Yo'
I just changed the look a little. I realise that i'm seriously colour-blind... Or at least, the mix of garish colours (unless it is completely apalling) doesn't faze me much. Thus my current room has green walls, wooden furniture, red bedsheets, a sofa that is *completely* out of place and random blue objects strewn throughout. Weird sense of colour? Well, at least i don't wear overgrown (probably carnivorous too) purple flowers on my shirts.
I should tell chibi that i'm so sorry for not doing the piccies and our 'celebration' of Yama Pi's bday. Hahahahahahaha!! That was a bag of laughs. Nothing like a day out with your mates to cool you off. XD Hehe!! (And i promise that i'll upload the pics with a full account. No worries i remembered my thoughts throughout. So i shall giveth the story another day =P)
I should say that this isn't a good month for me. First it starts with me losing my external hard drive. Then it all went spiralling down from there =(
I'm heart broken if you can't tell. I found out that i mailed some of the stories to Ah Bune (Yayness!!) so, the blow isn't too crippling after that. But... haih... i had my archive in there >.< And i didn't burn the stuff anywhere else. Damn it.
I pray for sweet retribution to be paid when darkness engulfs the world. For i believe that justice on earth will not suffice.
Yeah. Don't mess with my stuff. EVER!
You kow why i blog. It's when insecurity seem such a formidable wall that its collapse is the promised doom for your spirit. I wonder if you rise after the challenge?
I think i have come to a semi-conclusion concerning my dysfunctional family and my thoughts. It's important for you to be happy. For you to try to be happy.
And to see the world entirely within the boxes that they live within too. Yeah, it was something that i used to do when i was younger but, becoming older and listening to the cries of my heart, i forget that others have similar pain too.
You have to try and smile, right? =D There, that's practice. Really effective when it comes to smses. You can never tell that the person on the other side is crying their eyes out.
It's easy to fabricate things in words. I particularly like to paint my world with light and poetry. Imagine woe to be the death of a thousand suns only the emotion be not from humanity but the pain from the greens of the world as it gradually wilts to brown. The knowledge of death and doom yet such a graceful retreat for something once so alive.
Human's are brash. They're rough around the edges. None would die with such grace.
Ah, seems i have digressed again. I realise i am not easily focused. I just want to *feel* for a moment then i'd fleet away.
I realise i sound so drama huh? I'm not, really, in real life i'm the most upright thing you'd have ever met. Yea i flail and squeal sometimes but everyone has their weak moments =D
I think that my memory is fading because, partially i don't want to remember. It isn't necessary so why bother, right? It's really a problem cause i'd think about something only to forget it a second later. Much like a goldfish? I think the goldfish has better memory than me.
I missed Mythbusters when they covered the goldfish thing so i wouldn't know.
Or i can but i'm lazy?
I can't believe i can be busy and lazy at the same time. My days sometimes would be so packed but i'd still miss some stuff out and it's basically due to laziness. >.< I suck!
By the way, my results this time isn't anything to be too happy about. As a matter of fact, i should be upset and prepare myself for a due hanging. But, of course i'm too cowardly to do that. So, i'll just slog through this. I don't know if i can keep my Scholarship. I'm contemplating quitting Uni...
Silly i know. How am i going to fend for myself without a degree?
And to be labelled a drop-out... (*gasp!!*)
But, i'm suddenly wondering what all this is for.. I started this sem calm enough, watching all the happy newbies bustling back and forth all excited for finally getting this far. All ready to take the next step.
I realize how i've taken the next step... Standing upon the ascending stairwell to... destiny? And... there isn't anything in front of me. A few assignments maybe, a little light of flame here and there, trying my best to do well but... i really don't know where i'm going.
At least it isn't as crippling as the time i was lost in IT. That was a tad bit poisonous for the soul. I'm complacent here, used to my reputation as a writer in the past.
I forget that i have to rebuild myself with each new step. That the next step comes from me approaching my goal.
I forget that i'm a writer. That i can do it if i just try beyond trying. Just don't hold back. Just don't hold back...
I'm so used to leading myself by my own hand, that when i'm here, higher than when i began, both of me is stumped. We just stare at the vast space before us and see nothing. Not despair, not pain, not joy, not faith. Nothing.
There's a touch of eerie calmness to its paint but perhaps that is what disarms us. We are caught unawares.
Move, god damn it!
I'm not afraid. Just too content to move.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Read at your own risk: Elections
Hey... Um... Yea, i know it's been awhile since i graced these fine pages with beautiful ink of imprinted black.
But... i guess today i have something to say. It's something that perhaps to some, seems unreasonable or just darn stupid. Paranoia?
I might be crossposting this to other blogs as well, because, i guess it's part propaganda, part opinion and another part extremely educational for those who stay here. Well, it did educate me to a certain extent anyways.
I
t's concerning the elections. Yes, collective gasp everyone. Since when is alin interested enough in politics to *blog* about it. But, something has got me terribly spooked. Truth be told, it was last week i think when all of a sudden posters depicting various logos- most of which i know nothing of to decipher any coherent meaning from- started decorating the walkways, roads, every available breathing space there was.
It was really saying, elections are here.
It scared me because, i suppose it was and is one of my first memories of blatant propaganda. The years before i was too young. I can only recollect images of people lining up from various out of reach places flashing across the tv screen. I guess this time, when i'm an *Adult* it makes a difference.
I remember learning in history class that media is in no way meant to push the people towards a particular party. They are to remain neutral as not to swing anything in any direction. It's either my teacher was lying, i was too ignorant to see the humour or we decided to take a book out of america's free will and manipulation guide for success.
Whatever it was, ads appeared in the television as well as the newspapers. I didn't find this particularly alarming but, because i had faith in my teacher, i knew something had changed. This is the first year i think i believe the opposition has a chance to win though to say that i'm afraid of that, it still somehow misses the mark. I'm worried about the consequences.
The people are changing. It's a good thing right? We thoroughly believe in a system majoring in democracy, or at least a majority that is educated and young enough to take a risk is saying that the old need to be abolished. The new is all that matters. Times are changing. Let us prepare ourselves for the future because the old cannot be depended on to guide us through.
In the end, it is to either carry a corrupt governement, whom we know is corrupt into the future of this nation or hand Our Country to those who are young. Who carry the same dreams as we do. Who believe that this country can be brought further under the guidance of another hand. Enough of the old, they say. Let those who are pure strive to guide us through the right path. Ne?
Haha!! I want to believe the same thing. That we're all good guys in the end. But another thing has got me thinking as well. Darn thoughts that stem from the conversation of others.
A government will always be corrupt right. So i guess that doesn't matter that much (trust me, i do not think i can handle the major burden of voting anytime soon. Thank god i missed this ship) but what about this need for change?
How can we preserve the practice of the old yet change? Sometimes i wonder what's so bad. Everyone says we're an apartheid society and that there's unfairness everywhere. You can see the shadows of the suppressed as they curse our existence. Yes, i'm one of those who is ignorant enough to ask such a question. I'm one of the privileged here.
But, my mother was telling me about the riot of 69. I guess once writing it here, i can come up with no concrete proof. I apologize. It is also a biased view of things, therefore, do not expect fair criticism from me because my eyes are already tinted. Whatever i say can be held against me through every aspect.
She said, it was after an election such as this where the opposition had won. I think it was a Chinese majority. The Malays were outraged. My mum said it might be silly of them as well because the Chinese party could have only won with *their* votes. She commented that they thought they were intelligent when they did it not understanding the consequences. That was the basis of the riot. Though much good that did. All it did was kill.
She mentioned the worries of these Malays. She said, usually, if a company is of Chinese ownership, chances are, a criteria for acceptence would be your race to be Chinese. I'm unsure if i've mentioned this before. I might have but i assure it is only out of the incoherence of thought. It is concerning a University Malaya incident where the Dean had been a Chinese. Chinese lecturers eventually found themselves spots in the University. The acceptence rate for the Malays dropped because, the quota had shifted.
I'm not mentioning this as a bad thing, i have to say. I am pointing out an observation. I know there are those out there who would say, "They deserved this. Look at what they've done to us and when we turn the tables, we get blog entries such as this."
I'm not surprised actually. Are you if they say that?
I did ask my mum if it was the same anywhere else in the world. My mum answered that chances are not because not many countries are multi-racial and not at gun point with each other. I wanted to say we aren't racist and we don't hate each other, but that might just be my friends and i. Everyone else seems to have something bad to say about the others that it pains my ear to hear.
The reaction of the Chinese Dean which was to immediately preserve his race i can't say is wrong. He's just trying to help his people, can you fault that? It is just the same with the Malay Dean. Only people have more complaints about the Malay man because we have the law and thingamajigs on our side. We're wrong because of that.
I think that's the mentality here or at least, that would be the political mentality. If you're not Malay or bumiputera, you're suppressed. You grow up believing that, viewing everything with those eyes. Have you ever wondered what you see?
But, then again, i grew up with the eyes of 'the fortunate'. I can't see this hatred and suppression that you see. I'm sorry...
What i do believe, is that we need leaders who are not prone to selecting one race over the other. I know of the quota system and understand its faults. A large portion of the cake, they say goes to the bumiputera however, though this is the condition, the Chinese and Indians are still allowed on the cake too. Mean much, my words?
Hence, the fortunate eyes.
What if only one race is allowed to dominate the cake. Wouldn't that be worst?
The best is if everyone can attack the cake together. That will be the perfect system.
But what if someone is too weak to attack the cake. It's wrong isn't it to hand them crutches so that they can run.
Equality sometimes isn't displayed by numbers. It's a qualitative count that exists in the most menial of ways.
Everything in life is a double-edged sword. Sometimes, you need to win together to make things work. The fact that the government isn't helping people who are capable of making it angers others. Point, that's biased, you're gonna say. I agree. But, i'm for winning together.
At the cost of the happiness of others? How selfish.
Am i? How rich and fortunate are you suppose to be to be happy?
Honestly? I don't know how to be fair in this. Mostly because i don't know enough. I know not enough demographics to make a complete comparison neither am i clear on the delegation of economy in the country.
All i know is, we need the Goreng Pisang seller, and the Garbage collector. We need the waiter, the college counselor and the local writer. We need comic artists, the translators, the guy we can admire in the local cafe. We need everyone in society to hold up the bargain that is the ideology of nationalism.
It's retarded, it's stupid and hurts because, each word they say pack a punch of lies. We're angered because they're trying to make us believe things that aren't true.
I get angry too but i know why they do it.
It just hurts because they enjoy doing it as well. Or to me it seems so.
I'm not particularly worried about my children not getting scholarships as my mum puts it. I guess that means they just have to work extra hard to get their places. Placing the Malays in the minority might teach us a lesson to be the suppressed.
I won't say that i'm looking forward to it but, if it comes without bloodshed, i'd take it anyday.
The good thing about the Chinese people is that, when they're down, they get right back up. They push themselves. I know scholarships are often pushed to Bumiputeras (you have to know the rightplaces for these statistics. Sadly, i don't. I'm ignorant, remember?) but, they build themselves right up. I've heard of a few scholarships, mainly the newspapers that are there to support them.
In the future, if it comes to the Malaysia that is owned by the Chinese (I'm sorry other ethnic groups. You aren't in the discussion yet cause this is the situation now >.<) they do change *us* for the better. And if other places falls to any other party, whoever it is, whatever you stand for, in the end perhaps you should work for the better of *all*. It might be too much to ask based on the concept of 'what works for you not necessarily works for me' but by trying, we make lesser mistakes than when we don't, right?
I pray there be no riot of '69 over again because we've all learned history. The biggest war of our age, the Iraq war, only started a few years ago. We can't destroy one another! That's just silly.
But either way, i can feel the fear in the air.
Please do take care of youself.
Okay. Phew, that's a lot of words, eh? =P
Let's hope tomorrow is brighter than today =D
Alin
I just placed that in Lj, and i realized the entry is full of holes. I know how to attack me if anything comes and there'd be no way for me to defend any neutrality i might posses. This is why i fear speaking up sometimes because we're easily labelled and such but, bite the bullet my man.
I realize how irrational some of the thoughts are. If i was fair, i'd cross-check the threat the Malays posses from every ethnic group and vice versa. That's the only remedy to the holes. Because to say that you only have one worry in a situation is far from the truth but, i can't help it. I'm not too well versed in statistics.
The entry, if i was to analyze it, would be more of expressing worry for the coming storm while the second is expressing worry through my eyes. I'm sorry for not being academic in these entries and providing a neutral ground for argument. I just needed a place to vent my fears.
I pray this harms you not...
But... i guess today i have something to say. It's something that perhaps to some, seems unreasonable or just darn stupid. Paranoia?
I might be crossposting this to other blogs as well, because, i guess it's part propaganda, part opinion and another part extremely educational for those who stay here. Well, it did educate me to a certain extent anyways.
I
t's concerning the elections. Yes, collective gasp everyone. Since when is alin interested enough in politics to *blog* about it. But, something has got me terribly spooked. Truth be told, it was last week i think when all of a sudden posters depicting various logos- most of which i know nothing of to decipher any coherent meaning from- started decorating the walkways, roads, every available breathing space there was.
It was really saying, elections are here.
It scared me because, i suppose it was and is one of my first memories of blatant propaganda. The years before i was too young. I can only recollect images of people lining up from various out of reach places flashing across the tv screen. I guess this time, when i'm an *Adult* it makes a difference.
I remember learning in history class that media is in no way meant to push the people towards a particular party. They are to remain neutral as not to swing anything in any direction. It's either my teacher was lying, i was too ignorant to see the humour or we decided to take a book out of america's free will and manipulation guide for success.
Whatever it was, ads appeared in the television as well as the newspapers. I didn't find this particularly alarming but, because i had faith in my teacher, i knew something had changed. This is the first year i think i believe the opposition has a chance to win though to say that i'm afraid of that, it still somehow misses the mark. I'm worried about the consequences.
The people are changing. It's a good thing right? We thoroughly believe in a system majoring in democracy, or at least a majority that is educated and young enough to take a risk is saying that the old need to be abolished. The new is all that matters. Times are changing. Let us prepare ourselves for the future because the old cannot be depended on to guide us through.
In the end, it is to either carry a corrupt governement, whom we know is corrupt into the future of this nation or hand Our Country to those who are young. Who carry the same dreams as we do. Who believe that this country can be brought further under the guidance of another hand. Enough of the old, they say. Let those who are pure strive to guide us through the right path. Ne?
Haha!! I want to believe the same thing. That we're all good guys in the end. But another thing has got me thinking as well. Darn thoughts that stem from the conversation of others.
A government will always be corrupt right. So i guess that doesn't matter that much (trust me, i do not think i can handle the major burden of voting anytime soon. Thank god i missed this ship) but what about this need for change?
How can we preserve the practice of the old yet change? Sometimes i wonder what's so bad. Everyone says we're an apartheid society and that there's unfairness everywhere. You can see the shadows of the suppressed as they curse our existence. Yes, i'm one of those who is ignorant enough to ask such a question. I'm one of the privileged here.
But, my mother was telling me about the riot of 69. I guess once writing it here, i can come up with no concrete proof. I apologize. It is also a biased view of things, therefore, do not expect fair criticism from me because my eyes are already tinted. Whatever i say can be held against me through every aspect.
She said, it was after an election such as this where the opposition had won. I think it was a Chinese majority. The Malays were outraged. My mum said it might be silly of them as well because the Chinese party could have only won with *their* votes. She commented that they thought they were intelligent when they did it not understanding the consequences. That was the basis of the riot. Though much good that did. All it did was kill.
She mentioned the worries of these Malays. She said, usually, if a company is of Chinese ownership, chances are, a criteria for acceptence would be your race to be Chinese. I'm unsure if i've mentioned this before. I might have but i assure it is only out of the incoherence of thought. It is concerning a University Malaya incident where the Dean had been a Chinese. Chinese lecturers eventually found themselves spots in the University. The acceptence rate for the Malays dropped because, the quota had shifted.
I'm not mentioning this as a bad thing, i have to say. I am pointing out an observation. I know there are those out there who would say, "They deserved this. Look at what they've done to us and when we turn the tables, we get blog entries such as this."
I'm not surprised actually. Are you if they say that?
I did ask my mum if it was the same anywhere else in the world. My mum answered that chances are not because not many countries are multi-racial and not at gun point with each other. I wanted to say we aren't racist and we don't hate each other, but that might just be my friends and i. Everyone else seems to have something bad to say about the others that it pains my ear to hear.
The reaction of the Chinese Dean which was to immediately preserve his race i can't say is wrong. He's just trying to help his people, can you fault that? It is just the same with the Malay Dean. Only people have more complaints about the Malay man because we have the law and thingamajigs on our side. We're wrong because of that.
I think that's the mentality here or at least, that would be the political mentality. If you're not Malay or bumiputera, you're suppressed. You grow up believing that, viewing everything with those eyes. Have you ever wondered what you see?
But, then again, i grew up with the eyes of 'the fortunate'. I can't see this hatred and suppression that you see. I'm sorry...
What i do believe, is that we need leaders who are not prone to selecting one race over the other. I know of the quota system and understand its faults. A large portion of the cake, they say goes to the bumiputera however, though this is the condition, the Chinese and Indians are still allowed on the cake too. Mean much, my words?
Hence, the fortunate eyes.
What if only one race is allowed to dominate the cake. Wouldn't that be worst?
The best is if everyone can attack the cake together. That will be the perfect system.
But what if someone is too weak to attack the cake. It's wrong isn't it to hand them crutches so that they can run.
Equality sometimes isn't displayed by numbers. It's a qualitative count that exists in the most menial of ways.
Everything in life is a double-edged sword. Sometimes, you need to win together to make things work. The fact that the government isn't helping people who are capable of making it angers others. Point, that's biased, you're gonna say. I agree. But, i'm for winning together.
At the cost of the happiness of others? How selfish.
Am i? How rich and fortunate are you suppose to be to be happy?
Honestly? I don't know how to be fair in this. Mostly because i don't know enough. I know not enough demographics to make a complete comparison neither am i clear on the delegation of economy in the country.
All i know is, we need the Goreng Pisang seller, and the Garbage collector. We need the waiter, the college counselor and the local writer. We need comic artists, the translators, the guy we can admire in the local cafe. We need everyone in society to hold up the bargain that is the ideology of nationalism.
It's retarded, it's stupid and hurts because, each word they say pack a punch of lies. We're angered because they're trying to make us believe things that aren't true.
I get angry too but i know why they do it.
It just hurts because they enjoy doing it as well. Or to me it seems so.
I'm not particularly worried about my children not getting scholarships as my mum puts it. I guess that means they just have to work extra hard to get their places. Placing the Malays in the minority might teach us a lesson to be the suppressed.
I won't say that i'm looking forward to it but, if it comes without bloodshed, i'd take it anyday.
The good thing about the Chinese people is that, when they're down, they get right back up. They push themselves. I know scholarships are often pushed to Bumiputeras (you have to know the rightplaces for these statistics. Sadly, i don't. I'm ignorant, remember?) but, they build themselves right up. I've heard of a few scholarships, mainly the newspapers that are there to support them.
In the future, if it comes to the Malaysia that is owned by the Chinese (I'm sorry other ethnic groups. You aren't in the discussion yet cause this is the situation now >.<) they do change *us* for the better. And if other places falls to any other party, whoever it is, whatever you stand for, in the end perhaps you should work for the better of *all*. It might be too much to ask based on the concept of 'what works for you not necessarily works for me' but by trying, we make lesser mistakes than when we don't, right?
I pray there be no riot of '69 over again because we've all learned history. The biggest war of our age, the Iraq war, only started a few years ago. We can't destroy one another! That's just silly.
But either way, i can feel the fear in the air.
Please do take care of youself.
Okay. Phew, that's a lot of words, eh? =P
Let's hope tomorrow is brighter than today =D
Alin
I just placed that in Lj, and i realized the entry is full of holes. I know how to attack me if anything comes and there'd be no way for me to defend any neutrality i might posses. This is why i fear speaking up sometimes because we're easily labelled and such but, bite the bullet my man.
I realize how irrational some of the thoughts are. If i was fair, i'd cross-check the threat the Malays posses from every ethnic group and vice versa. That's the only remedy to the holes. Because to say that you only have one worry in a situation is far from the truth but, i can't help it. I'm not too well versed in statistics.
The entry, if i was to analyze it, would be more of expressing worry for the coming storm while the second is expressing worry through my eyes. I'm sorry for not being academic in these entries and providing a neutral ground for argument. I just needed a place to vent my fears.
I pray this harms you not...
Monday, February 25, 2008
First day back
I'm so sorry for placing this here. Y'know, for once i wished that i did not tell anyone of this blog though close mates they might be. I pray my language here be too hard for others to decipher therefore the attempts of none shall prevail thus none would know the plight that banes my tainted soul so much.
Firstly perhaps i shall atone for my sins. I'm sorry for cursing the internet servers as they wished not to load any faster though the signal strength was 'Good'. I'm sorry to most of my col friends for being such a prick and a dysfunctional/dead prick at that. I'm an idiot. An idiot that cannot live in seclusion. How foolish.
Perhaps i should be sorry for my existence. Yet, there is not much to say for that. I used to think i arrived with a purpose but i suppose there are vessels of God made intended for chaos. Or rather it was my own decision. It seems wrong to blame God for something that was so wholly my own, somehow.
I fought with her again today. That would make it what? Everyday of the week?
It's selfish of me. Right?
I'm the kid. I'm always wrong. Asking questions is too much. Attempting to strive for intelligence through commutable knowledge is nothing but an insult to her. Because children are meant to be seen and not heard.
I'm suppose to be stupid. Right?
Heh. This whole insecurity crap. Truth is ingrained in a wall of bricks though impending it is, casting its broad darkness over my head, slathering me in its coat of black, i do not accept it.
Is that not enough of stupidity for you?
Oh, on another note. I had a pretty good time in school today. Stuff was fun. Great seeing everyone except i'm still sorry for being a dysfinctional prick. Yeah. I should move into the hostel. Life seems better that way. But of course, money grows on trees.
That's probably the only stepping stone.
The odd thing about my mom, is that my bro (the only one who she loves and gives full blessings to) would tell her what she did wrong. She'd sarcasticly apologize (actually, sarcasm isn't the intonation, it's the intention) then just forget about it. I think it's because of her philosophy that basically details her confidence.
She tried passing it on to me once but the problem with growing up alongside a daunting mother is that, sometimes, you yourself become insecure. I'm glad though that my sister is following in her footsteps.
At least that would be one of her daughters making it big. It's something you need... that confidence to succeed. I never wanting such strength because the swelling of muscles scare me.
Perhaps that is why i do not favour her ideals too much. And why we fight a lot.
I think i'm growing too big for the house. In the end, it might come to an ultimatum of either she goes, or i go.
I wouldn't want to chase her from the house. As much of the devil's spawn that i am, that's just plain mean. I should just get out of the house, the country, this life.
But i'm afraid that her influence might dawn over me. That i would still seek her approval each time. It's something that she gave us. Each of us, this shackle that only leads back to her.
Shackles can only be made with wisdom. When they tie us, they should understand the responsibility they bear.
I think she used to. There was a time in my life where i lived it in bliss. Where, there was an inkling of 'care' to be shared. It's either i was delusional back then, or disappeared now. I think it just evaporated now. Things aren't too well at home. Either that or i'm reading too deeply in words meant to be said callously yet with no heart attached.
Maybe i'm just looking for her approval. The idea of that disgusts me to hell. Ugh, as if it's not enough that i'm purging today. But, i won't cancel it just cause i hate it.
Thinking too much of it will only destroy me.
I should try to lead my life like normal. If normal is what you want to call it anyways.
Firstly perhaps i shall atone for my sins. I'm sorry for cursing the internet servers as they wished not to load any faster though the signal strength was 'Good'. I'm sorry to most of my col friends for being such a prick and a dysfunctional/dead prick at that. I'm an idiot. An idiot that cannot live in seclusion. How foolish.
Perhaps i should be sorry for my existence. Yet, there is not much to say for that. I used to think i arrived with a purpose but i suppose there are vessels of God made intended for chaos. Or rather it was my own decision. It seems wrong to blame God for something that was so wholly my own, somehow.
I fought with her again today. That would make it what? Everyday of the week?
It's selfish of me. Right?
I'm the kid. I'm always wrong. Asking questions is too much. Attempting to strive for intelligence through commutable knowledge is nothing but an insult to her. Because children are meant to be seen and not heard.
I'm suppose to be stupid. Right?
Heh. This whole insecurity crap. Truth is ingrained in a wall of bricks though impending it is, casting its broad darkness over my head, slathering me in its coat of black, i do not accept it.
Is that not enough of stupidity for you?
Oh, on another note. I had a pretty good time in school today. Stuff was fun. Great seeing everyone except i'm still sorry for being a dysfinctional prick. Yeah. I should move into the hostel. Life seems better that way. But of course, money grows on trees.
That's probably the only stepping stone.
The odd thing about my mom, is that my bro (the only one who she loves and gives full blessings to) would tell her what she did wrong. She'd sarcasticly apologize (actually, sarcasm isn't the intonation, it's the intention) then just forget about it. I think it's because of her philosophy that basically details her confidence.
She tried passing it on to me once but the problem with growing up alongside a daunting mother is that, sometimes, you yourself become insecure. I'm glad though that my sister is following in her footsteps.
At least that would be one of her daughters making it big. It's something you need... that confidence to succeed. I never wanting such strength because the swelling of muscles scare me.
Perhaps that is why i do not favour her ideals too much. And why we fight a lot.
I think i'm growing too big for the house. In the end, it might come to an ultimatum of either she goes, or i go.
I wouldn't want to chase her from the house. As much of the devil's spawn that i am, that's just plain mean. I should just get out of the house, the country, this life.
But i'm afraid that her influence might dawn over me. That i would still seek her approval each time. It's something that she gave us. Each of us, this shackle that only leads back to her.
Shackles can only be made with wisdom. When they tie us, they should understand the responsibility they bear.
I think she used to. There was a time in my life where i lived it in bliss. Where, there was an inkling of 'care' to be shared. It's either i was delusional back then, or disappeared now. I think it just evaporated now. Things aren't too well at home. Either that or i'm reading too deeply in words meant to be said callously yet with no heart attached.
Maybe i'm just looking for her approval. The idea of that disgusts me to hell. Ugh, as if it's not enough that i'm purging today. But, i won't cancel it just cause i hate it.
Thinking too much of it will only destroy me.
I should try to lead my life like normal. If normal is what you want to call it anyways.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The reason why?
Yo.
Yeah, i know i told chibi that i was going to sleep but i thought i'd pen some words if only upon death ears or blind eyes.
I'm pretty much satisfied/embarassed.
I managed to send the bloody card that i was stalling so much for. I was afraid that people are gonna laugh at it.... or act completely nonchalant towards it when i realise, i really to tell someone why i do it.... Why i act so sentimental as to produce a card each year just to pass it around and ask for forgiveness.
I won't go into the deeper reasons why but i'd just state my most basic, cause... i know someone would ask why. And the most dignified reason that i can conjure, aside from the excuse that i'm sentimental would be that i don't want to die tomorrow and not tell everyone how much they mean to me. I don't want to die with that regret in my heart of never uttering an apology.
Yeah, i know it would be hard for me to say it in real life. But, this is the only way i know how.
It's what i do, holding on to memories and emotions.
And wanting people to be happy...
Haha!! Maybe i am sleepy.
Note to self: still have a few more cards to go!! Some of the cards bounced back. Looks like i didn't get their mail right or something =(
Haha!! Okies. Gonna go to bed now. Nights!!
Yeah, i know i told chibi that i was going to sleep but i thought i'd pen some words if only upon death ears or blind eyes.
I'm pretty much satisfied/embarassed.
I managed to send the bloody card that i was stalling so much for. I was afraid that people are gonna laugh at it.... or act completely nonchalant towards it when i realise, i really to tell someone why i do it.... Why i act so sentimental as to produce a card each year just to pass it around and ask for forgiveness.
I won't go into the deeper reasons why but i'd just state my most basic, cause... i know someone would ask why. And the most dignified reason that i can conjure, aside from the excuse that i'm sentimental would be that i don't want to die tomorrow and not tell everyone how much they mean to me. I don't want to die with that regret in my heart of never uttering an apology.
Yeah, i know it would be hard for me to say it in real life. But, this is the only way i know how.
It's what i do, holding on to memories and emotions.
And wanting people to be happy...
Haha!! Maybe i am sleepy.
Note to self: still have a few more cards to go!! Some of the cards bounced back. Looks like i didn't get their mail right or something =(
Haha!! Okies. Gonna go to bed now. Nights!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
One reason
Yo'!!
I think i've come to a decision.
Okay, now's where i mysteriously babble myself to death. Haha!! Be prepared! =P
Y'know, i remember thinking last year. Or at least, the time that i was in MMU. I was worried that my actions are conducted based on values i learned through the television. Mass-produced, commercialised values. In one simple word? Drama.
Yups!! And i might have reacted that way. Still am... or so i realised. ^_^;;
Haha!!
And i've just dedicated my life to battling commercialism. So... a cause to fight anyone?
Weird. I'd go through hell and heaven to stand up for my beliefs but... i can't even get up and get my sis's handphone for her when she asks for it.... >.< Hmm...
I think i'm going through the inferiority complex thing again. Wait. Correction. It is not an 'i think'. It's an 'I know'. Haih.... Stupid puberty thing.
Anyways, i think... going into the course (i don't think i told it here) i had my doubts after awhile. Especially cause my results didn't exactly show the prodigy that i hoped to be. Haih. Looks like i might not be one. I suck.
But i should keep this down to earth. I should remember why i want to be a writer. I was watching 'Everywomen' on Al-Jazeera just now. Yeah. Haha!! All of a sudden i felt like breaking into the news. Anyways, they were talking about Women writers on the border of Iraq or it was in the state near Iraq i'm a little unsure. I only caught the butt of it.
And... well, they really have a cause to fight for. I read two books written by Jean Sasson a few months back talking about the harshness of the system and how one-sided it can be to women in the middle east. I guess it might be an assumption to say the same apply to them (referring to the people featured in Al-Jazeera) cause i didn't research on this stuff.
That's when i realise i know what's missing from me.
A reason to write.
A cause.
My aim to be a writer was simple when i signed up for this Monash course. It was just to help people. Because i want to do something that i can assist with these hands.
That's my cause.
That's why i'm doing this.
Let me remember, that this is why i'm alive.
I think i've come to a decision.
Okay, now's where i mysteriously babble myself to death. Haha!! Be prepared! =P
Y'know, i remember thinking last year. Or at least, the time that i was in MMU. I was worried that my actions are conducted based on values i learned through the television. Mass-produced, commercialised values. In one simple word? Drama.
Yups!! And i might have reacted that way. Still am... or so i realised. ^_^;;
Haha!!
And i've just dedicated my life to battling commercialism. So... a cause to fight anyone?
Weird. I'd go through hell and heaven to stand up for my beliefs but... i can't even get up and get my sis's handphone for her when she asks for it.... >.< Hmm...
I think i'm going through the inferiority complex thing again. Wait. Correction. It is not an 'i think'. It's an 'I know'. Haih.... Stupid puberty thing.
Anyways, i think... going into the course (i don't think i told it here) i had my doubts after awhile. Especially cause my results didn't exactly show the prodigy that i hoped to be. Haih. Looks like i might not be one. I suck.
But i should keep this down to earth. I should remember why i want to be a writer. I was watching 'Everywomen' on Al-Jazeera just now. Yeah. Haha!! All of a sudden i felt like breaking into the news. Anyways, they were talking about Women writers on the border of Iraq or it was in the state near Iraq i'm a little unsure. I only caught the butt of it.
And... well, they really have a cause to fight for. I read two books written by Jean Sasson a few months back talking about the harshness of the system and how one-sided it can be to women in the middle east. I guess it might be an assumption to say the same apply to them (referring to the people featured in Al-Jazeera) cause i didn't research on this stuff.
That's when i realise i know what's missing from me.
A reason to write.
A cause.
My aim to be a writer was simple when i signed up for this Monash course. It was just to help people. Because i want to do something that i can assist with these hands.
That's my cause.
That's why i'm doing this.
Let me remember, that this is why i'm alive.
Monday, January 14, 2008
One foot
Hello.
Well, my post today indicates that i am alive.
I'm just going to start off with a nice cyptic statement.
I think i started it.
I think i'm making my family break apart. Maybe as i was looking at them, cursing them for their blindness and ignorance towards the emotion of one another, my hands had striked a hammer unto the ground, splintering the remains of this family apart.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
It is because i exist right?
It's because of me...
Haha!! I guess i did it again.
Just a little case on the update, the fam's a little rocky at the mo. I've complained enough so, i guess that statement will do. At present, my mother hates me because she believes that i in turn hate her. Such a strong word, yet any lesser of a word would do the situation no justice. My siblings are wary of me. After all, i am much like a tyrant raining hale across the land. Bringing forth devastation even as i breathe. Even as i exist. It is me. At one moment, i can be calm. My spirit a drawn horizontal line stretched across the scene. Yet the next... yes, the next is where you will see my rage. It is anger. Wrath. It is my vengeance of my own existance brought upon the lives of these innocent people.
It is my fault, really.
My father just doesn't care. Or he pretends not to. I don't know. I stopped questioning after awhile.
I remember the last time this anger had struck. It was when the division of affection had been greatest. When i was younger and love, the rancid word that it is seem scarce.
I guess that is the only moment that i feel out of sort. When i really feel displaced from society because all of a sudden, the line that contained the throng of human hearts just seem too narrow for a space that was me. I also remember how i grew out of it.
I had school. I had friends who really accepted me. I had comfort and the support and projects to complete. School to focus on. Life to lead. There was so much going on. I had to grow out of this.
I hope this baggage doesn't stay. Because, i'm older. I should be able to lead my life now.
I should be stronger, ne?
Haha!! I can't let this bother me too much, but i guess cause i have nothing much to worry about, this stuff is the easiest thing to worry about. Anyways, i'm thinking about spending a couple of nights in Cyber after this. Just taking a few days off.
Well, that's all now.
Sorry for the depressing entry. I wish i was more cheerful by nature, but.... hmm... i wonder if it's a little too late to convert myself... XD haha... I'm gonna have to think about that. =P Anyways. That it.
Ja'
Well, my post today indicates that i am alive.
I'm just going to start off with a nice cyptic statement.
I think i started it.
I think i'm making my family break apart. Maybe as i was looking at them, cursing them for their blindness and ignorance towards the emotion of one another, my hands had striked a hammer unto the ground, splintering the remains of this family apart.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
It is because i exist right?
It's because of me...
Haha!! I guess i did it again.
Just a little case on the update, the fam's a little rocky at the mo. I've complained enough so, i guess that statement will do. At present, my mother hates me because she believes that i in turn hate her. Such a strong word, yet any lesser of a word would do the situation no justice. My siblings are wary of me. After all, i am much like a tyrant raining hale across the land. Bringing forth devastation even as i breathe. Even as i exist. It is me. At one moment, i can be calm. My spirit a drawn horizontal line stretched across the scene. Yet the next... yes, the next is where you will see my rage. It is anger. Wrath. It is my vengeance of my own existance brought upon the lives of these innocent people.
It is my fault, really.
My father just doesn't care. Or he pretends not to. I don't know. I stopped questioning after awhile.
I remember the last time this anger had struck. It was when the division of affection had been greatest. When i was younger and love, the rancid word that it is seem scarce.
I guess that is the only moment that i feel out of sort. When i really feel displaced from society because all of a sudden, the line that contained the throng of human hearts just seem too narrow for a space that was me. I also remember how i grew out of it.
I had school. I had friends who really accepted me. I had comfort and the support and projects to complete. School to focus on. Life to lead. There was so much going on. I had to grow out of this.
I hope this baggage doesn't stay. Because, i'm older. I should be able to lead my life now.
I should be stronger, ne?
Haha!! I can't let this bother me too much, but i guess cause i have nothing much to worry about, this stuff is the easiest thing to worry about. Anyways, i'm thinking about spending a couple of nights in Cyber after this. Just taking a few days off.
Well, that's all now.
Sorry for the depressing entry. I wish i was more cheerful by nature, but.... hmm... i wonder if it's a little too late to convert myself... XD haha... I'm gonna have to think about that. =P Anyways. That it.
Ja'
Friday, December 21, 2007
Problem wagon and two options ingrained
You know, there's an age in life where you'd seriously think about moving out of the house. After all, over the great big blue ocean, teenagers leave the terrifyingly wide and non-ventilated wings of the mamas and papas and try to make a living in the big bad world. I think... i might be at that point now. Damn.
Yeah, nothing to curse if you're all comfortable with yourself. I don't even feel emotionally stable now that i was thinking, should i move out or commit suicide? One would rid me of my parents for a time being and the next... well, i'll say hi to them in hell if they pass by. Not that i want them to of course. God be willing to grant their souls passage to paradise.
I know for a fact, at this moment that clamping up is just hurting me. Not sharing my feelings cause me to suffer rather alone here on my room in my smelly clothes and unwashed self. Really, i have a feeling that even bathing might not rid me of this taint. I've become rather like poison, y'know? I'd kill you if i have the chance and the funny thing is, i know i can do it. I can hurt people rather easily, emotionally and physically. Even i'm afraid of myself sometimes...
Okay, back to more cheerful and solvable matters. So should i run away from home or kill myself? The second option has a shine to it, y'know? I was walking with the parentals and bro earlier when i realised that i have absolutely no qualms about taking the knife and dragging it across my neck at that moment. I even had this weird sensation that i might laugh but that be too awfully mean. There were kids and i wouldn't want to scar them for life. I'd be worried about my brother anyways. I don't know how he would cope if i commit suicide.
So does that mean run away first then commit suicide? Troublesome... Y'know, the fact that i'm blogging this shows i've probably filed those actions for later. I won't do something i've blogged about! That's crazy!! Most unfortunately, i can't commit suicide. It's a sin. On top of that i still believe in God. Until the day comes that i relinquish all faith in Him, i'm bound onto this world.
Somehow, when i'm at my lowest, my thoughts are rather predictable ne? You curse your chains don't you though a field can you wander with them attached to your wrists?
First i shall admit my faults. I am very grumpy in the morning. "Oooh, is that it?" are you going to ask? No, i'm REALLY grumpy in the morning. Not many people know the right method to waking me up. Most of the time, in the process, i'd snap at you. Like *really* harshly. I think the only one who has effectively woken me up is Ezza and sheel but that might be cause they were my roommates. So, i can't darn well snap at them everytime they try to wake me ne? Darn subconscious with its ulterior motive!! Just in case you think that it's cause they're my friends, i would have to say not really. Izan once accidentally woke me up when i was on a bus with her. She sat beside me and i think she accidentally nudged me. I woke up, glared at her, and shoved her back. Like hard. And then went back to sleep. *note: i'm dangerous*
I'm a nasty person who has the most glaring defects that no doubt chaffes into the thick hides of my family members. You know, like that little goth chick in mary sue and gary stus little home? Something like that. And i can KILL too!! It's like an extra defect. I wonder how short the straw was when i drew it right before my birth?
Yeah, okay so today i woke up with a cloud over my head. Like a nasty cloud. Granted, i slept late. Oops, i mean early. And i guess my parents couldn't take it anymore. My dad started talking about embargos (which i don't know what that means but was too irritated to ask) and curfews around twelve or something like that and my mum going
"Kalau nak bangun jumpe kawan boleh."
looooooooooong pause made to shatter your soul.
"Pukul lima pun boleh."
replay looooooooooooooong pause.
"Kalau jumpe kawan pukul berape pun boleh."
insert looooooooooooooong pause.
"Kalau jumpe kawan boleh bangun."
loooooooooooooooooooong pause.
*sweatdrop*
She was grumbling to herself i think. She was playing her mind games AGAIN! The thing is, you can't feel guilty and resentful at the same time!! That feeling's utter crap! You want to smack the person yet at the same time be a docile little girl. Ouch! Like emotional overload. Hah! Take that you sleepy brain. See? Who told you to snap at people in the morning? Let this be a lesson to your morning grumpiness. Only, i have a feeling i might just stay grumpy in the mornings now to spite them. Heck, it irritated the hell out of my dad and really peeved my mum. Such happiness isn't it?
I guess this is where running away comes in. At least it's better isn't it? I'm saving these people AND me from me.
I just want to clear it up so that on the day of my death, if i do commit suicide or whatever, let those who read this blog bear a certain responsibility. I want the truth to be known. I want my blogs and Confessions to be read by those who know me. Not because of some spiteful telling or anything like that, it's just that... I don't think i want to die with secrets and maybe, yeah, there's that part of me that doesn't want to go out without a bang but, it's painful to keep these inside, all my curses and discontentment when i have sinned on their names.
I was thinking the other day. What if i die? I think the most frustrating part would be that i haven't done anything to mark my existence on this world. Maybe the one thing that i fear above all is to be hated and forgotten. I was also thinking that it would be nice if people cried on the day of my death but, it would be sweeter if they laughed. If they remembered their lives tangled along with mine and be able to continue on tomorrow because they know they had done something yesterday.
My mum said that i was willing to wake up at five just for the sake of meeting my friends, that's true. Only because my friends had aided me much, much more and in the most dire of my times. It isn't because she didn't try, don't get me wrong. It's just that.. I guess she didn't know how. When i want to talk to her about the pains in my life like how suicidal i am or how depressed i can get, she'd give me a lecture on the hardship of life. Of how life was not meant to be easy. You take it the best you can. And you're only responsible for yourself. If you fall, you fall alone, so rise by yourself as well.
I can't expect much help from that corner, but isn't that the same for everything else?
I resent the fact that love today is shown through material possessions. How my father shows he cares is by slipping money into our pockets and eventhough my mum lectures on values, she really can't be there for me when i need her the most because she doesn't have the emotional strength for it and she's much too bitter about the things in life to help a depressed person even more. ^_^;;; My brother is actually quite strong in this sense, but... i might be sapping the life out of him so i shouldn't lean on him that much. Aside from that, he's still growing up... I can't put that much onto him anyways.
I realise that since the first entry, this is my second time i'm talking about family. I think. Hehe.. I guess everyone has interesting imperfections in their families. Mine is probably the same. I can't stay mad at them for long though what my mother had done the last time had damaged our relationship really badly. I wasn't ever close to her but now i see all that she does with a heavy dose of salt with it. Sometimes i wish that i can't 'see' so much. Ignorance is bliss afterall.
Really, you can't compare friends and family and according to the Ustaz at our masjid some guideline-to-the-end-of-the-world entry no. !@# was putting your friends before family.
It's safe to say that he had a nice supportive family. Maybe that comes with the piety. I wouldn't say that i'm unfortunate because in comparison to others, there are worst.
I'm just saying that i can't keep on feeling like this all the time. Until the day i move out of the house, i think the options will remain between these two.
I'm much calmer now. I'm just going to sleep early anyways.
Oh, maybe to clear some confusion up, i should relate the chronology of today's events. My mum kicked me out of bed where i threw a hissy fit. We got into the car after bathing and all that, (me with my sour face), statement exchange in the car on the way to OU, me contemplating suicide in OU then, after awhile things calmed down.
Yeah. That was what happened. I should really be more systematic with my way of thinking but i don't usually blog with intricate details. Anyways, let's hope things are cool. let's hope i run away, get a new house or die soon.
Nope, that was not a prayer. It's wishful thinking.
Peace unto the world.
Ja'!!
Yeah, nothing to curse if you're all comfortable with yourself. I don't even feel emotionally stable now that i was thinking, should i move out or commit suicide? One would rid me of my parents for a time being and the next... well, i'll say hi to them in hell if they pass by. Not that i want them to of course. God be willing to grant their souls passage to paradise.
I know for a fact, at this moment that clamping up is just hurting me. Not sharing my feelings cause me to suffer rather alone here on my room in my smelly clothes and unwashed self. Really, i have a feeling that even bathing might not rid me of this taint. I've become rather like poison, y'know? I'd kill you if i have the chance and the funny thing is, i know i can do it. I can hurt people rather easily, emotionally and physically. Even i'm afraid of myself sometimes...
Okay, back to more cheerful and solvable matters. So should i run away from home or kill myself? The second option has a shine to it, y'know? I was walking with the parentals and bro earlier when i realised that i have absolutely no qualms about taking the knife and dragging it across my neck at that moment. I even had this weird sensation that i might laugh but that be too awfully mean. There were kids and i wouldn't want to scar them for life. I'd be worried about my brother anyways. I don't know how he would cope if i commit suicide.
So does that mean run away first then commit suicide? Troublesome... Y'know, the fact that i'm blogging this shows i've probably filed those actions for later. I won't do something i've blogged about! That's crazy!! Most unfortunately, i can't commit suicide. It's a sin. On top of that i still believe in God. Until the day comes that i relinquish all faith in Him, i'm bound onto this world.
Somehow, when i'm at my lowest, my thoughts are rather predictable ne? You curse your chains don't you though a field can you wander with them attached to your wrists?
First i shall admit my faults. I am very grumpy in the morning. "Oooh, is that it?" are you going to ask? No, i'm REALLY grumpy in the morning. Not many people know the right method to waking me up. Most of the time, in the process, i'd snap at you. Like *really* harshly. I think the only one who has effectively woken me up is Ezza and sheel but that might be cause they were my roommates. So, i can't darn well snap at them everytime they try to wake me ne? Darn subconscious with its ulterior motive!! Just in case you think that it's cause they're my friends, i would have to say not really. Izan once accidentally woke me up when i was on a bus with her. She sat beside me and i think she accidentally nudged me. I woke up, glared at her, and shoved her back. Like hard. And then went back to sleep. *note: i'm dangerous*
I'm a nasty person who has the most glaring defects that no doubt chaffes into the thick hides of my family members. You know, like that little goth chick in mary sue and gary stus little home? Something like that. And i can KILL too!! It's like an extra defect. I wonder how short the straw was when i drew it right before my birth?
Yeah, okay so today i woke up with a cloud over my head. Like a nasty cloud. Granted, i slept late. Oops, i mean early. And i guess my parents couldn't take it anymore. My dad started talking about embargos (which i don't know what that means but was too irritated to ask) and curfews around twelve or something like that and my mum going
"Kalau nak bangun jumpe kawan boleh."
looooooooooong pause made to shatter your soul.
"Pukul lima pun boleh."
replay looooooooooooooong pause.
"Kalau jumpe kawan pukul berape pun boleh."
insert looooooooooooooong pause.
"Kalau jumpe kawan boleh bangun."
loooooooooooooooooooong pause.
*sweatdrop*
She was grumbling to herself i think. She was playing her mind games AGAIN! The thing is, you can't feel guilty and resentful at the same time!! That feeling's utter crap! You want to smack the person yet at the same time be a docile little girl. Ouch! Like emotional overload. Hah! Take that you sleepy brain. See? Who told you to snap at people in the morning? Let this be a lesson to your morning grumpiness. Only, i have a feeling i might just stay grumpy in the mornings now to spite them. Heck, it irritated the hell out of my dad and really peeved my mum. Such happiness isn't it?
I guess this is where running away comes in. At least it's better isn't it? I'm saving these people AND me from me.
I just want to clear it up so that on the day of my death, if i do commit suicide or whatever, let those who read this blog bear a certain responsibility. I want the truth to be known. I want my blogs and Confessions to be read by those who know me. Not because of some spiteful telling or anything like that, it's just that... I don't think i want to die with secrets and maybe, yeah, there's that part of me that doesn't want to go out without a bang but, it's painful to keep these inside, all my curses and discontentment when i have sinned on their names.
I was thinking the other day. What if i die? I think the most frustrating part would be that i haven't done anything to mark my existence on this world. Maybe the one thing that i fear above all is to be hated and forgotten. I was also thinking that it would be nice if people cried on the day of my death but, it would be sweeter if they laughed. If they remembered their lives tangled along with mine and be able to continue on tomorrow because they know they had done something yesterday.
My mum said that i was willing to wake up at five just for the sake of meeting my friends, that's true. Only because my friends had aided me much, much more and in the most dire of my times. It isn't because she didn't try, don't get me wrong. It's just that.. I guess she didn't know how. When i want to talk to her about the pains in my life like how suicidal i am or how depressed i can get, she'd give me a lecture on the hardship of life. Of how life was not meant to be easy. You take it the best you can. And you're only responsible for yourself. If you fall, you fall alone, so rise by yourself as well.
I can't expect much help from that corner, but isn't that the same for everything else?
I resent the fact that love today is shown through material possessions. How my father shows he cares is by slipping money into our pockets and eventhough my mum lectures on values, she really can't be there for me when i need her the most because she doesn't have the emotional strength for it and she's much too bitter about the things in life to help a depressed person even more. ^_^;;; My brother is actually quite strong in this sense, but... i might be sapping the life out of him so i shouldn't lean on him that much. Aside from that, he's still growing up... I can't put that much onto him anyways.
I realise that since the first entry, this is my second time i'm talking about family. I think. Hehe.. I guess everyone has interesting imperfections in their families. Mine is probably the same. I can't stay mad at them for long though what my mother had done the last time had damaged our relationship really badly. I wasn't ever close to her but now i see all that she does with a heavy dose of salt with it. Sometimes i wish that i can't 'see' so much. Ignorance is bliss afterall.
Really, you can't compare friends and family and according to the Ustaz at our masjid some guideline-to-the-end-of-the-world entry no. !@# was putting your friends before family.
It's safe to say that he had a nice supportive family. Maybe that comes with the piety. I wouldn't say that i'm unfortunate because in comparison to others, there are worst.
I'm just saying that i can't keep on feeling like this all the time. Until the day i move out of the house, i think the options will remain between these two.
I'm much calmer now. I'm just going to sleep early anyways.
Oh, maybe to clear some confusion up, i should relate the chronology of today's events. My mum kicked me out of bed where i threw a hissy fit. We got into the car after bathing and all that, (me with my sour face), statement exchange in the car on the way to OU, me contemplating suicide in OU then, after awhile things calmed down.
Yeah. That was what happened. I should really be more systematic with my way of thinking but i don't usually blog with intricate details. Anyways, let's hope things are cool. let's hope i run away, get a new house or die soon.
Nope, that was not a prayer. It's wishful thinking.
Peace unto the world.
Ja'!!
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