Okay, this is going to be a really neurotic post because basically, my head feels like it was smooshed by two cymbals or pans or SOMETHING cause my view of the world now, resembles like that portrait of the Silent Scream by... someone.
Ah, forgive my ignorance. I have to admit the past 72 hours haven't been my most brilliant. As a matter of fact, last night, after coming home from CNY-ing with the mates, i suddenly had this urge to clean up my closet. Mind you, i was rather smooshed at that point too and as i folded the HUNDREDS of clothes that i have (really must donate more to charity) i decideed what a horrible and stupid idea it was because i couldn't even keep my attention span long enough to decide what pile i should place my shirts in. Yes, i am currently very neurotic.
Luckily the only harm you have to worry about when folding clothes is making sure the magins of the shirts are aligned so that they look nice and pretty in the closet. Doesn't matter that i'd mess it up in a few days too.
Oh gee... there i go talking about me cleaning out my closet. How bizarre is that?
I know i'm not suppose to be jet lagged. My mommy said that we're young and apparently only old people get jet lagged. So, since she isn't (i guess that just means she isn't old =P) we shouldn't be. I think i'm NOT jet lagged. Cause, it isn't the disorient of daylight and nighttime that bothers me. Just that... i don't feel too rested, i guess.
I came back and the first thing that i was thinking was: The Student Council thingie. Shucks!! And then there's the APC meeting with the lecturers next week which i ALMOST forgot but i jotted it somewhere in my head, so i knew it was sometime next week. And then, i suppose is the social calls which i want and must do at the same time (my room is overstuffed with souvenirs and clothes at the moment ^_^;;). So, must plan meetings for next week. Must plan outings for next week. And must sound intelligent and brilliant through all the above. Hmm... i think the third's the hardest.
Especially cause i haven't squirmed meself a nice niche in the council. Heck, half the time i wish the meetings are over with and the other half... well... i realise that i have ten fingers and i *really* don't know what to do with them. I should go to meetings earlier too... I think i might have made the initiative to arrive later but this means i have to change my attitude. Having a post means i have to hoister the responsibilities handed out and i have to do them with integrity and in a way that merits those i am responsible for.
Granted, my creativity level or social skills is somewhere near zero (especially when it's party planning. I'm paper work not party planner, that's for sure) but, i can offer assistance with consistency right?
Hmm... worst come to worst i shall come with a book and an interested expression on my face. Don't mind that i'm zoning out behind the dead eyeballs.
Okay, i sound completely high of myself. I will try to commit more. Is that better?
Haha!!
Oh, i want to jot down some of my thoughts on London and Amsterdam but i think i might have rambled too much to Chibi yesterday (Sorry Chibi!!).
Okay... just placed some quotes in Fb. Hehe... Right...
I'm gonna fold more clothes now. Really, i should just donate some of my stuff. I think i have too much ^_^;;;
Byes!!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Of tears and my sins
I don't cry that much.
Yeah, i guess that much is true. Or at least in public it is ^_^
I'm not one to shed tears when i'm hurt because, i think i did that too much when i was younger. Either that or i think crying over a booboo that can go away with the right medication is quite silly. It isn't something permanent, damn it.
It might also be because my father was quite loose handed when i cry earlier in my years. He raised us to quell our tears. It doesn't matter what happens. You don't fucking cry. Because we're not pansies. We'd face our problems like the Man we're meant to be.
The third is because of pride. I think a part of me would think it's cool if i cried in front of the right person or people who are really close to me rather than just bawling my tears out for others to see. Crying means you're admitting that you have a weakness. It's saying that you have committed a fault. It's rare that my tears are for another (except in fanfiction. Those tearjerker ones are *special*). I hate revealing my weakness to people because it makes my weakness more concrete and it seems like i'm proud of it.
I think i'm much more lax with this now because well... i do have this blog isn't it? As if talking about yourself and the problems you faced isn't an indicator of what's seriously wrong with you *snort*
But i think i realize what really produces my tears. I'm a selfish bastard (whoops, i think that was more of an insult to me mum than me). So it isn't one of those delicate 'i hurt you so i'm bawwing cause i really hurt you' sort of thing. I feel really really like an ass-wipe when i let myself down.
It's happened many times before. The time i fought with June and ended up crying, the time i hit my father's car, the time i saw the price of my shoes wrongly and had my aunt pay triple the amount, and now, it's cause i forgot to bring my clothes to this stupid wedding.
We're suppose to wear green. Well, i forgot to bring my green stuff cause i thought my sister packed it in for me. I came back late yesterday, so i was in a rush to pack my stuff. I just assumed it was the under-things and my tees and jeans that were missing. But it was more. A lot more.
It's easy to say that i was pissed with my sister for not including my stuff inside. I guess she packed for the rest of the family that i assumed she got mine as well. I guess i made several mistakes in these assumptions. As a matter of fact, with all the problems in the above, i realize i always made the same mistakes:
It's by assuming.
Everyone thinks i'm perfect. No, not in the straight A's, hot super duper human beings sort of perfect. It's more of this dependability that i can exert or release like toxic fumes in the air.
There is this level of strength that they expect from me and i expect from myself. That's why i keep on telling myself, "I'm perfect, damn it! So what's the problem?" (Hah! Now we know why my head's so darn big!!)
And those moments; that moment when i hurt ah bune, when i hit the car, when i cost my aunt a lot of money and this recent anger towards my sister is all based on the fact that i broke this assumption.
Hell, in those moments, i'm far from perfect. And it's like a smack in the face. Someone out there's really happy that you're not Miss Strong, Powerful character. This view of myself that i have gets extremely fractured.
I was meant to be a perfect friend but what kind of friend even does the kind of shit that i did to another person?
I'm suppose to be an accomplished driver. Granted, that was only my second week of driving but i've NEVER made a mistake in my life. Not a mistake this costly. It cost my pride because i hit my father's car. My father would never expect such a thing from me... On the other hand, most father's don't exactly plan for the children ramming into another of their cars. But i knew he loved the car more than anything else in the world. And i had to go plow into it like it was a stack of hay. If i didn't know any better, i would have thought that that was some hidden resentment or something coming from deep inside. But hell, i'm so stupid. Full stop.
The situation with my aunt was rather easy. I didn't look at the price properly. Yeaps. Stupid me. I was so engrossed with getting what i wanted. Heh. Look at where it got me. I'm such a bitch, man. Thinking that i'm good and shit when i can turn around and do this.
Then, the latest installment. This mistake. I assumed. They assumed that i've got it together. I'm suppose to be perfect, right? But the only person i let down time and time again is myself.
And that's why i cry, i think. It just devastates me to let me down.
Don't think the above are isolated cases by the way. The tapestry of my sins at this moment would cover 3/4s of the Universe. I remember almost every single mistake that i've committed against anyone. I know when i've hurt you which makes me that much worst.
It seems repetitive isn't it? This topic. But... i suppose hurt emotions don't suddenly stop hurting just because you experience it again.
I'm a bitch. And crying does. not. help.
Yeah, i guess that much is true. Or at least in public it is ^_^
I'm not one to shed tears when i'm hurt because, i think i did that too much when i was younger. Either that or i think crying over a booboo that can go away with the right medication is quite silly. It isn't something permanent, damn it.
It might also be because my father was quite loose handed when i cry earlier in my years. He raised us to quell our tears. It doesn't matter what happens. You don't fucking cry. Because we're not pansies. We'd face our problems like the Man we're meant to be.
The third is because of pride. I think a part of me would think it's cool if i cried in front of the right person or people who are really close to me rather than just bawling my tears out for others to see. Crying means you're admitting that you have a weakness. It's saying that you have committed a fault. It's rare that my tears are for another (except in fanfiction. Those tearjerker ones are *special*). I hate revealing my weakness to people because it makes my weakness more concrete and it seems like i'm proud of it.
I think i'm much more lax with this now because well... i do have this blog isn't it? As if talking about yourself and the problems you faced isn't an indicator of what's seriously wrong with you *snort*
But i think i realize what really produces my tears. I'm a selfish bastard (whoops, i think that was more of an insult to me mum than me). So it isn't one of those delicate 'i hurt you so i'm bawwing cause i really hurt you' sort of thing. I feel really really like an ass-wipe when i let myself down.
It's happened many times before. The time i fought with June and ended up crying, the time i hit my father's car, the time i saw the price of my shoes wrongly and had my aunt pay triple the amount, and now, it's cause i forgot to bring my clothes to this stupid wedding.
We're suppose to wear green. Well, i forgot to bring my green stuff cause i thought my sister packed it in for me. I came back late yesterday, so i was in a rush to pack my stuff. I just assumed it was the under-things and my tees and jeans that were missing. But it was more. A lot more.
It's easy to say that i was pissed with my sister for not including my stuff inside. I guess she packed for the rest of the family that i assumed she got mine as well. I guess i made several mistakes in these assumptions. As a matter of fact, with all the problems in the above, i realize i always made the same mistakes:
It's by assuming.
Everyone thinks i'm perfect. No, not in the straight A's, hot super duper human beings sort of perfect. It's more of this dependability that i can exert or release like toxic fumes in the air.
There is this level of strength that they expect from me and i expect from myself. That's why i keep on telling myself, "I'm perfect, damn it! So what's the problem?" (Hah! Now we know why my head's so darn big!!)
And those moments; that moment when i hurt ah bune, when i hit the car, when i cost my aunt a lot of money and this recent anger towards my sister is all based on the fact that i broke this assumption.
Hell, in those moments, i'm far from perfect. And it's like a smack in the face. Someone out there's really happy that you're not Miss Strong, Powerful character. This view of myself that i have gets extremely fractured.
I was meant to be a perfect friend but what kind of friend even does the kind of shit that i did to another person?
I'm suppose to be an accomplished driver. Granted, that was only my second week of driving but i've NEVER made a mistake in my life. Not a mistake this costly. It cost my pride because i hit my father's car. My father would never expect such a thing from me... On the other hand, most father's don't exactly plan for the children ramming into another of their cars. But i knew he loved the car more than anything else in the world. And i had to go plow into it like it was a stack of hay. If i didn't know any better, i would have thought that that was some hidden resentment or something coming from deep inside. But hell, i'm so stupid. Full stop.
The situation with my aunt was rather easy. I didn't look at the price properly. Yeaps. Stupid me. I was so engrossed with getting what i wanted. Heh. Look at where it got me. I'm such a bitch, man. Thinking that i'm good and shit when i can turn around and do this.
Then, the latest installment. This mistake. I assumed. They assumed that i've got it together. I'm suppose to be perfect, right? But the only person i let down time and time again is myself.
And that's why i cry, i think. It just devastates me to let me down.
Don't think the above are isolated cases by the way. The tapestry of my sins at this moment would cover 3/4s of the Universe. I remember almost every single mistake that i've committed against anyone. I know when i've hurt you which makes me that much worst.
It seems repetitive isn't it? This topic. But... i suppose hurt emotions don't suddenly stop hurting just because you experience it again.
I'm a bitch. And crying does. not. help.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Writing vs. Art
You know how words just simply flow in your head when you're planning the Gonna-Write(TM)? Well, i hate that. Cause that means by the time i switch the computer on, all those beautiful words would have leaked out like an unclogged pipe! Yeah, in other words, i sound half as intelligent as i do in my head. Hmm.. but switching the perspective around, i suppose the fact that i'm much too arrogant in my abilities might be the cause of that. I mean, if there's no one to tell you 'You suck!', you're be able to praise yourself all the more right? XD
Haha!!
Okay, not the point. No philosophy. Darn, i just remembered i left my book downstairs. Anyway, i've got a semi-major problem. I've always divided the outlet for my tension through three mediums. The first is writing, the second: art and the third... well, that's probably babble. I try to bottle up my emotions because if it flows too much into the third, then what'll happen to the first and the second? I suppose this isn't a fear i air that often cause it isn't something anyone can solve. How do you vanquish shadows formed by your own hands? Someone's either gonna have to cover it or push it away from the light. Let there be emptiness or something.
Alright, digressing again.
The main problem is... what if i favor one over the other? I think i'm a person who always wants what she can't have. The dress that costs 600 bucks? Damn, i bet i'd just drool over it until it's in my hands. Then, yadda! Nothing. My dreams are pretty much the same way too. I've got what i want, which is to be a writer. I'm going to be one, by hook or by crook (actually the worst case scenario is that i'll starve before anything happens). But now, i find that i express myself better in my art. Like, a world, formed by my own hands is ambiguous enough to reflect my emotions, wholly. It's different from my writing which is now used to compare the differences between Althusser and Foucault. It's like... as my written work became more transparent and straight-forward, my art takes an abstract meaning.
Like i can't stand it if my fingers write something that have to be interpreted by a third party. I'm so used to clearing matters for my lecturers and stating my points so that they follow through, that in the end, i can't write my stories as i had written them once. They lack in the richness of meaning, because i insist on dictating how the matters are to be interpreted.
This isn't my way of writing.
I believe writing to be an act of democracy and it should be reflected in my work. But it isn't working. I'm tyrannical in my stories these days. And that's just plain wrong...
Haha!!
Okay, not the point. No philosophy. Darn, i just remembered i left my book downstairs. Anyway, i've got a semi-major problem. I've always divided the outlet for my tension through three mediums. The first is writing, the second: art and the third... well, that's probably babble. I try to bottle up my emotions because if it flows too much into the third, then what'll happen to the first and the second? I suppose this isn't a fear i air that often cause it isn't something anyone can solve. How do you vanquish shadows formed by your own hands? Someone's either gonna have to cover it or push it away from the light. Let there be emptiness or something.
Alright, digressing again.
The main problem is... what if i favor one over the other? I think i'm a person who always wants what she can't have. The dress that costs 600 bucks? Damn, i bet i'd just drool over it until it's in my hands. Then, yadda! Nothing. My dreams are pretty much the same way too. I've got what i want, which is to be a writer. I'm going to be one, by hook or by crook (actually the worst case scenario is that i'll starve before anything happens). But now, i find that i express myself better in my art. Like, a world, formed by my own hands is ambiguous enough to reflect my emotions, wholly. It's different from my writing which is now used to compare the differences between Althusser and Foucault. It's like... as my written work became more transparent and straight-forward, my art takes an abstract meaning.
Like i can't stand it if my fingers write something that have to be interpreted by a third party. I'm so used to clearing matters for my lecturers and stating my points so that they follow through, that in the end, i can't write my stories as i had written them once. They lack in the richness of meaning, because i insist on dictating how the matters are to be interpreted.
This isn't my way of writing.
I believe writing to be an act of democracy and it should be reflected in my work. But it isn't working. I'm tyrannical in my stories these days. And that's just plain wrong...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Identity Crisis
Okay, maybe for once i'll try writing a post that does not pilfer my words out for the sake of sounding intelligent.
Now, i use to be one heck of a kick-ass writer (heck, really? well, i think so) at least in comparison to now. I think words just come better to me when i'm at the bottom of the food chain. Come one, last time the parentals said i sucked at writing, and guess what, well, it wasn't that i proved them wrong, but i did get better. They also said i sucked at art and again, no picasso here, but at least i can err... colour. Yes. Colour. I think my heart isn't attached to my art.
I think i need to write without worrying about the perceptions that surrounds the writing. Like, i don't think i want to write with all the higher english and stuff. I want to just write a normal story that might, in a way, reflect me. Because i'm learning that myself as a writer... well, all i want is to leave a footprint in this world. I'm not even asking for the weirdo immortality stuff.
I just want to be here.
So i write in words that i gather to be more intelligent than my own. But guess what? It doesn't flow better! How am i suppose to say that i want to write street slang in my articles? How do you explain to people that your voice broke, that's why you can't sing better? (I know this is unrelated, but if you know that i'm a girl then maybe you get the point).
Why would i want to belittle what i had, the ability that i had and replace it with this other desire that is not worth the price? It's like my capabilities fell apart but my desire to write still haven't. So i insist on forcing myself to churn out stories that are semi-intelligent.
Why shouldn't go all the way on stupid right?
Because of pride.
I told chibi during the weekends i think that writing encompasses everything. It is such a clear reflection of who you are that once you write, there's just this comfort to know that it is you who hold the pen. You can write about anything and be accepted.
Then what about this difference in my ability? This sudden need to talk in street language and be regarded as someone of lower social stature than one who is capable of mingling with the upper folks?
I dunno...
Maybe i should write a story in street slang and try it out. Gauge the reaction. But the minute i want to write something funny, something else stops me. It's like i can't bring myself to regurgitate all the funny things that i've read (reference to intertextuality here).
I'm confused... And i guess this is where identity crisis comes in ^_^;;
Now, i use to be one heck of a kick-ass writer (heck, really? well, i think so) at least in comparison to now. I think words just come better to me when i'm at the bottom of the food chain. Come one, last time the parentals said i sucked at writing, and guess what, well, it wasn't that i proved them wrong, but i did get better. They also said i sucked at art and again, no picasso here, but at least i can err... colour. Yes. Colour. I think my heart isn't attached to my art.
I think i need to write without worrying about the perceptions that surrounds the writing. Like, i don't think i want to write with all the higher english and stuff. I want to just write a normal story that might, in a way, reflect me. Because i'm learning that myself as a writer... well, all i want is to leave a footprint in this world. I'm not even asking for the weirdo immortality stuff.
I just want to be here.
So i write in words that i gather to be more intelligent than my own. But guess what? It doesn't flow better! How am i suppose to say that i want to write street slang in my articles? How do you explain to people that your voice broke, that's why you can't sing better? (I know this is unrelated, but if you know that i'm a girl then maybe you get the point).
Why would i want to belittle what i had, the ability that i had and replace it with this other desire that is not worth the price? It's like my capabilities fell apart but my desire to write still haven't. So i insist on forcing myself to churn out stories that are semi-intelligent.
Why shouldn't go all the way on stupid right?
Because of pride.
I told chibi during the weekends i think that writing encompasses everything. It is such a clear reflection of who you are that once you write, there's just this comfort to know that it is you who hold the pen. You can write about anything and be accepted.
Then what about this difference in my ability? This sudden need to talk in street language and be regarded as someone of lower social stature than one who is capable of mingling with the upper folks?
I dunno...
Maybe i should write a story in street slang and try it out. Gauge the reaction. But the minute i want to write something funny, something else stops me. It's like i can't bring myself to regurgitate all the funny things that i've read (reference to intertextuality here).
I'm confused... And i guess this is where identity crisis comes in ^_^;;
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The post lacking emo-ness
Hello!!
Well, today i'm not updating anything important. No problems here, just a need to ramble. Hehe...
Guess the past few days when i had Misa over guaranteed some company. Now that Misa's gone back, guess i'm off to prattle by myself.
You know, i think today i'm gonna write down my list of wishes. You know, sorta like... "I wish that i can eat ice cream all the time," (i had too much of this in the past that's why it's a wish now =P). Or, "I wish Lockon hadn't died in S1 Gundam 00." Or that "Yuu Shirota was the kid who lived next door" ---> I'm only making this wish because it's amusing. I don't think i'd care if he lived next door XD.
Or "I wish that i owned my own bookstore." Okay, just so that this doesn't take a sour downturn and a pity party, i'll make up a rule that i'm not allowed to make wishes to repair my own defects. Cause i know there are plenty of those and we can angst another time, ne? ^_~
Well, my first, OTP is definitely Tezuka and Fuji. No piccies included cause i teh lazy. XD Actually, they're like my ULTIMATE OTP cause when i was suppose to write some love scene for a play we did in MMU, i thought "heck, i can't come up with a single love sentence between these characters."
So i changed the names in the script-writing process and wrote the scene as a conversation between Tezuka and Fuji. And guess what? It worked. Damn, those two are so easy to write. Be it in angst or fluff, they've just got a natural chemistry and this compatible air which i simply can't refute.
Next couple: Yamato and Taichi from Digimon.
The series is pretty old but somehow, these two kept it alive for me. Actually, i see their relationship growing brutally from friendship and crossing straight into a strongly sexual relationship. (Yayness!! Fic, if there is any!! XD) Hmm... don't ask me why. It might be cause of their characters where both are rash in their own way. I always find it weird when people made either calculative. Matt or Yamato might be repressive but i don't think he second-guesses objectives that much.
Another plot that i'm quite fond of reading is i suppose the cliched 'confession'. But honestly, as a reader, i expect the writer to take me through an intense emotional journey rather than a breeze in the park. So, the ones that i'm fond of reading build-up to the confession or has the confession in the beginning only you see the inner turmoil within the characters. Ah, the life of drama. Isn't it fascinating for us *normal* human beings?
Anyways, i guess i'm fond of this couple because... i'm biased. I like Matt. He has been mah fave chara for a long time, so in order for me to keep his memory alive, i'd have to continuously read about him. Unfortunately, the only available stories are those that require a life partner. Okay, maybe not so unfortunate... The genre 'romance' takes a lot to get used to but, once you find your niche, then the fics come pouring to yea XD.
But anyways, i find the dynamic between these two characters interesting. They differ so much from the passive relationship that i see Tezuka and Fuji going through. Both are more volatile and explosive in a sense. That's why i see the transition of their relationship as something sudden and strong.
The following is probably the only het couple that i strongly support. I have some pet ones but, for those, i'm simply fond of a character, so i'd read the stories just to get them XD
It's Fuuko and Mikagami from Flame of Recca.
Another old series but i love when the writers describe their interaction with one another; snippy, witty and quick. Quite adorable and a very lively relationship, if you ask me. I am quite fond of Fuuko's character which can range from angsty to downright cheerful but it is when one borders on the other that really colours a fic for me. Mikagami is another character that show how deeply still waters seep down the cracks.
I don't have much to comment about this couple aside from the fact that i do like them. The stories i tend to read revolving these characters are quite generic because i feel like anything extreme is out of the ordinary for them although they did go through one hell of an experience in high school. Anyways, their interaction is funny... =P
The fourth is a very odd couple for me to talk about. It's Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Now, how many would expect that from me?
Not the couple, but the fandom XD Haha!! These two definitely made J.K.Rowling's series alive for me though there are times that i ask "Harry Potter who?"
XD
The side effect of reading the supporting roles too much ^_^;; But, well, she didn't delve too deeply into them that the fics i read become Out Of Character or anything. These two, in the world of fandom have a typical relationship. Black is suppose to be a womanizer while Lupin is a bookish nerd. They hang out in the same group, with Lupin being a closet-homo and Black still the womanizer when one day, Black realizes that he loves Lupin. Cliche. I realize my life is surrounded by cliches but more often than not, the cliched stories are easier to read because you know what to expect.
Anyway, i do welcome changes in their relationship though i don't seek for them.
Another is probably Hikaru and Akira from Hikaru no Go.
I should mention that these are couples that if they're written seperated from the other, my mind immediately shuts the story out. It is quite curious how this works because, the action seems rather reflexive.
I have other pet faves like NejiGaara, or Clouffie or something but, with these guys, i'm not too bothered if they end up with other people. Except for Neji. I think i like him being a single, third party just fine unless he's written well. =P
Haha!!
I guess that's another post for major crappage~
Maybe i'll talk more about fanfic next time =D
Hehe... Byes!!
I'm gonna struggle with facebook now.
Well, today i'm not updating anything important. No problems here, just a need to ramble. Hehe...
Guess the past few days when i had Misa over guaranteed some company. Now that Misa's gone back, guess i'm off to prattle by myself.
You know, i think today i'm gonna write down my list of wishes. You know, sorta like... "I wish that i can eat ice cream all the time," (i had too much of this in the past that's why it's a wish now =P). Or, "I wish Lockon hadn't died in S1 Gundam 00." Or that "Yuu Shirota was the kid who lived next door" ---> I'm only making this wish because it's amusing. I don't think i'd care if he lived next door XD.
Or "I wish that i owned my own bookstore." Okay, just so that this doesn't take a sour downturn and a pity party, i'll make up a rule that i'm not allowed to make wishes to repair my own defects. Cause i know there are plenty of those and we can angst another time, ne? ^_~
- I wish that the anime couples i support become the dominant coupling in a fandom that way more fanfiction will be produced about them.
- I wish i can write my own fanfiction so that i won't be so critical towards the writings of others. --> well, this isn't exactly a defect... just a wish... right?
- I wish my hands and my mind is connected so that i can draw exactly as my mind depicts.
- I wish that writers are more keen on writing stronger females rather than one that is dominated by the thought of guys or sugar rush/caffeine/shoes.
- I wish that writers aren't often trapped in the perception of heteronormativity. Rather, it would be a breath of fresh air to explore the diversity within cultural boundaries. Because i understand that certain matters are taboo and that that following the rules seem like something only goody-two-shoes people would do, but i'm in full support of it. Although some *would* argue the validity of those rules to begin with.
- I wish that my room has blinds.
- I wish my phone *and* my comp doesn't lag.
- I wish M'sia isn't so hot.
- I wish that drivers on the road would be more considerate.
- I wish that i have a cooler coloured bedsheet XD
- I wish i can eat cupcakes whenever i want (this wish x3)
- I wish i am telekinetic *snicker*
- I wish that people (including me?) aren't so angry all the time
- I wish that i'm not afraid of the dark
- I wish that i don't get hungry between meals =(
- I wish that Doraemon really do exist with his cool gadgets and stuff so that i can take advantage of him. Heck, i'd use him better than Nobita can.
- I wish that superheroes do exist. But then, the villains would too... Hmm... that's scary.
- I wish for a hp laptop -> heck, i'm making this wish come true even if it's a hundred years down the line XD
Well, my first, OTP is definitely Tezuka and Fuji. No piccies included cause i teh lazy. XD Actually, they're like my ULTIMATE OTP cause when i was suppose to write some love scene for a play we did in MMU, i thought "heck, i can't come up with a single love sentence between these characters."
So i changed the names in the script-writing process and wrote the scene as a conversation between Tezuka and Fuji. And guess what? It worked. Damn, those two are so easy to write. Be it in angst or fluff, they've just got a natural chemistry and this compatible air which i simply can't refute.
Next couple: Yamato and Taichi from Digimon.
The series is pretty old but somehow, these two kept it alive for me. Actually, i see their relationship growing brutally from friendship and crossing straight into a strongly sexual relationship. (Yayness!! Fic, if there is any!! XD) Hmm... don't ask me why. It might be cause of their characters where both are rash in their own way. I always find it weird when people made either calculative. Matt or Yamato might be repressive but i don't think he second-guesses objectives that much.
Another plot that i'm quite fond of reading is i suppose the cliched 'confession'. But honestly, as a reader, i expect the writer to take me through an intense emotional journey rather than a breeze in the park. So, the ones that i'm fond of reading build-up to the confession or has the confession in the beginning only you see the inner turmoil within the characters. Ah, the life of drama. Isn't it fascinating for us *normal* human beings?
Anyways, i guess i'm fond of this couple because... i'm biased. I like Matt. He has been mah fave chara for a long time, so in order for me to keep his memory alive, i'd have to continuously read about him. Unfortunately, the only available stories are those that require a life partner. Okay, maybe not so unfortunate... The genre 'romance' takes a lot to get used to but, once you find your niche, then the fics come pouring to yea XD.
But anyways, i find the dynamic between these two characters interesting. They differ so much from the passive relationship that i see Tezuka and Fuji going through. Both are more volatile and explosive in a sense. That's why i see the transition of their relationship as something sudden and strong.
The following is probably the only het couple that i strongly support. I have some pet ones but, for those, i'm simply fond of a character, so i'd read the stories just to get them XD
It's Fuuko and Mikagami from Flame of Recca.
Another old series but i love when the writers describe their interaction with one another; snippy, witty and quick. Quite adorable and a very lively relationship, if you ask me. I am quite fond of Fuuko's character which can range from angsty to downright cheerful but it is when one borders on the other that really colours a fic for me. Mikagami is another character that show how deeply still waters seep down the cracks.
I don't have much to comment about this couple aside from the fact that i do like them. The stories i tend to read revolving these characters are quite generic because i feel like anything extreme is out of the ordinary for them although they did go through one hell of an experience in high school. Anyways, their interaction is funny... =P
The fourth is a very odd couple for me to talk about. It's Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Now, how many would expect that from me?
Not the couple, but the fandom XD Haha!! These two definitely made J.K.Rowling's series alive for me though there are times that i ask "Harry Potter who?"
XD
The side effect of reading the supporting roles too much ^_^;; But, well, she didn't delve too deeply into them that the fics i read become Out Of Character or anything. These two, in the world of fandom have a typical relationship. Black is suppose to be a womanizer while Lupin is a bookish nerd. They hang out in the same group, with Lupin being a closet-homo and Black still the womanizer when one day, Black realizes that he loves Lupin. Cliche. I realize my life is surrounded by cliches but more often than not, the cliched stories are easier to read because you know what to expect.
Anyway, i do welcome changes in their relationship though i don't seek for them.
Another is probably Hikaru and Akira from Hikaru no Go.
I should mention that these are couples that if they're written seperated from the other, my mind immediately shuts the story out. It is quite curious how this works because, the action seems rather reflexive.
I have other pet faves like NejiGaara, or Clouffie or something but, with these guys, i'm not too bothered if they end up with other people. Except for Neji. I think i like him being a single, third party just fine unless he's written well. =P
Haha!!
I guess that's another post for major crappage~
Maybe i'll talk more about fanfic next time =D
Hehe... Byes!!
I'm gonna struggle with facebook now.
Friday, September 12, 2008
My Monthly Update
Yo'!!
I feel like this is the end of the road or something somehow...
I just have this deep melancholic feeling inside... like i'm mourning something. Only i'm not sure what.
I feel like something died.
It might just be the deep hatred in the air.
This wouldn't be the first time i'm saying this but... I hate politics.
Yeah, the county's in turmoil with all the racist people and stuff. The political situation is placing the people in jeopardy. I guess at the end of the day, those higher ups and the ruckus-makers will forget who's gonna suffer and i can be sure it ain't them.
Another problem that seem to seep into my current situation, is the elections in school. Actually, typing those words made me realise how ridiculous it is. Just like the situation in M'sian politics. Seems trivial doesn't it?
Well, let's just say the election's is tiring. More often than not because of this semi-passive hostility that just lingers in the air. You know, facing this opponent of hatred that you never knew existed? And their hatred is on the basis of a faux perception only because their perception is a mockery of an occurrence in the past. It is because they don't understand. Just like how i don't.
It's confusing sometimes how you can hate someone so easily and it's these workings of the human mind that i simply can't fathom. I understand envy, pain. But such deep hatred... it echoes within me. Almost as if i've felt it before but i'm protected somehow. Like... my mind does not wish to remember.
Suspicious huh?
Maybe that's why when terse situations like these arise, i hide. I become irrational and snappish and just simply very skittish around the edges. Because i'm scared.
Well, if we're talking about the school elections... I can't say that i'm too scared about it. I mean, i attempted for the post because... i needed to feel worthy.
I feel really unworthy at the moment. Of many things.
I guess i'm not allowed to post this because it speaks of the elections.
But anyways, back to the above statement, I took the post because i was thinking that while my sister was out representing the country, i'm at home struggling with my weight. What a big difference. What a horrible difference.
I guess i'm just very competitive. I don't want to feel useless. I'm suppose to be perfect, right?
Okay, another smaller problem that i'm thinking about might be the connections or the inner cleansing that i'm not exactly having. Weird right that i *need* this inner cleansing thing? I mean, like unloading baggage. Like the ones that you could do around your friends. Or with your friends.
I enjoy being around my friends, truly i do but... i can't exactly talk to them about things. I'd have all these weird problems bothering me, family problems, insecurities... all these funny things that just doesn't bother others too much? No, to be fair, it does bother them and that's obvious but... It's just that if i want to talk about my family problem... well, that's behind closed doors. The latest *development* is making things difficult and... well, i guess i should try to sort it out first. Afterall, it's just a silly problem.
I was thinking about the difference between here and MMU... I think in MMU was like being trapped in a cage but Monash... Monash is just being numb from morning till night. I don't really want to complain about my friends because it's silly. It's stupid. We're all human, so we all have our problems. So why do i feel the need to complain more?
I guess in a way i'm also mourning about the loss of my friends. Sharm moved overseas, Lat's moving overseas and everyone else is just busy with their lives. I guess i'm the only one who feels like a chicken in a sea of fish in my school. And i'm not even sure how to solve this. Like... get a new best friend?
Haha!! I need a place that i feel safe cause i don't feel safe in my own skin. Like, i feel so stale on the surface. I don't understand myself anymore.
It's easy to blame someone else but i shouldn't.
I have no one to talk to now... and i realize how pathetic that sounds ^_^;;;
I'll be fine. Because i always am.
I'm perfect, aren't i?
Inside. Inside people, not the prettiness and the remembering part or the other parts that i *know* you're thinking about.
This is the beginning of surviving on my own. In MMU i had Lat as my crutch. Now it's time to see how far i can go on my own. Because i can.
By the way, i found this which... i thought was necessary to remember.
I guess... i realise that i'm a real Islam advocate person thingie... who hasn't even perfected her hold on her faith... Who's currently questioning a lot but just like my problems concerning my problems have no one to turn to. I don't know who to ask because asking shows a weakness in faith. Asking means putting myself under fire beneath all those wise men who think that my kind are the darkness of the world (notice that i'm painting a very stereotypical picture of these wise men?) Asking is suppose to be wrong. But how can you live with doubt?
I hate not knowing where i stand. I hate not knowing the truth that's why i hate any lie lesser than the 'my dog ate my homework' sort of lie. Hmm... maybe that's where all my hatred went to? The hatred of lies?
I can't fathom many things about the human mind...
But anyways, here's the article.
I think it's insightful (for people like me). It shows that one-sided hatred is the lesser intelligent solution to things and generalizations are wholly wrong. It shows that no matter what, there's that other side that says that we can get along well together regardless of the situation.
I think we should stop Hitler from coming. We should not support any proposition for a second, or third, or fourth Holocaust. No more of killing each other.
No more of murdering one another just because you think you're right they're wrong. No more deaths because it makes you stronger.
If power comes from pushing another down then that power is not worth it.
When the future comes, it is we who have the power to change it and not in haste. But with a clarity of mind absent from those who believe they are of the knowing. They are those to fear but we must not once be immobilized by such fear.
P.S. I'm probably gonna post this anyway. It's past midnight and elections is suppose to be done. Propaganda or not, i don't give a damn. I'm sorry if i knocked anyone with the words.
Happiness all, and may my faith be kept intact.
Nights!!
I feel like this is the end of the road or something somehow...
I just have this deep melancholic feeling inside... like i'm mourning something. Only i'm not sure what.
I feel like something died.
It might just be the deep hatred in the air.
This wouldn't be the first time i'm saying this but... I hate politics.
Yeah, the county's in turmoil with all the racist people and stuff. The political situation is placing the people in jeopardy. I guess at the end of the day, those higher ups and the ruckus-makers will forget who's gonna suffer and i can be sure it ain't them.
Another problem that seem to seep into my current situation, is the elections in school. Actually, typing those words made me realise how ridiculous it is. Just like the situation in M'sian politics. Seems trivial doesn't it?
Well, let's just say the election's is tiring. More often than not because of this semi-passive hostility that just lingers in the air. You know, facing this opponent of hatred that you never knew existed? And their hatred is on the basis of a faux perception only because their perception is a mockery of an occurrence in the past. It is because they don't understand. Just like how i don't.
It's confusing sometimes how you can hate someone so easily and it's these workings of the human mind that i simply can't fathom. I understand envy, pain. But such deep hatred... it echoes within me. Almost as if i've felt it before but i'm protected somehow. Like... my mind does not wish to remember.
Suspicious huh?
Maybe that's why when terse situations like these arise, i hide. I become irrational and snappish and just simply very skittish around the edges. Because i'm scared.
Well, if we're talking about the school elections... I can't say that i'm too scared about it. I mean, i attempted for the post because... i needed to feel worthy.
I feel really unworthy at the moment. Of many things.
I guess i'm not allowed to post this because it speaks of the elections.
But anyways, back to the above statement, I took the post because i was thinking that while my sister was out representing the country, i'm at home struggling with my weight. What a big difference. What a horrible difference.
I guess i'm just very competitive. I don't want to feel useless. I'm suppose to be perfect, right?
Okay, another smaller problem that i'm thinking about might be the connections or the inner cleansing that i'm not exactly having. Weird right that i *need* this inner cleansing thing? I mean, like unloading baggage. Like the ones that you could do around your friends. Or with your friends.
I enjoy being around my friends, truly i do but... i can't exactly talk to them about things. I'd have all these weird problems bothering me, family problems, insecurities... all these funny things that just doesn't bother others too much? No, to be fair, it does bother them and that's obvious but... It's just that if i want to talk about my family problem... well, that's behind closed doors. The latest *development* is making things difficult and... well, i guess i should try to sort it out first. Afterall, it's just a silly problem.
I was thinking about the difference between here and MMU... I think in MMU was like being trapped in a cage but Monash... Monash is just being numb from morning till night. I don't really want to complain about my friends because it's silly. It's stupid. We're all human, so we all have our problems. So why do i feel the need to complain more?
I guess in a way i'm also mourning about the loss of my friends. Sharm moved overseas, Lat's moving overseas and everyone else is just busy with their lives. I guess i'm the only one who feels like a chicken in a sea of fish in my school. And i'm not even sure how to solve this. Like... get a new best friend?
Haha!! I need a place that i feel safe cause i don't feel safe in my own skin. Like, i feel so stale on the surface. I don't understand myself anymore.
It's easy to blame someone else but i shouldn't.
I have no one to talk to now... and i realize how pathetic that sounds ^_^;;;
I'll be fine. Because i always am.
I'm perfect, aren't i?
Inside. Inside people, not the prettiness and the remembering part or the other parts that i *know* you're thinking about.
This is the beginning of surviving on my own. In MMU i had Lat as my crutch. Now it's time to see how far i can go on my own. Because i can.
By the way, i found this which... i thought was necessary to remember.
I guess... i realise that i'm a real Islam advocate person thingie... who hasn't even perfected her hold on her faith... Who's currently questioning a lot but just like my problems concerning my problems have no one to turn to. I don't know who to ask because asking shows a weakness in faith. Asking means putting myself under fire beneath all those wise men who think that my kind are the darkness of the world (notice that i'm painting a very stereotypical picture of these wise men?) Asking is suppose to be wrong. But how can you live with doubt?
I hate not knowing where i stand. I hate not knowing the truth that's why i hate any lie lesser than the 'my dog ate my homework' sort of lie. Hmm... maybe that's where all my hatred went to? The hatred of lies?
I can't fathom many things about the human mind...
But anyways, here's the article.
I think it's insightful (for people like me). It shows that one-sided hatred is the lesser intelligent solution to things and generalizations are wholly wrong. It shows that no matter what, there's that other side that says that we can get along well together regardless of the situation.
I think we should stop Hitler from coming. We should not support any proposition for a second, or third, or fourth Holocaust. No more of killing each other.
No more of murdering one another just because you think you're right they're wrong. No more deaths because it makes you stronger.
If power comes from pushing another down then that power is not worth it.
When the future comes, it is we who have the power to change it and not in haste. But with a clarity of mind absent from those who believe they are of the knowing. They are those to fear but we must not once be immobilized by such fear.
P.S. I'm probably gonna post this anyway. It's past midnight and elections is suppose to be done. Propaganda or not, i don't give a damn. I'm sorry if i knocked anyone with the words.
Happiness all, and may my faith be kept intact.
Nights!!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
With one glance? (Last Friday's post)
Yo~
So, August update. Right. I realize once a month i need to rant out. Wish i could say that it's the PMS thing but, hey, considering my bodily defects, i'm not too sure =P
Okay, problem of this month or this moment?
E X P E C T A T I O Ns.
Maybe not the A kind you know. The kind that says reach for the stars and you'll land among the space dust or something like that. Nah.
I'm thinking on the two levels there are to the word or at least, for me it applies within social relations (Hmm... this might sound like it belongs to my academic blog).
Well, considering this is the unassuming 'He Chronicles' i suppose whoever said the story was to end when you don't see a person for a period of time really.... well, the fellows got it pretty much right. It's just the 'pretty much' part that spoils everything. Whoever said it probably had one hell of a social life after they each went their seperate ways or something.
Well, my life didn't change. Yeah, think of me as the sappy kid who doesn't seem to move on or something. Damn, i hate being the wuss. Pah, leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
Anyways, yes, let's get this agony over with. Me went to band concert on sat, me enjoy band concert, me went home. Then..... EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!
Okay, now, yes, yes i hear the whys and the WTF(?!!!!)s
First, the right question would be who's there at the darn concert. Yeah, he was there. Nice to see him. Strapping young chap that he was. I think he's been working out again and i was right for that part at least cause i saw him again on monday.
Had to finish some stuff with MMU so yea, trodded along and hung out with the Babu and Misa-chan. It was so cool seeing them again!! When they left for their classes, i was left in the care of Ezza who of course suggested we crash the Cyberia apartment to see who was home.
The dude who answered the door was someone that i didn't know and yea, maybe i should have made friends or something but, he wasn't looking too thrilled to be away from his computer (<-liar!! i just wasn't up to making any friends at the mo) then Adie came and joined us.
Yeah, we all talked about a bunch of stuff. Wait, let me make an announcement. OMG!!!!!! ADIE OWNS A DYNAMES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!
And on top of that, he has a small model of ALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, alin squeaked uncontrollably upon seeing said objects then quickly regains composure and previous sense of dignity. It never does anyone good to hyperventilate in the middle of the room anyways.
Alright, on with the story. I guess my discomfort for this whole week might come from certain points that was made when we were talking like how i likened techno to the sound of Incubus and stuff.
I guess i hate to be corrected whatmore when i believe i am right thus the question hung in my head for sometime. Another was an observation that i made post-Cyber trip: I relent quite easily when Adie rebukes me. I suppose i hold him to a high enough pedestal that an argument cannot be formulated on my side because, even though my mind screams at me that "No, i really don't believe your point!!" I would brush the whole argument aside without stressing my points thoroughly. I respect him too much to doubt his answer fully resulting in a half-baked answer on my part, something that given the appropriate person would NOT happen.
Yes, the woe of the non-argumentative child. I should doubt things more. It actually helps with my studies. But i believe in the "forgive and forget" road which is completely unsuitable for academic purposes. And, relenting to Adie... well, i hate preferring one person over the next unless they come with a specific title. Just because he's someone i respect, it should not make me gullible to every word he says.
I guess, this is where the double layering comes in because, it's the same with stuff i read, stuff i'm studying about and stuff that i'm thought. It's easier to *believe*. So much more easier than attempting to make sense of an argument that consists nothing of sense to begin with.
But i'm going to have to do that right? I have half a mind to call that kid and ask him for a verbal rematch. Just to prove that i *can* trounce him without scaring him off into a corner.
But yea, maybe it's because of a certain element which i will remain in denial of, there is an expectation from me to not execute the verbal match. Afterall, what if you don't really want to win?
That's bad. I should be able to keep my head on regardless of the situation. But hell, that isn't working.
Something else that changed since the Concert on Sat was recognition. I guess being the ONLY loud girl, standing in the rain with a tall boy by her side (aka my bro) distinguishes me from the next and, under the scrutiny of these people, i sink to the side. Perasan much?
I hope so.
It isn't an admiration sort of scrutiny mind you. It's more of a curious look and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, i find it amusing when i have an armor of friends around me but an update for yea, i don't usually have friends around me. I'm a moving island and as much as it's nice to be anchored, i think i treasure the travelling breeze.
But anyways, back to the second problem, i don't really know what to do with that. It makes me feel a little bit out of sorts like... i don't know what they're expecting from me. Like, want me to go up to you and say hi?
I believe the extent of our relationship is before the stage. I don't expect any acknowledgement after simply because it should not be within you to acknowledge me. Stick to the status quo damn it and make my life a simpler place.
Yeah, it's cool when you're noticed and stuff but only if you know that they're leering at you or jeering at you or something. I don't do too well with middle-grey relationships (note: see 2007 posts) because i am complacent in a world of black and white.
I guess you can say that by giving a grey relationship, there's an unspoken expectation and, i guess the possibilities just drives me crazy. Yeah, i think too much but... i hate doubting stuff like the way i look or having to be completely conscious of the way i walk. I hate thinking of the material things though circumstances drive me to do so as well as my own imagination a guilty accomplice.
When it comes down to it, that must be the reason why i feel like crap the whole week because, as much as i head to the gym, and eat carefully (yes, i calorie count, i count my carbs, or at least i estimate) my weight doesn't seem to be too keen on going down. EVERYTHING i eat ends up placing me 1kg higher than where i was before and as a result, i become a yo-yo going easily from 72-75 in a day.
And it's depressing because, yes, as much as my trainer tries to comfort me by saying that i lost 3kgs, my weight isn't exactly improving. So i wonder is it because my diet? Should i eat lesser?
The day usually unfolds with moments of depression falling in between because i regret *everything* that i put in my mouth. I won't feel it when i'm eating like today when Gaya convinced for me to buy the salad *and* the pasta. I fell for my own greedy traps and just caved without arguing.
Thank God the voice of my stomach is louder than my will. When it said it was full, hell, it was full.
But, it still doesn't stop me from coming back home and immediately stepping on the scale. Then stare as the number blurs as cogs turn to tell me the result of my 'pampering'. I always pamper myself.
I guess it's easy to see that having an unhealthy diet before is killing me now. I suppose when i stop, i would usually stop cold turkey otherwise it breaks my resolve. When i say "No sugar" it should be a permanent attachment in my daily meals to avoid as much straight sugars as possible but today was a moment of gradually building weakness. Gaya said take the two muffins and i did. I failed when i really should have struggled more.
It's just like gym class when i give up before i knew that i was approaching my limit. People break themselves to be better. I just coast and say that that's trying my best. No such shit man.
I should try harder.
I know i can't eat lesser because... the torture that it's doing to me now is on the brink of unbearable but... i can run everyday or something. Take a walk each evening.
Or maybe i should just eat lesser. Have only one meal a day or something.
You get nothing by not suffering right?
Haha!! Says the girl who's going for a banquet tomorrow!
I'll see how the days go by. I just want to lost the weight because... it'll just make me feel better.
It'll make me feel like what i worked for, at least came to fruition.
P.S. Okay, while typing this, i should really be making bill's bday prezzie. But God knows i've got so much angry chi inside of me that it ain't makin no love bearing gifts anytime soon. >.<
So, August update. Right. I realize once a month i need to rant out. Wish i could say that it's the PMS thing but, hey, considering my bodily defects, i'm not too sure =P
Okay, problem of this month or this moment?
E X P E C T A T I O Ns.
Maybe not the A kind you know. The kind that says reach for the stars and you'll land among the space dust or something like that. Nah.
I'm thinking on the two levels there are to the word or at least, for me it applies within social relations (Hmm... this might sound like it belongs to my academic blog).
Well, considering this is the unassuming 'He Chronicles' i suppose whoever said the story was to end when you don't see a person for a period of time really.... well, the fellows got it pretty much right. It's just the 'pretty much' part that spoils everything. Whoever said it probably had one hell of a social life after they each went their seperate ways or something.
Well, my life didn't change. Yeah, think of me as the sappy kid who doesn't seem to move on or something. Damn, i hate being the wuss. Pah, leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
Anyways, yes, let's get this agony over with. Me went to band concert on sat, me enjoy band concert, me went home. Then..... EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!
Okay, now, yes, yes i hear the whys and the WTF(?!!!!)s
First, the right question would be who's there at the darn concert. Yeah, he was there. Nice to see him. Strapping young chap that he was. I think he's been working out again and i was right for that part at least cause i saw him again on monday.
Had to finish some stuff with MMU so yea, trodded along and hung out with the Babu and Misa-chan. It was so cool seeing them again!! When they left for their classes, i was left in the care of Ezza who of course suggested we crash the Cyberia apartment to see who was home.
The dude who answered the door was someone that i didn't know and yea, maybe i should have made friends or something but, he wasn't looking too thrilled to be away from his computer (<-liar!! i just wasn't up to making any friends at the mo) then Adie came and joined us.
Yeah, we all talked about a bunch of stuff. Wait, let me make an announcement. OMG!!!!!! ADIE OWNS A DYNAMES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!
And on top of that, he has a small model of ALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, alin squeaked uncontrollably upon seeing said objects then quickly regains composure and previous sense of dignity. It never does anyone good to hyperventilate in the middle of the room anyways.
Alright, on with the story. I guess my discomfort for this whole week might come from certain points that was made when we were talking like how i likened techno to the sound of Incubus and stuff.
I guess i hate to be corrected whatmore when i believe i am right thus the question hung in my head for sometime. Another was an observation that i made post-Cyber trip: I relent quite easily when Adie rebukes me. I suppose i hold him to a high enough pedestal that an argument cannot be formulated on my side because, even though my mind screams at me that "No, i really don't believe your point!!" I would brush the whole argument aside without stressing my points thoroughly. I respect him too much to doubt his answer fully resulting in a half-baked answer on my part, something that given the appropriate person would NOT happen.
Yes, the woe of the non-argumentative child. I should doubt things more. It actually helps with my studies. But i believe in the "forgive and forget" road which is completely unsuitable for academic purposes. And, relenting to Adie... well, i hate preferring one person over the next unless they come with a specific title. Just because he's someone i respect, it should not make me gullible to every word he says.
I guess, this is where the double layering comes in because, it's the same with stuff i read, stuff i'm studying about and stuff that i'm thought. It's easier to *believe*. So much more easier than attempting to make sense of an argument that consists nothing of sense to begin with.
But i'm going to have to do that right? I have half a mind to call that kid and ask him for a verbal rematch. Just to prove that i *can* trounce him without scaring him off into a corner.
But yea, maybe it's because of a certain element which i will remain in denial of, there is an expectation from me to not execute the verbal match. Afterall, what if you don't really want to win?
That's bad. I should be able to keep my head on regardless of the situation. But hell, that isn't working.
Something else that changed since the Concert on Sat was recognition. I guess being the ONLY loud girl, standing in the rain with a tall boy by her side (aka my bro) distinguishes me from the next and, under the scrutiny of these people, i sink to the side. Perasan much?
I hope so.
It isn't an admiration sort of scrutiny mind you. It's more of a curious look and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, i find it amusing when i have an armor of friends around me but an update for yea, i don't usually have friends around me. I'm a moving island and as much as it's nice to be anchored, i think i treasure the travelling breeze.
But anyways, back to the second problem, i don't really know what to do with that. It makes me feel a little bit out of sorts like... i don't know what they're expecting from me. Like, want me to go up to you and say hi?
I believe the extent of our relationship is before the stage. I don't expect any acknowledgement after simply because it should not be within you to acknowledge me. Stick to the status quo damn it and make my life a simpler place.
Yeah, it's cool when you're noticed and stuff but only if you know that they're leering at you or jeering at you or something. I don't do too well with middle-grey relationships (note: see 2007 posts) because i am complacent in a world of black and white.
I guess you can say that by giving a grey relationship, there's an unspoken expectation and, i guess the possibilities just drives me crazy. Yeah, i think too much but... i hate doubting stuff like the way i look or having to be completely conscious of the way i walk. I hate thinking of the material things though circumstances drive me to do so as well as my own imagination a guilty accomplice.
When it comes down to it, that must be the reason why i feel like crap the whole week because, as much as i head to the gym, and eat carefully (yes, i calorie count, i count my carbs, or at least i estimate) my weight doesn't seem to be too keen on going down. EVERYTHING i eat ends up placing me 1kg higher than where i was before and as a result, i become a yo-yo going easily from 72-75 in a day.
And it's depressing because, yes, as much as my trainer tries to comfort me by saying that i lost 3kgs, my weight isn't exactly improving. So i wonder is it because my diet? Should i eat lesser?
The day usually unfolds with moments of depression falling in between because i regret *everything* that i put in my mouth. I won't feel it when i'm eating like today when Gaya convinced for me to buy the salad *and* the pasta. I fell for my own greedy traps and just caved without arguing.
Thank God the voice of my stomach is louder than my will. When it said it was full, hell, it was full.
But, it still doesn't stop me from coming back home and immediately stepping on the scale. Then stare as the number blurs as cogs turn to tell me the result of my 'pampering'. I always pamper myself.
I guess it's easy to see that having an unhealthy diet before is killing me now. I suppose when i stop, i would usually stop cold turkey otherwise it breaks my resolve. When i say "No sugar" it should be a permanent attachment in my daily meals to avoid as much straight sugars as possible but today was a moment of gradually building weakness. Gaya said take the two muffins and i did. I failed when i really should have struggled more.
It's just like gym class when i give up before i knew that i was approaching my limit. People break themselves to be better. I just coast and say that that's trying my best. No such shit man.
I should try harder.
I know i can't eat lesser because... the torture that it's doing to me now is on the brink of unbearable but... i can run everyday or something. Take a walk each evening.
Or maybe i should just eat lesser. Have only one meal a day or something.
You get nothing by not suffering right?
Haha!! Says the girl who's going for a banquet tomorrow!
I'll see how the days go by. I just want to lost the weight because... it'll just make me feel better.
It'll make me feel like what i worked for, at least came to fruition.
P.S. Okay, while typing this, i should really be making bill's bday prezzie. But God knows i've got so much angry chi inside of me that it ain't makin no love bearing gifts anytime soon. >.<
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