The fault was my own...

I just realized how pissed off i was yesterday to have penned those words. Because, now that the sane me is back, i have to say that some facts that i have mentioned is not true. No, not about the one that Adie's suffering. Yeah, i make people suffer. It happens all the time but, it is about him using me. I guess, a person can always see it as that way... but i do realize, that eventhough he might not be there most of the time, he's still my friend. I guess cause the friendship bar is far higher in my book than any, he barely grazed it past aquaintance. And maybe expecting something more would seem as if i'm trying to pull an orchestra all on my own. Which wouldn't work. Don't misunderstand... He is a nice fellow. So is every tom, dick, harry, sara, jane, mary-anne in my life. Maybe that's why i would give my life for them cause they have given me something so completely priceless that cannot be replaced; their friendship. I'm thinking that the anger i displayed yesterday IS within my thoughts. But, it is rather dormant. It hurts but, maybe that's me hurting me. Yeah, i know how to do that very much. I also know that i pull these low-blows to make me feel better than the next person. Yeah, i'm frank with myself... I'm thinking that if a random person reads this blog, the person would see how bad i am. My darkness is obvious on this black page and... i was contemplating of deleting the entree before this but... i thought that if i do pull something like that, i would be in complete denial of my nature. I am dark. I'm screwed up. My mind is completely fucked that i dunno what semblance of sanity do i hold in my hands now. I wish to be honest, thus, i'll leave the post before. At one point in my life, those thoughts occured and i will not be afraid. I can only apologize though i know this blog will never fall in their hands. But due to this reason as well, it makes what i have said worst. Others might misunderstand. They are not me so they do not know the torrent within me. They do not know the paradox that i am. How the coin is so formed into a single piece that the two faces part with only a hairline. I have called a friend of mine names, behind his back, thus i have sinned. I have leapt to conclusions, and i am in the wrong. I judge myself guilty. Guilty of being a horrible friend to whom might have a potential to be an amazing one.