The problem with social experiments

So, remember how in the previous post i mentioned about gambling? Just learned to play Texas Hold 'Em during the weekend and realise the poker game reflected quite accurately the exchange between moi and Mr. Boy. Only when i did not fold after he raised his stakes, i did not realise i lost the game.

I think imma gonna be kind to me about this whole situation. I've never let heartache resonate quite fully within me, instead drawing false borders and creating fantasies to ensure my sanity is kept intact. It's a little like how i keep on telling myself that i'm destined to be alone, hence why every person i've met have been assholes so far. But I don't feel to do the same this time around.

I think i'm going to let myself experience the heartache and just live it through.

The worst is when i have no confirmation for the reason of his actions thus i speculate. My conclusions have been narrowed to three scenarios.

#1 - Fear biteses his dust
Okay, considering i went completely bat shit insane on him for his assumptions concerning my character, i won't be surprised if he was scared. He probably thought i was some bi-polar freakazoid and just did not want the awkwardness of spending perhaps two hours in my presence. Our conversations have been stunted the past few days too, what with me being way too trapped in my head.
Conclusion: He was afraid, but he does not want to break the friendship. So he pushed the situation the only way he knew how.
Status of relationship: Friendship

#2 - Ego Is He
He probably expected a massive farewell and having something by two is not really what he wanted. So he wanted more to come. Me acting all batshit insane didn't help matters. So he created the massive farewell he wanted by himself. Good boy! Too bad i was too big an asshole to allow it through.
Conclusion: He was still afraid, but now he's an egoistic bastard. Completely used me like the turd he is thus i deem him an asshole.
Status of relationship: Putus hubungan

#3 - I really don't want to break your heart
Okay, so my assumption here is that we have this *connection*. Connection, by all meaning of the word is probably just two people being connected. I mean like via wires, lines, friendships and etc. I didn't really approach him to court him whatsoever, in my defense. But okay, on to the hypothetical scenario. He probably isn't interested in me that way hence why he tried to get others on board. He just didn't want to mislead me, which makes his actions quite nice actually because i can appreciate the fact that he tried to let me down gently.
Conclusion: Nice dude. Though i'll end with a broken heart. Like a completely rejected heart because i finally acknowledge i'm not good enough. Need to be better then. Need to be awesomer so that i can make up for my faults.
Status of relationship: Good friends

#4 - Woe it be, the misunderstanding
He thought i was going to bamboozle him. Thus, that explains his suspicions. It does indicate that he might be interested. However, to suggest something like that means you don't really know me very well although i do understand in the pursuit of a relationship, things like these can be worked on. But then, he would have not invited the others if he still wanted to spend some one on one time. So, although this theory indicates interest, his following actions suggests either of the upper two to be better justifications. The only difference is, this theory suggests he might still be mildly interested.
Conclusion: Sweet to think about and to fantasize on, but wholly unrealistic.
Status of relationship: estranged friendship. because of the element the crush brings.

Okay, of the theories above, only one suggests he might be interested. The rest don't. Even then, it's a 1% chance that he's interested. So, i'm waiting for it to sink into my brain that he's just not interested.

Look girl, we can't pull a JW on this. We can't keep on going to him and inventing stories just to make him seem interested. We're FRIENDS and that's something you've got to deal with.

Like the situation with the first He in the He Chronicles, you kinda have to make sure he gets a girl so that you'd get a definite answer. Otherwise, you're grappling with theories and maybes and what ifs. You have a week to sort out your thoughts and transform your relationship into complete friendship. Want me to create a perfect boy for you so you'd be able to get over it faster? But i don't fall deeply in love with my dreams.

I think it's just acceptance. You're kinda scared to accept cause you don't want to get hurt. But come on, try. Stop creating excuses on his behalf. He probably just likes flirting with you. You can flirt with him right back but you've got to remember it's just friendship. I think you're having problems discerning cause your brain's seeing the possible future. Stop it. Just stop the possible future bit cause you don't have anything together.

Good friends and someone he occasionally uses to ensure he has a social life, that's you.

Be strong kid and we'll talk more when you're ready to accept it.

God tells me don't gamble - it isn't our way.

Okay, this new blogger thing seems bizarre. But whatevs. Got some stuff to dish out and i really shouldn't complain about petty things like these.

I think my compartments are slowly unraveling. A valid fear is that one day i will awaken to find the world in a jumble of mess. Good news is maybe i can sort it out through redefined eyes. I am functioning with a set that i have obtained since the age of twelve that now, at its anniversary, i should reconsider my perspectives.

Certain things like boys, family and a career cannot be defined as it was. Things change, though perhaps there is that bit of me that should accept for the change to come from without rather than within.

I am so used to being the agent of my own change. To form and reshape and be the catalyst of my own path Maybe a part of growing up is to return to the roots of our existence and keep the faith instead of being so damned controlling about everything in life. Gotta let go sometime y'know?

God, this is probably hard. Especially to a control freak as much as I am.

Loneliness
It isn't something that can be controlled. It is an emotion. A friend, to me. Others bat it away, wave their fists and swing knives in their direction but really, loneliness has done nothing more than sit by my side. I can't fault them for their existence. I cannot fault them for their presence. I will not fault them if they are my mate in life.

Really, i understand there is a possibility my road will end up barren and alone. Others prepare for the oncoming siege. I simply seem to be moving in the path that accepts the outcome.

Forcing others to conform to my world just to combat this friend isn't something i wish to condone. Let people go just as it is possible to let loneliness go. Strange when my hand grasps my own i feel lesser alone. Maybe that's how it should be.

So why do i seem to be chasing after this boy?

Many reasons. One of which is testing the possibility. I have never played the game, thus i cast the dice for once to see if i will roll favourable fates.

I am fortunate this is not meant to be. God tells me don't gamble. It isn't our way.

I guess this is where that road ends and i will be accepting of it. I must not be afraid of loneliness that comes in the absence of a person. I must not be afraid of loneliness that comes in the stifle of silence.

I was given words and a world to be painted. But i must redraw my wings and allow me to fly.

I hope things work out well. Not with the boy anyways. A part of me just hope it bowls over so nothing will happen. But the foolishness of hope also has its treacherous twin that wishes to see how deep this rabbit hole can go.

Well, when he let's go you let go too kid. Reaction time - but be governed by rationality.

I think there is a part of me that thinks if not him, then no other. But another whispers to just let it be. He must not be on the receiving end of your obsession.

Hope with guidance, all will be alright.

Gonna turn in for the night. Will plan a story for next week's luv submission. Hopefully it is something to occupy my time with and all will be smooth =)

About The Stars in the Sky

I think this is a post about responsibility. About understanding my place.

My current work space leaves me adapt at allowing the flow to sweep my behind wherever they please. The other writers resist. They fight. But my existence has always been too ephemeral to be tangible. Like my strands are nothingness and slips and slides through the wind.

I do not fight.

I am attempting not to clear my closet, allowing different distractions to lure me away from intention. Convincing myself that this is enough - when it really isn't. When it really shouldn't be. I run every risk of losing myself in this flow and it isn't pleasant.

Sometimes I believe in protecting the generation of tomorrow. I believe that that is the destiny i seek. Because i know i am strong enough to take it. Then what is this path i thread on? Fucking road map, leave me in ditches and all.

Trying to obtain a sense of life that *is* when i have nothing to reassure me.

The road can be easy. It can be damn bloody easy that i'd walk forward and this is the road i thread for the next few years. This can be my destiny.

Save should at the age of 24 i decide the rest of my life to be the same? Is this not unfair to my future fates who might desire more? Should i not build building blocks for tomorrow and continue to strive and achieve?

But this working environment is different. Our strengths will not be tested unless we wish it to be.

Alright kiddo, honest hour - do you want to try for more?

Truth be told, i can hardly care less for this line. This isn't where my soul wants to be - though i can see if ever i wish to open a publishing house, such knowledge might prove to be fruitful.

I have to decide if this line will contribute to my future. If i am going anywhere that i want to go - because at this point, i am losing sight of who i am.

It gets worrying when i start acquiring distractions to keep me properly distracted. I know whenever i throw a guy in the mix, that's when my brain is throwing a spanner at the works.

I need to keep focused. But i don't know how.

I need to hold on tight and not change and understand that this road can lead somewhere. With prayers and guidance and light. I need to get to that place.

At the age of 24 i'd love to say i know where i'm going. That i'm building a life... But it looks like this road's a lot more complicated than it seems.

I should do Math

I can't silence the voices in my head.

They haven't done anything dangerous (although the compulsion to take a knife and drawing it across my neck is kinda freaky if my head wasn't in such a goofy mood that it almost seemed funny).

It's just a bunch of yattermouths that refuse to quiet down. Maybe i should write something... a story or something...

I'm guessing this is coming from a sense of restlessness that can't be quelled. The erratic nature of my mind does worry me quite a bit but it isn't like the voices manifested into a compulsion to destroy... Although it has once before.

I need an outlet.

Maybe i should do math.

c x redux part II

There was once a time i use to function with a mantra consisting of four words: Hate. Fear. Anger. Misery.

Hate yourself, because you are the darkness of your soul. Anger: the only outlet i possessed. Fear -because i will forever be capable of hurting those around me. Misery: because loneliness is thy fate.

I suppose looking back, one would realize: "Boy, you've really got some issues". Such negativity and teenage angst; awfully reflective of the drama queen I can be. However, as much as most would think this stuck a permanent label of 'freako emo' on me, i grew up quite fine -no, don't ask me to define 'fine'. Hatred strangely enough, brought me closer to love and the appreciation for those around me.

But things change. I changed.

Growing past that phase has its downsides. One is me becoming a downright selfish bitch who cares little to nothing for the consequences of my actions on those around me. At least angst!me would not be so callous.

After i learned that it's 'okay' to not hate myself so much, i began accepting myself for who i am. Accepting me means knowing my limits, my boundaries. In completely technical aspects, i was able to identify my weaknesses and allow for a semblance of growth in living skills. But emotionally, i was becoming too pampered. Self-hatred keeps a meticulous account of check and balance of my actions. I would forever think twice before executing a single act; perpetually running possible scenarios in my head to ensure an outcome that satisfies both me and society.

I don't do things on a whim.

These days, i can easily say my accounts have gone out of whack. The steps of check-and-balance skips a few steps, stopping at 'if i'm okay with it' and neglecting everything else. My mind reasoned by stating that others wouldn't care anyways. In todays' society, the problems that would affect others are large-worldly types such as the quest for democracy and justice. I think me coming a little late to some party wouldn't matter.

Even if a part of me protests that it does matter, the majority of my mind says it does not affect the fabric of this world. I have become callous with my relations and really, to those who have been hurt, i can only profusely apologize. But any attempts i make at resolutions of 'never again' are like chastity vows taken by the female protagonist in any teen movie - it just never works.

It's a serious flaw i am trying o overcome. Coming late for parties, not replying e-mails only serves to show my priorities in life and how much I don't care.

I can say my priorities has shifted. Once, I would have placed others before me. Once, I would have hated myself enough to realize the company of another is God-sent. I have become different. This self-absorbed bitch is not all too nice to deal with.

In light of finding my way in this life, trying to carve an immortal mark for myself, and just understanding why the hell i just feel so god damned lost have me becoming so absorbed in my own thoughts. So lost until the world that surrounds me becomes blurry at its best definition.

I'm trying to find a reason for my growing apathy because hopefully by identifying what this darkness is blossoming in my chest, i might be able to recover from this spell.

For the moment, i am biding my time using the patience of my friends to identify this 'thing' that i'm going through. It will run out soon, i'm sure it will.

The question is probably which first? The goodwill of those around me or my problem?

ultear

I am afraid to reach my dreams. Am i the only one? How many have refused to thread the path to their ambitions if it means sacrificing the farce of life? Thinking in 'ifs' and 'maybes' that in reflection warrants longing rather than pride? Because we know that if we walk this road, it seems like there is no turning back. Like if this door slams in my face, i will never ever be able to look me in the eye and say 'it's okay'. "We'll get through this". "The next will be better".

The question is, "do I dare?"

Too late. I don't.

I do not believe in dreams anymore. Somewhere along the way, I have cast them as pointless.

Yet a part of me cries, who am i save for my dreams? What are these disenchanted voices in my head that sings different songs? Am I not one?

My soul knows I have wavered. I have lost.my.way. And i do not WANT to go back. Because i know to go back is to grasp my dream. It is to strain for my dream. Starve and suffer and die along a road that i do not know i am able to complete.

Have i the strength? Is this where my youth feels it has failed? Because i am not able to walk this road. I am not able to strive and scream for pure passion. My sword has dulled in its edge.

I am not who I was and I am afraid, the coward that I am.

God help me. God help me. God, help me.

Help me feel because this numbness cripples me. It is so complacent i feel no need for growth.

Please save me before i have nothing but a heart of stone.

untitled

Sometimes I worry I injure others more than I intend. My friendships often consist of two strangers forming ties that till the end of the day, I may know nothing of you. Of me. Of us. We are two who will hurt. I worry we will be a broken people.

I have done society a great injustice by taking a side. By choosing my opinion over the rationality of moderation. There is that middle path should i seek it. Yet the views seem to represent a child who i can barely taste in the passing wind.

I have done the world a great injustice by believing in me. I forget, how i forget the voices in my head.

I hope they return soon.

I can do this

I think it isn't easy to walk forward without looking back. Somehow you'll always end up sneaking that glance backward. A glance enough to wrench one from the present into a world that was. I have taken steps forward, that I believe is true, yet I must admit i find no solace in the fixtures around me. Reality seems so dissociated from the present that my presence flickers.

Sometimes i believe i exist for days at an end without really being here... The human mind is a wondrous thing.

I have become adept to silencing my words. For i know if they are to be uttered, my mother will comment on the sarcasm. Sarcasm is not the greatest tool in my arsenal, mother. Knowledge is. Thus, I had corrected her.

The people here think I am arrogant. So completely obnoxious but I must remain conscious to my own actions. Perhaps it is true that I am quite pompous with my claims, only because I wish to remain the center of focus. It becomes unfair if I am unable to play the push and pull tug of war that i have become so adept at.

2012

I'm really going to have to do something about this arrogant streak. I'm going to bring myself down to earth and i'm going to have to do it fast. Otherwise i'm going to lose all of my friends and that will not be pretty.

Maybe I will have to think about what is important. I know this job is important. I know if i think about the cause it is important. But, is it worth being such a jerk towards my friends for? I think working in a small company, we get a really small demographic of people who surround each other every day and who know what the other is thinking. In a way, i forgot how it was like not to care - which was one of the reasons why i didn't want to care about this cause to begin with - because the propaganda i produce will be twice as effective. Now i'm too close. And it's getting quite difficult to get further away.

I think there are certain facts that we can't change. Our goal is to criminalize war. People are saying things like "Maybe there are factors that's involved. There are people whose lives depend on this warfare." but, i suppose in my thoughts, it isn't worth a life. I think i need to create a character and try to understand things from her perspective. I need a... i dunno, let's call her Jenna.

We'll put Jenna around my age now. She grew up in Ipoh, Perak (cause i want to give her a place with good food). She glances the newspaper but doesn't focus that much on world news. Her friends often call her out and she's blessed with parents who understand the need for freedom, thus they do allow her that amount of independence. She's nice, polite and growing up in Malaysia, understand the need for religious tolerance and understanding. She had unwittingly absorbed some teachings from almost every religion but has decided to live depending on the barometer of conscience.

When she gets up in the morning, the first thing she will think of is food. Then, she will normally review her activities for the day (in the shower or something). The posters of UNICEF and such that display children are commonly ignored by her. She does not know if she is ready to help. She does not feel herself capable.

I don't believe people outrightly refuse ideas or activities if they do not receive an outright gain. I believe in that 'good' in people that if you know that there are people dying in other places for absolutely no reason, we would feel like helping.

In other words, places and the injustices done to the people over seas will have to be brought home. But, i think a part of me, the *me* part of me feels quite broken that we might be introducing these issues to them. I suppose in a sense, i should be thankful for their apathy, because then, they will not care.

Then, at least they are happy. It is upsetting because for something to be done, it unfortunately involves everyone. Me saying there are people dying for no reason, should not be the only voice. I think it's like how one of the activist i met put it, "What do you care about?" and, do you understand that what this is, will come for you at the end of the day. In a way, if we ARE the remaining independent power, then too bad, we'll be fried last lah. But i suppose i should not impose my fears on them.

It is difficult because we are pointing our metaphorical guns at the very hearts of those who are responsible for making the world go round. I become afraid for those whom i love, for my family, for my friends...

But they don't need to know my fears. They just... I probably just need them to support me regardless of what i do. I suppose if I cannot have their passion, i might just have to settle for their faith. For them to trust me regardless of anything...

The problem with hiding so much information is like carrying this massive secret that's always tempting to be thrown. I must be able to swallow it, to not speak of it all the time. Maybe i should do what i usually do with information of this kind... don't tell those I care about. Because i need, need, need them to keep smiling.

I need to stop feeling so smart all the time just because I know something they don't and it's something that *gasp* will change their view of the WORLD!! Or not. But anyway, i have to gather strength to protect them, in a sense.

I just need to think about other things. Like birds, or cockroaches or anything. I should be happy listening to their stories instead of thinking "well, we might be dying by 2012 anyway...."

Me

I am afraid.

I am afraid that this is all I will ever be. This being the very reflection of them. It is how much I can take it all in, how strong I am in my outward appearance.

I am more than this, I have to remember that. I am more than academics, politics and administrator. I am an artist, I am a writer.

I am an artist. My soul IS art.

And I have to be beyond politics, beyond hidden agendas and snakes in the grass. Regardless of what happens, I have to remember my soul. And it isn't politics and hidden agendas. I wish to be a straight road and be stronger because of it.

The past few days were difficult. I was descending into understanding and I understand by immersing myself in the essence of knowledge. It consumed me though it really should be I who wielded the control. It became every waking moment I had and echoed in my dreams. I felt like that is all I am, the knowledge that took me by force.

I will have to find pockets of air to breathe or open one of my own. I worry if I switch the world off, there will be somethings I will miss. This might be a valid worry but... if I care enough, this wouldn't happen.

It will be like arguing anime where I will remain forever inspired. I must not forget the world that surrounds me because as large as the portrait I wish to paint, it is often the tiny details that touches my heart.

Fear

Sometimes i really believe i've brought all these maladies upon my own head. My desperation, my youth, my need to be someone important is worthy of being exploited. It makes me vulnerable.

I will have to be aware of my movements from now onwards because i am no longer a queen piece on the chessboard. I am nothing but a pawn and that leaves me susceptible to outside influences. Others will find it easy to manipulate me and retrieve something from me.

I will have to be careful lest i give something that can never be returned.

I am afraid. Because there is no one to guide me. There are no allies. I do not know where a kind hand is there for sincerity or have they another need of me. I am afraid because this "game" is real. It isn't the little push-and-prod manipulations i played in high school or uni. This is real because failure means i will lose my job. Then again, i will have to remember, this career is not everything i am. I am more than this as i am more than a writer, more than a cat owner, more than ME.

I will have to be strong and face this raging wind.

I am stronger than this.

Egotism

I think people change every minute of their daily lives. The person that i was a millisecond before is definitely not the same creature i inhibit now.

My desires change, my emotions, my understanding... who i am in terms of reaction become so completely different. Yesterday, I would have ranted and raved about my boss and how the world conspires against me. But i suppose, I should be better than this.

What difference am I from him and those like him if i let the anger consume? I remember once, i could have swallowed fire. I would have ingested it into a smaller flame. Where has that patience gone?

Where has my understanding and human compassion gone?

I have written on my wall, 'what is understanding but caressing the soul with your fingertips?'

It burns.

It does burn and just like him who do not want to feel my pain, i refuse to acknowledge his.

Do i worry i burn and find no outlet for my pain? I have learned to fear the fire... Sorry, too many burns. I do not wish to receive any more.

But, every day we live it cannot be denied that we are inherently morally judged. Everything i do is a testimony of me and those around me.

I cannot be afraid of that fire.

I use to revel in pain but there are pockets in my conscious where i only wish to feel the joy and all the happiness and the egoism i can pertain and after, i feel really filthy for wanting to boost my arrogance. Mostly because i should not, and there are those who are moral conducts who say i should not. I will not deny that most of my actions are to keep people happy. It's to keep me happy too, hopefully.

Maybe if i limit the times my egotism may take charge... But then, i worry others will comment on the inconsistency... But maybe that is the risk that i have to take, probably as the girl who hates-then does not hate-then hates her boss/writings/work/world.

People change every second of the day, and I do hope we are able to understand and remember that...

Awesome! A post without a 'He'!!

Or on the other hand, nah. The bane of my soul today ladies and gentleman is still male by virtue of nature.

I wonder, how do you respect someone who does not respect you? On the other hand, what constitutes as respect? The fact that i work in an environment that treasures the hierarchy in comparison to bureaucracy means that i should worship those who are above me. Yet, I dare not.

I will bow to experience, kindness. I am bashful in the company of intelligence and brilliance. A sheer title does nothing but whisper vapour in my ears.

Perhaps this is where my upbringing and every juncture in life has failed me. I was not raised to worship those who stand above me. Rather, I see all of us as equal. Or perhaps, i am too pedestrian to mingle with such high society.

A friend of mine told me that I am not worthy of respect because i am a newcomer. I have to earn it. Then, i suppose, me being me who loves equality answer with, then he should earn it too. And i have already found his faults.

Yet, i can little rectify his wrongdoings. The only figure I am able to change, is myself and that means no more mistakes. No more wrong labels, wrong dates, wrong messages or any such communication. No doing anything wrong. Because i cannot be like him at all. I cannot slip up and I must remember to respect all those around me at all times. I will have to be attentive and focus on every task with a clarity of mind and complete each task with the determination to succeed.

I kinda know why I keep screwing up. I want to get jobs over with. They are menial small tasks that the big guns are not able to complete because they do not possess a scalpel. But perhaps i shall not act like a one trick pony. I will have to show versatility and exceed their expectations with small tasks and destroy any preconceptions they might possess.

I. must. improve. regardless of anything.

I think i cannot look at the horizon and curse at my pace reaching there. I cannot jump past steps because the road looks easy to thread.

Secure your ground. Walk carefully. Look left, look right. Not for company but for the view.

I must not make anymore mistakes because it is unacceptable to my character and i will exceed all expectations regardless of anything. I will forgo my sense of pride. They are used to others bowing before them, my head will just be another decoration.

I am stronger than this and in control of every emotion, movement, virtue and principles that i have.

I will not let him tear me down. I will not cower nor hate.

He Chronicles strikes back

Okie, time to be honest. Like brutally, absolutely and resolutely honest. It's got to be a resolution. I'd break otherwise.

Why did i take this job? Why did i bloody well take this job? Why *do* i do what i do? Is there something out there that's puppeteering my movements? No.

Fact is, no.

There is only one reason i took the job. One reason that i am so abashed by and i so completely scorn myself for because i dare degrade myself to such a degree that i would do this when i laugh at those who do... Have you guessed it? The reason? It's a boy.

I did it for a fucking boy. I did it to be closer to him. No, not in the mushy way that *you* my dear friend might be thinking. But to understand him better. (I'm really changing my blog name to the 'He' Chronicles now. It's the only thing i talk about). I think... I want to work for a cause that's close to his heart, so that he can see change done and have hope for the future. So that... he might be proud of me... Even though he doesn't know me. It might make me a presence in his world no? Albeit a shadow.

Strange huh?

I don't know if i'm pining for him. I'd like to think i'm not. But i worry this is the reason for my stagnant growth; i seem to be measuring myself against his standards and in an unconscious way, he is controlling my options, my reasons. I think loving someone who doesn't love you back is like a cage. You will never please them, nor yourself.

I can't say i don't know how to change. The answer is easy: just move on. And i will try though i cannot say i will muster all my strength and accomplish what at this moment seems close to impossible. I've deactivated facebook for now, so i don't know what he's doing when. He will be leaving and i think i should be happy of the absence of news. Maybe in a years' time, i will start another facebook account with a different name. Hopefully he is not the first thing to come through my mind when i go online, go to work, pass his neighbourhood. It's like grappling with a shadow and it's frustrating that i'm not winning.

I think there are other advantages to deactivating facebook... at least i wouldn't be thinking about how to sound cool most of the time. I rarely update because i didn't want to craft my statuses. I wanted it to be as natural as possible. But that would leave it up for scrutiny from Him, his party and everyone else whom i permitted to view on facebook. Considering i am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal, that means everyone is able to judge what i do.

I don't think i can easily take that kind of criticism. Heck, even when someone say my clothes are mismatched i get defensive and they want to attack my words? I'd be toast.

I think i should take this time to reflect what is important to me.

Even though i took this and the previous jobs for him, they turned out well. Sometimes i pray this is a ploy from God to maneuver me in the right place for the right moment to occur.

But, most importantly, what is it that i want to do? I remember once i said 'make change'. Change to fight for the freedom from conformity. Change that allows people to remain true to themselves. I'm not thinking about society and their political beliefs like whether being gay is okay or not or anything like that. I want to preach understanding. I want to point out that different side, different view, different lives from what we lead. And yet, they seem so similar to who we are. Because that's how we appreciate things and people... by connecting them to us. Everything i'm doing now is still being screened through the 'His reaction' screen but... i think if i can stay off facebook any maybe away from him, things should be alright.

I really don't know why he haunts my thoughts. Even my first crush does not seem to have a powerful hold on me. Although i think i did pine 3 months from being apart then. However, the feelings dissipated with time.

I think with this boy, as long as possibilities exist, i will consider him an option. We have a connection. But, a connection that i believe aids me better than it does him or otherwise i think. Him and his girl are perfect for each other and i can see them well into their married days. Maybe that's why i don't want to go on facebook; because i will always see their smiles.

I think it's time for me to stop thinking about the boy and start thinking about my future. What can i be?

ne... ja na

Honestly, i never thought this day would come. This day where absence feels stronger and closer to my heart. It makes sense you know. Makes sense to...

disappear

And be nothingness before all. Perhaps i am ready to leave. Perhaps this is the last of my roads. This ends here. And i have to let go. Really, no other is holding on save me. I posted Glen Hansard's song on fb mostly because it captured what i was feeling. But i didn't want others to understand the meaning of the song, so i didn't link it up.

Penang is far away and i am ready to move. There will be nothing there for me. Just embers of hopes and dreams. Here seems so... empty. There is nothing here for me too.

So shall i look for a new world where i can thread on air? Where the scent in the sky is one that truly is at one with who i am. I am not needed here and it is a feeling of... the end.

I came back for unresolved issues. Unanswered questions that i thought i should pursue the truth. And well... i got them. I know now. Solved rather peacefully unlike the fireworks of revelation i expected. Thus my time here seems stale.

Like i am fading as i walk down these halls. I think... this is it.

Goodbye,
alma mater

c x?

And i find myself thinking of who i was and who i am now. Of how this track seems familiar. Familiar challenges. Familiar roads. Familiar lipids lining the inner layers of epidermis. Everything from the signboard to the patch of grass in the distance screams i have seen this before.

And i go to work every day now. Working only never knowing the meaning of what i do. I have lost my words though i can see colour ever so clearly and beautiful now. How it glimmers with a world that is not life.

I am afraid.

This is not madness. Only a restlessness that i can little control.

I am not afraid. Not afraid of tomorrow that still takes me by surprise.

I am not afraid. I am so scared.

I do not know if i have enough fight left within me. I know if push comes to shove, i will bash your face right in. And that is what people have learned.

Don't push me. I fight back.

Then, each motivation comes from me. I am meant to be an adult. Perhaps this is why potential only stops at a certain point. This point. Because now, i am to tell myself i can do this. With no basis, no support from others, i stand on air and pray i stand tall. My features shall mark no fear because i do not know the meaning of such a word.

As i grow older, i realize the fragility of what it means to be human and i become so afraid. We do not protect the old, because they are so powerful, they move the world with a touch of their fingertips. How many of those men and women are human? How many will break with a single word?

Have they rose to the occasion and i only a child? What does this mean?

And i wish to cast my heart to the wind and tear the tendrils of this tentacled monster that drips slime over my growing frame. Because i can feel it closing around my neck, constricting the very air i breathe.

Can i insist i have wings though it is so apparent that i am nothing but human?

And cry and shatter when i hit concrete but might they not be earnest tears? How brave am i to see what others cannot see? Acknowledge a world so different from theirs when maybe, just maybe i have kindled the desire to fit in.

Update!!

My friends here are turning their back on me. Or at least the ones in Halls. Well, i can little blame them. They extended their hand of friendship but when we got too close, i became afraid. I was afraid to be a part of their family simply because i fear labels. I didn't want a definite label... Now, i find myself with no ally.

The solution is simple... Pester them till i find a place among them. But i have sacrificed much of my pride with the locals and the Caucasians. I wonder where that open and friendly me went? Yet, i do not know how to manage the open face with a high sense of pride. There has to be a balance somewhere... A way that might make both ways seem plausible. Like being open yet guarded... However, i operate in extreme binary settings. Such a compromise seems impossible especially in the current state of mind. I do not know how to reconcile...

I wonder how easy it is to wave goodbye to heartbreak.

Easier than easy, harder than hard. It is to be expected, is it not? It is not possible to tear the flesh of your back and gain wings to fly. Yet, the act itself might yield freedom. Dare you not believe?

Perhaps that faith is the only solace. I've got a simple problem. I've got a crush (common) but... he doesn't see me. I think this is the first time, my crush doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Interesting huh? I'm used to playing on a field where i call the shots and suddenly... well, obviously i'm playing this game alone. There's no one here with me.

For a moment there, i thought he knew. But i ran away. And it became obvious i ran away. And i ran into oblivion before him. I simply disappeared.

Or, it could have just been a misunderstanding from the beginning. If i take his methods as attempting to be near a certain friend of mine then, everything falls back into place. Only it alters the landscape beyond recognition. In other words, from the beginning, we never played a game of tag. I've been caught in someone else's field where he and a friend of mine were playing mary-go-round.

I suppose this might be for the best. He seems an excellent ally. If i can discard any silly ideas of hope, then i believe he will be a formidable teacher to have, if only to tutor me in my speech and such.

I hope all the best for him. He and my friend knows they will not be pursuing a relationship, i think. At least not now... but, i hope he does something nice for her anyways. Like say hi to her when he walks past or even ask her to dance in the coming party. She deserves the best and i hope he is able to give even a fraction of that to her.

I think i'm the unneeded player who will be bowing off the freaking field and well, it doesn't feel that bad. A few days couped up in my room watching anime helped rehabilitate me a lot. Let's hope i am able to handle society tomorrow. I can't seem to handle direct company for the past few days because of this matter but i hope tomorrow's okay.

Otherwise, it looks like i'm going to be a hermit who runs to her room every single time. Or i can just struck up a conversation with the locals in the common room. Haih... it seems like there's always a game to play here. Always a certain mask that has to be on. Well, i wanna say screw it! I shouldn't give a flying fuck what my freaking face looks like to all these nutty peeps!

But i can't find the anchor of acceptance yet. If i eat alone, the locals laugh at me, my own friends pity me. If i eat with others... well, for the past few days i've been feeling shitty so i've been holed up in my room good. Like i said, maybe tomorrow's better.

But you'd never know, putting on my game face might be good practice for the future. My line of work kinda needs that game face to be at the ready y'know XD But unlike at home where i have my friends to unload off when the Jekyll mask comes off, i've got no one.

No one here...

Just like MMU. How reminiscent of the fact that it's so hard to trust people. Meh!!

Well, i've stopped wanting to mother everyone. The pride gets in the way, y'know... But, like i said, hopefully tomorrow's better...

A little crack in my pretty vase

Well, i did it.

I finally made myself alone, so reminiscent of my times in MMU. Okay, to cure it would be just to ask them what time they're having dinner.... but that depends very much if i want to do something of such to begin with....

Wait, i'm complaining about it then trying to solve it then complaining about the solution? Strange much? Or just so me, that it never cease to amaze me, the level of stupidity i display XD

Haha!! I think i'm used to being alone that when i'm here, i try to be alone here too...

A part of my persona that asks for no help also insists i find no one in the case that i'm alone. Reason being i'm meant to be alone. So it is justified. And any given time that i am alone, i should study the moment...

But i forget, a majority of not being alone is seeking company. Seeking comfort...

Friendship isn't a matter of pride and i should give as well as take. Therefore, if i do want my friends to remember that i exist, i should call them every once in awhile, ask them how they're doing. Right? Instead of expecting them to call me because that is plainly selfish.

I think i've been selfish all these while and being estranged... well, i should stop trying to avoid them. I forget, not every company is as forgiving as my old mates. I mean, the cohesiveness of our camaraderie is commendable to a certain extent. Or to my comfort at least, i feel it should be replicated. But it is different from the people here.

I think i do not bring the joy they expect me to bring to the table. I guess it kinda hits your self-esteem when you realize you're not good enough. But, okay, i shouldn't make this about me. I should go and ask them what time they're having dinner, make plans with them, insert myself back into their lives.

Because they're a wonderful bunch of people.

I think me missing won't do much. Maybe that's what i realized when i went with them to the Great Ocean Road. They're a cohesive bunch among themselves and i think a part of me envies that.

But i have to remember, that i have friends back at home who are still there for me. Who are capable of catching me when i fall. So, regardless of what happens here, i do have a place in the world and no one can take that away from me. I don't know how this possessive nature will help me through the problems but, somehow, that is the only reassurance i have to take the risks that i do.

I can be the unappreciated anomaly because... well, it's alright. It is alright. I will be alright.

Just to be sure, i'm going to re-check my MMU entries to see if i carry the same tone. Cause i have a feeling if i do, then it's MMU all over again.... ^_^;;;;

A peak around the corner

Coming down from a high is not always a bad things. I think there would be that one moment where you're coasting, and you feel the rush of wind against your skin. Or there is always the possibility of plunging down onto the ground. Looks like this is my first entry here... before, i didn't exactly know what i should write.

What should i tell about the world here? As these words to me echoes with the resonance of lessons that i have learned. What have i learned in the one month that i have left home?

Nothing?

Impossible. I know about the brown in me. About the pond that i lived in. But those are merely differences that i acknowledge. Nothing penetrating which strikes my soul. On the other hand, it might not be wise to ask for a drastic change. I cope no better under dire circumstances and according to my latest track record, i tend to burn rather than thrive.

So i kept my silence. When others ask of my time here, i gather things to be no different although in a way, they are. I know how it feels to be among the minority. But rather than the hostility i expected for those of my kind, these men and women react in the way they do because they do not know how to react among other different from them. It is a different sort of xenophobia one absent of violence or any sort of negativity that i pegged with the term. It's a passive condition which i find, some are not willing to rectify. Although the question too remain on my part, am i afraid of them?

I think at one point, i said yes. I think even now, the answer does not change. What is there not to fear of those who own the land you reside on? On a positive note, they are open and friendly people although coming from a different background than my own. And this falls to the matter of resentment of differences. Do you acknowledge differences to be hatred?

Personally, i think not. I think there has to be a line of division between particular hostility and fear of difference. Hostility for me means the air of vehemence associated with the particular act of threatening acts. Fear of difference just covers a few aversions to others because you do not know or cannot associate with them. Big difference in my book.

I think that was what i had to come to in the beginning. The people here do not approach anyone unless there is a reason for them to do so. Which i suppose after coming from Sunway campus and serving in the student council, i suppose i expected more. I mean, they are suppose to be a Western liberal country. Therefore there is a degree of openness which i admit i expected of each and everyone of them, probably something akin to America. But what i did not realize is that the degree of openness they display -which does exist by the way, is in fact a trade to the privacy and cold front they show any stranger they see. You would think that trusting a complete stranger is awfully dangerous, especially coming from a continent like Asia. We were taught distrust yet they are different. They are open only because they do not trust you until they have become accustomed to your presence.

We are the same, i believe only what i have modeled to be Asian is essentially me while what i view to be Western is them. Perhaps i only encounter this wall with them because they do not trust me from the beginning while with anyone of my skin tone or similar, we have a mutual understanding of one another, therefore our relationship progresses without having to chip the massive wall of security. In this case, every single minuscule exchange that occurs actually chips the wall until at one point, we finally decide we are capable of placing forth a shaky hand and thus the possibility of a first exchange is made.

Really, that's the only diplomatic solution. My friend told me not to rush it because they will be open to you in their own time but on the other hand, i only have a few months here. I suppose, the lack of time will be a positive note that i am capable of holding in the end because if i do not know them, i will not miss them surely. Although i regret the souls that i have missed in knowing. People are beautiful i find although i do not try to know them as deeply as i am capable of knowing,

I shut my eyes, did you know?

I do not see as i did and as usual, my soul cries to see beyond the physical skin because i do not know the extent of damage that i have caused with my actions but another part of me enjoys this ignorance. It allows me to be frivolous, to gain joy and happiness without fear of consequences. It is the life of complete irresponsibility that i craved and i think i led in the first few weeks here.

It is strange, when i think of no consequences, i think life becomes better in general. You live in the moment, without having fear nor knowledge of what is to come. Everyone expects me to be that way here, all of a sudden. It is strange. When i was in MMU, i find rejection because i was too rigid. Too contemplative. I was that deeper end of the pool that others do not venture in. NO ENTRY right? And because of that, i wished for my old friends. For my soulmates. It is because of the inability of these people to accept me for who i truly am.

It is occurring here too. Only they cannot fathom that i think beyond the open books and the written words and the mentioned syllables. I think too much. Far, far too much in certain instances. It isn't normal. Or so they keep on telling me. It isn't normal, or so i tell myself.

It's hard for me to balance between the two because when my physical body is drained, my mind begins to think. I tried to stall it. I didn't do my readings, i didn't do anything because i know if i start thinking, i won't stop. Because if i open my eyes i cannot deny the world i see because i will see it as how i should truly view it. And my mind will work. And it will speak, and ignite. I will not stop thinking and unless i can find a bridge between this sense of me and one viewed by others, i will settle in unrest.

However, i believe i can take a backseat in conversations now. I do not need to dominate considering we have other powerful individuals who are willing to do so. I think it's alright for me to settle in stasis although it would be more interesting if i can balance the two. More challenging and i've always walked the tougher road just to see if i can.

Looking back, i wonder if i have changed since i was younger. I remember once i told a friend of mine, for me, you're the same person as you were before because your core values never changed. I wonder if mine did?

I think an integral part of me is asking for a change. The rule where i dictated there to be none other i take as a partner. I keep on reiterating the story of JW and i inclusive of the talk i made which pushed him to confess. It's one where i tell him the idea of me and another is a joke because i am extremely self-sufficient. But what i learned in the past year is that i am not and so i toy with the idea of me and another merely for the fun of it. Only fun is something i do not do.

I might be spontaneous yes, but rarely am i without studying the various consequences and outcome that might occur. I fly, my dear friends only you do not see the safety net below. Rare do i take a leap of faith and this leap, is across a sunny, massive chasm that spans across time. Because i have always told myself that i am alone. I'm not. Not really, anyways.

Here comes the question, dare i open my heart to be toyed with? Because essentially that is what this game dictates. Perhaps i have nothing to ponder here, therefore, i force a growth that does not occur naturally. I will tell myself that this is risky. I do not know if i will listen.

I think i will watch but i do not think i will play. I think my heart will be half-open but, i do not think it is wise for me to play a game with such uncertain players. Therefore, i will withhold. Perhaps that explains my hesitance at walking forward in that arena.

I am ready, i believe, for a relationship but i do not think it is wise for me to encourage or pursue any just yet. My desire for a companion is ready, but my life is not. We will have to see how his unfolds and if my decision will change in due time.

I can only pray that this situation does not change because regardless of anything, a part of my heart still tells me no and i do not wish to engage in anything save whole-heartedly.

So my new year begins

Alright, so i sent out the cards.

Time to make amends, and get off my knees. Chin up girl, look at the sky.

I feel like the cycle is starting again, kinda like old cogwheels turning despite rust and stuff. Pain becomes bearable when you're looking ahead because in insignificance can we see the goodness that is left.

Take risks. Make change happen. You've got something to live for, so do it. I know you've got it in you somewhere, old hag. Get off those puny feet of yours and move. =P

Haha!! I think in a way i regretted a few things with the card. Writing is a little like stripping in public and gosh all those garments are on the ground now! Shyte!!! Well, i tried to un-emo-fy the words, but... i didn't feel like holding back. And... well, my words were worst last time, kay?

When i was younger, my words were like the Kame Hame Ha! But now, it's just like a punch in the gut. Or maybe a tickle. Depends on your defence system.

It was kinda hard to insert happiness when i started cause i could only think of me and wondering, why should i even bother saying sorry to a bunch of people who are going to throw my words out the window anyway? I mean, we're such an apathetic society, that if i do try to make people feel happy, they'd just spit in my face and stomp me down. Heck, even when the other side of my brain tried to cheer me up, i basically told her to take the incessant "love ALL" chatter and shove it up hers! (which was really mine, if you think of it in a lewd, totally disgusting way).

But i did it anyway. Why do something if you don't want to, you ask?

Because... who said i didn't want to?

Somewhere deep inside me, told me to do the right thing. Be a man, do the right thing, right?

It began, when i first picked up the pencil, to be because i didn't wanna be forgotten. By constantly nagging at people of my existence, i never truly leave. I think sometimes, that's why we have blogs, twitter, constant status updates on facebook. Hey, leave an imprint in written word and light a candle in the dark, right? That was the major guilt part. Because, i did not want the card to be an act of "taking". It is meant to be a sincere gift, with no strings attached, i didn't want to ask anything from anyone who got it.

But in the end, i pretty much "gave" it away although i have a feeling i did "take" a little from it. Haih, shows you really can't control your emotions.

But anyways, same as the last time when i produced the card, i've got that little nagging doubt in my head that went, "Oh shit, girl, you dunnit now! Now they really see who you are and damn, you don't have a bikini ready body!" Pah! My head goes "Sentimental old hag! Sentimental old hag!" at every other interval, i should write into a song. My theme song. How appropriate.

I think the good thing about people, is the exact reason why i never wanted to give them the card to begin with. They don't really care. So, even though i'm walking around in my skimmies, no one's looking this way.

I wanted to actually produce a Note on facebook, to write about the inspiration behind the art and stuff but... i'll tell you if you ask. I'm kinda worried that i'm harping too much on this non-issue that something's bound to blow up in my face. If it doesn't matter, then i don't want to make it matter, cause i don't think that's worth it.

This is it, probably the first day of my new year.

Happy New Year 2010, my dearest blogspot.