My Monthly Update

Yo'!!

I feel like this is the end of the road or something somehow...
I just have this deep melancholic feeling inside... like i'm mourning something. Only i'm not sure what.
I feel like something died.
It might just be the deep hatred in the air.

This wouldn't be the first time i'm saying this but... I hate politics.
Yeah, the county's in turmoil with all the racist people and stuff. The political situation is placing the people in jeopardy. I guess at the end of the day, those higher ups and the ruckus-makers will forget who's gonna suffer and i can be sure it ain't them.

Another problem that seem to seep into my current situation, is the elections in school. Actually, typing those words made me realise how ridiculous it is. Just like the situation in M'sian politics. Seems trivial doesn't it?

Well, let's just say the election's is tiring. More often than not because of this semi-passive hostility that just lingers in the air. You know, facing this opponent of hatred that you never knew existed? And their hatred is on the basis of a faux perception only because their perception is a mockery of an occurrence in the past. It is because they don't understand. Just like how i don't.

It's confusing sometimes how you can hate someone so easily and it's these workings of the human mind that i simply can't fathom. I understand envy, pain. But such deep hatred... it echoes within me. Almost as if i've felt it before but i'm protected somehow. Like... my mind does not wish to remember.

Suspicious huh?

Maybe that's why when terse situations like these arise, i hide. I become irrational and snappish and just simply very skittish around the edges. Because i'm scared.

Well, if we're talking about the school elections... I can't say that i'm too scared about it. I mean, i attempted for the post because... i needed to feel worthy.

I feel really unworthy at the moment. Of many things.

I guess i'm not allowed to post this because it speaks of the elections.

But anyways, back to the above statement, I took the post because i was thinking that while my sister was out representing the country, i'm at home struggling with my weight. What a big difference. What a horrible difference.

I guess i'm just very competitive. I don't want to feel useless. I'm suppose to be perfect, right?

Okay, another smaller problem that i'm thinking about might be the connections or the inner cleansing that i'm not exactly having. Weird right that i *need* this inner cleansing thing? I mean, like unloading baggage. Like the ones that you could do around your friends. Or with your friends.

I enjoy being around my friends, truly i do but... i can't exactly talk to them about things. I'd have all these weird problems bothering me, family problems, insecurities... all these funny things that just doesn't bother others too much? No, to be fair, it does bother them and that's obvious but... It's just that if i want to talk about my family problem... well, that's behind closed doors. The latest *development* is making things difficult and... well, i guess i should try to sort it out first. Afterall, it's just a silly problem.

I was thinking about the difference between here and MMU... I think in MMU was like being trapped in a cage but Monash... Monash is just being numb from morning till night. I don't really want to complain about my friends because it's silly. It's stupid. We're all human, so we all have our problems. So why do i feel the need to complain more?

I guess in a way i'm also mourning about the loss of my friends. Sharm moved overseas, Lat's moving overseas and everyone else is just busy with their lives. I guess i'm the only one who feels like a chicken in a sea of fish in my school. And i'm not even sure how to solve this. Like... get a new best friend?

Haha!! I need a place that i feel safe cause i don't feel safe in my own skin. Like, i feel so stale on the surface. I don't understand myself anymore.

It's easy to blame someone else but i shouldn't.

I have no one to talk to now... and i realize how pathetic that sounds ^_^;;;
I'll be fine. Because i always am.
I'm perfect, aren't i?
Inside. Inside people, not the prettiness and the remembering part or the other parts that i *know* you're thinking about.

This is the beginning of surviving on my own. In MMU i had Lat as my crutch. Now it's time to see how far i can go on my own. Because i can.

By the way, i found this which... i thought was necessary to remember.
I guess... i realise that i'm a real Islam advocate person thingie... who hasn't even perfected her hold on her faith... Who's currently questioning a lot but just like my problems concerning my problems have no one to turn to. I don't know who to ask because asking shows a weakness in faith. Asking means putting myself under fire beneath all those wise men who think that my kind are the darkness of the world (notice that i'm painting a very stereotypical picture of these wise men?) Asking is suppose to be wrong. But how can you live with doubt?

I hate not knowing where i stand. I hate not knowing the truth that's why i hate any lie lesser than the 'my dog ate my homework' sort of lie. Hmm... maybe that's where all my hatred went to? The hatred of lies?

I can't fathom many things about the human mind...

But anyways, here's the article.

I think it's insightful (for people like me). It shows that one-sided hatred is the lesser intelligent solution to things and generalizations are wholly wrong. It shows that no matter what, there's that other side that says that we can get along well together regardless of the situation.

I think we should stop Hitler from coming. We should not support any proposition for a second, or third, or fourth Holocaust. No more of killing each other.

No more of murdering one another just because you think you're right they're wrong. No more deaths because it makes you stronger.

If power comes from pushing another down then that power is not worth it.

When the future comes, it is we who have the power to change it and not in haste. But with a clarity of mind absent from those who believe they are of the knowing. They are those to fear but we must not once be immobilized by such fear.

P.S. I'm probably gonna post this anyway. It's past midnight and elections is suppose to be done. Propaganda or not, i don't give a damn. I'm sorry if i knocked anyone with the words.

Happiness all, and may my faith be kept intact.

Nights!!

With one glance? (Last Friday's post)

Yo~

So, August update. Right. I realize once a month i need to rant out. Wish i could say that it's the PMS thing but, hey, considering my bodily defects, i'm not too sure =P

Okay, problem of this month or this moment?

E X P E C T A T I O Ns.

Maybe not the A kind you know. The kind that says reach for the stars and you'll land among the space dust or something like that. Nah.

I'm thinking on the two levels there are to the word or at least, for me it applies within social relations (Hmm... this might sound like it belongs to my academic blog).

Well, considering this is the unassuming 'He Chronicles' i suppose whoever said the story was to end when you don't see a person for a period of time really.... well, the fellows got it pretty much right. It's just the 'pretty much' part that spoils everything. Whoever said it probably had one hell of a social life after they each went their seperate ways or something.

Well, my life didn't change. Yeah, think of me as the sappy kid who doesn't seem to move on or something. Damn, i hate being the wuss. Pah, leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

Anyways, yes, let's get this agony over with. Me went to band concert on sat, me enjoy band concert, me went home. Then..... EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!!!!!

Okay, now, yes, yes i hear the whys and the WTF(?!!!!)s

First, the right question would be who's there at the darn concert. Yeah, he was there. Nice to see him. Strapping young chap that he was. I think he's been working out again and i was right for that part at least cause i saw him again on monday.

Had to finish some stuff with MMU so yea, trodded along and hung out with the Babu and Misa-chan. It was so cool seeing them again!! When they left for their classes, i was left in the care of Ezza who of course suggested we crash the Cyberia apartment to see who was home.

The dude who answered the door was someone that i didn't know and yea, maybe i should have made friends or something but, he wasn't looking too thrilled to be away from his computer (<-liar!! i just wasn't up to making any friends at the mo) then Adie came and joined us.

Yeah, we all talked about a bunch of stuff. Wait, let me make an announcement. OMG!!!!!! ADIE OWNS A DYNAMES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!

And on top of that, he has a small model of ALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, alin squeaked uncontrollably upon seeing said objects then quickly regains composure and previous sense of dignity. It never does anyone good to hyperventilate in the middle of the room anyways.

Alright, on with the story. I guess my discomfort for this whole week might come from certain points that was made when we were talking like how i likened techno to the sound of Incubus and stuff.

I guess i hate to be corrected whatmore when i believe i am right thus the question hung in my head for sometime. Another was an observation that i made post-Cyber trip: I relent quite easily when Adie rebukes me. I suppose i hold him to a high enough pedestal that an argument cannot be formulated on my side because, even though my mind screams at me that "No, i really don't believe your point!!" I would brush the whole argument aside without stressing my points thoroughly. I respect him too much to doubt his answer fully resulting in a half-baked answer on my part, something that given the appropriate person would NOT happen.

Yes, the woe of the non-argumentative child. I should doubt things more. It actually helps with my studies. But i believe in the "forgive and forget" road which is completely unsuitable for academic purposes. And, relenting to Adie... well, i hate preferring one person over the next unless they come with a specific title. Just because he's someone i respect, it should not make me gullible to every word he says.

I guess, this is where the double layering comes in because, it's the same with stuff i read, stuff i'm studying about and stuff that i'm thought. It's easier to *believe*. So much more easier than attempting to make sense of an argument that consists nothing of sense to begin with.

But i'm going to have to do that right? I have half a mind to call that kid and ask him for a verbal rematch. Just to prove that i *can* trounce him without scaring him off into a corner.

But yea, maybe it's because of a certain element which i will remain in denial of, there is an expectation from me to not execute the verbal match. Afterall, what if you don't really want to win?

That's bad. I should be able to keep my head on regardless of the situation. But hell, that isn't working.

Something else that changed since the Concert on Sat was recognition. I guess being the ONLY loud girl, standing in the rain with a tall boy by her side (aka my bro) distinguishes me from the next and, under the scrutiny of these people, i sink to the side. Perasan much?

I hope so.

It isn't an admiration sort of scrutiny mind you. It's more of a curious look and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, i find it amusing when i have an armor of friends around me but an update for yea, i don't usually have friends around me. I'm a moving island and as much as it's nice to be anchored, i think i treasure the travelling breeze.

But anyways, back to the second problem, i don't really know what to do with that. It makes me feel a little bit out of sorts like... i don't know what they're expecting from me. Like, want me to go up to you and say hi?

I believe the extent of our relationship is before the stage. I don't expect any acknowledgement after simply because it should not be within you to acknowledge me. Stick to the status quo damn it and make my life a simpler place.

Yeah, it's cool when you're noticed and stuff but only if you know that they're leering at you or jeering at you or something. I don't do too well with middle-grey relationships (note: see 2007 posts) because i am complacent in a world of black and white.

I guess you can say that by giving a grey relationship, there's an unspoken expectation and, i guess the possibilities just drives me crazy. Yeah, i think too much but... i hate doubting stuff like the way i look or having to be completely conscious of the way i walk. I hate thinking of the material things though circumstances drive me to do so as well as my own imagination a guilty accomplice.

When it comes down to it, that must be the reason why i feel like crap the whole week because, as much as i head to the gym, and eat carefully (yes, i calorie count, i count my carbs, or at least i estimate) my weight doesn't seem to be too keen on going down. EVERYTHING i eat ends up placing me 1kg higher than where i was before and as a result, i become a yo-yo going easily from 72-75 in a day.

And it's depressing because, yes, as much as my trainer tries to comfort me by saying that i lost 3kgs, my weight isn't exactly improving. So i wonder is it because my diet? Should i eat lesser?

The day usually unfolds with moments of depression falling in between because i regret *everything* that i put in my mouth. I won't feel it when i'm eating like today when Gaya convinced for me to buy the salad *and* the pasta. I fell for my own greedy traps and just caved without arguing.

Thank God the voice of my stomach is louder than my will. When it said it was full, hell, it was full.

But, it still doesn't stop me from coming back home and immediately stepping on the scale. Then stare as the number blurs as cogs turn to tell me the result of my 'pampering'. I always pamper myself.

I guess it's easy to see that having an unhealthy diet before is killing me now. I suppose when i stop, i would usually stop cold turkey otherwise it breaks my resolve. When i say "No sugar" it should be a permanent attachment in my daily meals to avoid as much straight sugars as possible but today was a moment of gradually building weakness. Gaya said take the two muffins and i did. I failed when i really should have struggled more.

It's just like gym class when i give up before i knew that i was approaching my limit. People break themselves to be better. I just coast and say that that's trying my best. No such shit man.

I should try harder.

I know i can't eat lesser because... the torture that it's doing to me now is on the brink of unbearable but... i can run everyday or something. Take a walk each evening.

Or maybe i should just eat lesser. Have only one meal a day or something.

You get nothing by not suffering right?

Haha!! Says the girl who's going for a banquet tomorrow!

I'll see how the days go by. I just want to lost the weight because... it'll just make me feel better.

It'll make me feel like what i worked for, at least came to fruition.


P.S. Okay, while typing this, i should really be making bill's bday prezzie. But God knows i've got so much angry chi inside of me that it ain't makin no love bearing gifts anytime soon. >.<

Life's lesson in a count to ten

Yo~


My first post for this month (not that i'm keeping track, mind you XD) I just thought i'd chip in a little. Yea. A little ^_^


Actually, this is gonna be a bit on the retrospective bit so, perhaps patience is not what i would ask for the moment as, there is nothing that be akin in need of such. =P


I wish to speak of lessons. Of things that i have learned in this age. I believe on my 20th birthday, i told my friends that with this age came a sudden awareness. An unfortunate awareness that, truth be told neither castrates nor does it veils the senses.


Brag, i pray be nothing of my words but there has always been a certain description for my perception of the world. It is no different, i am sure from yours only, well, with me it has always been an experiment to prod my senses and flex my emotional muscles thus, the way i see the world is duly noted by thyself thus, again i seek forgiveness for speaking like a pompous, self-indulging figure.


Anyway, in the years before, my sight had always been outward. Almost as if casting a net from the very eyes that i see and my mind spans to weave in between the clear lines of its fine mesh of the eyes.


I could understand, yes. And beyond understanding, i could see, comprehend, analyze. I saw the invisible threads that lay beneath the common lie and with this was a coat of pride and dignity that never fell from my being. Others mattered, yes for the heart does not seek protection. But it was from the point of view of one who stood amidst the crowd but was simultaneously observing those around. This was perhaps, the most obvious during my days in MMU.


But, my eyes have changed. I did not trade it away, for i know casting it is... not too possible, i'm quite sure ^_^;;;


Rather from an outward span of the sight, it seemed it has changed into one where my eyes see in a spherical motion. And what is the greatness of the circle? It has a center. It has a radius and a diameter though it seems, even with mathematical equations the radius matters much more than the diameter. Thus, everything is calculated with the proximity of distance in relation to the center and everything is regarded as such.


That is perhaps the greatest change that i have ever experienced in the past 20 years of my life.


I remembered in my teenage years when my eyes are clouded by a haze of black. But that did nothing to shorten my sight. The souls of others were still open for my interpretation. Now, it seems that the radius from my centre is rather fixed. To see beyond the flesh of a bethren is much too far.


I admit, i am disappointed although to see darkness is also to admit the existence of light.


This is the first that i have felt beyond the armor i place upon my being. For once, happiness (or something akin of) can truly be felt and despair, though a hundred times more potent, has never felt so real.


It is for this i am in no form of battling to redeem my earlier sight and often i wonder, is this worth it?


But as soon as the thought arises, it would be forgotten. I have chosen to forget many things, these days. Chosen, mind you. I do not forget easily. Except for birthdays. But if you believe memory to be the will of the mind, then yes, i have chosen to forget birthdays as well.


I do not know if within the future, i will retain these eyes. Or perhaps it would return to the distant coolness that understands or maybe (God forbid) it would become nothing but a mere appendage to my existence. Something there because it was meant to be there.


The foolishness of eyes that see but cannot see.


It has always been temptation to chronicle the lessons i learn in life. Because, numerous as they were, i worry i forget them because... i do not wish to remember? No, it is more of because i want myself to know that i've gone through these and i have acknowledged them. They are at once a reminder as well as a consolation.


It is also to note the changes that had taken place. I was not like this before, please understand.


There are many reasons for this list. Some of the very best intentions. Some even less so. It isn't something to mark the end. It is merely a passage.


Thus i shall begin.

1. I am not perfect.
2. I am afraid of being hurt.
3. I am easily hurt.
4. I am self-centered.
5. Friendship + my friends mean a lot to me.
6. My friends are the greatest.
7. I *heartses* ALL my friends.
8. I am weaker than i thought.
9. I shield my understanding of many things.
10. I am short-tempered.
11. I hate to be hated or misunderstood.
12. Pain hurts.
13. I reply pain with anger.
14. I answer anger with self-indignation.
15. I hold grudges.
16. I like to study. A lot. To the level of nerd-dom.
17. I hate being talked down to.
18. I hate being snuffed.
19. I hate road bullies <-- semi-random.
20. My world is seperated between the believe and the make-believe.
21. My imagination is limited.
22. I am not a full masochist or a sadist.
23. There is no drama in my life.
24. My hatred is strong.
25. I propagate my hatred.
26. I lose control quite easily.
27. I am irrational.
28. If it is a subject that doesn't concern me, it is a matter of no importance.
29. Right and wrong comes to me in retrospect.
30. I care not for the feelings of others.
31. Friendships are tools that should be used wisely.
32. I love to read.
33. I have not much angst anymore.
34. I am guilty for everything that i've done.
35. I remember everything that i have done. Especially when someone is wronged.
36. I can lie.
37. I am vain.
38. I am desperate to be acknowledged.
39. I am lazy.
40. I feel the need to be well-prepared.
41. I cry easily.
42. I have little patience and tolerence.
43. I hate kids.
44. I am envious of people smarter than me.
45. I am envious of people kinder than me.
46. I am envious of people happier than me.
47. I appreciate material objects.
48. I still believe in the possibility of happiness.
49. Art keeps my hands busy.
50. I don't hate myself.
51. I want to live.
    

I think that there's more actually. But, i can't seem to recall all. Maybe i'll update the list with new lessons. Or maybe i'll just post a new list. Cause i don't really want to rectify the mistakes i made in this.

The list above should be accompanied by an explanation. So that each can be taken for what they really mean. But, i thought... why not place it there in black and white. See it from the darkest point of view and not be afraid of the dark.

In other words, accept the possible negativity that would come with the perception of those who view it. I wrote it with the best of my intentions, knowing an explanation will tip the favor in my direction.

Just, try to be strong and face the consequences.

Don't be afraid, ne?

Lament for the Dead Man

WARNING: Spoilers for First Season of Gundam 00. Thread at your own risk.

You know, i was trying to figure out why the death of a character in Gundam 00 strike me so strongly that this is my third, quickly heading for my fourth day in mourning (if mourning means that twist in the heart everytime i see something green or suddenly having the urge to whisper 'dynames' or some nonsensical action such as that). Frankly, there is nothing special that i can speak of the characters unless what i wish to mourn is the pretty face he wore.

But knowing me, and i do know myself quite well, i wouldn't be upset like my cat just kicked the bucket or something for some pretty, charming guy person thingie who doesn't even exist (just for argument's sake, Seta-sama didn't die and neither did Neji. But i don't like them for their pretty faces onii. Hah!! XD).

That's the weirdest part.

So, i'm going to tear this apart because seriously, not knowing why this touched my heart is KILLING!!!! me.

Yes. I'm a maniac. Moving on.

There is something weird about Gundam 00. Something that, heck, i probably read too many reviews so i can't keep a completely objective view of it without hearing the echoes from the words of others.

Well, the story escalated pretty much into what i expected it to in the sense that it is typically *gundam* to have two sides, the gundams, the Opposites and then, as the story progresses, for the Opposing side to be swallowed by a third Power who will most likely battle against the gundams in the end.

The gundams themselves were, after a period of supposed stability would disappear only to reappear for a battle with the third Power.

Alright. Phase One, complete.

Gundam 00 fulfilled those two aspects well enough.

In the beginning, the world was ravaged by war. A point that is made by almost each review is the fact that the director chose to place it in A.D. rather than the fictional U.C. as the basis of the timeline. Thus the battles between the Tamils and the Muslims were inside along with various other settings that is very familiar to the current terrorism-threatened world.

The power within the world stood with three blocs as it is also in this world that petroleum was depleted. They depend on a solar energy that is manipulated by the three powers. The Union covers from U.S.A to Australia (which i thought was slightly weird cause i always thought Australia was allies with Britain) then you have The Advanced Europian Union (Well, they can't call it Europian Union can they?) and then, you have the last bloc which is the human Reform League stretching from Russia, China, India to... get this, Southeast Asia!! Man, M'sia is in there as well, all red and stuff. The rest of the world which consists of Japan, Sulawesi, Africa and the Arabic countries are neutral.

Heh.

Now, we shall stress that this is fiction. Honestly, if Petroleum was to be nonexistent i don't think the powers would be divided into three. At most i *believe* it would be two (and the neutrals) but, heck, i shan't speak of politics at the moment. I can play games of what ifs later.

Okay, three powers and 24th Century and all but still mankind has yet to learn their lesson!! They keep on fighting wars and stuff and after building this elevator thingie that reached into outer space, humanity was finally ready to colonize. Or are they?

Back to the reference with the Tamils and the Muslims, other terrorist attacks were made, war in the Middle East seemed to get worst with fights stretching into vast areas, involving civilians and the body count just kept increasing (ahem. a little note here of something i thought was weird as well, cause when i think Ireland, i think IRA not Kurdish rebels @_@ but heck, artist's creative license and it *is* the 24th Century).

Anyway, war, fighting, death = not good thing?

Well, the fighting made a soldier of a little boy, caused a boy to lose his mother and sister, produced an enhanced child and God knows what Tieria is but i reckon he has something with the war (either to watch it, to meddle with it or simply following instuctions, it still baffles me slightly) what came out were three torn individuals (Still dunno what Tieria is) and i suppose that made them join the Celestial Beings.

Okay, origins of Celestial Beings? They were founded by a brilliant scientist and seem to have existed a few generations before our current boys were employed as Gundam Meisters. They are dedicated for change to occur. Any sort of change that would bring lesser war because though man became tired of fighting, there is something intoxicating about the scent of the battlefield thus they pick their guns up and fight once again.

The director came up with the idea of "Beating war by force". Meaning using Gundams to eradicate wars.

Okay, shameless plugging for a mo, but, this idea was first encountered by moi in Growlanser V (an excellent!! game!) when a cannon was held to the heads of two nations for them to stop fighting. It was pretty much the same with Gundam 00.

The Celestial Beings gave the governments an ultimatum: Stop War or we Will Stop it For You. Well, it is a basic lesson that by fighting fire with fire, someone is going to get burnt.

By forcing an ultimatum on the government would cause for the government to react like a cornered dog would. They lash out attempting to scar the one responsible for placing them in the situation to begin with. It isn't a pretty sight.

Relating it to here in M'sia, it's a lot like the Bersih rally and the weeks that followed. The uneasy truce, the increase in riots (because others saw results coming from the Bersih rally) and finally the government putting their hands down on the whole thing and they said, "Don't give them an ultimatum".

It's bad when you can't coerce a person into doing what you want them to but forcing them to do it will only spark resentment. Anyway, as expected, animosity peaked against the Celestial Being. They hungered change and sure enough, after attacks here and there, the rate of war induced crimes dropped 38% (if i'm not wrong).

They balanced between being called terrorists and saints. But a problem was that they attempted to appeal to public opinion. Their strategist, Sumeragi thought it was important that the public favored Celestial Beings. I can't help thinking that this is in the basis of the old form or rather the *ideal* form of power where it is the people who have the right to decide.

But, the pilots were, in a way, only human. As they fought, they struggled to find an answer to why the world was so extremely war-torn. They battled against themselves, asking themselves questions of the whys and often, they wondered what it was they were fighting for. Or fighting against because with each step forward, mankind finds a way to revert it and take a step back.

With every resolved fight in the north is another battle that emerged in the south and vice versa.

It was complicated and the pilots and the strategist made the biggest mistake of all: they began to doubt themselves. They won, yes but at what cost?

In the series, it was mentioned that the downfall of the Meisters and the strategist was that they were too human. They erred and mistakes were committed. They might be rash, too quick, too unstable, too emotional to carry the burden of humanity on their shoulders.

The world did not change, and in a final plea for a catalyst, three gundams were dispatched. They were to cause change OR ELSE. They destroyed military facilities, buildings, people and civillians for an ideal that a world with no war is finally at peace. It was the nirvana of peace that they seek but, alas, we know all is not to be.

The first Meisters were too soft. The second were too harsh.

A leak caused the military to build their own "gundam" suits with its usage of special GN(?) particles thus the clash of suits came.

Everything began to fall downhill from there for the Meisters as they attempted to grasp the last they could of hope. But 19:4 are unimaginable odds. The world, against a small faction, even if they had threatened them in the beginning was too much.

Can you guess what happened next?

They had stated one their purposes, which was to unite the world against a common enemy then to either die or whither away as little option would be given to them.

But they didn't sit around and wait to be slaughtered. They fought for their lives. Really, they didn't behave like soldiers. They were like civilians. People who fought with their hearts. Every bit a terrorist in the terrorist handbook.

I should talk about the boys now huh? Cause the story *is* centered around them.

First, you have the kid/runt. Well, that's Setsuna or his real name is something else. He's Kurdish, living in Japan. He was a child pulled into the games of war. They said "Sacrifice youself for God." thus they used religion against the boy, pressing into his beliefs until he took the gun and shot those whom he knew and loved then made his way into an army. Well, needless to say, i think they made an atheist out of him =P

One of his saviors on the battlefield was a Gundam. A comment made by another character concerning Setsuna's fighting style was that he believed himself to be invincible. It seemed like he worshipped the physical capabilities and protection given by Gundam Exia.

You know, something weird was that he fought so hard "for" God in his childhood years that God never answered on the battlefield. The war never went away though they tried so hard to fall in God's graces by battling with His name as their war cry. But it didn't work. He asked often, "Is there a God?" and in return said just as many times, "There is no God."

He one who fights with his heart. If at any moment he felt strongly for something, he just does it. Kudos to Setsuna!! =D

Next, is my personal favourite, Allelujah Haptism. Of all of them (aside from Tieria) his is the history that has barely any ties with the current world and its workings. His is the issue of child experimentation. The experiment caused his personality to split resulting in the violent half (Hallelujah) to counter the almost demure and soft spoken Allelujah.

He spoke to no one of his problems, often seperating himself from the others. I don't know why i favor him either, only that he falls into the anime cliche of the character that i like. Except that he tends to be a dunce on the battlefield (What kind of soldier doesn't know how to fight God damn it!!!!) but that's cause he doesn't use his full powers and stuff.

He's a character who's very much wrapped up in his past. Hal cared very much for Al though they share the same body or so the rumour mill seems to spin but, from what i saw, i'd say that it's relatively true. Because Al always speaks in a tone that seem to beg Hal's compulsion to kill sadistically rather than saying it with anger. Obviously there is no hatred on either side.

He was asking the reason why he fights as well, though his doesn't go deeply like Setsuna's. Neither did Tieria's for that matter.

Well, for the moment, Tieria is my least favourite character though not because he's a stick in the mud. Rather i respected him when others broke rules by being enflamed by passion but he stuck his ground by saying that they are not fit to be Meisters. Because, a soldier who doesn't follow orders is a liability on the battlefield.

He changed his tune soon enough. He's suppose to be inhuman or summat but he began to understand his comrades better.

But then, he did one thing that i could not forgive. There was a battle where it was 19:4. When the people were doubting themselves, doubting their sources of information and trust was incomplete save to each other. The gundams were linked to a system known as Veda but, the trust for that system had deteriorated. Save Tieria's. Due to his dependence on Veda because of his inhumanity, when their systems were to be seperated and running independently to continue the fight (Cause the Veda system also controls their power sources. No Veda system, no battery for the energizer bunny).

But he couldn't sever himself from Veda. He failed to react at that moment, being a large immobile target in the middle of the battlefield and he had nothing to protect himself. He just spaced out inside the cockpit. And when the enemy approached, it was Lockon who took the burnt of the hit. Lockon sacrificed himself for his comrade who was so stupid that he doesn't realize that he's in battle!!!!

I realize that i'm being a little unfair because Allelujah had fainted before and damn i feel like slapping him too cause he's such a softie who couldn't do what it takes to bring down the opponent but thank God Hal comes on time and massacres the opponent (at times).

Okay, i really hate it when soldiers don't understand their function on the battlefield. That's my thoughts when i play my games anyway. Don't you hate it when the characters you control don't listen to you? Well, the problem on the battlefield is, you don't know what will happen if you break rank and attempt to rally on your own.

So yea, i don't mind even if he mates with Lockon for the Lockon x Tieria pairing thingie (though i suspect this is an underlying reason why i hate him XD) but it was that one act of weakness in the battlefield, that caused him to be marked lower in my book. Although, a question did just surface just now... maybe it's because i expect him to move at all cost, to react at all cost, to be able to fight at all cost that when he couldn't... my respect for him dwindled. It's the same with real life isn't it?

And the last but not least, Lockon. He reminds me a little of Krious from Growlanser V. You know, he's the thread in the Meisters. I won't exactly say in Celestial Beings cause, those who work in the operating room seem closer to Allelujah than Lockon but, he's like the brother that's always there.

He seems to be at peace with the world, willing to listen and his empathy was so thorough that he understood those around him so easily. He was my favourite to watch on the battlefield (because Allelujah's an ass on the battlefield) in the way that he just supports the other Gundam Meisters so easily. He could complete his mission and still aid those who needed him. In terms of being a soldier, he was the best of them all.

Gundam Dynames is GORGEOUS!!! And nothing short of that. He's a sharpshooter and he's quick on the trigger as well. OMG!!

Ah, i think now i know why i mourn over his death.

It is the death of an amazing soldier. Of a kind-hearted man who saw so easily through his peers. He was an excellent subordinate that he would request for orders even in moments that he probably wished to follow his heart. He wasn't like the other pilots who would rush off recklessly on their own.

He was reckless, yes, but only in the last moment. In the very last moment did he follow his heart.

And somehow, i found him a more amazing man for doing so than any other character.

I think i enjoy Allelujah because he was a gentle soul but i like Lockon for his capabilities.

He was an amazing soldier till the end though.

Okay, anyone alive?

Heh... heh....

XP

Random

Yo. Well, this is surprise isn't it? And after i just had an entry a few days ago too... But anyways, i came here today for a simple question...

I wonder is it right that i feel guilty of my own existence...

Sometimes, i look at the world and i see other people in worst situations than me and i think, why me, not them? Or what did i do to deserve this comfortable physical state...

I mean, i know so many people who are nicer, friendlier, much more generous souls than i am and they'd be in the weirdest predicament ever. Mostly not of their own doing. It was because of others. And i'm here, in this nice house, with my lovely cats and getting birthday presents just because i'm fucking born. Isn't there something wrong with the picture?

Shouldn't i not be here because i don't *deserve* to be here?

I hate myself so much, i can die.

But i hate myself more because i cherish these comforts that i'm given and i do nothing for the unfortunate save making their lives worst.

I shouldn't be comfortable right? Because it isn't my place to be? Because it's unfair to others if i am... because, in truth, i'm a darker, more evil creature than they are...

It's just wrong.

Story for the moment

Yo'

I just changed the look a little. I realise that i'm seriously colour-blind... Or at least, the mix of garish colours (unless it is completely apalling) doesn't faze me much. Thus my current room has green walls, wooden furniture, red bedsheets, a sofa that is *completely* out of place and random blue objects strewn throughout. Weird sense of colour? Well, at least i don't wear overgrown (probably carnivorous too) purple flowers on my shirts.

I should tell chibi that i'm so sorry for not doing the piccies and our 'celebration' of Yama Pi's bday. Hahahahahahaha!! That was a bag of laughs. Nothing like a day out with your mates to cool you off. XD Hehe!! (And i promise that i'll upload the pics with a full account. No worries i remembered my thoughts throughout. So i shall giveth the story another day =P)

I should say that this isn't a good month for me. First it starts with me losing my external hard drive. Then it all went spiralling down from there =(

I'm heart broken if you can't tell. I found out that i mailed some of the stories to Ah Bune (Yayness!!) so, the blow isn't too crippling after that. But... haih... i had my archive in there >.< And i didn't burn the stuff anywhere else. Damn it.

I pray for sweet retribution to be paid when darkness engulfs the world. For i believe that justice on earth will not suffice.

Yeah. Don't mess with my stuff. EVER!

You kow why i blog. It's when insecurity seem such a formidable wall that its collapse is the promised doom for your spirit. I wonder if you rise after the challenge?

I think i have come to a semi-conclusion concerning my dysfunctional family and my thoughts. It's important for you to be happy. For you to try to be happy.

And to see the world entirely within the boxes that they live within too. Yeah, it was something that i used to do when i was younger but, becoming older and listening to the cries of my heart, i forget that others have similar pain too.

You have to try and smile, right? =D There, that's practice. Really effective when it comes to smses. You can never tell that the person on the other side is crying their eyes out.

It's easy to fabricate things in words. I particularly like to paint my world with light and poetry. Imagine woe to be the death of a thousand suns only the emotion be not from humanity but the pain from the greens of the world as it gradually wilts to brown. The knowledge of death and doom yet such a graceful retreat for something once so alive.

Human's are brash. They're rough around the edges. None would die with such grace.

Ah, seems i have digressed again. I realise i am not easily focused. I just want to *feel* for a moment then i'd fleet away.

I realise i sound so drama huh? I'm not, really, in real life i'm the most upright thing you'd have ever met. Yea i flail and squeal sometimes but everyone has their weak moments =D

I think that my memory is fading because, partially i don't want to remember. It isn't necessary so why bother, right? It's really a problem cause i'd think about something only to forget it a second later. Much like a goldfish? I think the goldfish has better memory than me.

I missed Mythbusters when they covered the goldfish thing so i wouldn't know.

Or i can but i'm lazy?

I can't believe i can be busy and lazy at the same time. My days sometimes would be so packed but i'd still miss some stuff out and it's basically due to laziness. >.< I suck!

By the way, my results this time isn't anything to be too happy about. As a matter of fact, i should be upset and prepare myself for a due hanging. But, of course i'm too cowardly to do that. So, i'll just slog through this. I don't know if i can keep my Scholarship. I'm contemplating quitting Uni...

Silly i know. How am i going to fend for myself without a degree?

And to be labelled a drop-out... (*gasp!!*)

But, i'm suddenly wondering what all this is for.. I started this sem calm enough, watching all the happy newbies bustling back and forth all excited for finally getting this far. All ready to take the next step.

I realize how i've taken the next step... Standing upon the ascending stairwell to... destiny? And... there isn't anything in front of me. A few assignments maybe, a little light of flame here and there, trying my best to do well but... i really don't know where i'm going.

At least it isn't as crippling as the time i was lost in IT. That was a tad bit poisonous for the soul. I'm complacent here, used to my reputation as a writer in the past.

I forget that i have to rebuild myself with each new step. That the next step comes from me approaching my goal.

I forget that i'm a writer. That i can do it if i just try beyond trying. Just don't hold back. Just don't hold back...

I'm so used to leading myself by my own hand, that when i'm here, higher than when i began, both of me is stumped. We just stare at the vast space before us and see nothing. Not despair, not pain, not joy, not faith. Nothing.

There's a touch of eerie calmness to its paint but perhaps that is what disarms us. We are caught unawares.

Move, god damn it!

I'm not afraid. Just too content to move.

Read at your own risk: Elections

Hey... Um... Yea, i know it's been awhile since i graced these fine pages with beautiful ink of imprinted black.

But... i guess today i have something to say. It's something that perhaps to some, seems unreasonable or just darn stupid. Paranoia?

I might be crossposting this to other blogs as well, because, i guess it's part propaganda, part opinion and another part extremely educational for those who stay here. Well, it did educate me to a certain extent anyways.
I
t's concerning the elections. Yes, collective gasp everyone. Since when is alin interested enough in politics to *blog* about it. But, something has got me terribly spooked. Truth be told, it was last week i think when all of a sudden posters depicting various logos- most of which i know nothing of to decipher any coherent meaning from- started decorating the walkways, roads, every available breathing space there was.

It was really saying, elections are here.

It scared me because, i suppose it was and is one of my first memories of blatant propaganda. The years before i was too young. I can only recollect images of people lining up from various out of reach places flashing across the tv screen. I guess this time, when i'm an *Adult* it makes a difference.

I remember learning in history class that media is in no way meant to push the people towards a particular party. They are to remain neutral as not to swing anything in any direction. It's either my teacher was lying, i was too ignorant to see the humour or we decided to take a book out of america's free will and manipulation guide for success.

Whatever it was, ads appeared in the television as well as the newspapers. I didn't find this particularly alarming but, because i had faith in my teacher, i knew something had changed. This is the first year i think i believe the opposition has a chance to win though to say that i'm afraid of that, it still somehow misses the mark. I'm worried about the consequences.

The people are changing. It's a good thing right? We thoroughly believe in a system majoring in democracy, or at least a majority that is educated and young enough to take a risk is saying that the old need to be abolished. The new is all that matters. Times are changing. Let us prepare ourselves for the future because the old cannot be depended on to guide us through.

In the end, it is to either carry a corrupt governement, whom we know is corrupt into the future of this nation or hand Our Country to those who are young. Who carry the same dreams as we do. Who believe that this country can be brought further under the guidance of another hand. Enough of the old, they say. Let those who are pure strive to guide us through the right path. Ne?

Haha!! I want to believe the same thing. That we're all good guys in the end. But another thing has got me thinking as well. Darn thoughts that stem from the conversation of others.

A government will always be corrupt right. So i guess that doesn't matter that much (trust me, i do not think i can handle the major burden of voting anytime soon. Thank god i missed this ship) but what about this need for change?

How can we preserve the practice of the old yet change? Sometimes i wonder what's so bad. Everyone says we're an apartheid society and that there's unfairness everywhere. You can see the shadows of the suppressed as they curse our existence. Yes, i'm one of those who is ignorant enough to ask such a question. I'm one of the privileged here.

But, my mother was telling me about the riot of 69. I guess once writing it here, i can come up with no concrete proof. I apologize. It is also a biased view of things, therefore, do not expect fair criticism from me because my eyes are already tinted. Whatever i say can be held against me through every aspect.

She said, it was after an election such as this where the opposition had won. I think it was a Chinese majority. The Malays were outraged. My mum said it might be silly of them as well because the Chinese party could have only won with *their* votes. She commented that they thought they were intelligent when they did it not understanding the consequences. That was the basis of the riot. Though much good that did. All it did was kill.

She mentioned the worries of these Malays. She said, usually, if a company is of Chinese ownership, chances are, a criteria for acceptence would be your race to be Chinese. I'm unsure if i've mentioned this before. I might have but i assure it is only out of the incoherence of thought. It is concerning a University Malaya incident where the Dean had been a Chinese. Chinese lecturers eventually found themselves spots in the University. The acceptence rate for the Malays dropped because, the quota had shifted.

I'm not mentioning this as a bad thing, i have to say. I am pointing out an observation. I know there are those out there who would say, "They deserved this. Look at what they've done to us and when we turn the tables, we get blog entries such as this."

I'm not surprised actually. Are you if they say that?

I did ask my mum if it was the same anywhere else in the world. My mum answered that chances are not because not many countries are multi-racial and not at gun point with each other. I wanted to say we aren't racist and we don't hate each other, but that might just be my friends and i. Everyone else seems to have something bad to say about the others that it pains my ear to hear.

The reaction of the Chinese Dean which was to immediately preserve his race i can't say is wrong. He's just trying to help his people, can you fault that? It is just the same with the Malay Dean. Only people have more complaints about the Malay man because we have the law and thingamajigs on our side. We're wrong because of that.

I think that's the mentality here or at least, that would be the political mentality. If you're not Malay or bumiputera, you're suppressed. You grow up believing that, viewing everything with those eyes. Have you ever wondered what you see?

But, then again, i grew up with the eyes of 'the fortunate'. I can't see this hatred and suppression that you see. I'm sorry...

What i do believe, is that we need leaders who are not prone to selecting one race over the other. I know of the quota system and understand its faults. A large portion of the cake, they say goes to the bumiputera however, though this is the condition, the Chinese and Indians are still allowed on the cake too. Mean much, my words?

Hence, the fortunate eyes.

What if only one race is allowed to dominate the cake. Wouldn't that be worst?

The best is if everyone can attack the cake together. That will be the perfect system.

But what if someone is too weak to attack the cake. It's wrong isn't it to hand them crutches so that they can run.

Equality sometimes isn't displayed by numbers. It's a qualitative count that exists in the most menial of ways.

Everything in life is a double-edged sword. Sometimes, you need to win together to make things work. The fact that the government isn't helping people who are capable of making it angers others. Point, that's biased, you're gonna say. I agree. But, i'm for winning together.

At the cost of the happiness of others? How selfish.

Am i? How rich and fortunate are you suppose to be to be happy?

Honestly? I don't know how to be fair in this. Mostly because i don't know enough. I know not enough demographics to make a complete comparison neither am i clear on the delegation of economy in the country.

All i know is, we need the Goreng Pisang seller, and the Garbage collector. We need the waiter, the college counselor and the local writer. We need comic artists, the translators, the guy we can admire in the local cafe. We need everyone in society to hold up the bargain that is the ideology of nationalism.

It's retarded, it's stupid and hurts because, each word they say pack a punch of lies. We're angered because they're trying to make us believe things that aren't true.

I get angry too but i know why they do it.

It just hurts because they enjoy doing it as well. Or to me it seems so.

I'm not particularly worried about my children not getting scholarships as my mum puts it. I guess that means they just have to work extra hard to get their places. Placing the Malays in the minority might teach us a lesson to be the suppressed.

I won't say that i'm looking forward to it but, if it comes without bloodshed, i'd take it anyday.

The good thing about the Chinese people is that, when they're down, they get right back up. They push themselves. I know scholarships are often pushed to Bumiputeras (you have to know the rightplaces for these statistics. Sadly, i don't. I'm ignorant, remember?) but, they build themselves right up. I've heard of a few scholarships, mainly the newspapers that are there to support them.

In the future, if it comes to the Malaysia that is owned by the Chinese (I'm sorry other ethnic groups. You aren't in the discussion yet cause this is the situation now >.<) they do change *us* for the better. And if other places falls to any other party, whoever it is, whatever you stand for, in the end perhaps you should work for the better of *all*. It might be too much to ask based on the concept of 'what works for you not necessarily works for me' but by trying, we make lesser mistakes than when we don't, right?

I pray there be no riot of '69 over again because we've all learned history. The biggest war of our age, the Iraq war, only started a few years ago. We can't destroy one another! That's just silly.

But either way, i can feel the fear in the air.

Please do take care of youself.

Okay. Phew, that's a lot of words, eh? =P

Let's hope tomorrow is brighter than today =D

Alin

I just placed that in Lj, and i realized the entry is full of holes. I know how to attack me if anything comes and there'd be no way for me to defend any neutrality i might posses. This is why i fear speaking up sometimes because we're easily labelled and such but, bite the bullet my man.

I realize how irrational some of the thoughts are. If i was fair, i'd cross-check the threat the Malays posses from every ethnic group and vice versa. That's the only remedy to the holes. Because to say that you only have one worry in a situation is far from the truth but, i can't help it. I'm not too well versed in statistics.

The entry, if i was to analyze it, would be more of expressing worry for the coming storm while the second is expressing worry through my eyes. I'm sorry for not being academic in these entries and providing a neutral ground for argument. I just needed a place to vent my fears.

I pray this harms you not...