About The Stars in the Sky

I think this is a post about responsibility. About understanding my place.

My current work space leaves me adapt at allowing the flow to sweep my behind wherever they please. The other writers resist. They fight. But my existence has always been too ephemeral to be tangible. Like my strands are nothingness and slips and slides through the wind.

I do not fight.

I am attempting not to clear my closet, allowing different distractions to lure me away from intention. Convincing myself that this is enough - when it really isn't. When it really shouldn't be. I run every risk of losing myself in this flow and it isn't pleasant.

Sometimes I believe in protecting the generation of tomorrow. I believe that that is the destiny i seek. Because i know i am strong enough to take it. Then what is this path i thread on? Fucking road map, leave me in ditches and all.

Trying to obtain a sense of life that *is* when i have nothing to reassure me.

The road can be easy. It can be damn bloody easy that i'd walk forward and this is the road i thread for the next few years. This can be my destiny.

Save should at the age of 24 i decide the rest of my life to be the same? Is this not unfair to my future fates who might desire more? Should i not build building blocks for tomorrow and continue to strive and achieve?

But this working environment is different. Our strengths will not be tested unless we wish it to be.

Alright kiddo, honest hour - do you want to try for more?

Truth be told, i can hardly care less for this line. This isn't where my soul wants to be - though i can see if ever i wish to open a publishing house, such knowledge might prove to be fruitful.

I have to decide if this line will contribute to my future. If i am going anywhere that i want to go - because at this point, i am losing sight of who i am.

It gets worrying when i start acquiring distractions to keep me properly distracted. I know whenever i throw a guy in the mix, that's when my brain is throwing a spanner at the works.

I need to keep focused. But i don't know how.

I need to hold on tight and not change and understand that this road can lead somewhere. With prayers and guidance and light. I need to get to that place.

At the age of 24 i'd love to say i know where i'm going. That i'm building a life... But it looks like this road's a lot more complicated than it seems.

I should do Math

I can't silence the voices in my head.

They haven't done anything dangerous (although the compulsion to take a knife and drawing it across my neck is kinda freaky if my head wasn't in such a goofy mood that it almost seemed funny).

It's just a bunch of yattermouths that refuse to quiet down. Maybe i should write something... a story or something...

I'm guessing this is coming from a sense of restlessness that can't be quelled. The erratic nature of my mind does worry me quite a bit but it isn't like the voices manifested into a compulsion to destroy... Although it has once before.

I need an outlet.

Maybe i should do math.

c x redux part II

There was once a time i use to function with a mantra consisting of four words: Hate. Fear. Anger. Misery.

Hate yourself, because you are the darkness of your soul. Anger: the only outlet i possessed. Fear -because i will forever be capable of hurting those around me. Misery: because loneliness is thy fate.

I suppose looking back, one would realize: "Boy, you've really got some issues". Such negativity and teenage angst; awfully reflective of the drama queen I can be. However, as much as most would think this stuck a permanent label of 'freako emo' on me, i grew up quite fine -no, don't ask me to define 'fine'. Hatred strangely enough, brought me closer to love and the appreciation for those around me.

But things change. I changed.

Growing past that phase has its downsides. One is me becoming a downright selfish bitch who cares little to nothing for the consequences of my actions on those around me. At least angst!me would not be so callous.

After i learned that it's 'okay' to not hate myself so much, i began accepting myself for who i am. Accepting me means knowing my limits, my boundaries. In completely technical aspects, i was able to identify my weaknesses and allow for a semblance of growth in living skills. But emotionally, i was becoming too pampered. Self-hatred keeps a meticulous account of check and balance of my actions. I would forever think twice before executing a single act; perpetually running possible scenarios in my head to ensure an outcome that satisfies both me and society.

I don't do things on a whim.

These days, i can easily say my accounts have gone out of whack. The steps of check-and-balance skips a few steps, stopping at 'if i'm okay with it' and neglecting everything else. My mind reasoned by stating that others wouldn't care anyways. In todays' society, the problems that would affect others are large-worldly types such as the quest for democracy and justice. I think me coming a little late to some party wouldn't matter.

Even if a part of me protests that it does matter, the majority of my mind says it does not affect the fabric of this world. I have become callous with my relations and really, to those who have been hurt, i can only profusely apologize. But any attempts i make at resolutions of 'never again' are like chastity vows taken by the female protagonist in any teen movie - it just never works.

It's a serious flaw i am trying o overcome. Coming late for parties, not replying e-mails only serves to show my priorities in life and how much I don't care.

I can say my priorities has shifted. Once, I would have placed others before me. Once, I would have hated myself enough to realize the company of another is God-sent. I have become different. This self-absorbed bitch is not all too nice to deal with.

In light of finding my way in this life, trying to carve an immortal mark for myself, and just understanding why the hell i just feel so god damned lost have me becoming so absorbed in my own thoughts. So lost until the world that surrounds me becomes blurry at its best definition.

I'm trying to find a reason for my growing apathy because hopefully by identifying what this darkness is blossoming in my chest, i might be able to recover from this spell.

For the moment, i am biding my time using the patience of my friends to identify this 'thing' that i'm going through. It will run out soon, i'm sure it will.

The question is probably which first? The goodwill of those around me or my problem?

ultear

I am afraid to reach my dreams. Am i the only one? How many have refused to thread the path to their ambitions if it means sacrificing the farce of life? Thinking in 'ifs' and 'maybes' that in reflection warrants longing rather than pride? Because we know that if we walk this road, it seems like there is no turning back. Like if this door slams in my face, i will never ever be able to look me in the eye and say 'it's okay'. "We'll get through this". "The next will be better".

The question is, "do I dare?"

Too late. I don't.

I do not believe in dreams anymore. Somewhere along the way, I have cast them as pointless.

Yet a part of me cries, who am i save for my dreams? What are these disenchanted voices in my head that sings different songs? Am I not one?

My soul knows I have wavered. I have lost.my.way. And i do not WANT to go back. Because i know to go back is to grasp my dream. It is to strain for my dream. Starve and suffer and die along a road that i do not know i am able to complete.

Have i the strength? Is this where my youth feels it has failed? Because i am not able to walk this road. I am not able to strive and scream for pure passion. My sword has dulled in its edge.

I am not who I was and I am afraid, the coward that I am.

God help me. God help me. God, help me.

Help me feel because this numbness cripples me. It is so complacent i feel no need for growth.

Please save me before i have nothing but a heart of stone.

untitled

Sometimes I worry I injure others more than I intend. My friendships often consist of two strangers forming ties that till the end of the day, I may know nothing of you. Of me. Of us. We are two who will hurt. I worry we will be a broken people.

I have done society a great injustice by taking a side. By choosing my opinion over the rationality of moderation. There is that middle path should i seek it. Yet the views seem to represent a child who i can barely taste in the passing wind.

I have done the world a great injustice by believing in me. I forget, how i forget the voices in my head.

I hope they return soon.

I can do this

I think it isn't easy to walk forward without looking back. Somehow you'll always end up sneaking that glance backward. A glance enough to wrench one from the present into a world that was. I have taken steps forward, that I believe is true, yet I must admit i find no solace in the fixtures around me. Reality seems so dissociated from the present that my presence flickers.

Sometimes i believe i exist for days at an end without really being here... The human mind is a wondrous thing.

I have become adept to silencing my words. For i know if they are to be uttered, my mother will comment on the sarcasm. Sarcasm is not the greatest tool in my arsenal, mother. Knowledge is. Thus, I had corrected her.

The people here think I am arrogant. So completely obnoxious but I must remain conscious to my own actions. Perhaps it is true that I am quite pompous with my claims, only because I wish to remain the center of focus. It becomes unfair if I am unable to play the push and pull tug of war that i have become so adept at.

2012

I'm really going to have to do something about this arrogant streak. I'm going to bring myself down to earth and i'm going to have to do it fast. Otherwise i'm going to lose all of my friends and that will not be pretty.

Maybe I will have to think about what is important. I know this job is important. I know if i think about the cause it is important. But, is it worth being such a jerk towards my friends for? I think working in a small company, we get a really small demographic of people who surround each other every day and who know what the other is thinking. In a way, i forgot how it was like not to care - which was one of the reasons why i didn't want to care about this cause to begin with - because the propaganda i produce will be twice as effective. Now i'm too close. And it's getting quite difficult to get further away.

I think there are certain facts that we can't change. Our goal is to criminalize war. People are saying things like "Maybe there are factors that's involved. There are people whose lives depend on this warfare." but, i suppose in my thoughts, it isn't worth a life. I think i need to create a character and try to understand things from her perspective. I need a... i dunno, let's call her Jenna.

We'll put Jenna around my age now. She grew up in Ipoh, Perak (cause i want to give her a place with good food). She glances the newspaper but doesn't focus that much on world news. Her friends often call her out and she's blessed with parents who understand the need for freedom, thus they do allow her that amount of independence. She's nice, polite and growing up in Malaysia, understand the need for religious tolerance and understanding. She had unwittingly absorbed some teachings from almost every religion but has decided to live depending on the barometer of conscience.

When she gets up in the morning, the first thing she will think of is food. Then, she will normally review her activities for the day (in the shower or something). The posters of UNICEF and such that display children are commonly ignored by her. She does not know if she is ready to help. She does not feel herself capable.

I don't believe people outrightly refuse ideas or activities if they do not receive an outright gain. I believe in that 'good' in people that if you know that there are people dying in other places for absolutely no reason, we would feel like helping.

In other words, places and the injustices done to the people over seas will have to be brought home. But, i think a part of me, the *me* part of me feels quite broken that we might be introducing these issues to them. I suppose in a sense, i should be thankful for their apathy, because then, they will not care.

Then, at least they are happy. It is upsetting because for something to be done, it unfortunately involves everyone. Me saying there are people dying for no reason, should not be the only voice. I think it's like how one of the activist i met put it, "What do you care about?" and, do you understand that what this is, will come for you at the end of the day. In a way, if we ARE the remaining independent power, then too bad, we'll be fried last lah. But i suppose i should not impose my fears on them.

It is difficult because we are pointing our metaphorical guns at the very hearts of those who are responsible for making the world go round. I become afraid for those whom i love, for my family, for my friends...

But they don't need to know my fears. They just... I probably just need them to support me regardless of what i do. I suppose if I cannot have their passion, i might just have to settle for their faith. For them to trust me regardless of anything...

The problem with hiding so much information is like carrying this massive secret that's always tempting to be thrown. I must be able to swallow it, to not speak of it all the time. Maybe i should do what i usually do with information of this kind... don't tell those I care about. Because i need, need, need them to keep smiling.

I need to stop feeling so smart all the time just because I know something they don't and it's something that *gasp* will change their view of the WORLD!! Or not. But anyway, i have to gather strength to protect them, in a sense.

I just need to think about other things. Like birds, or cockroaches or anything. I should be happy listening to their stories instead of thinking "well, we might be dying by 2012 anyway...."