Hello!!
Long time no see. Yeah. I really should be in bed by now but, since i just ate and stuff. Hmm.... i have a few questions in my head. Not the important sort, mind you. Stuff that is in regards to myself which really isn't what i should be thinking about at this moment. I'm suppose to figure out my studies. Where i stand, bla bla bla. That sorta stuff. I have no idea where i'm getting this bimbo vibe from, but, seriously, it's taking over my head. I've been spacing out too much these few days especially in class when it's necessary to pay attention. It seems when my head isn't in the game, that's when the head coach is asking me to throw some beautiful curve balls.
Numero uno, i know what this course is about... i think.... No, that wasn't a note of doubt that you spotted. I'm still understanding the course but being surrounded by people who have a natural aptitude for the subject AND throw in my latest state of mind in the pitch what you get REALLY screwed ball game. Not to mention assignment's next week and the only progress i've achieved is that my panic levels are higher. Right. Not to mention that every step of the way i'm rethinking my steps though those thoughts remain a silhouette.
I know this is what i want to do that i fear being AFRAID of failure isn't allowing me to move forward.
In this course you need originality. An understanding and a good grasp of self. I'm shutting the whole world out to find myself inside but i feel like i'm grasping at nothingness. In the midst of this high, i feel like i've become intangible, yet, i exist in the exact same moment.
I think it's related to culture shock and the fact that this environment is very much different from what i had before but, that also might be my shield towards adjustment. I'm forcing myself to hide because of? I'm still trying to figure me out as i'm trying to figure the subject out. But, i'm so worried about myself that i'm not allowing me free reign to let my mind roam. Because i know i can do this. I might not be as talented as others but, i have my own questions to ask. Yes, they're small town questions. It's a rather pessimistic and sad outlook on life. My questions in journalism connecting much to the human discovery and stuff that are unimportant. And to a cetain point, it even reaches a black. I DO NOT know what to question!!
Humans have plenty to ask that the above statement should be impossible... I'm afraid of something.
In the course before this, everything came naturally. It was a path that i've walked down and the street signs are so familiar that i know the route though i've never been there before. This is a new street and though my heart tugs in a certain direction. My mind is saying wait. And my heart is asking, what for?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Step One
Yo.
Haha. It's been a long time i suppose since i've made an entry in this blog. Actually, i was thinking of updating the other blog instead of this but... well, i haven't been here since a bit so... Haha....
In case you're thinking that there was some drama due to the update, you're wrong. Was just thinking of documenting my life for the moment, seeing as, in the years to come, chances of me feeling as i do in this exact moment is slim.
This is, i suppose, the transitional stage. I'm quite used to the lifestyle in MMU that, i belief a shred of it still exists within me. No. I'm wrong. I'll never be able to wipe the MMU side of me only because i have become fond of those there. I have learned much from them that, i suppose to live life as if they never existed would not only be unethical on my part but impossible. The life there was always conquered by the social ladder and, i do feel the pressure from my new uni a little but, considering i have the chance to return home and recharge, it doesn't affect me in any serious way. I think it's better this way. I made some new friends. What i can say is, people in my new uni differ very very much from the ones in MMU. I won't be biased but, if you know me, you'll know my opinion. Screw it if it seems biased to you.
They remind me of my Assuntarian mates, somewhat but that might be because the people i've befriended are so far eighty percent guys. Yeah, i stick to the female clan. They're far more trustworthy than the opposite sex. Lesson learnt. Haih, there i go again with my generalisation. It's a bane to remain objective, not that i don't. Just that, if you want to say something, you have to watch your words really carefully... The most troublesome part in my course is that most people are awaiting to prove their point. Yes, i have met those souls who are much better at implementing and recieving ideas but most would force theirs upon you. I've had brushes with such people before and as a result, i life my walls higher. Eventhough your point sticks mine right in the butt, it won't be a satisfactory debate. I prefer talking to people who would listen but.... i'd never know if i'll turn into one of those people one day...
My anger is fading. I duno... When i was starting, there seem to be various problems blocking the way. Parents, financial, social insecurity sometimes it takes a lot for me to remember that i'm here to study. I'm here to do what i want and not what others have in store for me. It's hard for me to tell myself tht my expectations aren't so high. I should remember to enjoy myself as well as do well in the courses. It's gonna be a bumpy ride but, i'm going to give it my all. Life isn't all about studying. I know that. It isn't completely about socializing either. Monash seems to be full of parties and stuff that, for a moment i feel pressured to go but... that's only me. In truth, no one is asking me to head down that road. It's... what? Culture shock?
During these times, i'd just tell myself to step back. Observe my choices and make the decision that rings true with me. Being back home does help... I get the itch to write more than once but... somehow i've with held myself fromacting upon it... Sometimes, it might be due to the fact that my language was not as proficient as it once was.... Terey has only become a figment of my imagination and... it seems that i tire of bringing her into the real world... I want her to be here but... i do not know how to go about it.... I really need to work on this...
I need to decide what i want.
Only i wonder... would forcing yourself to cough up the answer work? Or is it better to allow fate run its course?
Just as an after post, i'm seriously not biased. I might make harsh judgements but i know the diplomatic answers to everything. Hate me if you want. But hate me with a reason. That it. Ja'
Haha. It's been a long time i suppose since i've made an entry in this blog. Actually, i was thinking of updating the other blog instead of this but... well, i haven't been here since a bit so... Haha....
In case you're thinking that there was some drama due to the update, you're wrong. Was just thinking of documenting my life for the moment, seeing as, in the years to come, chances of me feeling as i do in this exact moment is slim.
This is, i suppose, the transitional stage. I'm quite used to the lifestyle in MMU that, i belief a shred of it still exists within me. No. I'm wrong. I'll never be able to wipe the MMU side of me only because i have become fond of those there. I have learned much from them that, i suppose to live life as if they never existed would not only be unethical on my part but impossible. The life there was always conquered by the social ladder and, i do feel the pressure from my new uni a little but, considering i have the chance to return home and recharge, it doesn't affect me in any serious way. I think it's better this way. I made some new friends. What i can say is, people in my new uni differ very very much from the ones in MMU. I won't be biased but, if you know me, you'll know my opinion. Screw it if it seems biased to you.
They remind me of my Assuntarian mates, somewhat but that might be because the people i've befriended are so far eighty percent guys. Yeah, i stick to the female clan. They're far more trustworthy than the opposite sex. Lesson learnt. Haih, there i go again with my generalisation. It's a bane to remain objective, not that i don't. Just that, if you want to say something, you have to watch your words really carefully... The most troublesome part in my course is that most people are awaiting to prove their point. Yes, i have met those souls who are much better at implementing and recieving ideas but most would force theirs upon you. I've had brushes with such people before and as a result, i life my walls higher. Eventhough your point sticks mine right in the butt, it won't be a satisfactory debate. I prefer talking to people who would listen but.... i'd never know if i'll turn into one of those people one day...
My anger is fading. I duno... When i was starting, there seem to be various problems blocking the way. Parents, financial, social insecurity sometimes it takes a lot for me to remember that i'm here to study. I'm here to do what i want and not what others have in store for me. It's hard for me to tell myself tht my expectations aren't so high. I should remember to enjoy myself as well as do well in the courses. It's gonna be a bumpy ride but, i'm going to give it my all. Life isn't all about studying. I know that. It isn't completely about socializing either. Monash seems to be full of parties and stuff that, for a moment i feel pressured to go but... that's only me. In truth, no one is asking me to head down that road. It's... what? Culture shock?
During these times, i'd just tell myself to step back. Observe my choices and make the decision that rings true with me. Being back home does help... I get the itch to write more than once but... somehow i've with held myself fromacting upon it... Sometimes, it might be due to the fact that my language was not as proficient as it once was.... Terey has only become a figment of my imagination and... it seems that i tire of bringing her into the real world... I want her to be here but... i do not know how to go about it.... I really need to work on this...
I need to decide what i want.
Only i wonder... would forcing yourself to cough up the answer work? Or is it better to allow fate run its course?
Just as an after post, i'm seriously not biased. I might make harsh judgements but i know the diplomatic answers to everything. Hate me if you want. But hate me with a reason. That it. Ja'
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