Egotism

I think people change every minute of their daily lives. The person that i was a millisecond before is definitely not the same creature i inhibit now.

My desires change, my emotions, my understanding... who i am in terms of reaction become so completely different. Yesterday, I would have ranted and raved about my boss and how the world conspires against me. But i suppose, I should be better than this.

What difference am I from him and those like him if i let the anger consume? I remember once, i could have swallowed fire. I would have ingested it into a smaller flame. Where has that patience gone?

Where has my understanding and human compassion gone?

I have written on my wall, 'what is understanding but caressing the soul with your fingertips?'

It burns.

It does burn and just like him who do not want to feel my pain, i refuse to acknowledge his.

Do i worry i burn and find no outlet for my pain? I have learned to fear the fire... Sorry, too many burns. I do not wish to receive any more.

But, every day we live it cannot be denied that we are inherently morally judged. Everything i do is a testimony of me and those around me.

I cannot be afraid of that fire.

I use to revel in pain but there are pockets in my conscious where i only wish to feel the joy and all the happiness and the egoism i can pertain and after, i feel really filthy for wanting to boost my arrogance. Mostly because i should not, and there are those who are moral conducts who say i should not. I will not deny that most of my actions are to keep people happy. It's to keep me happy too, hopefully.

Maybe if i limit the times my egotism may take charge... But then, i worry others will comment on the inconsistency... But maybe that is the risk that i have to take, probably as the girl who hates-then does not hate-then hates her boss/writings/work/world.

People change every second of the day, and I do hope we are able to understand and remember that...

Awesome! A post without a 'He'!!

Or on the other hand, nah. The bane of my soul today ladies and gentleman is still male by virtue of nature.

I wonder, how do you respect someone who does not respect you? On the other hand, what constitutes as respect? The fact that i work in an environment that treasures the hierarchy in comparison to bureaucracy means that i should worship those who are above me. Yet, I dare not.

I will bow to experience, kindness. I am bashful in the company of intelligence and brilliance. A sheer title does nothing but whisper vapour in my ears.

Perhaps this is where my upbringing and every juncture in life has failed me. I was not raised to worship those who stand above me. Rather, I see all of us as equal. Or perhaps, i am too pedestrian to mingle with such high society.

A friend of mine told me that I am not worthy of respect because i am a newcomer. I have to earn it. Then, i suppose, me being me who loves equality answer with, then he should earn it too. And i have already found his faults.

Yet, i can little rectify his wrongdoings. The only figure I am able to change, is myself and that means no more mistakes. No more wrong labels, wrong dates, wrong messages or any such communication. No doing anything wrong. Because i cannot be like him at all. I cannot slip up and I must remember to respect all those around me at all times. I will have to be attentive and focus on every task with a clarity of mind and complete each task with the determination to succeed.

I kinda know why I keep screwing up. I want to get jobs over with. They are menial small tasks that the big guns are not able to complete because they do not possess a scalpel. But perhaps i shall not act like a one trick pony. I will have to show versatility and exceed their expectations with small tasks and destroy any preconceptions they might possess.

I. must. improve. regardless of anything.

I think i cannot look at the horizon and curse at my pace reaching there. I cannot jump past steps because the road looks easy to thread.

Secure your ground. Walk carefully. Look left, look right. Not for company but for the view.

I must not make anymore mistakes because it is unacceptable to my character and i will exceed all expectations regardless of anything. I will forgo my sense of pride. They are used to others bowing before them, my head will just be another decoration.

I am stronger than this and in control of every emotion, movement, virtue and principles that i have.

I will not let him tear me down. I will not cower nor hate.

He Chronicles strikes back

Okie, time to be honest. Like brutally, absolutely and resolutely honest. It's got to be a resolution. I'd break otherwise.

Why did i take this job? Why did i bloody well take this job? Why *do* i do what i do? Is there something out there that's puppeteering my movements? No.

Fact is, no.

There is only one reason i took the job. One reason that i am so abashed by and i so completely scorn myself for because i dare degrade myself to such a degree that i would do this when i laugh at those who do... Have you guessed it? The reason? It's a boy.

I did it for a fucking boy. I did it to be closer to him. No, not in the mushy way that *you* my dear friend might be thinking. But to understand him better. (I'm really changing my blog name to the 'He' Chronicles now. It's the only thing i talk about). I think... I want to work for a cause that's close to his heart, so that he can see change done and have hope for the future. So that... he might be proud of me... Even though he doesn't know me. It might make me a presence in his world no? Albeit a shadow.

Strange huh?

I don't know if i'm pining for him. I'd like to think i'm not. But i worry this is the reason for my stagnant growth; i seem to be measuring myself against his standards and in an unconscious way, he is controlling my options, my reasons. I think loving someone who doesn't love you back is like a cage. You will never please them, nor yourself.

I can't say i don't know how to change. The answer is easy: just move on. And i will try though i cannot say i will muster all my strength and accomplish what at this moment seems close to impossible. I've deactivated facebook for now, so i don't know what he's doing when. He will be leaving and i think i should be happy of the absence of news. Maybe in a years' time, i will start another facebook account with a different name. Hopefully he is not the first thing to come through my mind when i go online, go to work, pass his neighbourhood. It's like grappling with a shadow and it's frustrating that i'm not winning.

I think there are other advantages to deactivating facebook... at least i wouldn't be thinking about how to sound cool most of the time. I rarely update because i didn't want to craft my statuses. I wanted it to be as natural as possible. But that would leave it up for scrutiny from Him, his party and everyone else whom i permitted to view on facebook. Considering i am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal, that means everyone is able to judge what i do.

I don't think i can easily take that kind of criticism. Heck, even when someone say my clothes are mismatched i get defensive and they want to attack my words? I'd be toast.

I think i should take this time to reflect what is important to me.

Even though i took this and the previous jobs for him, they turned out well. Sometimes i pray this is a ploy from God to maneuver me in the right place for the right moment to occur.

But, most importantly, what is it that i want to do? I remember once i said 'make change'. Change to fight for the freedom from conformity. Change that allows people to remain true to themselves. I'm not thinking about society and their political beliefs like whether being gay is okay or not or anything like that. I want to preach understanding. I want to point out that different side, different view, different lives from what we lead. And yet, they seem so similar to who we are. Because that's how we appreciate things and people... by connecting them to us. Everything i'm doing now is still being screened through the 'His reaction' screen but... i think if i can stay off facebook any maybe away from him, things should be alright.

I really don't know why he haunts my thoughts. Even my first crush does not seem to have a powerful hold on me. Although i think i did pine 3 months from being apart then. However, the feelings dissipated with time.

I think with this boy, as long as possibilities exist, i will consider him an option. We have a connection. But, a connection that i believe aids me better than it does him or otherwise i think. Him and his girl are perfect for each other and i can see them well into their married days. Maybe that's why i don't want to go on facebook; because i will always see their smiles.

I think it's time for me to stop thinking about the boy and start thinking about my future. What can i be?

ne... ja na

Honestly, i never thought this day would come. This day where absence feels stronger and closer to my heart. It makes sense you know. Makes sense to...

disappear

And be nothingness before all. Perhaps i am ready to leave. Perhaps this is the last of my roads. This ends here. And i have to let go. Really, no other is holding on save me. I posted Glen Hansard's song on fb mostly because it captured what i was feeling. But i didn't want others to understand the meaning of the song, so i didn't link it up.

Penang is far away and i am ready to move. There will be nothing there for me. Just embers of hopes and dreams. Here seems so... empty. There is nothing here for me too.

So shall i look for a new world where i can thread on air? Where the scent in the sky is one that truly is at one with who i am. I am not needed here and it is a feeling of... the end.

I came back for unresolved issues. Unanswered questions that i thought i should pursue the truth. And well... i got them. I know now. Solved rather peacefully unlike the fireworks of revelation i expected. Thus my time here seems stale.

Like i am fading as i walk down these halls. I think... this is it.

Goodbye,
alma mater

c x?

And i find myself thinking of who i was and who i am now. Of how this track seems familiar. Familiar challenges. Familiar roads. Familiar lipids lining the inner layers of epidermis. Everything from the signboard to the patch of grass in the distance screams i have seen this before.

And i go to work every day now. Working only never knowing the meaning of what i do. I have lost my words though i can see colour ever so clearly and beautiful now. How it glimmers with a world that is not life.

I am afraid.

This is not madness. Only a restlessness that i can little control.

I am not afraid. Not afraid of tomorrow that still takes me by surprise.

I am not afraid. I am so scared.

I do not know if i have enough fight left within me. I know if push comes to shove, i will bash your face right in. And that is what people have learned.

Don't push me. I fight back.

Then, each motivation comes from me. I am meant to be an adult. Perhaps this is why potential only stops at a certain point. This point. Because now, i am to tell myself i can do this. With no basis, no support from others, i stand on air and pray i stand tall. My features shall mark no fear because i do not know the meaning of such a word.

As i grow older, i realize the fragility of what it means to be human and i become so afraid. We do not protect the old, because they are so powerful, they move the world with a touch of their fingertips. How many of those men and women are human? How many will break with a single word?

Have they rose to the occasion and i only a child? What does this mean?

And i wish to cast my heart to the wind and tear the tendrils of this tentacled monster that drips slime over my growing frame. Because i can feel it closing around my neck, constricting the very air i breathe.

Can i insist i have wings though it is so apparent that i am nothing but human?

And cry and shatter when i hit concrete but might they not be earnest tears? How brave am i to see what others cannot see? Acknowledge a world so different from theirs when maybe, just maybe i have kindled the desire to fit in.

Update!!

My friends here are turning their back on me. Or at least the ones in Halls. Well, i can little blame them. They extended their hand of friendship but when we got too close, i became afraid. I was afraid to be a part of their family simply because i fear labels. I didn't want a definite label... Now, i find myself with no ally.

The solution is simple... Pester them till i find a place among them. But i have sacrificed much of my pride with the locals and the Caucasians. I wonder where that open and friendly me went? Yet, i do not know how to manage the open face with a high sense of pride. There has to be a balance somewhere... A way that might make both ways seem plausible. Like being open yet guarded... However, i operate in extreme binary settings. Such a compromise seems impossible especially in the current state of mind. I do not know how to reconcile...

I wonder how easy it is to wave goodbye to heartbreak.

Easier than easy, harder than hard. It is to be expected, is it not? It is not possible to tear the flesh of your back and gain wings to fly. Yet, the act itself might yield freedom. Dare you not believe?

Perhaps that faith is the only solace. I've got a simple problem. I've got a crush (common) but... he doesn't see me. I think this is the first time, my crush doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Interesting huh? I'm used to playing on a field where i call the shots and suddenly... well, obviously i'm playing this game alone. There's no one here with me.

For a moment there, i thought he knew. But i ran away. And it became obvious i ran away. And i ran into oblivion before him. I simply disappeared.

Or, it could have just been a misunderstanding from the beginning. If i take his methods as attempting to be near a certain friend of mine then, everything falls back into place. Only it alters the landscape beyond recognition. In other words, from the beginning, we never played a game of tag. I've been caught in someone else's field where he and a friend of mine were playing mary-go-round.

I suppose this might be for the best. He seems an excellent ally. If i can discard any silly ideas of hope, then i believe he will be a formidable teacher to have, if only to tutor me in my speech and such.

I hope all the best for him. He and my friend knows they will not be pursuing a relationship, i think. At least not now... but, i hope he does something nice for her anyways. Like say hi to her when he walks past or even ask her to dance in the coming party. She deserves the best and i hope he is able to give even a fraction of that to her.

I think i'm the unneeded player who will be bowing off the freaking field and well, it doesn't feel that bad. A few days couped up in my room watching anime helped rehabilitate me a lot. Let's hope i am able to handle society tomorrow. I can't seem to handle direct company for the past few days because of this matter but i hope tomorrow's okay.

Otherwise, it looks like i'm going to be a hermit who runs to her room every single time. Or i can just struck up a conversation with the locals in the common room. Haih... it seems like there's always a game to play here. Always a certain mask that has to be on. Well, i wanna say screw it! I shouldn't give a flying fuck what my freaking face looks like to all these nutty peeps!

But i can't find the anchor of acceptance yet. If i eat alone, the locals laugh at me, my own friends pity me. If i eat with others... well, for the past few days i've been feeling shitty so i've been holed up in my room good. Like i said, maybe tomorrow's better.

But you'd never know, putting on my game face might be good practice for the future. My line of work kinda needs that game face to be at the ready y'know XD But unlike at home where i have my friends to unload off when the Jekyll mask comes off, i've got no one.

No one here...

Just like MMU. How reminiscent of the fact that it's so hard to trust people. Meh!!

Well, i've stopped wanting to mother everyone. The pride gets in the way, y'know... But, like i said, hopefully tomorrow's better...

A little crack in my pretty vase

Well, i did it.

I finally made myself alone, so reminiscent of my times in MMU. Okay, to cure it would be just to ask them what time they're having dinner.... but that depends very much if i want to do something of such to begin with....

Wait, i'm complaining about it then trying to solve it then complaining about the solution? Strange much? Or just so me, that it never cease to amaze me, the level of stupidity i display XD

Haha!! I think i'm used to being alone that when i'm here, i try to be alone here too...

A part of my persona that asks for no help also insists i find no one in the case that i'm alone. Reason being i'm meant to be alone. So it is justified. And any given time that i am alone, i should study the moment...

But i forget, a majority of not being alone is seeking company. Seeking comfort...

Friendship isn't a matter of pride and i should give as well as take. Therefore, if i do want my friends to remember that i exist, i should call them every once in awhile, ask them how they're doing. Right? Instead of expecting them to call me because that is plainly selfish.

I think i've been selfish all these while and being estranged... well, i should stop trying to avoid them. I forget, not every company is as forgiving as my old mates. I mean, the cohesiveness of our camaraderie is commendable to a certain extent. Or to my comfort at least, i feel it should be replicated. But it is different from the people here.

I think i do not bring the joy they expect me to bring to the table. I guess it kinda hits your self-esteem when you realize you're not good enough. But, okay, i shouldn't make this about me. I should go and ask them what time they're having dinner, make plans with them, insert myself back into their lives.

Because they're a wonderful bunch of people.

I think me missing won't do much. Maybe that's what i realized when i went with them to the Great Ocean Road. They're a cohesive bunch among themselves and i think a part of me envies that.

But i have to remember, that i have friends back at home who are still there for me. Who are capable of catching me when i fall. So, regardless of what happens here, i do have a place in the world and no one can take that away from me. I don't know how this possessive nature will help me through the problems but, somehow, that is the only reassurance i have to take the risks that i do.

I can be the unappreciated anomaly because... well, it's alright. It is alright. I will be alright.

Just to be sure, i'm going to re-check my MMU entries to see if i carry the same tone. Cause i have a feeling if i do, then it's MMU all over again.... ^_^;;;;