The problem with social experiments

So, remember how in the previous post i mentioned about gambling? Just learned to play Texas Hold 'Em during the weekend and realise the poker game reflected quite accurately the exchange between moi and Mr. Boy. Only when i did not fold after he raised his stakes, i did not realise i lost the game.

I think imma gonna be kind to me about this whole situation. I've never let heartache resonate quite fully within me, instead drawing false borders and creating fantasies to ensure my sanity is kept intact. It's a little like how i keep on telling myself that i'm destined to be alone, hence why every person i've met have been assholes so far. But I don't feel to do the same this time around.

I think i'm going to let myself experience the heartache and just live it through.

The worst is when i have no confirmation for the reason of his actions thus i speculate. My conclusions have been narrowed to three scenarios.

#1 - Fear biteses his dust
Okay, considering i went completely bat shit insane on him for his assumptions concerning my character, i won't be surprised if he was scared. He probably thought i was some bi-polar freakazoid and just did not want the awkwardness of spending perhaps two hours in my presence. Our conversations have been stunted the past few days too, what with me being way too trapped in my head.
Conclusion: He was afraid, but he does not want to break the friendship. So he pushed the situation the only way he knew how.
Status of relationship: Friendship

#2 - Ego Is He
He probably expected a massive farewell and having something by two is not really what he wanted. So he wanted more to come. Me acting all batshit insane didn't help matters. So he created the massive farewell he wanted by himself. Good boy! Too bad i was too big an asshole to allow it through.
Conclusion: He was still afraid, but now he's an egoistic bastard. Completely used me like the turd he is thus i deem him an asshole.
Status of relationship: Putus hubungan

#3 - I really don't want to break your heart
Okay, so my assumption here is that we have this *connection*. Connection, by all meaning of the word is probably just two people being connected. I mean like via wires, lines, friendships and etc. I didn't really approach him to court him whatsoever, in my defense. But okay, on to the hypothetical scenario. He probably isn't interested in me that way hence why he tried to get others on board. He just didn't want to mislead me, which makes his actions quite nice actually because i can appreciate the fact that he tried to let me down gently.
Conclusion: Nice dude. Though i'll end with a broken heart. Like a completely rejected heart because i finally acknowledge i'm not good enough. Need to be better then. Need to be awesomer so that i can make up for my faults.
Status of relationship: Good friends

#4 - Woe it be, the misunderstanding
He thought i was going to bamboozle him. Thus, that explains his suspicions. It does indicate that he might be interested. However, to suggest something like that means you don't really know me very well although i do understand in the pursuit of a relationship, things like these can be worked on. But then, he would have not invited the others if he still wanted to spend some one on one time. So, although this theory indicates interest, his following actions suggests either of the upper two to be better justifications. The only difference is, this theory suggests he might still be mildly interested.
Conclusion: Sweet to think about and to fantasize on, but wholly unrealistic.
Status of relationship: estranged friendship. because of the element the crush brings.

Okay, of the theories above, only one suggests he might be interested. The rest don't. Even then, it's a 1% chance that he's interested. So, i'm waiting for it to sink into my brain that he's just not interested.

Look girl, we can't pull a JW on this. We can't keep on going to him and inventing stories just to make him seem interested. We're FRIENDS and that's something you've got to deal with.

Like the situation with the first He in the He Chronicles, you kinda have to make sure he gets a girl so that you'd get a definite answer. Otherwise, you're grappling with theories and maybes and what ifs. You have a week to sort out your thoughts and transform your relationship into complete friendship. Want me to create a perfect boy for you so you'd be able to get over it faster? But i don't fall deeply in love with my dreams.

I think it's just acceptance. You're kinda scared to accept cause you don't want to get hurt. But come on, try. Stop creating excuses on his behalf. He probably just likes flirting with you. You can flirt with him right back but you've got to remember it's just friendship. I think you're having problems discerning cause your brain's seeing the possible future. Stop it. Just stop the possible future bit cause you don't have anything together.

Good friends and someone he occasionally uses to ensure he has a social life, that's you.

Be strong kid and we'll talk more when you're ready to accept it.

God tells me don't gamble - it isn't our way.

Okay, this new blogger thing seems bizarre. But whatevs. Got some stuff to dish out and i really shouldn't complain about petty things like these.

I think my compartments are slowly unraveling. A valid fear is that one day i will awaken to find the world in a jumble of mess. Good news is maybe i can sort it out through redefined eyes. I am functioning with a set that i have obtained since the age of twelve that now, at its anniversary, i should reconsider my perspectives.

Certain things like boys, family and a career cannot be defined as it was. Things change, though perhaps there is that bit of me that should accept for the change to come from without rather than within.

I am so used to being the agent of my own change. To form and reshape and be the catalyst of my own path Maybe a part of growing up is to return to the roots of our existence and keep the faith instead of being so damned controlling about everything in life. Gotta let go sometime y'know?

God, this is probably hard. Especially to a control freak as much as I am.

Loneliness
It isn't something that can be controlled. It is an emotion. A friend, to me. Others bat it away, wave their fists and swing knives in their direction but really, loneliness has done nothing more than sit by my side. I can't fault them for their existence. I cannot fault them for their presence. I will not fault them if they are my mate in life.

Really, i understand there is a possibility my road will end up barren and alone. Others prepare for the oncoming siege. I simply seem to be moving in the path that accepts the outcome.

Forcing others to conform to my world just to combat this friend isn't something i wish to condone. Let people go just as it is possible to let loneliness go. Strange when my hand grasps my own i feel lesser alone. Maybe that's how it should be.

So why do i seem to be chasing after this boy?

Many reasons. One of which is testing the possibility. I have never played the game, thus i cast the dice for once to see if i will roll favourable fates.

I am fortunate this is not meant to be. God tells me don't gamble. It isn't our way.

I guess this is where that road ends and i will be accepting of it. I must not be afraid of loneliness that comes in the absence of a person. I must not be afraid of loneliness that comes in the stifle of silence.

I was given words and a world to be painted. But i must redraw my wings and allow me to fly.

I hope things work out well. Not with the boy anyways. A part of me just hope it bowls over so nothing will happen. But the foolishness of hope also has its treacherous twin that wishes to see how deep this rabbit hole can go.

Well, when he let's go you let go too kid. Reaction time - but be governed by rationality.

I think there is a part of me that thinks if not him, then no other. But another whispers to just let it be. He must not be on the receiving end of your obsession.

Hope with guidance, all will be alright.

Gonna turn in for the night. Will plan a story for next week's luv submission. Hopefully it is something to occupy my time with and all will be smooth =)

About The Stars in the Sky

I think this is a post about responsibility. About understanding my place.

My current work space leaves me adapt at allowing the flow to sweep my behind wherever they please. The other writers resist. They fight. But my existence has always been too ephemeral to be tangible. Like my strands are nothingness and slips and slides through the wind.

I do not fight.

I am attempting not to clear my closet, allowing different distractions to lure me away from intention. Convincing myself that this is enough - when it really isn't. When it really shouldn't be. I run every risk of losing myself in this flow and it isn't pleasant.

Sometimes I believe in protecting the generation of tomorrow. I believe that that is the destiny i seek. Because i know i am strong enough to take it. Then what is this path i thread on? Fucking road map, leave me in ditches and all.

Trying to obtain a sense of life that *is* when i have nothing to reassure me.

The road can be easy. It can be damn bloody easy that i'd walk forward and this is the road i thread for the next few years. This can be my destiny.

Save should at the age of 24 i decide the rest of my life to be the same? Is this not unfair to my future fates who might desire more? Should i not build building blocks for tomorrow and continue to strive and achieve?

But this working environment is different. Our strengths will not be tested unless we wish it to be.

Alright kiddo, honest hour - do you want to try for more?

Truth be told, i can hardly care less for this line. This isn't where my soul wants to be - though i can see if ever i wish to open a publishing house, such knowledge might prove to be fruitful.

I have to decide if this line will contribute to my future. If i am going anywhere that i want to go - because at this point, i am losing sight of who i am.

It gets worrying when i start acquiring distractions to keep me properly distracted. I know whenever i throw a guy in the mix, that's when my brain is throwing a spanner at the works.

I need to keep focused. But i don't know how.

I need to hold on tight and not change and understand that this road can lead somewhere. With prayers and guidance and light. I need to get to that place.

At the age of 24 i'd love to say i know where i'm going. That i'm building a life... But it looks like this road's a lot more complicated than it seems.

I should do Math

I can't silence the voices in my head.

They haven't done anything dangerous (although the compulsion to take a knife and drawing it across my neck is kinda freaky if my head wasn't in such a goofy mood that it almost seemed funny).

It's just a bunch of yattermouths that refuse to quiet down. Maybe i should write something... a story or something...

I'm guessing this is coming from a sense of restlessness that can't be quelled. The erratic nature of my mind does worry me quite a bit but it isn't like the voices manifested into a compulsion to destroy... Although it has once before.

I need an outlet.

Maybe i should do math.

c x redux part II

There was once a time i use to function with a mantra consisting of four words: Hate. Fear. Anger. Misery.

Hate yourself, because you are the darkness of your soul. Anger: the only outlet i possessed. Fear -because i will forever be capable of hurting those around me. Misery: because loneliness is thy fate.

I suppose looking back, one would realize: "Boy, you've really got some issues". Such negativity and teenage angst; awfully reflective of the drama queen I can be. However, as much as most would think this stuck a permanent label of 'freako emo' on me, i grew up quite fine -no, don't ask me to define 'fine'. Hatred strangely enough, brought me closer to love and the appreciation for those around me.

But things change. I changed.

Growing past that phase has its downsides. One is me becoming a downright selfish bitch who cares little to nothing for the consequences of my actions on those around me. At least angst!me would not be so callous.

After i learned that it's 'okay' to not hate myself so much, i began accepting myself for who i am. Accepting me means knowing my limits, my boundaries. In completely technical aspects, i was able to identify my weaknesses and allow for a semblance of growth in living skills. But emotionally, i was becoming too pampered. Self-hatred keeps a meticulous account of check and balance of my actions. I would forever think twice before executing a single act; perpetually running possible scenarios in my head to ensure an outcome that satisfies both me and society.

I don't do things on a whim.

These days, i can easily say my accounts have gone out of whack. The steps of check-and-balance skips a few steps, stopping at 'if i'm okay with it' and neglecting everything else. My mind reasoned by stating that others wouldn't care anyways. In todays' society, the problems that would affect others are large-worldly types such as the quest for democracy and justice. I think me coming a little late to some party wouldn't matter.

Even if a part of me protests that it does matter, the majority of my mind says it does not affect the fabric of this world. I have become callous with my relations and really, to those who have been hurt, i can only profusely apologize. But any attempts i make at resolutions of 'never again' are like chastity vows taken by the female protagonist in any teen movie - it just never works.

It's a serious flaw i am trying o overcome. Coming late for parties, not replying e-mails only serves to show my priorities in life and how much I don't care.

I can say my priorities has shifted. Once, I would have placed others before me. Once, I would have hated myself enough to realize the company of another is God-sent. I have become different. This self-absorbed bitch is not all too nice to deal with.

In light of finding my way in this life, trying to carve an immortal mark for myself, and just understanding why the hell i just feel so god damned lost have me becoming so absorbed in my own thoughts. So lost until the world that surrounds me becomes blurry at its best definition.

I'm trying to find a reason for my growing apathy because hopefully by identifying what this darkness is blossoming in my chest, i might be able to recover from this spell.

For the moment, i am biding my time using the patience of my friends to identify this 'thing' that i'm going through. It will run out soon, i'm sure it will.

The question is probably which first? The goodwill of those around me or my problem?

ultear

I am afraid to reach my dreams. Am i the only one? How many have refused to thread the path to their ambitions if it means sacrificing the farce of life? Thinking in 'ifs' and 'maybes' that in reflection warrants longing rather than pride? Because we know that if we walk this road, it seems like there is no turning back. Like if this door slams in my face, i will never ever be able to look me in the eye and say 'it's okay'. "We'll get through this". "The next will be better".

The question is, "do I dare?"

Too late. I don't.

I do not believe in dreams anymore. Somewhere along the way, I have cast them as pointless.

Yet a part of me cries, who am i save for my dreams? What are these disenchanted voices in my head that sings different songs? Am I not one?

My soul knows I have wavered. I have lost.my.way. And i do not WANT to go back. Because i know to go back is to grasp my dream. It is to strain for my dream. Starve and suffer and die along a road that i do not know i am able to complete.

Have i the strength? Is this where my youth feels it has failed? Because i am not able to walk this road. I am not able to strive and scream for pure passion. My sword has dulled in its edge.

I am not who I was and I am afraid, the coward that I am.

God help me. God help me. God, help me.

Help me feel because this numbness cripples me. It is so complacent i feel no need for growth.

Please save me before i have nothing but a heart of stone.

untitled

Sometimes I worry I injure others more than I intend. My friendships often consist of two strangers forming ties that till the end of the day, I may know nothing of you. Of me. Of us. We are two who will hurt. I worry we will be a broken people.

I have done society a great injustice by taking a side. By choosing my opinion over the rationality of moderation. There is that middle path should i seek it. Yet the views seem to represent a child who i can barely taste in the passing wind.

I have done the world a great injustice by believing in me. I forget, how i forget the voices in my head.

I hope they return soon.