Update!!

My friends here are turning their back on me. Or at least the ones in Halls. Well, i can little blame them. They extended their hand of friendship but when we got too close, i became afraid. I was afraid to be a part of their family simply because i fear labels. I didn't want a definite label... Now, i find myself with no ally.

The solution is simple... Pester them till i find a place among them. But i have sacrificed much of my pride with the locals and the Caucasians. I wonder where that open and friendly me went? Yet, i do not know how to manage the open face with a high sense of pride. There has to be a balance somewhere... A way that might make both ways seem plausible. Like being open yet guarded... However, i operate in extreme binary settings. Such a compromise seems impossible especially in the current state of mind. I do not know how to reconcile...

I wonder how easy it is to wave goodbye to heartbreak.

Easier than easy, harder than hard. It is to be expected, is it not? It is not possible to tear the flesh of your back and gain wings to fly. Yet, the act itself might yield freedom. Dare you not believe?

Perhaps that faith is the only solace. I've got a simple problem. I've got a crush (common) but... he doesn't see me. I think this is the first time, my crush doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Interesting huh? I'm used to playing on a field where i call the shots and suddenly... well, obviously i'm playing this game alone. There's no one here with me.

For a moment there, i thought he knew. But i ran away. And it became obvious i ran away. And i ran into oblivion before him. I simply disappeared.

Or, it could have just been a misunderstanding from the beginning. If i take his methods as attempting to be near a certain friend of mine then, everything falls back into place. Only it alters the landscape beyond recognition. In other words, from the beginning, we never played a game of tag. I've been caught in someone else's field where he and a friend of mine were playing mary-go-round.

I suppose this might be for the best. He seems an excellent ally. If i can discard any silly ideas of hope, then i believe he will be a formidable teacher to have, if only to tutor me in my speech and such.

I hope all the best for him. He and my friend knows they will not be pursuing a relationship, i think. At least not now... but, i hope he does something nice for her anyways. Like say hi to her when he walks past or even ask her to dance in the coming party. She deserves the best and i hope he is able to give even a fraction of that to her.

I think i'm the unneeded player who will be bowing off the freaking field and well, it doesn't feel that bad. A few days couped up in my room watching anime helped rehabilitate me a lot. Let's hope i am able to handle society tomorrow. I can't seem to handle direct company for the past few days because of this matter but i hope tomorrow's okay.

Otherwise, it looks like i'm going to be a hermit who runs to her room every single time. Or i can just struck up a conversation with the locals in the common room. Haih... it seems like there's always a game to play here. Always a certain mask that has to be on. Well, i wanna say screw it! I shouldn't give a flying fuck what my freaking face looks like to all these nutty peeps!

But i can't find the anchor of acceptance yet. If i eat alone, the locals laugh at me, my own friends pity me. If i eat with others... well, for the past few days i've been feeling shitty so i've been holed up in my room good. Like i said, maybe tomorrow's better.

But you'd never know, putting on my game face might be good practice for the future. My line of work kinda needs that game face to be at the ready y'know XD But unlike at home where i have my friends to unload off when the Jekyll mask comes off, i've got no one.

No one here...

Just like MMU. How reminiscent of the fact that it's so hard to trust people. Meh!!

Well, i've stopped wanting to mother everyone. The pride gets in the way, y'know... But, like i said, hopefully tomorrow's better...

A little crack in my pretty vase

Well, i did it.

I finally made myself alone, so reminiscent of my times in MMU. Okay, to cure it would be just to ask them what time they're having dinner.... but that depends very much if i want to do something of such to begin with....

Wait, i'm complaining about it then trying to solve it then complaining about the solution? Strange much? Or just so me, that it never cease to amaze me, the level of stupidity i display XD

Haha!! I think i'm used to being alone that when i'm here, i try to be alone here too...

A part of my persona that asks for no help also insists i find no one in the case that i'm alone. Reason being i'm meant to be alone. So it is justified. And any given time that i am alone, i should study the moment...

But i forget, a majority of not being alone is seeking company. Seeking comfort...

Friendship isn't a matter of pride and i should give as well as take. Therefore, if i do want my friends to remember that i exist, i should call them every once in awhile, ask them how they're doing. Right? Instead of expecting them to call me because that is plainly selfish.

I think i've been selfish all these while and being estranged... well, i should stop trying to avoid them. I forget, not every company is as forgiving as my old mates. I mean, the cohesiveness of our camaraderie is commendable to a certain extent. Or to my comfort at least, i feel it should be replicated. But it is different from the people here.

I think i do not bring the joy they expect me to bring to the table. I guess it kinda hits your self-esteem when you realize you're not good enough. But, okay, i shouldn't make this about me. I should go and ask them what time they're having dinner, make plans with them, insert myself back into their lives.

Because they're a wonderful bunch of people.

I think me missing won't do much. Maybe that's what i realized when i went with them to the Great Ocean Road. They're a cohesive bunch among themselves and i think a part of me envies that.

But i have to remember, that i have friends back at home who are still there for me. Who are capable of catching me when i fall. So, regardless of what happens here, i do have a place in the world and no one can take that away from me. I don't know how this possessive nature will help me through the problems but, somehow, that is the only reassurance i have to take the risks that i do.

I can be the unappreciated anomaly because... well, it's alright. It is alright. I will be alright.

Just to be sure, i'm going to re-check my MMU entries to see if i carry the same tone. Cause i have a feeling if i do, then it's MMU all over again.... ^_^;;;;

A peak around the corner

Coming down from a high is not always a bad things. I think there would be that one moment where you're coasting, and you feel the rush of wind against your skin. Or there is always the possibility of plunging down onto the ground. Looks like this is my first entry here... before, i didn't exactly know what i should write.

What should i tell about the world here? As these words to me echoes with the resonance of lessons that i have learned. What have i learned in the one month that i have left home?

Nothing?

Impossible. I know about the brown in me. About the pond that i lived in. But those are merely differences that i acknowledge. Nothing penetrating which strikes my soul. On the other hand, it might not be wise to ask for a drastic change. I cope no better under dire circumstances and according to my latest track record, i tend to burn rather than thrive.

So i kept my silence. When others ask of my time here, i gather things to be no different although in a way, they are. I know how it feels to be among the minority. But rather than the hostility i expected for those of my kind, these men and women react in the way they do because they do not know how to react among other different from them. It is a different sort of xenophobia one absent of violence or any sort of negativity that i pegged with the term. It's a passive condition which i find, some are not willing to rectify. Although the question too remain on my part, am i afraid of them?

I think at one point, i said yes. I think even now, the answer does not change. What is there not to fear of those who own the land you reside on? On a positive note, they are open and friendly people although coming from a different background than my own. And this falls to the matter of resentment of differences. Do you acknowledge differences to be hatred?

Personally, i think not. I think there has to be a line of division between particular hostility and fear of difference. Hostility for me means the air of vehemence associated with the particular act of threatening acts. Fear of difference just covers a few aversions to others because you do not know or cannot associate with them. Big difference in my book.

I think that was what i had to come to in the beginning. The people here do not approach anyone unless there is a reason for them to do so. Which i suppose after coming from Sunway campus and serving in the student council, i suppose i expected more. I mean, they are suppose to be a Western liberal country. Therefore there is a degree of openness which i admit i expected of each and everyone of them, probably something akin to America. But what i did not realize is that the degree of openness they display -which does exist by the way, is in fact a trade to the privacy and cold front they show any stranger they see. You would think that trusting a complete stranger is awfully dangerous, especially coming from a continent like Asia. We were taught distrust yet they are different. They are open only because they do not trust you until they have become accustomed to your presence.

We are the same, i believe only what i have modeled to be Asian is essentially me while what i view to be Western is them. Perhaps i only encounter this wall with them because they do not trust me from the beginning while with anyone of my skin tone or similar, we have a mutual understanding of one another, therefore our relationship progresses without having to chip the massive wall of security. In this case, every single minuscule exchange that occurs actually chips the wall until at one point, we finally decide we are capable of placing forth a shaky hand and thus the possibility of a first exchange is made.

Really, that's the only diplomatic solution. My friend told me not to rush it because they will be open to you in their own time but on the other hand, i only have a few months here. I suppose, the lack of time will be a positive note that i am capable of holding in the end because if i do not know them, i will not miss them surely. Although i regret the souls that i have missed in knowing. People are beautiful i find although i do not try to know them as deeply as i am capable of knowing,

I shut my eyes, did you know?

I do not see as i did and as usual, my soul cries to see beyond the physical skin because i do not know the extent of damage that i have caused with my actions but another part of me enjoys this ignorance. It allows me to be frivolous, to gain joy and happiness without fear of consequences. It is the life of complete irresponsibility that i craved and i think i led in the first few weeks here.

It is strange, when i think of no consequences, i think life becomes better in general. You live in the moment, without having fear nor knowledge of what is to come. Everyone expects me to be that way here, all of a sudden. It is strange. When i was in MMU, i find rejection because i was too rigid. Too contemplative. I was that deeper end of the pool that others do not venture in. NO ENTRY right? And because of that, i wished for my old friends. For my soulmates. It is because of the inability of these people to accept me for who i truly am.

It is occurring here too. Only they cannot fathom that i think beyond the open books and the written words and the mentioned syllables. I think too much. Far, far too much in certain instances. It isn't normal. Or so they keep on telling me. It isn't normal, or so i tell myself.

It's hard for me to balance between the two because when my physical body is drained, my mind begins to think. I tried to stall it. I didn't do my readings, i didn't do anything because i know if i start thinking, i won't stop. Because if i open my eyes i cannot deny the world i see because i will see it as how i should truly view it. And my mind will work. And it will speak, and ignite. I will not stop thinking and unless i can find a bridge between this sense of me and one viewed by others, i will settle in unrest.

However, i believe i can take a backseat in conversations now. I do not need to dominate considering we have other powerful individuals who are willing to do so. I think it's alright for me to settle in stasis although it would be more interesting if i can balance the two. More challenging and i've always walked the tougher road just to see if i can.

Looking back, i wonder if i have changed since i was younger. I remember once i told a friend of mine, for me, you're the same person as you were before because your core values never changed. I wonder if mine did?

I think an integral part of me is asking for a change. The rule where i dictated there to be none other i take as a partner. I keep on reiterating the story of JW and i inclusive of the talk i made which pushed him to confess. It's one where i tell him the idea of me and another is a joke because i am extremely self-sufficient. But what i learned in the past year is that i am not and so i toy with the idea of me and another merely for the fun of it. Only fun is something i do not do.

I might be spontaneous yes, but rarely am i without studying the various consequences and outcome that might occur. I fly, my dear friends only you do not see the safety net below. Rare do i take a leap of faith and this leap, is across a sunny, massive chasm that spans across time. Because i have always told myself that i am alone. I'm not. Not really, anyways.

Here comes the question, dare i open my heart to be toyed with? Because essentially that is what this game dictates. Perhaps i have nothing to ponder here, therefore, i force a growth that does not occur naturally. I will tell myself that this is risky. I do not know if i will listen.

I think i will watch but i do not think i will play. I think my heart will be half-open but, i do not think it is wise for me to play a game with such uncertain players. Therefore, i will withhold. Perhaps that explains my hesitance at walking forward in that arena.

I am ready, i believe, for a relationship but i do not think it is wise for me to encourage or pursue any just yet. My desire for a companion is ready, but my life is not. We will have to see how his unfolds and if my decision will change in due time.

I can only pray that this situation does not change because regardless of anything, a part of my heart still tells me no and i do not wish to engage in anything save whole-heartedly.

So my new year begins

Alright, so i sent out the cards.

Time to make amends, and get off my knees. Chin up girl, look at the sky.

I feel like the cycle is starting again, kinda like old cogwheels turning despite rust and stuff. Pain becomes bearable when you're looking ahead because in insignificance can we see the goodness that is left.

Take risks. Make change happen. You've got something to live for, so do it. I know you've got it in you somewhere, old hag. Get off those puny feet of yours and move. =P

Haha!! I think in a way i regretted a few things with the card. Writing is a little like stripping in public and gosh all those garments are on the ground now! Shyte!!! Well, i tried to un-emo-fy the words, but... i didn't feel like holding back. And... well, my words were worst last time, kay?

When i was younger, my words were like the Kame Hame Ha! But now, it's just like a punch in the gut. Or maybe a tickle. Depends on your defence system.

It was kinda hard to insert happiness when i started cause i could only think of me and wondering, why should i even bother saying sorry to a bunch of people who are going to throw my words out the window anyway? I mean, we're such an apathetic society, that if i do try to make people feel happy, they'd just spit in my face and stomp me down. Heck, even when the other side of my brain tried to cheer me up, i basically told her to take the incessant "love ALL" chatter and shove it up hers! (which was really mine, if you think of it in a lewd, totally disgusting way).

But i did it anyway. Why do something if you don't want to, you ask?

Because... who said i didn't want to?

Somewhere deep inside me, told me to do the right thing. Be a man, do the right thing, right?

It began, when i first picked up the pencil, to be because i didn't wanna be forgotten. By constantly nagging at people of my existence, i never truly leave. I think sometimes, that's why we have blogs, twitter, constant status updates on facebook. Hey, leave an imprint in written word and light a candle in the dark, right? That was the major guilt part. Because, i did not want the card to be an act of "taking". It is meant to be a sincere gift, with no strings attached, i didn't want to ask anything from anyone who got it.

But in the end, i pretty much "gave" it away although i have a feeling i did "take" a little from it. Haih, shows you really can't control your emotions.

But anyways, same as the last time when i produced the card, i've got that little nagging doubt in my head that went, "Oh shit, girl, you dunnit now! Now they really see who you are and damn, you don't have a bikini ready body!" Pah! My head goes "Sentimental old hag! Sentimental old hag!" at every other interval, i should write into a song. My theme song. How appropriate.

I think the good thing about people, is the exact reason why i never wanted to give them the card to begin with. They don't really care. So, even though i'm walking around in my skimmies, no one's looking this way.

I wanted to actually produce a Note on facebook, to write about the inspiration behind the art and stuff but... i'll tell you if you ask. I'm kinda worried that i'm harping too much on this non-issue that something's bound to blow up in my face. If it doesn't matter, then i don't want to make it matter, cause i don't think that's worth it.

This is it, probably the first day of my new year.

Happy New Year 2010, my dearest blogspot.

Conversations with Me I

How can you be so idealistic? the other part of me asked, the tinge of incredulity barely masked by sheer bafflement. I answered the first words that came through my mind, because it is easier to be. And a bright ray of light piercing through dense clouds flashed before my eyes. Hope. What if the world breaks apart? my doubt pressed. Then what use are your imaginary ideals? My mind blanked. For a moment, that little glare of sunshine crumbled to red ash. Yet, even as paradise broke before my eyes, my heart beat fervently in chest. It won't. And i know it won't.

Untitled

Hey...

It's me. Again... Going on about my pathetic life and whatnots. Hmm... I'm not a very happy person am i? I... I can't depend on me anymore. It hurts to know that i can't rely on myself, that independence all of a sudden becomes a burden instead of liberation.

I wonder what is this? I wanted to say puberty. Hormonal changes or that timely clock that goes "krriiiinngg" or something like that when you need someone beside you. I want to think it is a mating call. But... it's deeper. It's deeper than just needing a guy or a girl in a non-platonic relationship.

I've told the worst outcome i expected from the past sem and this whole year to be exact and, in an unfortunate turn of events, it happened. The cursed ending played as the curtains drew to a close. Sad isn't it, the cry of the orchestra although it very much sounds like that victory music after each battle in FFVII.

I'm broken... and i think i do not want to heal. Perhaps that is why i hesitate to pick up the phone and speak to another.

But this is getting bad... I still have responsibilities but all i can do is to cry dry tears in the hymn of the guitar - although my skills are limited at best.

I won't say i have suffered. I'm not that low. But... i just don't want to be depended on anymore. I don't want to take care of anyone. I don't even want to take care of me. I just want to... rot away perhaps. Decay slowly into nothingness. I just want to disappear even though the other half of my scrambles to be remembered. Anything to be remembered. Anything to be known.

I think i've given up on myself.

It's strange... feeling like you want to be cared by another... to want to feel protected. Maybe even to the extent of wanting to be loved. I want to be selfish and say this is probably an accumulation of the years where i depended on none other than myself. Of knowing in this world, the only person i can count on is me... And i broke. I BROKE. And the other part of me is looking for another anchor.

Do you believe in redemption?

Can i believe in my own redemption? It's like building a bridge that was destroyed and i'm doubting the strength of the new bridge. Because i use to tell me, that i'm the strongest person i know. I use to count on me to get me through things because i know, regardless of what happens i can.

This is silly. Who actually bets on themselves?

But i can't. The only one who has thorough faith in me is my cat. At least i can help him but i can't help myself and there's this outstretch hand my soul has reaching into the audience for a specific person to answer only i don't want him to.

I don't want to rely on anyone else but me. I don't want me to need anyone else but me. And i have to build that bridge slowly. I've let a lot of people down but... maybe, just maybe the new bridge should not be made of concrete. Maybe it needs to be supple yet flexible. Strong but understanding.

Maybe i need to learn to say "I'm sorry" without feeling like it hurts.

Maybe it's a bridge without the iron clad pride.

I need to answer my own outstretched hand because otherwise, my soul will drown in its tears. I cannot trust anyone else because this is the core of who i am.

I have to let go of the past... To walk forward, and not look back.

Q & A going into full on rant

These are necessary things that i need to get off my chest. It's the same question others have been asking me. It's something i need to get strightened out cause i've been running away from it for some time.

Coward.

But anyway, here goes. It's of a specific subject btw.

Q: Do you like him?

A: Define like. Like as in like a bf? No. Disgusted, horrified, nauseated no. I won't say that im fond of him. I can't say that i hate him. When someone mentions him i just want them to shut up. So, in the end, i don't know if it's animosity, but at the moment, i see him as something lesser than a friend. I won't even use the word 'like'. Ew.

Q: Strong emotions. Why are you avoiding him?

A: Because my emotions are to strong and confused towards him. You know, in a really perverse way, for all you know i have exteme lust/affection/hidden capabilities of love towards this guy and just the knowledge of it contradicts with what i view to be my state of singularity. Maybe i do want to have his babies afterall and build a castle in the couds of happiness. Maybe right?

But the thing is, if i fuse him, the reality him with my dream him, then the hidden capabilities of love springs up for the guy. But reality fails. Maybe that's why i'm avoiding him.

Okay, but to stop all these ideas of fantasies and stuff, i think i'm just going to come right out and say it.

I think he's self-centered. I think he doesn't think enough about other people eventhough for him, he felt like he sacrificed the world for them. And i'm freakishly scared of him. Because he follows me everywhere. Like almost EVERYWHERE! Thank god i'm Muslim and an Art's rep. Otherwise, he's go with me to the surau ad the rep's room too. At a point there, i thought he wanted to be me. Which, in a way, is acceptable because then i know why he hangs out with me so much. He wants to take over my place. I can just step aside and voila, you have a new alin. Problems like these are solvable.

But no. This sem, i found out he has been hanging out because he wants to be with me. I give him that time of day, listened to his problems, gave him advice which i know he won't follow.

And i think that scared me. Because it reminds me about how much i *really* don't want to hang out with this guy and that by doing so, i'm giving the wrong signals.

But i think i'm his only bridge into the more cooler society like Bats and onwards. Though the cooler society is a large field, i can sort of scrape the side. Because ireally don't want to think that he's hanging out with me because he's hoping tht one day i'll prob say yes to bein his girlfriend. Or because i'm like a drug he can't get enough of. He needs to have a dose of me once a day.

Because for me to assume the latter two is, in a way to blow my horn (not to mention blowing a horn that i really don't want to touch).

I told him that i'm not ready for relationships but the truth is, i don't want a relationship with *him*. To let him down easily, i told him that i can't handle relationships which is partially true. I don't want relationships at this point but i like keeping my options open. How can i tell him that i don't think he's good/strong/compassionate enough for me?

I gave him the politicaly orrect answer. Because i don't want to be hated.

I always try to think that i'm GOOD because that is what i should be. But then, everything good that i do seems to backfire with him. I'm scared that he will still want me in the end.

So with him, i always teeter between being politially correct and being honest. But being good means more to me than anything. I have to expect sacrifice on my part because being nice isn't easy. I was suppose to make people happy because that's what i'm suppose to do.

I never want to hear words like "Alin is mean" and stuf because i don't want to be mean. Even if it's carpet walk-on-alin nice i'd do it.

But to him it doesn't come that easily. If only all his interest in me doesn't end with marriage or whatsoever, maybe our relationship would have been better.

But now i'm trying to figure out if i will mind the words of 'Alin is mean' and such to get around. Maybe i have to learn to take this bad press as another lesson. It's about how i cope with gossip and who i trust at the end of the day.

Because i can't take care of him anymore.

I'm sorry...