough desire to be with someone else.... for me it doesn't make sense. Yes, i do realise that my face lights up when a certain person is around or even at the call of my assu-mates but... this direct comparison breeds illness in my soul.

As an effect, my self-esteem plunges. As if it was not enough that my parents nicely and politely (yes, they are masters of language as well) told me that i wasn't worthy. Nah. They didn't say it. But that was what they made me feel like. The ultimate hatred towards my own soul, thrown back at me. Coupled with my friends recent show of sudden anger or coldness in my direction.... i don't know.... i did respond with anger as well. Haha!! I have not mastered the art of Control yet. But.... in their company... it was the same as it was in the first sem. I realize that i am ULTIMATE BOREDOM to be around with. Yeah, i'm that geek that if you need anything done, you come to but otherwise... sure you invite me for dinner and stuff (i never said they were mean) but it's just the acknowledgement that, you know, i suck.

I'm not one who brings the waves. Truth be told, i do not want to be. I have other things to worry about at the moment, so pretending to be cheerful isn't exactly at the top of my list. Hating me is understandable. Heck, even i hate myself. But hating me with no basis just brings confusion and frankly, pisses me off. I KNOW why i hate myself. I can list and trail every single reason why and show you. Sure, you might agree... or not that is completely up to you but if your hatred is genuine and not due to some hung up emotions towards some other people then you should be able to list your own thoughts, no?

I'm trapped somewhere between being completely self-indignant and completely utterly being destroyed by this turn of friendship. It's obvious that no one wants to be around me so... to save their sorry hides i should just back off right? I mean if you're a plague and you know you can kill people, the first thought would be to take your own life isn't it? But, at this bottom of the rut, i seriously do not feel like indulging in the thoughts of suicide. Haha. Done it too much i shold have died. But i didn't. Though death feels so much like a salvation. I should be dead. I should die. Someone should kill me. That is how fate is suppose to go. I should have never even been born for heaven's sake. But God probably brought me into this world for a reason. Too bad no one seems to know what that is.

There are those whose hands are capable of destruction as well as healing. Mine leans more towards destruction. I've hurt more than i've healed. I've killed and none who lay bleeding on the ground have ever rise. It is right, isn't it? For them to hate me?

I won't even talk about my writing here. Damn pissed off with myself. Hmm... maybe that's why their hatred is affecting me. Coupled with my own state of mind, i'm trying not to break me into pieces. I should have died.

At some point in my life, i think i missed a bus. A bus that was headed somewhere i really wish to go to...